Metallover's Self-Insert Adventure
by metallover
Summary: Ever wonder what happens when an aggressive, foul-mouthed, broke-ass geek gets transported into his favorite Fire Emblem game? Yeah, I'll bet you do. A light, humorous self-insert crack re-telling of Awakening starring me, the author of Invisible Ties. Warnings for swearing, violence, sexual content and bad pop-culture references. And why the cat, you ask? I don't know either.
1. Chapter 1

**(DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, places or anything else; they remain property of Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. This is a work of fanfiction and love: please don't sue me.)**

 **WARNING: Impending violence and gratuitous foul language warning**

 **Author's Note:**

 **I can't believe I'm actually uploading this…**

 **There's not much to say about this story. It's a Self-Insert crack retelling of Awakening, because I can.**

 **This story was inspired by a self-insert fic called** _ **Asleep**_ **. Now, usually I hate self-inserts, but I actually quite enjoyed that one. Until *spoiler deleted* died, anyway; that pissed me off. I kept reading it, though. Usually, I find self-insert stories to be a bit ridiculous, but after reading such an incredibly ambitious story (written from the second person perspective, no less (which, let me tell you, is not easy)) I figured 'what the hell' and decided I'd experiment a little with a self-insert of my own. And it's just as ridiculous as I expected. I did this for fun, but I did this without my usual eye for detail, so it's a little rough around the edges. This kinda wound up being an exercise to break my perpetual writers-block in the end, too, but I finally feel like it's at a place where I can start to upload it (if for no other reason than to get some cheap laughs).**

 **I give you all fair warning, again; I swear an inordinate amount IRL, so that's going to be conveyed here (it comes from a life of being around tradesmen). I've also stylized my personality a little, specifically the more douchey and aggressive traits, for the sake of comedy. This SI character is actually closer to the 20-year old Ben than the current Ben. I'm actually kind of an awkward nice guy now, I swear.**

 **So, without further ado, please enjoy my experiment. Nagaspeed, my dear readers!**

* * *

 **Part the First, or "Hello fan-boy fantasy!"**

With a loud groan I let my head fall forward onto the bar, giving me a perfect side-on view of the condensation rolling down the side of my glass. The ice-cold amber liquid within was doing nothing to improve my mood, despite the fact that it was my third such glass in the last twenty minutes. I was sitting in one of the cheaper bars in town at the end of the day, magically turning my fuel money into beer with the help of the not-so-enthusiastic drinking partner I had roped into joining me so I didn't feel quite so pathetic.

I'd been fired. Again. For the fourth time in six months.

"C'mon, it's not that bad," the tall, skinny man next to me said reassuringly. "Something'll come up eventually."

I glanced up at my friend Ash, blatantly ignoring the condescending tone in his voice. Or trying to, anyway. He was a few years older than me, but we had been friends ever since I had started working at the same supermarket as him and he'd wound up training me on my first day. Turns out we both like the same music, anime and games so we'd hit it off right away.

"I needed that job, man," I groaned, sitting back up. ""Late to work too many times' my hairy Canadian ass… My bank's threatening to sell my credit account to a collection agency… and not one of those 'let's work out a repayment plan' agencies, a 'we're going to break your fucking legs if you don't pay up now' agency."

"Well, you're the idiot that went and bought the stupid 3DS, not me," Ash shrugged.

"My old one broke, though," I moaned piteously. "Half-way through another Lunatic-Plus playthrough, too. Thank god for SD cards…"

"You really like that game, don't you?" Ash asked, draining his glass and signalling the bartender for another.

I drained my own glass, too, holding it out for another refill.

"I fuckin' love Fire Emblem, man," I admitted. "Ever since I was a kid."

"It wasn't that great a game," Ash said, rolling his eyes. "I'm still slogging my way through Mass Effect again."

"Tali again?" I asked, quirking a brow.

"No way," Ash said, perking up somewhat as our fresh beers were delivered. "I finally got the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC, so I can do a three-game Liara playthrough!"

I grinned and shook my head. This was why I spent time with Ash; he had a way of taking my mind off of the bad shit, even if it was only for a little while.

"Well," I said, raising my beer. "Here's to sexy blue alien girls, then!"

* * *

"Urgh. What the… fuck?" I groaned weakly. "Where am I- oh god too bright…"

I lifted my hands up, covering my face from the harsh glare before slowly sitting up.

Running a hand over the short stubble on the top of my bald head I blinked my eyes clear, running that same hand vigorously down my face and over my short, scruffy beard to try and wake myself up a little more.

I found myself sitting in a forest. A nice forest, the kind of bright and cheery fairy-tale forest you see in Disney movies, not the dry and dusty bushland I was used to. This forest looked like the kind of shit you see in nature documentaries about bears and salmon on the Discovery Channel, the ones based in North America; which, coincidentally, was a long way from Australia. However, this knowledge did little to explain the fact that I was sitting in a fucking forest with no memory of how I got there.

"How in the name of… why the fuck am I in a forest!? Again!? Where the hell am I!? Dammit, Ash! What the fuck, man!? This isn't funny! It wasn't funny the last time you did it and… Oh god…"

I swayed, trying not to puke.

The last thing I remembered at the time was drinking with Ash after being fired from yet another job again last night. We had gotten fucked-up, sure, but…

I found myself thinking that perhaps someone had spiked my drink?

Giving an involuntary shiver as I stood I clutched at my stomach, feeling it rebel at the motion before dry-heaving a little.

"Ugh… I am so hung-over…"

Seriously, though, who in their right mind would spike the drink of a short, hairy, bearded dude with no money and a car almost out of gas?

I found myself reasoning that, at the very least, it appeared to be late spring wherever I was, so I wasn't liable to freeze to death. My jeans and favourite DevilDriver t-shirt would suffice for now, but if it got colder at night I'd need a jacket or a coat.

Or, ideally, I could find my car and get far the hell away from here.

Wherever here was.

…

Where… was my car, anyway?

As I shambled through the trees doing my best not to chuckle at the real-life 'Dude, Where's my Car' references I could be making, I decided to do the thing I should have done first and check my phone for signal. Only to find all of my pockets completely empty.

"Oh for fuck's sake…" I groaned, leaning against a tree and looking around. "Figures. Did I get mugged again or something? Ah, fuck I hope Ash has my keys…"

I gave myself a quick once-over, checking for bruises, contusions or anything else that might point to me being accosted; in the end I didn't even find a measly stab wound. Deciding to just find a road and hitchhike to the nearest payphone (I'm sure one still existed somewhere in the world), I set off again. No way in hell was I crawling through scrub just to find a crappy twenty-dollar phone and a wallet with a maxed-out credit card and a couple of dollar coins in it while I was this hung-over. Someone had swiped my puffer, though, so if I had an asthma attack I was well and truly screwed; that pissed me off. It wasn't like those things were expensive; hell, you didn't even need a doctor's script to buy them at most places!

Why did everyone want to steal _my_ shit all the time?

"Fuck it, I got a spare at home," I muttered, starting to move a little faster.

* * *

I shielded my eyes as I came into a field a few hours later, looking around. If this were some farmer's property back home, I'd get my ass shot off. I'm sure the same went for places in the US or Canada, too. The fact that I was even thinking this made me wonder once again where, in God's name, I was. Finding no sign of a road or even a farmhouse in the distance I shrugged, deciding to just keep walking.

While muttering the 'just keep swimming' song from Finding Nemo under my breath. Because I could.

Lamenting the fact I hadn't paid more attention when I was in Scouts, I wondered how I would go about getting food. Or water. Or finding shelter.

I wondered if the people here even spoke English.

…

…

…

Gah! This was not the landscape I was familiar with! Where was the dust? Where was the dead, dry grass? Where were the endless rows of cane farms? Where in the name of unholy hell was I?

These were the questions I asked myself as I tromped through the picturesque field, completely ignoring its simple beauty.

I grumbled, stopping to look around. It was Sunday morning. I was cold, tired and hungry. The new episodes of Fate/Stay Night and Sword Art Online were out, and I wasn't downloading them. I didn't even have my iPod to listen to as I walked. Or my 3DS, or my Vita, or… anything!

I missed technology! I was a child of the new century, dammit!

"This day is officially fuckin' balls," I groaned, sighed and then continued to walk in the random direction I'd chosen, hands in my pockets.

I walked for what I assumed was another couple of minutes, sun burning down on my shaved head as I moved. I had to admit, though, it was a nice change being able to walk around outside in jeans without sweating my hairy arse off. Even if I was getting sunburn on the chrome-dome.

And, while thinking thoughts of my body-hair and early-onset male pattern baldness, I met my first natives.

"Hello there, friend!" someone called out behind me.

I spun, fully aware that I was still glowering, and raised an eyebrow at what I saw.

"Oh fuck me," I muttered, eyes going wide.

I started to laugh. I couldn't help it. I was being approached by the three best Fire Emblem cosplayers I'd ever seen. The guy in the lead was such a dead-ringer for Chrom it was uncanny; the brand on his shoulder even looked real, rather than Nikko-penned on. Lissa and Frederick were well done, too. Hell, the Frederick cosplayer was even leading a _real_ horse around by the reins! All they were missing was Robin, and they'd have the full Prologue set!

"Sorry, sorry," I said quickly as the two men frowned. "Am I in the way of your photo-shoot or something? Where's the nearest road? And more importantly, how far away from town am I? Judging from the green this must be pretty far south…"

The Chrom-cosplayer stopped to look at me, tilting his head a little as the Frederick stepped past him to face me. Both men were very tall, reminding me just how short I really was. At least their Lissa cosplayer was shorter than me. And she was a total babe, too. If I were a braver man, I'd try to get her number.

She noticed me looking at her and gave a shy little smile that made my blood pump faster, hang-over or no hang-over.

Their Frederick cleared his throat, reminding me he was right in front of me. The way he was looking at me, I'd obviously just been checking out his girlfriend. Whatever, though; looking wasn't illegal.

"Sorry," I repeated. "I'm really lost. Have any of you got a phone on you or something?"

"A what?" their Chrom asked, a perplexed look crossing his face.

I had to give the guy props for staying in character. But, really, I hated those kinds of cosplayers. With a fiery, burning passion, I hated them so. No lie, they were the reason I never went to conventions. And wasn't allowed in Disney Land anymore. It's a… long story. One for elsewhere.

"Whatever," I said, running a hand over my bald head again. "What way's the nearest 'town' then?"

"I don't believe I like your tone, sir," the Frederick said icily.

"Wow, fuck off bro," I snapped, glaring up at the mountain of a man. "What part of 'lost' did you not get?"

…

What?

I was hung-over and lost, and here were these three dill-holes in cosplay giving me shit? Nuh-uh. Fuck this douche-bag.

He raised an eyebrow at my outburst, but whatever beat-down I was about to get was mercifully postponed by the Chrom-player putting his hand on the guy's shoulder. Yeah, they were both head-and-shoulders taller than me. Bastards.

"If this poor man is lost, the least we can do is bring him to Southtown with us," the Chrom-cosplayer said.

"Thanks," I said, leaning around the man in seriously convincing armour to address the Chrom guy.

In fact, I reflected, they all had crazy-good costumes. Like, real metal and everything. Frederick's suit of armour alone must have cost a fortune, not to mention weighing as much as my car.

"But, uh, if you're doing a shoot or something just point me in the right direction," I said. "I don't want to interrupt."

The Chrom cosplayer chuckled, stepping around the Frederick cosplayer.

"You use strange words, friend, and I do not understand them," he said, clapping me on the shoulder. "But we are heading into town, anyway. We will show you the way."

"Great," I said, feeling a little more excited as I stuck out my hand. "I'm Ben."

The guy looked at my hand for a moment before smiling and shaking my hand.

"I am Chrom," he said in that infuriatingly 'I'm so into my character' way that some cosplayers got.

"I'm Lissa!" the girl piped up, appearing at the guy's side and sticking out her hand.

I shrugged, taking it and pumping it a few times.

"A pleasure," I said, looking to the last of the three. "Let me guess… your name is Frederick, Knight of Ylisse, right?"

The big man's frown turned into a full-blown scowl as I grinned up at him. It was impossible to miss the way his hand dropped to the axe strapped to his belt and…

And my eyes widened as I realised it was a _real fucking axe_.

"Sheesh, you guys are legit," I said, rubbing the back of my head. "A real horse and real weapons? I gotta say, your budget impresses me. Is this like a promo shoot for Nintendo or something? … Need an extra? I can totally play a bandit or villager or something if you need another body."

"Cease your blathering and tell me how you knew my name," the Frederick guy asked, his axe suddenly pointed at my face.

"Dude, what the fuck?" I asked, slapping the weapon aside.

There was a dull sound as my open palm met the steel axe; from the weight I could tell it was most definitely real. I looked over my shoulder to where Chrom was eyeing me suspiciously, his hand resting on the broadsword strapped to his own belt. I felt cold realisation settling in the pit of my stomach as I looked back at the now-furious Frederick cosplayer.

Only… these weren't cosplayers. Those weren't fake weapons; that axe had been heavy, too heavy to be a prop. That armour didn't just look real, either. These were either actors or…

"Oh fuck me… I'm too hung-over for this shit…" I cursed, stepping back and pinching the bridge of my nose.

No way, I thought to myself. There was no way in hell I was in a fucking video game. No way-

My thoughts turned blank as I realised I was flying through the air. I hit the ground, hard, and found myself with a mouthful of grass.

"You will answer my question!" Frederick, the real Frederick, boomed.

"Argh, fuck you, get the hell offa me!" I shouted back, squirming. "I don't even know where the fuck I am! I was out drinking last night, and I wake up in this fucking forest with all my shit gone, now I'm getting my ass kicked!? Fuck off! Lemme up so I can kick your ass!"

I watched the man on top of me blink in astonishment at my outburst for a moment out of the corner of my eye before Chrom pulled him off of me. I climbed back to my feet, still cursing like a sailor while I rolled out my neck and tried not to puke as adrenaline flooded my body, warring with my hangover. I stepped back, adopting a boxer's pose; I'd taken karate classes as a kid, sparred with my dad and brothers occasionally, and even worked as a bouncer for a brief stint, so I knew how to fight at the least…

I was probably about to get a major smack-down, but my shrink did say something about 'aggression issues'…

"That's enough!" Chrom said, interposing himself between us before I could do something stupid.

Like punching a guy in full armour holding an actual fucking axe with my naked fist.

"Just tell me where the nearest road is, for fuck's sake!" I shouted, losing my cool completely.

"You will not speak to milord in such an irreverent fashion!" Frederick demanded, stepping forward again.

"Suck a gallon of dicks, dick-hole!" I roared. "I don't need this!"

Chrom threw out an arm to stop Frederick's approach, giving me a funny look.

"If you walk that way you will find Southtown before the end of the day," Chrom said patiently, pointing a little to the right of the direction I'd been travelling.

"Thank you," I said exasperatedly before I started walking again.

No way, I thought. No fucking way was I in a video game. This wasn't the Legend of Neil. I hated self-insert fics. I was being punked or some other such shit. I was still waiting for Ashton Kutcher or someone to jump out at me and tell me I was on camera as I heard Lissa ask possibly the funniest thing I'd heard in months behind me, on par with the 'fuck-ass' line from the start of Donnie Darko.

"Brother, what… what does 'fuck' mean?" she asked, her curious voice totally innocent.

* * *

"No," I said an hour later as I walked into the town.

"No fucking… I don't… I… no. Just… no."

It was like a renaissance fair or something. You know, like those theme villages about gold miners and things that you get out in the sticks sometimes? Like that, but much, much more convincing.

I honestly spent another hour walking around the perimeter of the village, looking for the parking lot and finding nothing but more wilderness, some farmland and more village.

"I am seriously getting fed up with this shit…" I growled, refusing to make eye contact with anyone as I walked slowly through the village.

I was getting funny looks, but then again I was walking around with 'I love the killing' printed on the back of my shirt in big orange letters. And everyone here was in cosplay, too, so I really stuck out. Period costumes; farming tools lying around everywhere; poor villagers and all kinds of other shit; a few town guards in light quilted armour, giving me the stink eye as the rushed past me, obviously with more… important…

 _Oh shit_ , I thought, realising that, if I had indeed been sucked into a video game, that this town was about to literally go up in flames in a big way.

As soon as I thought that, right on cue, the screaming started. I could smell smoke and hear laughter from around the corner, and sure enough the villagers scattered.

"Crap-fuck," I breathed, realising I was standing alone on the street now. "Crap-fuck, crap-fuck-crap-fuck-crap-fuck-cr-"

Two shirtless dudes, a lot less muscular than the bandits in Fire Emblem are usually presented, darted around the corner, swinging axes and whooping loudly as they terrorized the villagers. Both men came to a stop when they saw me, grinning madly.

My gaze darted around, looking for a weapon or…

"Okay, guys," I said, holding my hands up and trying to appear as unthreatening as possible as I slowly backed away. "I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I don't want any part of it. So… let's just pretend we never saw each other, m'kay?"

Both men looked at each other before bursting into laughter and advancing on me again, weapons brandished. I couldn't help but scoff; both men had simple wood-cutting axes that looked so blunt they'd be more likely to bludgeon me to death than actually chop me up. Heart beating out of control in my chest, I reached down to grab the rake sitting in the dirt next to the house we were outside of, and both men started to laugh again.

"Right," I said, twirling it the way I was taught as a kid and snapping it into place beneath my right armpit. "Last chance. Walk away or crawl away. Your choice."

Squealing internally at my bad-assery I waited to see if my feint would work. If these guys were actors like I was fervently praying that they were they'd back down now and give me shit for ruining their performance. Unfortunately, it appeared that they, too, were really into their roles as they rushed me at the same time.

So, apparently it was time to put my old skills to the test and try not to get dead.

One was faster than the other, so I spun the rake and smashed him with the side of the metal head, trying not to kill him. Just in case. He went down like a sack of dirt, and I found myself blocking haphazard blows from his friend on the rake's handle. Apparently the axes were a lot sharper than they looked, because after a few hits the farming implement broke, leaving me with two nearly-meter-long poles in my hands. I shrugged and began wailing on this guy with the poles, driving him to the ground before lashing out with my steel-cap boot and indenting his chin. The second guy dropped, leaving me standing alone and breathing heavily.

Too heavily, I realised, as the adrenaline gave way to asthma.

I dropped the lengths of broken rake and took deep breaths, doubling over with a hand on my chest and willing myself to calm down. Fortunately the smoke was wafting in the other direction, so the air was still clear. After about a minute I had my breathing under control again; it was difficult to do, like a big fat-guy was sitting on my chest, but I was still breathing, and more importantly still moving.

Which meant it was time to beat feet and get far the fuck away from this village or whatever the fuck it was. I'd just beaten two guys into the dirt. I didn't need to be questioned by local cops. I didn't even know where the Australian embassy was in this lovely little shit-bowl!

If this really was reality, and I hadn't wandered onto a film set and just beaten the shit out of two extras, then that meant that Chrom and Robin would be here any minute to save the villagers. Meaning I could get as far the fuck away as possible, guilt free, and try to figure out how to get home.

I stepped over the broken rake and on a whim grabbed one of the lame axes before turning and making to head back the way I'd come. All I had to do was turn a corner and run for the forest, get as far away as possible. There was still screaming in the distance, and…

All of my thoughts disappeared as I rounded the corner and found two more of the thugs, or bandits or whatever, looming over some kids. A teenage girl, cowering and holding two younger kids close and trying to shield them as these guys advanced on them. I didn't even want to think about what these jerk-offs were planning to do, but where I came from we left young girls alone.

 _Fuck it_ , I thought. _I can beat a couple more guys up before getting outta dodge. I may be a jerk and an ass hole, but I don't think there's a man alive that could walk by this scene and not do something._

Plus, they only looked about as tough as the last two.

"Oi!" I shouted, getting their attention. "Step the fuck away from the kids. Now."

I struggled with my tongue after that, both men blinking incredulously at the weirdly dressed stranger. One of them had an axe like mine, the other was sporting a beaten-up old sword.

Hell, weapon triangle be damned, I was gunning on kicking this guy's ass, too.

They both looked at each other before ignoring the kids and starting to advance towards me. I think it surprised them when I started to walk towards them at the same pace, though. I think it surprised them more, judging from the way they stopped moving, when I started to charge at them.

Both men actually tried to leap out of my way, and the one with the axe succeeded, so I found myself going after the one with the sword first. He went down as I smashed the back of the axe head in his temple, hopefully just unconscious.

I turned my attention to the other bandit, spinning on one foot…

Hot, unimaginable pain exploded in my ribs as the second bandit buried his axe in my left flank. Fortunately I had already been moving, and momentum brought me down on top of the man at the same time my vision went white. The axe came free from my chest with a wave of fresh pain, and I brought my own down on the man's face. His nose shattered, and as I drew my weapon back I spun it around in my grip. His own axe missed my face by centimetres, thanks only to the fact I was unbalanced when he moved beneath me, and with a vicious snarl I drove mine into his chest, just below his neck. There was a wet sucking sound as I pulled it free, the man going limp beneath me, and for good measure I buried the weapon in his chest again as I stood.

As soon as I was up I found myself tottering backwards, falling on my arse and idly realising my favourite DevilDriver shirt was completely ruined. How I'd ever get the blood out…

Then it hit me 'holy shit, I'm bleeding here', and I started to panic again.

I realised that it didn't actually hurt that much, despite the fact I could see my freaking ribs through my shirt, which of course meant I was going into shock. Which was a very bad thing.

Someone was screaming for help, probably one of the kids I had saved.

 _Stupid, stupid idea_ , I told myself. _You're used to fighting with drunken douchebags in town, not axe-wielding bandits actually trying to kill you. This is probably the end._

 _Eh, at least you went out looking like a total bad-ass_ , I consoled myself.

As my vision started to go black I felt a strange, soothing warmth in my side. The kind of warmth you get after your third straight tequila shot, but centralised in my wounded ribs rather than my chest and stomach.

I blinked my vision clear to see a concerned looking Lissa leaning over me, her glowing staff hovering a few inches from my wound, which was miraculously closing.

Ah. Magic. That right there proved I was in a video game.

 _Fuck._

 _No_ , I told myself. _Compartmentalize. Deal with it later._

"Ow," I groaned, sitting up when she finished.

"Are you okay?" she asked quickly. "You… got hurt protecting the children and-"

"Stop," I said, holding up one hand.

I had to check. I had to know.

"We can get to that in a sec. Did you just use magic to heal me? Not some sort of weird, experimental CIA-alien tech or some other shit?"

I had to compartmentalize, or I would have freaked out then and there. One thing at a time.

Lissa nodded enthusiastically, a big smile spreading across her face.

"Yeah, I'm a cleric!" Lissa beamed, showing me her staff.

I felt my pulse racing, realising that the pixelated version from my 3DS screen had nothing on the real-life Lissa _._

 _Holy crap if she's this hot, how good is Cordelia going to look? Or Say'ri? Or even Panne?_

"You were very brave," she added, stepping back to let me stand.

I gingerly climbed to my feet, shaking the lingering stars out of my eyes. I could see the body of the man I'd killed off to one side, my appropriated axe still sticking out of his chest. I didn't want to look at it dead-on, though. I didn't think my stomach could handle it. The reek of blood in the air was bad enough…

Still compartmentalizing, I turned away. It was just one more thing to freak out about later.

…

Lotta little compartments opening up in my brain, today…

Without warning I swayed and let out a cough, followed by a very asthmatic wheeze. I guess nearly dying is as good a trigger as any…

"Are you okay?" Lissa asked hurriedly, gripping me with strong, soft hands around the arm to hold me up.

"I'm fine," I wheezed with a deep breath. "It's just asthma. It'll… it'll pass. I just need a moment."

"What is asthma?" Lissa asked, her brows furrowing. "Why do you use so many strange words?"

"I'm not… from 'round here," I said, trying to control my breathing. "And asthma is… well, let's just say… I have weak lungs. I don't… breathe too good."

Smoking as a teenager definitely hadn't helped any…

Lissa looked up at me (god bless her for actually being short IRL) with a concerned expression before she pulled a small glass vial out of a pouch on her belt.

"Drink a little of this vulenary and see if it helps," she offered.

I nodded and accepted the small thing, willing to try anything at that point. As I poured some of the liquid down my throat I was amazed by how something could be both sour and spicy at the same time, nearly coughing the brackish liquid up multiple times. I tried to only drink about a third of the thing, remembering that you were supposed to get three charges out of them.

Just as I finished and handed the vial back, Chrom came out of the house and looked at me with concern evident on his features.

"Are you alright? Ben was it?" he asked, coming up to where I was standing with Lissa.

I nodded, trying to register everything going on right now. Magic was the tip-off, though. I was in Ylisse. I was honest-to-god inside of a Fire Emblem cartridge. Or, chip, considering the way that Nintendo was going these days… At least, if those weak-ass bandits were anything to go by, I was only playing on the easy setting. I mean, I'm fit enough and work out semi-regularly, but I'm no Lunatic-Plus warrior or anything.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, testing the arm above where my ribs had been wounded.

"You took quite the hit, there," Chrom said, clapping me on the shoulder again. "But you saved those children."

I had to resist the urge to wince or twitch. I don't actually like being touched that much, to be honest. And Chrom was clearly one of those people that just had to touch you when he spoke to you. One of _those_ people.

"Okay, great," I said as the Prince dropped his hand. "What now? Where are Frederick and Robin, anyway?"

Chrom quirked his brow at me, giving me another funny look.

"Frederick is scouting the town to find the bandit's leader," the blue-haired man said slowly. "I… I've never met anybody named Robin, though."

"Are they a friend of yours?" Lissa asked curiously, obviously determined not to be left out.

I shook my head.

 _Oh shit_ , I thought desperately. _Please, please God don't tell me I'm Robin. I'm not smart enough to be Robin! I could hardly beat Hard Mode!_

"It's not important," I said, trying to play it off. "Do… you guys want a hand with these bandits? Or something?"

Chrom shook his head.

"I can't ask you to do that," he said. "We watched you fight with these two, and… well… you're not very good. You'd just get hurt again."

 _Ouch. Okay, so I've never trained with an axe before. You did miss me kick ass with a bo-staff,_ I said in my head.

Instead of giving voice to my thoughts I shook my head, looking around.

"Trust me, I just need something I'm more familiar with," I assured him. "Does anyone have a spare lance or something?"

"You know how to fight with a lance?" Chrom asked incredulously.

"A staff," I corrected him, turning and finding another stack of farm tools. "It's been a while, but I can apparently still swing around a staff…"

I walked over to the stack, finding a suitable length hoe and snapped the head off it with a quick kick. I spun the wooden stick around like I had before, nodding before leaning it on my shoulder.

"That's… a staff where you come from?" Lissa asked curiously, eying the rough piece of wood across my shoulders.

I nodded, grinning.

"A bo-staff," I explained. "It's a martial-art. I can fight unarmed, too. Not… particularly well, but I've actually trained that way, so I'm better at that than using an axe or sword."

Let's just leave out the fact I only got to a green-stripe-belt here, shall we…?

Chrom looked at me, obviously unconvinced.

"If you want to help I won't turn you away," he said at length. "But stay behind me and Frederick. You're not wearing armour."

"Yeah, trust me, I noticed," I deadpanned, gingerly rubbing at the hole in my shirt.

Chrom blinked a few times before guffawing at my lame joke, Lissa giggling quietly behind him. He drew his sword with that grin on his face.

"Stick close to us, then," he said as he started to jog through the town.

Lissa gave me an encouraging nod, making me think that I might have to romance her on this play-through, before I reminded myself that this was most assuredly not a game. Thinking of this as a game would probably end with my untimely demise, easy mode or not.

* * *

We found Frederick not far from the town square, holding his horse by the reigns and peeking out around the corner of the building he was hiding behind. His armour was covered in blood splatters, more of the red fluid already drying on the blade of his axe. The Knight spun as we approached, shooting me a particularly dirty glare before ignoring me outright.

"What's the situation?" Chrom asked coming up beside the taller man.

"Five men with various armaments, all trying to get to the civilians holed up in the church," Frederick explained quickly. "Their leader seems to be among them. I say we charge while they're distracted and strike from their rear."

"Agreed," Chrom said, drawing the big fancy sword from his scabbard. "We'll charge, hit them hard and-"

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on a sec," I said, stepping around Lissa. "That's it? Charge five dudes with two and hope for the best? Where's your strategy?"

"Er… what?" Chrom asked. "It's just… five men."

"Which is two more than we have," I pointed out. "They have the element of numbers, and with…"

I trailed off, peeking around the corner and ignoring a visibly rage-trembling Frederick.

"That much space between you and them, you'll completely blow the element of surprise. And probably get hacked up into little itty-bitty pieces like I almost was. In short, you're not gonna have a good time."

I found myself wondering if these were honestly that stupid, but judging from the impressed looks on Lissa and Chrom's faces I'd say they were. Frederick just looked like he was about to throw me out into the square as a distraction, though.

I got the feeling he didn't like me very much…

At that moment I almost committed to waiting to find out who he paired up with so I could 'romance' his daughter just to spite him.

"What would you suggest, then?" Chrom asked, distracting my crude thoughts.

I twitched a little, realising with a sinking feeling what role I was falling into.

"Uh…" I muttered, getting my head in the game.

I took another look into the square, committing the layout to memory, before moving back to Chrom.

"Frederick rides around the side, hitting them from the flank. We'll move up behind the crates and stalls in the market quietly. When Frederick charges them, we jump out and take tha bandits by surprise. Simples."

"Not you," I added, turning to Lissa. "You stay where it's safe. But not too far away, in case I get chopped again."

"Right!" Lissa said enthusiastically.

"Milord, you can't seriously…" Frederick started as Chrom went quiet, stroking his chin in thought.

"It's a good plan," the other man nodded. "We'll do it. Frederick, ride around and hit them from the side. We'll cover you."

Frederick grumbled but followed Chrom's orders, climbing up into his saddle and kicking his horse into a trot. I gave him my best shit-eating grin the entire time, just to prove a point.

"Okay, let's get into position behind those crates and wait for Frederick to charge," I suggested, ducking low and hurrying over to the closest market stall.

Chrom followed me silently while Lissa lingered at the corner of the building, clutching her staff defensively to her chest. I had to admit that for a big guy Chrom could really move quietly. My boots made a soft tapping as I raced across the paved market square, but Chrom was silent as the wind.

We stopped behind cover and I leaned my head around the stall to watch the bandits. More bandits, muscled but not from a life of fighting, were trying to beat down the door to the church, their weapons bouncing ineffectively off the heavy wooden door. I watched, noticing the obvious leader's bearing; it was the same as my brother's and the guys he hung around with. Their leader, at the very least, had been military trained.

"What do you make of the one in the middle?" I whispered to Chrom.

The prince, for by now I was sure he was the real deal, glanced up over the stall for a moment before his head ducked back down.

"Military, possibly middle-ranks," he answered.

I nodded, glancing around the stall again.

"If Frederick doesn't take him down in his initial pass I need you to take him out," I whispered back.

"Pretty free with the orders, aren't you?" Chrom chuckled, his face betraying his good spirits.

"Hey mate, you're the one with actual military training," I defended myself. "I was only taught self-defence; that guy's way the fuck outta' my league. I can handle a few of the other ones, but this is going to be all you and frowny-mac-armour-pants."

Besides, I had an unfair advantage. I'd played Awakening before, so I knew for a fact that at least one of these guys had to be a guerrilla fighter from Plegia. No way could I take a trained killer with my beginner-level katas and a broken farming implement.

Chrom nodded, silent now. We could both hear the sound of hooves beating against dirt, and as the bandits caught the sound and began to turn Frederick exploded into the square.

"For Ylisse!" he roared, running down one of the bandits as the rest dove clear.

"Now!" I shouted, urging Chrom into action as I bolted around the stall. "For Pony!"

… What? I've always wanted to use that line. Sue me.

Chrom overtook me easily, dashing forwards and spinning, practically slicing the leader-bandit's arm off as he passed, the man going back down. Then he was in amongst the other bandits, swinging Falchion in great arcs.

One of the men rose up in front of me, and I gripped my makeshift staff the way we'd been taught during class. Of course, this stick was far too thin, and the bandit's first blow damn near cleaved it in two. I dodged around the bandit, bringing the low end of my staff up and knocking his axe up to deliver a kick to his gut. There was no power behind the blow, though, and we both stumbled backwards. I growled at him, darting in again and levelling the staff like a lance. The bandit panicked, swinging his axe wildly, and with a grunt I sacrificed my hold on my stick to disarm the bandit. Following my momentum I brought a fist down on the man's nose, smashing both it and my knuckles in the process. He fell backwards, and I kicked out at his knee, harder this time, my steel cap earning a sickening crack as his joint was dislocated.

In that time Chrom had already dealt with his two bandits, and Frederick was circling around for another pass. It looked like my plan had gone off without a hitch until Lissa screamed.

I spun, cursing internally for forgetting how the script played out.

"Get off! Get off me!" she shouted, batting ineffectually at the bandit leader with his one good arm wrapped around her.

"Shut up!" he roared, swinging his useless wounded arm around as he pressed his axe's blade to Lissa's cheek.

He looked up at Chrom and Frederick and ignoring me, breathing erratically as blood-loss started to take effect.

"Okay, so here's how this'll work," he grunted, dragging Lissa back a few more paces. "She's gonna heal me arm. Then, I'm takin' her with me as insurance, and if either of you even twitch at me, she becomes a whole lot less pretty!"

Lissa's eyes widened at the threat, the axe blade pressing into her flesh a little harder now.

"Foul knave!" Frederick shouted, bringing his horse around and preparing to charge again.

Chrom stopped him with an arm outstretched, glaring daggers at the bandit.

"Counter-proposal," I said, breathing heavier than I remembered as the adrenaline faded. "She heals you, then you take me as a hostage. I'll go quietly, just let her go."

"Ben, wait-" Chrom started before I cut him off with a look.

 _I got this_ , my look said.

"Well?" I growled at the bandit. "You're about to bleed out. I'd think a little fucking faster if I were you, or you'll just end up dead anyway."

The bandit swayed a little on his feet, shaking his head a little before nodding assent.

"Go ahead Lissa," I urged the girl.

Lissa nodded, bravely blinking back her tears and holding her staff up. The wound on the bandit's arm closed, and he flexed his hand a little before releasing his hold on Lissa and foolishly rushing me, clearly intending to kill me and take Lissa hostage anyway.

Which was exactly what I'd been hoping he'd do.

Grinning with confidence and malice that I honestly had no idea the source of, I stepped into his charge and brought my forehead down on his face, Jack Reacher style. Stars danced before my vision again and I'm pretty sure I blacked out a little, but I managed to keep my faculties about me long enough to send the bandit sprawling with another right hook for good measure.

"Ow…" I muttered, holding my bruised forehead with what I was sure was a broken hand and stumbling backwards.

I felt a breeze on my shoulder now, and looked at the new red hole in my shirt. Apparently I'd acted too slowly and the bandit's attack had gotten to me when I'd come at him. So, in addition to my splitting headache, I was bleeding again. Which is, of course, never a good thing.

Chrom and Frederick both rushed past me to where Lissa had collapsed, staring at the unconscious bandit leader with wide, teary eyes.

"I'm fine, by the way!" I called after them, falling backwards into a sitting position. "Not… bleeding or concussed or anything. I'll just sit here. Injured. Ow."

Chrom looked over his shoulder and laughed, shaking his head as he said something to Lissa. I was starting to drift in and out of consciousness at that point, so I couldn't really catch what anyone around me was saying. However, I had learned an important lesson: just because some guy in a book can headbutt everything that moves without so much as losing a brain-cell doesn't mean I could, too. Honestly, at that moment I was pretty sure I had just forgotten how to math.

Lissa gave a nod and climbed to her feet with Frederick's assistance before rushing over to my side. She held her staff over me again and shut her eyes, and I instantly felt my headache beginning to fade.

By the time she was done I was back on my feet and back to feeling totally out of place.

"Er… thank you… for saving me," Lissa mumbled, looking down before she stepped back to let Chrom through.

Her sheer moé-levels almost gave me another asthma attack then and there, but I managed to hold it in and give her a small smile in response.

"Your fighting style is unique," Chrom said with a grin, interrupting my moment with his sister. "It's obviously not one made for war, though. Where did you say you were from?"

"Kansas," I deadpanned, knowing that no one present would get the Wizard of Oz reference.

Chrom blinked as I sighed.

"I'm from someplace far away from here," I explained. "I don't know if I can get back, and before anyone says anything: yes, that guy is most definitely a Plegian guerrilla."

I ended my statement by pointing to the unconscious and bleeding bandit lying face up on the stones, desperately trying to change the subject.

"I was… just about to say that…" Frederick mumbled, looking down at me.

"How do you…?" Chrom started before I shrugged.

If I was going to be stuck here like I thought I was, I'd have to ham it up. I'd have to take Robin's place until he turned up, or I fucked things up so royally I got dead. Fortunately, the storyline of Awakening was rather simple, so I didn't doubt I could get it that wrong if things stayed at this difficulty level.

"What can I say? I'm kind of a tactician," I said with confidence I really did not feel.

Honestly, as familiar with Fire Emblem as I was, literally the only other strategy games I'd played were Valkyria Chronicles and 40k Squad Command. Fortunately, though, if this really was like a video game I had all that prior knowledge of Awakening's gameplay mechanics and script and…

At that point a thought occurred to me. I knew the plot of the story. I knew the _exact_ plot of the story, like the back of my hand after writing gratuitous amounts of fan-fiction for it.

I… I would be unstoppable.

I WAS A GOD. I WAS OMNIPOTENT. I WAS-

"An incredibly foul-mouthed tactician," Frederick grumbled, crossing his arms and bringing me back to reality.

"What can I say?" I chuckled and shrugged, grinning. "I grew up in a rough neighbourhood."

"Well, you risked your life standing beside us today," Chrom said with another easy grin. "Is there any way we can repay you?"

I stood there for a moment, lost in thought and ignoring the way that some of the braver villagers were beginning to peek out of the church.

I needed to get them to take me back to Ylisstol with them. On the road when we were attacked by Risen would be when Chrom makes up his mind to take Robin on as the tactician, so that's what I had to make happen. I'd already royally fucked up my entrance, though, so it was time to get creative.

"I need maps if I want to get home," I said after a pause. "Not of Ylisse. Of everything. The entire world. And access to someone familiar with teleportation magic and theory, too."

I hoped that had sounded as smart out loud as it did in my head, and judging from the impressed looks on everyone's faces, it had worked.

"We… have some maps you can look at back in Ylisstol," Chrom offered. "And there may be a mage there that can help you."

I nodded, Chrom no doubt referring to Miriel.

"Can… you bring me there?" I asked sheepishly. "I wasn't kidding before when I said I was lost."

This was apparently funny, judging from the way Chrom burst into laughter.

"We were just on our way back, so why not?" he said once his laughter had died down.

Around us now the villagers seemed to be getting a handle on the fire, meaning we wouldn't be needed here. I glanced up as an old man, obviously the elder if I was remembering the game's story correctly, approached us.

"Milords! Milords!" the old man said, straight from the game script. "Please milords, we're a simple village, but we would be honoured to host you tonight! Give us a few hours and we can have a royal feast prepared for you all as thanks!"

Fredrick shook his head. "While we appreciate the offer, we really must continue on to our destination with all due haste."

Lissa, however, had other plans; straight from the script.

"Dark meat for me, please, medium-well done, no salt in the soup… Wait, Fredrick, what?"

I snickered along with Chrom, watching the real-life comedy unfolding in front of me. It was one thing to read the speech on a screen, but it was an entirely different matter watching Lissa's crestfallen face as she realised she'd be camping again.

I was, and still am, a firm believer in schadenfreude. What? I have Germanic roots.

"While we cannot join your feast, perhaps there is something you can do for our courageous friend here," Chrom said, placing another hand on my shoulder.

I had to try very hard not to twitch. I really, really didn't like being touched.

"Anything, milord, anything," the elder said, bowing.

"Clothes, I assume?" I asked the blue-haired prince over my shoulder.

Chrom grinned and nodded.

"Alright then," I said, pulling at my ruined shirt. "I'll need a new shirt, and a jacket or something to go over it if I'm going to be travelling again."

Another thought occurred to me as I glanced down at my bruised knuckles.

"And… farming gloves," I said, looking back up at the village elder with a confident grin. "Big, thick-ass leather gloves if you have them."

Chrom, Lissa and Frederick gave me a questioning glance as the elder rushed off to collect the clothes for me. I shrugged, wordlessly holding up my bruised hands.

Chrom nodded knowingly, grinning a little as Lissa went back to pestering Frederick about staying the night. It was quite possibly the cutest thing I'd ever seen, but if she ever pestered me like that I'd lose my shit in twenty-seconds flat.

The elder returned quickly, holding a bundle of cloth which I assumed were my new clothes.

"Here you are, milord," he said, bowing his head and offering me up the clothes.

"I'm no-one's lord, mate," I laughed, pulling the rags that had once been my favourite shirt off over my head.

The plain linen shirt he gave me was way, way too big, but it was better than walking around half-naked, so I pulled it on over my head and gave the elder a grateful nod.

"I have the gloves and coat you asked for, too, sir," the old man said, holding out more clothes. "The finest in the village! A thank you for saving us."

The gloves were perfect; they reached halfway up to my elbows, were thick enough to offer my knuckles a modicum of protection when I started hitting things, and…

A black coat.

A knee-length black-dyed woollen coat was presented to me as well. Taking the garment I let out a laugh, pulling it on over my new shirt and tucking the gloves into a pocket.

Apparently the universe really did want me to play Robin's part.

 _Fuck you, universe,_ I cursed mentally, grinning as I brushed invisible dust off my new lapels in a small show for my three new traveling companions.

* * *

That evening we all sat around the campfire, and I was quiet as I tried to process what had happened that day, the haunch of bear in my hands going ignored and uneaten as it cooled.

Point one: I was inside a video game, ala Legend of Neil. Except this was a lot less funny so far.

Point two: I was supposedly a tactician and, if things were going the way I thought they were, I was about to get my first job over here. That being said, given my track record with jobs in the last year I'd only have it for a short time, but hopefully I could find out how to get home before that.

Point three: I had killed at least two dudes today, maybe more. With zero consequences. In fact, I had been rewarded for it. And I did not know how to feel about that. I was still confused. I would liken the feeling to the first time you get laid. Did that really happen? Was that really me? Did I really do that? That kind of feeling.

"Er… Ben?" Chrom said kindly from across the fire. "Are you alright? You're not eating. It really doesn't taste as bad as Frederick and Lissa make out."

I glanced up, looking at the two concerned and one suspicious face looking at me. Right, right… Robin's meant to be stuffing his face at this point. I grinned as I took a huge bite out of the meat. I actually liked gamey meat; I was a huge fan of deer and kangaroo, and bear actually wasn't that different. Tastes like shit, but the texture is similar.

"It's pretty good," I said once I'd swallowed, trying not to laugh at the horrified faces Frederick and Lissa were making.

"See?" Chrom said in that familiar older brother tone to Lissa. "You're just far too delicate to enjoy a robust flavour like this."

The blonde woman huffed, moving over to where I was sitting in the dirt and crouching down at my side.

"Ignore my brother, I am not delicate," she grumbled as Frederick and Chrom began to talk about something on the other side of the fire. "Now lift up you shirt and let me check where I healed you earlier."

I nodded, remembering that clerics weren't just mages; they were full-blown healers. Or at least I wrote them as such, anyway.

"He doesn't mean anything by it," I assured the girl as I shrugged my coat off.

Lissa scoffed as she yanked my shirt up, gently prodding at my ribs with her fingertips.

"How would you know?" she asked distractedly.

"Because I have two baby-brothers, too," I shrugged.

Not that I knew then if I'd ever see them again, but hey; I'd lived with both of them for twenty years, so I had the experience at the very least.

"Really?" Lissa asked, moving to check my shoulder. "Are they jerks too?"

I let out an involuntary laugh, making Lissa draw back and give me a funny look.

"No, I'm the oldest so I'm kinda the jerk," I chuckled, lowering my shirt again.

"Great," Lissa deadpanned, giving my shoulder one last prod before moving back to sit at my side.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "If he's anything like me he's just being a dick to show his love. Us guys are a complicated sort."

We sat in silence for a little while, me trying to work out my thoughts while unconsciously eating the meat still in my hand, and Lissa no doubt ruminating on the day, too.

I kept coming back to the fact that I'd killed a man. Two men, at least, I reminded myself. I'd ended two lives, and I simply reasoned it away as them being NPCs. Even though this wasn't a game, even though this was real-life, I still told myself that the men I'd killed were NPCs. And it helped.

Now all I had to worry about was getting home. Until I figured out something better, I would simply go with the game's story. Naga has the power to transport people dimension to dimension, so I assumed my best bet would be getting up to the point where we would meet here.

Right at end-game, three years from that point in the forest. Damn. So much for that plan…

But… Did I really want to go home?

"Tell us about where you're from," Chrom said across the fire, cutting into my thoughts again.

"Yeah!" Lissa agreed excitedly. "I wanna hear about your hometown!"

Alarm bells started ringing in my head, making me wonder just how much I could tell them.

"It's…" I started, groping for the right words. "Hot. Tropical where I live; there's lots of rainforest a few hours north, lots of green and water. It's a really beautiful place, to tell the truth. I'm really lucky I live there. But if you travel for a few hours inland it gets dry and dusty. And even hotter. The people are… well, like people everywhere. There are some nice ones and some assholes."

Lissa and Chrom both nodded, enraptured.

"What's it called?" Frederick asked coldly.

"Australia," I shrugged. "It's an island nation in the south. I doubt it's even on any of your maps."

Frederick scoffed, unimpressed.

"How'd you get here, then?" Lissa asked curiously.

"I honestly have no idea," I shrugged, hamming it up again. "Hence why I want to travel to Ylisstol and figure some things out. I'm totally lost."

"Yet you seem to have a fair amount of knowledge of the surrounding area," Frederick grunted.

"Enough with the interrogation, Frederick," Chrom sighed. "I… believe his story. I don't know why, but I feel like we can trust him."

"I ain't getting home unless you trust me," I added, grinning at Frederick. "So if you guys ever need an extra set of hands, I'm down for whatever."

Chrom blinked at me for a moment before grinning.

"I assume that was an offer of aid should we need it?"

"Yeah, let's go with that," I sighed, running a hand over my stubble again. "Just ignore my regional slang."

"I like it!" Lissa said suddenly. "It's really interesting! But I still can't figure out what 'fuck' means."

I choked a little on my bear, coughing at the sight of such an innocent girl saying such a serious profanity.

"Okay, firstly that is a serious curse word and you should never say it. Ever. On the hierarchy of swears where I come from, it's tied at number two," I told her quickly. "Secondly, owing to its versatility it is also my favourite word."

Lissa's eyes went wide as she clapped her hands over her mouth, Chrom and Frederick bursting into laughter at the sight.

"So… what does it mean?" a red-faced Lissa asked sheepishly once the other two stopped laughing.

"Do you really want to know?" I asked, taking another bite of my rapidly dwindling bear.

Lissa nodded. I looked up to Chrom, who shrugged helplessly, grinning like a bastard.

"Short answer is that it means 'intercourse'. Long answer is… well, sit back and let me explain to you the magic of how one word can be a noun, adjective, verb and adverb all at once!" I declared, downing the rest of my bear all in one go to free up my hands for explanation.

I loved giving this lecture.

* * *

Later that night I sat with my back against a tree, looking out over our small campsite and pretending to sleep. I knew what was coming, and with a certain level of excitement was sitting, waiting for Chrom to get up for his walk.

Lucina was coming, and I was ready to squeal like a Hiddleston-fangirl at Comic-Con.

Still, though, I was wondering how in the hell I was going to get home. Not that home held any particular allure for me. In fact, if things went well here, I kind of wanted to stay. Back IRL I didn't have a lot going for me, to be honest. Crap jobs, debt up to my eye-balls, half-finished degree which had been that way for a lot longer than it should have… But here, I could be the Shepherds' tactician. I could be Robin, save the world, kick some serious ass, and get with my pick of whichever Awakening waifu I wanted! I had all my favourite girls' support conversations memorised, anyway, so all I had to do was keep an eye out for the right flags. But… I'd only get one play-through. I had to choose carefully, or I'd screw up, or worse, get stuck with a wife that didn't actually compliment my… abrasive personality. So Olivia was probably out. So was, to a lesser extent, Cordelia. I drank, swore, and showed a total lack of respect for any and all authority. That probably wouldn't go down well with either of them. Sumia… I'd rather see shipped with Chrom. Lissa I could see doing, but… I'd really rather not marry into royalty if I was going to hang around. Too many rules. Tharja was a great fall-back plan, though. She was supposed to worship the ground I walked on, right? Plus, to quote Harvest Scramble's script, she was the 'boingiest' in the army. I found myself pointedly ignoring her more yandere-traits then as I fantasized.

 _Right,_ I decided. _I'm going to play the Tharja route!_

…

I stopped at that point, reflecting on the fact I was mixing digital and real-life up again. This was going to become a seriously bad habit if I wasn't careful.

I snorted, snapping back to wakefulness as I realised that I had drifted off during my thoughts of routes and flag rising. Chrom and Lissa were already wandering off into the forest, which meant it was almost show-time.

"Hey," I whispered to Frederick.

The big knight let out a soft snore, ignoring me and rolling onto his side. I glanced over my shoulder, and sure enough Chrom and Lissa had already disappeared into the dark forest.

"Frederick, wake the fuck up, bro," I whispered a little louder this time.

The ground shook a little, the trees swaying overhead.

 _Already!?_ I wondered, throwing subtlety to the wind as I pulled my new gloves on.

"Frederick, wake. The fuck. Up!" I shouted, giving the knight's armoured back a good kick for emphasis.

Frederick shot to a sitting position as the earth started to quake again, and I fell flat on my arse. He looked at me with a gambit of expressions playing across his face before finally settling on mild irritation mixed with concern for his charges.

"Where are-"

"In the forest!" I cut him off, climbing to my feet before pulling him to his. "Get your butt on that horse and find them! Now!"

He nodded, once again his sense of duty to Chrom and Lissa no doubt saving me from getting my teeth punched in for being a rude prick, and leapt up into his saddle. He cast one look at me before urging his horse over in my direction, the charger calm despite the shaking and the smell of smoke that was starting to reach us.

"Get on," he said simply.

"I… how?"

Frederick rolled his eyes, grabbing me by the scruff and dropping me behind him. I squirmed around a bit, trying to get comfortable before he dug his heels in and we were off. I'm not ashamed to say that I was nervous for being on a horse for the first time, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. Until the horse jumped a fallen log I didn't see in time to brace for, and my balls were crushed beneath me, anyway.

"Argh, fuck this horse shit!" I shouted behind Frederick, much to the Knight's apparent amusement.

Fucker knew that would happen and was laughing his ass off at that point.

Before I could consider how best to get my revenge we came out into the clearing where Chrom, Lissa and _holy-crap-balls-YES!_ Lucina-Marth were fighting Risen.

Chrom and 'Marth' killed the last one as we arrived, the time-traveler giving us a shocked glance before disappearing into the trees.

"Prepare to sortie!" I shouted, jumping off Frederick's absurdly high horse. "I'll be right back!"

"Ben, where are you… wait, where's the man…" Chrom asked, looking around the clearing in confusion before I disappeared into the forest after Lucina.

I pushed my way through the undergrowth, rushing in the direction I'd seen her go. Once I was sure I was far enough away I finally let my grin out and spun around in a circle.

"Oh Princess!" I called out in a sing-song voice. "I know you're here, I know your secret, and I want your he~elp. "

There was no answer, and I shrugged.

"Princess! Lucina!" I shouted, my voice still light.

It was at that point that a scowling Lucina-Marth, parallel-Falchion in hand, stepped out from behind a tree to glare at me from behind her mask.

"How do you know-" she started, her manner very threatening before I cut her off.

"Later," I said, stepping towards her and, despite my better judgement, into her striking zone. "Right now, I want your help defending your father and Aunt from the Risen. Skinny ass front and center, woman. Now."

"How…" she breathed, her voice becoming much more feminine as her Marth persona dropped.

"I'm a prophet, I'm a genius, call me whatever," I snapped. "Risen incoming. Come back with me, help me fight, and then we'll talk. Okay? Trust me, I'm apparently here for the same reason you are."

Lucina proceeded to stare at me for a moment before nodding woodenly.

"Good, this way," I said, spinning on my heel, dashing back out to the forest clearing.

A clearing that was now swarming with Risen.

"Holy crap where did all these guys come from!?" I shouted, skidding on my heels.

"They always move in packs," Lucina-Marth stated, her voice deeper again as she stepped out behind me.

At that point I figured it would just be easier to think of them as two completely different people.

* * *

"That was… not fun," I gasped, hands on my knees as I sucked in air like a drowning man.

"Pfft. Pansy," Sully, having shown up earlier with Virion right on cue, said scornfully.

I flipped her the bird, a hand gesture whose meaning was obviously lost on her, before finally drawing myself back up to my full height.

"Are you well, my newest friend?" Virion asked me, his weird speech already starting to piss me off.

They had come in out of nowhere, plugging the hole in our flank I had purposely left open. Much to everyone else's amazement. I think, judging from the looks I was getting from Chrom and Lissa, that I was in as the Shepherds' tactician. And, judging from the way that 'Marth' kept staring at me, she believed me now, too.

"I'm fine, Ruffles," I said, doing my best to slow my breathing and trying out the fan-favourite nickname I'd always wanted to.

"Ruffles?" Virion repeated in a hurt tone while the others around him snickered at his expense.

"Are you okay?" Lissa asked in a kind voice, hurrying to my side. "Is it your lungs again?"

I nodded, grinning at being fussed over by such a cute girl.

"Alas, I race to the rescue and am spurned and scorned while the newcomer is treated as a king among commoners by the most beauteous of princesses!" Virion lamented loudly, theatrically holding his hand to his brow.

I went to retort something, my words lost in the wheeze that followed before I started coughing.

"He has weak lungs," Lissa snapped irritatedly. "And yet he still fought alongside us, while someone moaned the other day they wanted to rest their tired feet rather than go on patrol!"

I couldn't help but grin as Virion cleared his throat awkwardly and muttered something, shuffling away in defeat. Lissa, who could apparently be quite the bad-ass herself when she wanted to be, pressed another vulenary vial into my hands, which I uncorked with my teeth and downed in one go, the thick liquid almost making me gag.

Once I finished I took a deep, shuddering breath and looked down at Lissa appreciatively.

"Thanks, Princess," I said, stepping around her. "I'll make it up to you later. Why don't we go and save your brother from the awkwardness over there?"

Lissa nodded and giggled a little bit, falling in at my shoulder and following me to where Chrom and 'Marth' were awkwardly staring at each other.

"Hey-hey-hey," I greeted them. "What's crackin?"

"What?" Chrom asked, tilting his head curiously.

"It means 'hello, what's going on'," I explained with a sigh.

"I was just speaking to…" Chrom started, trailing off when he realised that he didn't know the stranger's name.

"You may call me Marth," Lucina said, her voice pitched low.

I grinned as the scene from the game played out before me, almost exactly word for word. However there was a change from the usual script as she stepped up to me.

"I would speak with you in private now, tactician," she said to me, practically dragging me off into the forest.

"Argh, hey, easy!" I complained, struggling to keep my exhausted feet beneath me.

Lissa and Chrom exchanged confused glances as they watched the stranger drag me off, but made no move to help after I gave them the universal 'everything is okay' symbol that is the thumbs-up. They watched us disappear with worry etched on their faces until I lost sight of them in the trees.

As Lucina dragged me into the forest a few of the other Shepherds glanced up curiously when we passed. We went deep into the forest, stopping only when we could no longer hear the voices of the others.

"This far enough yet?" I asked, annoyance clear in my tone as I readjusted my new coat.

"Explain yourself," she demanded, her voice reverting back to its usual feminine timbre as she rounded on me. "Who are you? How do you know the things you do?"

"Will you relax already?" I sighed, gingerly pulling off my gloves. "I already told you I'm on your side."

I hissed as the rough gloves brushed my brutalised knuckles; apparently hitting things repeatedly left your fists raw and bruised. Who would have guessed? For some weird reason the vullenaries didn't go as far as my hands, either.

"That is not good enough," Lucina insisted, her hand dropping to her sword. "You will answer me directly. Now."

I rolled my eyes, recalling that I was speaking to yet another member of the nobility. Deciding that, with her knowledge of time-travel this wouldn't be too hard for her to swallow, I opted for total disclosure.

"You're from the future, yeah?" I asked, to which Lucina woodenly nodded. "Well, I'm apparently from a different world altogether."

I waited to see how she handled that information, however she scoffed and crossed her arms.

"Preposterous," she said.

"How is that weirder than traveling back in time?" I asked with a shrug. "Believe me or don't, I don't really care. But I have a sneaking suspicion that the only way for me to get home is through Grima."

Obviously this had startled Lucina, as she sucked a quick breath in and dropped her arms.

"How do you…?"

"I already told you," I groaned. "I know everything. Now, do me a favour and go to Regna Ferox. Beat Lon'qu, become Basilio's champion for Western Regna Ferox in the tournament."

Lucina quirked her head in much the same way her father had.

"What? Why would I do that?" she asked, confused.

"Trust me," I assured her. "There's an order to these things. Just go do it and things will work out fine."

"How do I know that you're not simply trying to get me away from my Father's side to murder him yourself?" she asked suspiciously.

"Because without him I'm not getting home!" I snapped, my temper getting the better of me.

It had been a long day; I'd killed at least three people, been stabbed, chopped and beaten; not to mention I hadn't slept yet and the fact that the vulenary I'd just drank didn't seem to be working on my fists very fast…

Apparently I hadn't yet decided if I was going to stay here, either.

Lucina reeled from my abrupt change in tone, surprised by the viciousness of my voice.

"Sorry," I mumbled, running a hand over my bald head. "It's… been a long day."

Lucina nodded, looking around before reaching up and taking off her mask.

"I… understand," she said, looking at me with piercing blue eyes. "But I do not know if I can trust you."

"I need you," I said openly, without preamble. "Without you or your father, I'm not getting home and this, all of this, falls to pieces. Trust me, please."

Lucina's eyes widened a little at my plea, but she nodded.

"I sense no malicious intent in your words," she said after a moment. "But…"

"Tag along until Ylisstol if you want, then," I shrugged. "You're going to interfere with the timeline anyway, so you may as well come with us for a while."

She gave me a strange, penetrating look for a moment before placing her mask back on over her eyes and shaking her head.

"I will secretly shadow your group until you reach the Capital," she declared, her voice returning to the lower pitch of her Marth persona.

"Whatever," I sighed, giving up and turning to walk back to the others. "If you get hungry come find me. I'll share my rations with you, at the least."

Lucina nodded, watching as I brushed through the forest back towards the rest of the Shepherds. Hopefully I could get a few hours sleep in before we moved out… I was beat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**

 **I knew I'd be digging my own grave with this story, but that was** _ **not**_ **the reaction I was expecting… Fine. I'm nothing without my readers, and if it's zany-self-insert-exploits you all want, then that's what you'll all get.**

 **The funniest/most interesting part of a self-insert story is, to my mind, the initial sense of 'whoa what the hell'. Once that's gone, it kinda just gets… well, boring. I make no promises on how long I'll continue this story, or the continued quality of it. There are big time-skips in this chapter as I follow the advice of one of the reviews and focus on the key points of the game. Consider this more like 'Awakening: Abridged' than a retelling. With swearing and sex and bad jokes.**

 **I'm not satisfied with this chapter. I crammed a lot in here, so it feels rushed. But I wasn't satisfied with the previous one either, and now look where we are… I am, however, ridiculously happy with my description of Ylisstol. It turned out way too good to belong in this story… The next chapter's going to be dedicated almost wholly our intrepid insert-author meeting some of his favourite characters. Like Cordelia and Tharja. Whenever I get around to it. I really want to move onto the Future Past storyline in** _ **Future's End**_ **…**

 **The names of my 'friends' from IRL are the names of characters from a webcomic I'm working on; any likeness to any real people, alive or dead, is strictly coincidental. The stuff about my family is real, though.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every Thursday and NOW ON ITUNES! Look us up!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed.**

* * *

 **Part 2**

Looking up I marvelled at the sheer scale of Ylisstol, its beautiful white architecture and expansive urban sprawl stunning me into silence.

"Fuck me dead…" I muttered, eyes wide as I looked around.

Okay, so near silence.

It was like someone had taken the best parts of Ancient Roman, the English Gothic period and the French Renaissance and thrown them all into a blender. Beautiful marble arches and columns led up to sprawling cathedrals and the palace in the distance, while all around me the Renaissance-fair that Southtown had been was continued, villagers and city guards politely greeting the Shepherds as we walked. The city had clearly once been far smaller, two different tiers of walls separating the outer city slums, the inner city and the palace quarter. Chrom had explained this all to the wide-eyed gawker that was me as I marvelled up at the beautiful white stone walls inside the Outer City. Around us was cheaper buildings of timber and stone, but while this was considered Ylisstol's slum the roads were still paved, even if they were covered in horse shit. The Outer City was the way that old-timey London was always presented in movies or on TV. People were dirty, there was trash around, but it still had an air of order and nobility that I assumed came from being the capital city of the Halidom.

We were waved through to the Inner city through an arching gate that passed beneath the wall, smiling guards greeting Chrom and Lissa warmly before snapping to attention as Frederick passed. A few of the slum children had been tailing us, laughing and playing as they jostled to catch a glimpse of the Shepherds, and the let out a disappointed groan as their heroes passed out of their reach.

The Inner City practically sparkled in comparison to the Outer City, white plaster and marble covering every building. There were gardens interspersed throughout the buildings, and unlit lamp posts lined the streets. This area, also unlike the Outer City, was free of trash or horse shit on the roads. Clearly a lot of effort went to keeping it clean.

As we walked I scratched at my collar, irritated by the rough fabric of the shirt I'd been given. Untreated wool sucked ass as clothing; I wondered how people had ever lived this way. I glanced at Chrom and Lissa, studying their clothes. A rough cotton, maybe? I'd have to see about getting something higher quality than this shit I was wearing, anyway.

A thought rose unbidden to my mind as I watched the two royals, and with a wicked grin I simply couldn't contain myself. Robin was supposed to be ignorant of the fact that Chrom and Lissa were royalty. I was not.

"Everyone's so nice and respectful here," I remarked, coming alongside Chrom and Lissa. "It's like you two are royalty or something."

Lissa snorted, covering her mouth to stifle her giggles as Chrom grinned at me.

"I think you know very well who we are," the Prince laughed.

I shrugged, grinning.

"Milord, I make no apologies for my crude behaviour or foul language."

"I would not accept any such apologies anyway," Chrom said with a grin of his own. "I prefer people that speak their minds, as do my sisters."

"Ooh, sisters," I said, rubbing my hands together. "As in plural. Older, right? If she's as cute as Lissa but actually in my age bracket then count me way the fuck in!"

The blonde girl beside me spluttered, going bright red at being so out-rightly complimented as Chrom burst into laughter. I could almost feel Frederick's glare burning a hole in my coat, but Sully was guffawing along with Chrom, and even Virion was chuckling, so I assumed I was safe. Virion was even looking at me like I was a kindred spirit, so at least if I pushed Frederick until he snapped I'd have one meat shield.

"Please don't teach my sister any swear words," Chrom laughed. "She is the Exalt. It was bad enough you did it to Lissa."

"Oh, I have yet to begin to corrupt your sister," I warned. "By the time I'm through with her she'll make Sully look like a nun."

"I'd pay money to see that!" the red-armoured knight laughed, slapping me hard on the back.

Chrom shook his head, laughing as he continued to lead us towards the Palace. I gave Lissa a quick glance out of the corner of my eye, and chuckled a little as I realised she was still blushing and looking down.

"So what's training like where you're from?" Sully asked, snaring my attention back as we continued to walk.

* * *

The inside of the palace was even more opulent than the game made it out to be. Which, considering the ruler of a nation lived and worked there, wasn't all that surprising in hindsight. However it still made me feel utterly ridiculous in my peasant-clothes.

"Why am I here again?" I asked under my breath.

Chrom chuckled as we followed Frederick, Lissa still hot on our heels. Sully and Virion had both retired to the barracks, the knight promising to fix me up a training regime to 'make a real man outta' me', and I believed her. In fact, I looked forward to it. If I would have to fight, I was gonna need it. Virion was preparing the first aid kit, too, which was a nice touch. Confidence inspiring, that.

"If you are, in fact, the first man we have met from a foreign country previously unheard of then it is only right we greet you formally," Chrom explained.

"I don't know how good an idea that is," I cautioned. "I'm hardly the 'meeting royalty' level of important. I'm a nobody, dude. I mean, my family might have been important once, but… I give you fair warning now, I will fuck this up."

"Its fine," Lissa said energetically. "Emm's really nice! You'll love her, you'll see!"

"I believe you when you say you are from 'Australia'," Chrom went on. "My sister will, as well, and we can go about figuring out how to get you home."

I nodded silently, internally conflicted. I still really didn't know if I wanted to go home or not. I was pretty sure the only way to actually get home was via Naga, which meant hanging around for three or four years. By then I'd almost be thirty, and… aw, I made myself sad.

But, if I were to stay that raised a whole lot of other questions. Like the evil-time-travelling version of Robin that followed Lucina. Was it an evil-time-travelling version of me this time?

And, more importantly, did I risk making things a whole fuckload worse by altering the timeline?

I could be a hero if I saved Emmeryn. I could indebt myself to House Ylisse to the point they'd give me a boat and crew and let me sail south to see if Australia really existed if I asked. Or let me marry one of the Royal Daughters, if I so chose.

But what if, in doing so, I made things worse? The way Awakening was, the way the story played out, I knew there was a happy ending. I knew we'd go on to beat Grima, and everyone lived happily ever after. Well, almost everyone.

Why fuck with a sure thing?

Before I did anything else I'd need to consult Lucina about her future. Specifically, I needed to get the details on who wound up with who; if I wanted to play the game properly I needed to ensure we had the full roster, and I wasn't going to jeopardize not getting one of the child-characters just to get my dick wet.

My attention snapped back to reality as I almost walked into Frederick's armoured back, Chrom snickering at me from my side.

"Welcome back," he muttered to me. "We lost you for a good ten minutes there."

"How big is your fucking house that it takes ten minutes to walk through it?" I whispered back to him.

We both chuckled under our breath, earning a glare from Frederick over one armoured shoulder. First impressions be damned, Chrom was seriously starting to grow on me. He was a total bro, the kind that could take a joke about you banging his sisters. A very rare kind of man, indeed.

I straightened my coat's collar as Chrom cleared his throat, flashing a guilty grin at the knight as Emmeryn made her grand entrance.

Well, I say grand entrance, but all she did was walk into the room. But it was grand in the way that she drew every eye in the room. All six of them.

And. She. Was. Smokin'.

I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped. She walked up to Chrom and gave him a sisterly hug, and all I can remember thinking was _'you lucky mother-fucker'._ I mean, I'm hardly one to be left breathless by beautiful women; especially considering how high-maintenance hot girls could be in my experience. But… something about the grace and poise she possessed, and the infinite kindness in her eyes as she looked at me and smiled…

I think her smile damn near gave me an asthma attack then and there.

"Greetings," she said, giving me a polite nod. "My name is Emmeryn. I do not believe we have been introduced."

"Ah, shit, I mean-fuck-no, ah… crap-fuck…" I muttered, tripping over my tongue and making an arse out of myself in front of the freaking Exalt.

"My name is Ben, my lady," I said, clearing my throat and pointedly ignoring the tears of laughter Chrom was wiping off his face.

"I see," she chuckled, holding out a hand.

 _Am I supposed to kiss this thing or shake it?_ I wondered, reaching out.

My question was answered when Emmeryn took my hand in hers, gently shaking it a few times before releasing me. Her touch made me shiver, in a good way.

"Emm, Ben is from a… new country to the south," Chrom supplied, clearly struggling against his laughter. "He… he fought beside us against the bandits that attacked Southtown, and… and…"

The Prince's decorum shattered as he began to howl with laughter again, making Frederick sigh and roll his eyes. Behind me I could hear Lissa laughing just as loud.

I have never hated anyone more than I hated those two at that moment.

* * *

I let out a contented sigh as I stretched my arms above my head, my breath misting in front of my face as I walked at the head of a small column of Shepherds with Chrom.

"Somebody seems to be happy," he said grumpily, huddling under his cloak from the cold.

We had made it to Regna Ferox a few days before, and against the Feroxi wall guards my non-lethal fighting style had actually come in handy. Funnily enough one thing not brought up in the game was travel time. Holy crap, my ass was so toned from walking by this point it wasn't funny, and I was pretty sure I was already beginning to lose the extra meat on my bones. We'd been walking for two weeks at this point, and apparently still had a few days to go yet.

"I love the snow," I said happily. "I love the cold. It never snowed where I'm from, so this is great!"

 _Plus_ , I added mentally, _I'm literally covered in hair. This is the climate I'm built for._

Behind us Lissa gave a cute little sneeze, shivering as she huddled beneath her cloak as well as mine. I was still wearing my black coat, but I'd felt mercy for the dainty little thing and given her my cloak, as well as a few snide comments involving the word 'delicate'.

Things had been going exactly game-scriptly lately, so there was really nothing to worry about. Vaike and Miriel had shown up just after Stahl, we'd gone through the Risen and the Feroxi guards with absolutely no problems, and now Raimi was leading us along the road to Regna Ferox's Arena, a squad of Wall-Guards joining us as an Honour Guard.

The harsh-looking blonde woman let out a barking laugh, glancing at me over her massive shoulder-armour-things and grinning.

"If you like snow you're in the right place," she said. "But trust me when I say that the novelty wears off fast."

I shrugged, flashing her a grin of my own. I had to admit, I'd taken a shining to the Feroxi woman. The Feroxi race as a whole, really. They and I just… meshed. They were loud, crude and liked to drink and fight and swear. I was pretty sure I'd heard Frederick comparing me to them at one point, but… well, like I said, the Feroxi like to drink, and when in Rome…

"Yeah, hopefully by the time it wears off we have an alliance and are marching towards Plegia," I shrugged nonchalantly.

There was muttered assent behind me from some of the closer Shepherds, Chrom nodding as well. Raimi gave me a strange look before offering me an even stranger grin and turning back to the road.

"Personally, I too would welcome a… closer union between our nations," she said, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye.

 _She wants the 'D',_ I thought to myself, before shaking my head.

Yeah right. Like women ever thought that way about me. Ever.

With a little sigh I decided to think on happier topics and leaned my head back, resting my hands behind my head as I walked.

I'd managed to become the Shepherds Tactician after it appeared there was no way for me to get home. It was as simple as that. The plan was, at this point, play the game and get to the end and see what happened.

But I still had a bunch of other questions, ones I would need to talk to Lucina about. Fortunately the blue-haired woman was waiting for me in the Arena; I just had to catch her before she fucked off after Chrom beats her.

In the end I had decided against trying to change things. It could make things better; the game could progress faster, there would be a lot less bloodshed, and all-around things would be good. But what if, in doing so, I majorly screwed the pooch? I wasn't about to take that chance; I was willing to _maybe_ mess some things up by getting laid, not undo the entire future fucking around with the past.

Like I had said to Lucina, there's an order to these things. Who's to say that changing them would make things better? At least, knowing what I did, I could ensure that the plot played out the way it was supposed to.

Shame, though; Emmeryn was pretty hot. Phila, too, in that 'noble older lady' way.

Left alone with my perversion for the rest of the day I didn't even realize we'd made camp until I was already standing in the mess-line, Stahl smiling as he handed me a bowl of stew.

Even if I didn't get laid, the food was still pretty damn good.

* * *

A few days later I tapped my foot impatiently against the stone floor of the Arena, watching Chrom and Lucina-Marth duelling. Frederick, Sully and Stahl had made short work of the extra enemies that Basilio had fielded with Lucina, leaving me to stand rear-guard over Lissa with Kellam. I hadn't even fielded Vaike or Miriel. I was working on getting those two to make a little baby Laurent, which meant they needed to spend time together alone.

Lissa leapt around like a manic cat, cheering as her brother duelled his own time-travelling daughter. The thought brought a smile to my face.

Then, just as I sighed at the prospect of the duel taking for-freaking-ever, Chrom landed a solid hit and Lucina-Marth went down.

The sound of the Arena's crowd cheering was deafening as I strode forward, Lissa on my heels. Chrom gave me a questioning look as I walked past him, the sound of the crowd too great for speech at that point, and grabbed Lucina-Marth by the arm, dragging her off the Arena floor the way she had dragged me through the forest. The knights gave me some funny looks as we passed them, but I shrugged and grinned.

Once we were off the arena I released Lucina, and she sagged against the wall, holding her side. Chrom had clearly gone all out against her; there was blood running all the way down her leg from a nasty gash in her ribs, one that, I thought with a little chuckle feeling the fresh scar under my own clothes, looked oddly familiar.

"Here," I said, offering her a vulenary.

I had started carrying around a full inventory of the little magic potions after it appeared they were the only things that could keep my asthma in check; I had dozens in my bag, though, so losing one wouldn't hurt.

Lucina nodded gratefully, upending the vial and downing all three charges in one go.

"Why are you here?" she asked suspiciously.

"Information," I shrugged. "Yes, I know you want to disappear now. Go ahead, we can walk and talk."

She gave me an inscrutable look from behind her mask before nodding and motioning me follow her.

"You clearly have much knowledge of future events," she said as we walked. "What could I possibly tell you?"

"I have a vague idea," I admitted. "I know what's going to happen, but I lack details. Like… marriages. Children. I know a bunch came back with you; I need to know who whose parents are; who shacks-up with who in your past."

"I beg your pardon?" Lucina deadpanned, coming to a complete stop. "Why is that important?"

"I'm thinking of banging Tharja, hopefully soon... Do you know if she hooked up with anyone in the future? Know anyone named Noire?" I asked, not even bothering to choose my words at that point.

Lucina's mouth worked up and down, eyes clearly wide behind her mask and blushing darkly, probably from a mixture of embarrassment and rage, as I smirked at her.

"I'm kidding," I laughed. "Kinda. I want to get the drop on pairing people off. I'm playing cupid here."

"You are a pig," Lucina snapped, spinning on her heel and marching off.

"Yes, but a well-meaning pig trying to make people happy," I countered, hurrying after her. "But I have an actual important question now. Does the name 'Robin' mean anything to you? Or Reflet, or Daraen, or… blast, what else was he localized as? Whatever, Robin. Ever heard of a tactician named Robin?"

Lucina stopped again, swaying slightly and putting a hand to the side of her head.

"Y-yes…" she mumbled. "I mean… no. I… what?"

"Okay, let's try that again," I sighed. "Am I in your future?"

Lucina spun, a look of panic clearly writ on her face.

"I do not… remember," she admitted, her voice slightly shrill.

* * *

I sighed, looking into my cup and wracking my brain and ignoring the celebrations going on around me.

It appeared, for all intents and purposes, that just by being here I had already fucked things up.

Lucina had been able to give me a few pairings, but that was it. Her mind was scrambled, either by the time-travel itself or by my irregular presence I couldn't say. All she knew was that Sully and Frederick shacked up, Sumia was her mother (CHROMxSUMIA OTP!), and Vaike and Miriel were a thing. That was it. She still remembered the important events of her future like the assassination attempts, and that all of the Shepherds had been present at the least, but everything else was a blank…

"What is this, the sad-sack corner!?" Flavia asked in a booming voice as she suddenly loomed over me. "I mean, him I can understand, but you were on my side!"

I glanced over my shoulder to Lon'qu sitting and glowering up at the woman from behind me, before shrugging and standing. The swordsman was pretty chill, and his quiet presence had let me think while avoiding looking anti-social at the party. We got along pretty well too, even if all he wanted to know about were my martial arts. Apparently they were spot on for Chon'sin's hand to hand combat. Who'd a thought it? It least I knew that my paltry Japanese would come in handy here. Two years from now…

In one swift motion I downed the rest of my cup of ale and grinned at the boisterous Khan.

"This watery swill really the best stuff you got?" I asked her. "I thought you were supposed to be a Khan! You're holding out on us!?"

The older woman whooped and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, leading me towards where the other Shepherds were sitting, standing or slouching around drinking and eating.

"You I like," she practically shouted. "Tonight, you and I drink the good stuff!"

Chrom glanced up, his face a rosy tint as he held his cup up in a welcoming toast.

"Ben! Join us!" he called, unnecessarily loud considering I was only a few feet away.

Lissa burst into a fit of giggles as Flavia finally released me, off to get whatever strong stuff she could find. Sully, Stahl and Vaike were already knee-deep in a drinking contest, Miriel looking at her own cup with the kind of concentration and slack-face that only being plastered could bring. She glanced up at me, her eyes unfocussed behind her slightly-askew glasses as she hiccupped and went back to studying her cup.

"Behave yourself, Lon'qu!" I called over my shoulder as Flavia reappeared, thrusting a new cup into my hands. "Benny's got a date with a keg and a crazy-Khan! Let's drink this mother-fucker dry!"

The loud cheer that went up after my declaration only got louder after I drained my entire cup in one go, regretting it as something akin to brandy or whiskey burned its way down my throat.

"Fuckin' smooth," I groaned, holding my cup out to an ecstatic Flavia. "Raise 'em and sink 'em and let's have another!"

* * *

I let out a low groan, rising slowly off my face.

My first thought was that, once again, I was ridiculously hung-over.

As I let myself fall back into my pillow, not even caring for the moment where I was, I tried to piece last night back together.

The victory celebrations had gone late into the night. Everyone, save perhaps Frederick and Lon'qu, had gotten shit-faced. Lissa had been adorable. I think… I might have attempted to braid her hair in the latter half of the night? And did I really… hit on Sully? Oh fuck I hoped I hadn't raised any flags. I think I remember… arm-wrestling with Vaike? And talking science with Miriel, trying to explain to her what 'Myth-Busters' was…

Fuck it, I didn't care at that point.

"Oh my aching fucking head…" I groaned, rolling over onto my side into a foetal position.

And feeling a cold breeze near my nether regions.

I glanced down, realizing that I was buck-ass naked.

"Well, fuck," I groaned, covering myself properly with the blanket.

I almost jumped out of my skin when someone threw their arm over my chest from behind me.

"Will you please shut up for five more minutes," Raimi groaned, burying her face in my back.

And pressing her boobs into my back. And wrapping her naked legs around mine. And… and…

It didn't take a genius to figure out what we'd done last night. In fact, I think I vaguely remember being led to her room…

"Did the others say when we were leaving?" I asked, rolling over in her lazy embrace to face the top of her head.

"Mrf…" Raimi groaned, cracking one eye at me. "I don't think that your Prince is going to be in any shape to travel until after lunch… Ylisseans are lightweights… not like you, though. I'll admit to being impressed."

I grinned a little, deciding that in this position I had absolutely nothing to lose by trying.

"Good," I said, running my hand suggestively down Raimi's toned side, hangover completely forgotten. "I don't quite remember last night. And I'd really like to. Up for another few rounds?"

She shuddered a little as my hand found her rear, letting out a heated breath and grinning at me. I then found myself being forced onto my back and mounted, and I'll leave the rest to your imaginations. Needless to say it was the best fucking morning I had ever had.

Pun intended.

As Raimi rode me like a cheap bicycle I decided that I could ensure that the future came to pass properly on my own if I had to. I knew the plot, didn't I? That meant that Lucina could relax and keep trying to do things her way, and I could… could…

 _Dammit, Ben, focus!_ I told myself, becoming entranced by the hypnotic bouncing of boobs less than a foot from my face. _You're missing all the fun! Big metaphysical problems later, now is the time to get your fuck on!_

* * *

"Dude, I am never fucking going home," I said to Chrom that afternoon as we walked down the steps from the Arena.

"Something good happen last night?" he asked, his voice flat as he was still clearly hung-over.

"Fuck the hell yes, man," I said, smiling so much I was afraid my head would pop off.

"Ow! Not so loud!" Lissa groaned from Chrom's other side, clutching her head. "My head is killing me!"

"Yes, that's your body's way of telling you that you drank too much," I said cheerily.

"Why do people poison themselves like this?" Lissa moaned piteously, clinging to Chrom's arm to stay up.

"A great philosopher in my country once said 'because there are things inside people they want to kill'," I said sagely.

"Urgh, no," the Prince groaned. "I can barely walk myself. Ben, you hold her up."

Lissa moaned a little as she was passed off to me, grabbing hold of my arm to steady herself.

"How is it you're not like the rest of us?" she asked, shielding her eyes from the sun.

I shrugged, grinning like a bastard.

"Vigorous exercise after drinking can make you feel a whole lot better. I did a pretty… brutal workout this morning. My abs are killing me, though."

"I didn't see a training ground, though…" Chrom mumbled.

"Yeah, Raimi showed me her… private training area," I grinned, winking at Chrom.

Comprehension dawned on the Prince's face and he chuckled a little, shaking his head.

"Well, at least you're furthering our diplomatic relationship," he sighed.

Lissa, however, was utterly, innocently clueless.

"Wow, her own training area?" the Princess mumbled into my arm. "I didn't think she was so important…"

"Yeah, let's go with that," I laughed. "Man, I can't wait to…"

I let out a low laugh, my mood instantly sobering as I let out a sigh.

"What?" Lissa asked, glancing up at me.

"I was gonna say 'tell my friend Mel about this', but…" I trailed off. "I don't really see that happening any time soon."

* * *

I sighed, elbows resting on my knees as I leaned forward, looking at the grass. I sat on one of the stone benches in Ylisstol's palace gardens, seeking some solitude as I tried to organize my thoughts.

Mostly, though, I was miserable with homesickness and wanted to be left alone.

It had hit me like a ton of bricks in Regna Ferox, and now I couldn't shake it.

I wondered if Ash was still holding onto my keys, waiting for me to come get them. I wondered if Mel was still waiting for me to return her copy of Halo Wars. I wondered if Matt had gone ahead and gotten that tattoo. I wondered if my brother had found someone else to record our podcast with him, or if he was just soldiering on alone. I wondered what my parents thought about my unexplained absence.

I missed the internet. I missed clothes that weren't itchy. And I really missed indoor plumbing.

It had been fun at first, being stuck here. A world of swords and sorcery and ridiculously hot women everywhere I looked.

But… It wasn't home.

I shook my head, reminding myself why I'd been happy to be here in the first place. I had needed a fresh start something chronic. I was free of my debt here. I had a job, even if it was dangerous. And I still had my pick of Fire Emblem waifu, if I could just raise the right flags.

So why was I still so fixated on going home to an empty apartment and a life of comparative misery?

"The grass is always greener, huh?" I muttered out loud without thinking.

I shook my head, slapping my cheeks to motivate myself. In the end, I was here, not there. Here, I needed to train. Here, I needed to be stronger.

I had three years to make up my mind if I was staying or leaving.

And I had a lot to do in that time.

A sudden laugh made me freeze like a deer in headlights; not a cruel laugh at my expense, but a warm one that made me feel at ease.

Which, of course, just made me feel worse.

Emmeryn smiled at me as she crossed the lawn to where I was standing, clad in the silken gowns of cream and beige that she often wore around the palace when she wasn't presenting herself.

"I am glad to see that you accepted my brother's invitation to make use of our home," she said to me warmly. "I saw you looking stricken and had thought to offer my comfort, but I am glad to see it was unnecessary concern."

I nodded woodenly, plastering a fake smile on my face. I had been trying really hard to avoid Emmeryn. Not just because she was the ruler of the kingdom, and ridiculously hot, but because…

 _Because I'm going to have to let you die_.

"Yup, fighting fit," I declared with more enthusiasm that was strictly called for, clapping my hands and rubbing them together. "Just about to go and train so I can kick some serious ass when the time comes."

Emmeryn chuckled a little, her smile fading a little.

"Let us hope that it won't come to that," she said, her voice soft.

 _But it will._

"Ah, I'm sure you got this," I said flippantly, hating myself at the same time.

Emmeryn gave me a blank look before smiling and chuckling.

"I assume that means you have confidence in me?" she asked, lowering herself onto the bench.

She looked up at me expectantly and I let out a little sigh before sinking down next to her.

"Yes, your Grace. I apologize for my… ineloquence," I said. "My family… we aren't exactly upper-class. We were once, but that… was a long time ago."

"Chrom tells me you said something similar once," Emmeryn said. "As you were being led into the palace, to meet with me."

I scoffed, running a hand over my bald head. Shaving with a straight-razor sucks. Fortunately, Virion's a great teacher.

"Yeah, nothing gets by you guys," he laughed. "How are things going in the peace talks, anyway?"

"That was not very subtle," the Exalt laughed.

"Wasn't meant to be," I shrugged.

Emmeryn nodded and let out a sigh of her own, sagging a little. It dawned on me how tired she looked; more than that, how human she looked. Here sat a woman pushed to the brink trying to stop a war from happening, and I was literally sitting back and watching her fail miserably.

"We have agreed to a peace summit on the border," she said, her voice tired now. "Just King Gangrel, myself and our respective honour guards."

"Yeah, I'll bet Chrom's gonna love that," I grinned.

Emmeryn let out a little laugh.

"I would appreciate it if you helped me tell him," he said.

I shrugged, nodding. Emmeryn smiled, folding her hands in her lap and letting out a breath. In reality she wasn't much older than me; a year or two at the most. But it was like there were decades between us. Here sat a monarch, who had led a prosperous, peaceful nation for the entirety of her adult life while I had dicked around, getting fired and drunk and high and going to metal concerts and…

I sprung to my feet.

"Fuck this pity-party," I growled, looking down at a shocked Emmeryn. "C'mon, lets go blow some steam off."

* * *

Emmeryn let out a very girlish giggle as I fell backwards, miraculously not spilling the contents of my cup in the process.

I had led her first to the kitchens, where we had used her Exalt-authority to procure three bottles of the finest wine, before bringing her to the top of one of the towers in the palace that was usually only used for storage.

That had been two hours and two bottles ago.

I had to say, they must ferment the fuck out of their grapes, because it was like drinking that… weird fermented wine liqueur stuff. I couldn't remember the name of it. I was drunk. And I had learned that Emmeryn was a giggler. But I was mostly drunk.

"Argh!" I shouted, springing back up. "No turtlin' yet! Still gotta whole bottle left!"

Emmeryn snorted, bursting into laugher. Her cheeks had taken on a rosy tint, and her carefully pinned hair was now dishevelled, random strands poking out thanks to her penchant for rocking back and forth when she laughed and throwing her head back to drain a glass.

"I must admit, this is indeed a good way to relieve tension," she laughed, her words slurring.

"Well, it was either this or training or fucking, and I promised Chrom I wouldn't bang his sisters," I admitted. "And I think Frederick would wring me like a wet towel if I raised a weapon at you. So, we drink."

I punctuated that statement by pouring us both another cup from the last bottle, Emmeryn giggling all the while like a… well, drunken Japanese schoolgirl I guess.

"I still can't believe you've never gotten pissed before," I slurred, carefully placing the bottle down on a nearby crate.

"Oh, I am no stranger to drink," she assured me, carefully sipping from her full cup with both hands. "We drink wine during cere… cera… rites to Naga on holy days. And of course I must drink at bank… bankew… fancy dinners when they toast to my health…"

I nodded as she took a deep drink from her cup.

"But it has honestly never been this fun before," she finished, smacking her lips as she enjoyed the wine.

"Drinking alone with a girl in a dark room…" I said, looking around. "Brings back memories."

"Oh?" Emmeryn asked curiously, looking up at me.

I shrugged, taking another big drink of my own.

"Yeah, it's how I met one of my last girlfriends," I shrugged. "Rabid bitch, she was. Only fun to be around when she was plastered."

My drinking buddy burst into laughter again, rocking back and forth and trying not to spill her own drink in the process.

"My, but you have led an interesting life," she said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Would that I had as many experiences as you."

"They weren't all… that great," I shrugged.

"But they were experiences," Emmeryn insisted, holding up a finger to shush me. "I have spent my life leading my people. And it was my duty. And I would not trade it for the world. But sometimes I wish I had the freedom to travel, even to see my own kingdom, like Chrom and Lissa do."

"Travelling sucks," I groaned. "At least for me, anyway. I've now gotten utterly lost on four different continents. That's pretty fuckin' 'pressive, right?"

"Indeed," Emmeryn laughed. "But they are experiences; memories. You have met people, drank with them, laughed with them, lived a life of adventure. I wish for that, some days, when the paperwork begins to pile high and the scent of the forest reaches my window."

"That was surprisingly poetic," I said with a grin, leaning back against the nearest crate.

"Instead I sit here, ruling my people and fending off suitors seeking to advance their own family's standing in my kingdom," she went on, her tone becoming bitter. "And not just men seeking my hand, but Lissa's too! She is only now of age, and I have been declining offers for years! How disgusting are some men!"

"Real pigs," I yawned.

Emmeryn let out a great sigh, draining her cup and reaching for the bottle again.

"Were that more men were like you or my brother," she said in a smaller voice.

I frowned as Emmeryn settled against the crate next to me, our shoulders touching as she cradled her drink.

I wilted guiltily, my drunken mind cursing me a coward for not trying to change anything in this world, even though I had the potential to.

"I'm not quite as great as you and everyone else seem to think I am, Emmeryn," I admitted, looking away.

She waved my comment away, shaking her head vehemently and dislodging more of her perfect hair. A soft and pleasing scent, of flowers and wine, reached me with her movements.

"I told you," she said with a hiccup. "Just call me Emm. And what are you then?"

I raised my eyebrow, looking down at the woman leaning against me.

"A beard with an idiot stuck to it?"

Emmeryn, Emm, snorted with laugher again before slapping me lightly on the chest.

"I am serious," she insisted when her giggles died down. "You are a stalwart warrior, and a core member of my beloved brother's Shepherds. Your skill with your fists is beyond impressive, and Miriel even mentioned you taking an interest in magic!"

"That's just what I've done, not who I am," I sighed.

"They are the same thing," Emm insisted. "I know you. You are the kind of man that risks banishment or execution by kidnapping the Exalt for the afternoon just to go drinking so she can relax."

My eyebrow quirked at that, but I wound up shrugging the revelation off.

"Sure," I sighed, draining the last of my cup. "Or I could just be an ass-hole that likes drinking and hitting things and getting laid, and this is all just giving me the perfect opportunity to do those things while looking bad-ass stealing all my favourite movie quotes."

Emm shook her head against my shoulder, letting out a great yawn.

"I know you, Ben," she mumbled, closing her eyes and resting against me with a small smile on her lips.

I fidgeted uncomfortably, but decided to let the poor woman rest. She needed the break. If… if this was to be her last hurrah, and I knew for a fact it very well could be, then the least I could do was play pillow for her.

Not that it was unpleasant. She was soft and warm, and if I were honest the way that one of her breasts tickled my arm with every movement she… made…

I beat my head into the crate behind me, clenching my teeth.

"I'm so fucked up…" I whispered to myself, softly beating my head against the crate behind me again.

* * *

I let out a low groan as I tromped up the dusty hill next to Chrom, the two of us at the head of the Shepherds as we followed Emmeryn and Phila to where they were supposedly meeting with Gangrel, and where we would find Maribelle and Ricken.

 _This. Is. A. Trap,_ I felt like screaming, but held my tongue. I had committed to letting events take their course, so as much as it pained me I wasn't about to interfere now.

"Sully!" I called over my shoulder instead.

Chrom gave me a questioning look as I motioned the red-armoured woman over from where she was respectfully leading her horse by the reins behind us. All the mounted Shepherds were leading their mounts; if Emmeryn walked, they walked.

"Stay close," I said. "I got a bad feeling about this. And I can't believe I just said such a tired stereotype with a straight face…"

The woman nodded silently, eyes scanning our surroundings like a hawk in an instant. She may have been crude, but she was a properly trained knight, I'd give her that much. Chrom nodded at my warning, making a subtle hand gesture to Frederick. The big knight nodded his understanding and hung back, slowly lagging behind the Shepherds.

We silently reached the meeting place at the border, just outside of an abandoned old fort that had once had Ylissean troops stationed in it during the previous war according to Chrom. Beside me Sully's hand clenched nervously at her horse's reigns, the woman clearly uncomfortably off of her mount.

"Be ready to move on my signal," I whispered to her.

The red-headed woman nodded, eyes narrowing slightly. Emm turned to frown at me, though.

"Do not be so hasty to believe that peace will not be found, Ben," she said.

"Si vis pacem, para bellum," I shot back.

When the Exalt quirked her head at my Latin I shrugged.

"It's an old, old saying from my homeland," I explained. "It means 'if you want peace, prepare for war'."

Before she could fire back at me, a clearly displeased look on her face, Chrom interjected, forcing our attention elsewhere.

"They're here," the Prince stated, saving me from a verbal ass-kicking.

Emmeryn and Phila stepped forward, Sully chuckling softly at my side as the Plegian delegation came into view.

"I'm going to have to remember that line," she whispered to me. "I like it."

"Yeah? Good," I grinned back to her. "It's nice to know someone here gets me."

"I… don't see Gangrel," Chrom pointed out.

"He's up there," I sighed, pointing to the cliffs above the fort.

Everyone looked up, just as Gangrel made his appearance above us with Aversa at his side. He stopped, thrown off a little in the face of having his grand entrance ruined, but he recovered quickly.

"What's this?" he sneered down at us. "If it isn't the Exalt herself, in all her radiance!"

"I don't like him," I muttered to Sully, who smirked in response.

The conversation played out exactly as it did in the game, ending exactly the same way with Maribelle being held hostage. Meaning that Ricken would swoop in, and I could enact my plans. Soldiers would come from over the rise soon, meaning we would have to act fast and…

"This is an act of war!" Chrom warned the foreign king, snapping me back out of my planning.

"Then it is to be war!" Gangrel announced, throwing his arms wide.

Just like clockwork, Ricken swooped in with his wind magic and freed Maribelle, the two of them tumbling down the small drop closer to where we were. I jostled Sully, the knight needing no further urging into her saddle.

"Chrom, do exactly what I told you!" I shouted as I climbed up behind Sully. "Meet Frederick as he comes in from the west! Push up to the top of the cliffs! I'll take care of those two! Sully, go!"

"Yahh!" Sully shouted, urging her mount forward up the steep cliff path.

Chrom goggled at us for a moment before snapping into commander mode, marshalling the others.

"You heard the plan!" he shouted. "Shepherds, form up! Prepare to take the cliffs!"

I had decided to leave who did what up to Chrom's discretion. However, having Frederick the brick-shithouse go around the west, near the village, was a tactic that had always worked for me in the game. Why fuck with a sure thing? I was only rushing ahead because I didn't want anything to happen to my second healer…

Sully's horse ate up the distance quickly, easily beating the Plegians to where Ricken and Maribelle had their backs to the cliff above where we had deployed.

"Sully, get back to the others before the Plegians cut you off," I said, jumping down from behind her.

Of course, I had no idea how to do that, and landed flat on my face in the dirt.

"Are… are you sure?" she asked, trying to stifle her laughter.

"Just go!" I barked, pressing gingerly at my bruised nose.

The knight burst into laughter as she wheeled her mount around, leaving me alone with Ricken and Maribelle.

"You're the… the tactician!" Ricken said as I approached, his high voice squeaky in fear. "Maribelle's twisted her ankle and…"

"Yeah, yeah, kid, I'm on it," I sighed, reaching into my pouch. "Just stay behind me and use your magic on the mage."

I pulled a vulenary out before tossing the rest to Maribelle, who was sitting on the ground glaring up at me. It had always irked me in the game, the question of 'who heals the healer?'.

"Drink one of those, and stay behind me," I told her, drinking a third of my vulenary as a pre-emptive measure against my asthma. "The others will be here soon. I hope."

"That I would be saved by a base-born oaf such as you…" she muttered, fishing a vial of her own out of my bag.

She stopped, stunned as she pulled a mend staff out of my bag. Looking up at me the question was clear on her face.

"Thought you might want that. And haven't you heard?" I asked over my shoulder. "Where I'm from my family were Knights once. So shelf the shitty attitude, missy. You and I are in the same social circle."

Maribelle's sour look at being compared to me made me grin, but I had no time to dwell on it as the first of the Plegian soldiers started charging at us.

Two men, a dark mage and an axeman, came at us from the direction of the fort. I rolled out my neck, Ricken visibly shaking as he flipped through his spellbook.

"Kid," I said, grabbing his attention and acting as calm as I could. "I need you to take down that mage, okay?"

Ricken nodded, his hat swaying with the jerky movement.

I gave him a pat on the shoulder before striding out to meet the axeman, pulling my gloves tight on my hands. I'd made a few adjustments since we'd been in Ylisstol, and now there were mean bands of steel across my knuckles and plates on the back of my hand, going up my wrist to my elbow. Of course, I'd carefully padded the insides, too, and my hands were thickly wrapped in gauze for protection. They were probably closer to gauntlets now, actually, and they were a lot heavier. But with these…

With these I could inflict some damage.

There was a loud whoosh above me, followed by a crackle as Ricken and the mage started throwing spells at each other. The axeman roared at me, charging heedlessly forward with his weapon held high as I calmly walked towards him.

When he got closer I stopped, sliding one foot back and catching his amateurish blow on the back of my left hand, letting it slide harmlessly off the plates on my arm and brining my knee up into his balls as momentum carried him forward. He doubled over, and I grabbed the man by the hair, forcing his face into my knee. As he stumbled back I spun, delivering a roundhouse kick to his stomach and knocking him flat.

 _Chuck Norris, eat your heart out,_ I thought with satisfaction.

Clearly all the time I'd spent training with Sully and Vaike had amounted to something; he hadn't even gotten a hit in. In the distance I heard a shout and smelled burning, the Dark Mage's robes catching fire thanks to one of Ricken's spells. The other man flailed about until a wind spell sliced him nearly in half, the enemy mage dead before he hit the ground.

The axeman coughed, glaring up at me. With quick movements I kicked his axe away and stomped down on his neck, crushing his windpipe. I turned, leaving him gasping on the ground to die and walked back to where Ricken and Maribelle were waiting for me.

A myrmidon was sprinting down from up north, but a little way away I could already see Frederick barrelling into the enemy forces coming from above. Chrom was leading the Shepherds up, too, Vaike and Kellam flanking him as he personally led the charge.

I could deal with one more guy.

"Ricken, keep an eye on Maribelle," I said, moving to intercept the myrmidon. "This guy's mine."

The diminutive mage nodded, eyes wide as I walked by him.

The man skidded to a stop as I stepped up to him, holding his sword out at me. I stepped back into the same stance I had used on the axeman, motioning the myrmidon to attack, Bruce Lee style.

"C'mon, bro, I haven't got all day here," I said to him with a cocky grin.

The Plegian snorted, clearly not amused by my confidence. He struck high as I back-stepped, choosing to dodge rather than try to block a quicker weapon like a sword. I took three steps back, one for each swing, and on his third swing I stepped in, ducking low and catching his sword hands. He gave a startled yelp as I forced his guard up with my left hand, eyes widening.

"Ooh, so close," I said sympathetically.

Moments before I drove my gauntleted fist into his unarmoured stomach. He coughed, yanking his hands free and scoring a light hit on my chest as I hopped back, but I pressed forward again while he stumbled and brought my fist down hard on his collar-bone. There was a dull snapping sensation beneath my blow as his bone gave, and he dropped his sword. I laid him flat with a right straight, not even bothering with any fancy forms or anything, and followed the same steps I had taken with the axeman; I kicked his sword away before crushing his neck under my boot.

I let out a breath as I turned and walked back to where a wide-eyed Ricken and a sour-faced Maribelle were watching me. In the distance Chrom and Frederick were advancing up the hill; we'd simply move to support them now, joining from the rear. Chrom had already forced the Plegians back from the small fort, and was about to face off against the Boss anyway.

"That was… brutal," Ricken commented as I stopped in front of them.

"Unnecessarily so," Maribelle spat. "You claim to be of noble blood, yet your clear disregard for life is-"

"It's a war, princess," I snapped, shutting her up. "Get fuckin' used to it and fall in with the rest of the damn Shepherds. Both of you. We've still got work to do."

Maribelle glared at me, her knuckles visibly whitening on the shaft of the short staff in her hands before she 'hmphed' and turned her nose up at me, stomping off towards the rest of the Shepherds.

"Well, I thought you were cool," Ricken said, falling into step at my shoulder as we followed her.

I chuckled, grinning down at the kid.

"Thanks," I said. "I thought so, too."

 _I'll just leave the nerves and soul-crushing fear out, then, shall I?_ I thought to myself as we hurried to join the others.

* * *

 **AN: I would like to state that I'm** _ **not**_ **going all grim-dark with this; in fact, it's going to get even zanier, weirder, and more risqué in the coming chapters. Whenever they happen. So yeah, don't let this chapter fool you. This story is more** _ **Black Knight**_ **and** _ **Monty Python**_ **than** _ **Reign**_ **or** _ **Game of Thrones**_ **, never you lot worry. Just had to set some story stuff up, y'all know the drill.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**

 **Fuck it, let's get on to the good shit! Clearly I've read one-too-many Deadpool comics. Slightly shorter chapter this time, but I'm still grinning like a bastard as I write this, though.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every Thursday and NOW ON ITUNES! Look us up!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part 3**

I hummed a little to myself as I strolled around Ylisstol's gardens at night, the tune from Enter Sandman stuck unflinchingly in my head now that I couldn't actually listen to it.

"You seem to be in a better mood lately," Chrom remarked with a chuckle.

"Yup," I said simply, throwing my legs out with each step.

"I assume you have found one of my servants to keep your bed warm?" the Prince asked with a sideways glance.

I scoffed, quirking a brow at him.

"I may joke a lot about sex, but that doesn't mean I'm Virion," I pointed out. "Besides, I'm waiting for the right flags- I mean girl to present herself."

Chrom nodded, mollified and clearly happy to ignore my slip. After he found out about my little drinking session with Emm he'd been keeping a closer eye on me, trying to steer me away from his sisters and towards the servants instead. It was impressive how he still protected his sisters as a brother, yet tried to get me laid like a total bro at the same time. In a lot of ways he and Ash were pretty similar dudes.

I let out a contented sigh as we walked, stretching my arms above my head and starting to hum again.

There was no point in dwelling on things, I'd decided. No point in agonizing over what would be. I had read on Facebook once that 'there are some people that were only meant to be brief moments of happiness to our lives', and that's what I could rationalize Emm as being. She was a little pissed at me after my Latin-Punisher-quote, but that was okay. She had brought a brief moment of happiness to my life, and that was cool.

I was over being mopey. My friends might call me flighty back home, but I was well and truly sick of being down. What happened, happened, and I wasn't about to put my own future at risk trying to change events that were pre-ordained.

At least, that's how'd I'd been rationalizing my shitty tendency towards self-preservation at any cost, until I remembered two beautiful, glorious, vindicating words that I'm honestly surprised I'd forgotten.

Spot Pass.

Emmeryn came back at the end as a Spot Pass character! She didn't die! She just got… well, a little slow. But Chrom and Lissa would get her back, and I could go on with my plan totally guilt free! It was win-win! Of course, I didn't want to see Emm get hurt; why the fuck would anyone want that? But in the grand scheme of things her 'death' is necessary; it incites the Plegian surrender, it galvanizes Chrom, and it pisses off all the Ylisseans. As much as it killed me inside, I'd have to let Emmeryn take the plunge. At the very least I could still make it up to her later.

Which now left me with only one goal.

Raise as many flags as I could and stop just before the S-support so I could have my pick when the time came.

I had been hanging out in the gardens at night since we got back to Ylisstol, just waiting for the right story flags to be raised and wallowing in my newfound happiness. Usually I wound up sitting on my own, staring up at the stars from the grass or reading from the equivalent of 'magic for beginners' tomes I'd borrowed from Ricken. Lissa had joined me a few times, and so had a few of the other Shepherds. Sumia had as well, but I had gotten the feeling that she had been hoping to run into Chrom instead of me. I'd steered her in his direction, of course. My shipping was intensifying.

"Hey, check this out," I said excitedly, holding my hand out.

A few little golden arcs of electricity danced in my palm as I concentrated, holding my breath and scrunching up my face as I went through the incantation in my head. My concentration broke when Chrom started laughing, though, holding his sides as he doubled over.

"If your display of magical superiority doesn't frighten our enemies away, then that face surely will!" he roared with laughter, slapping me on the back a few times.

I grinned along with him, shoving my hands in my pockets. We'd been back in Ylisstol about two weeks now since adding Maribelle and Ricken to the Shepherds' roster; I'd sent Frederick out with Sully, Stahl and Maribelle to recruit Anna and Donnel almost as soon as we'd gotten back, sending the small mounted squad both north and south for each respective party member.

I had also toyed with the idea of sending someone to meet Laurent, but had decided against it. Like I said, there was an order to these things, and the mage had some desert-wandering to do before we picked him up.

Besides, a little solitude was good for the soul. It'd man him up a little.

Speaking of an order, I noticed that Chrom and I were drifting through the gardens towards a great big tree as he talked, pretty well from the game script and I fed him monosyllabic answers to keep him going. Inside I was giddy, excited at the prospect of moving the damn story along already. One thing they skip over in the game is the fact that there's actually pretty big fucking time gaps between levels. And the walking… I was going to get a horse, soon as I got paid.

…

When… was I going to get paid, anyway?

"So perhaps I must be death's agent. Emmeryn would never order him killed, nor would I wish her to." Chrom sighed, sagging a little and bringing me back to the present with a jolt.

Here it was! Time for the first cinematic!

"So become the grim-reaper if you have to," I shrugged. "You're the freaking Prince, bro. Who's going to argue with you and your big flamey-sword of justice? Gangrel's kind of a dick. Ooh! If it helps, you could think of yourself as less an extension of death and more like justice itself."

"Well spoken, sir," Lucina-Marth said, appearing from the shadows.

She quirked a brow when Chrom jumped and I didn't, offering her a little wave and a smile instead.

"Good evening to you," she said, nodding to Chrom and pointedly ignoring me.

She was probably still pissed about that whole 'banging Tharja' thing…

"Sup," I said.

"Marth?" Chrom asked, eyes narrowing slightly. "But… how did you get here?"

"The cleft in the castle wall," she said.

"The one behind the maple grove, right?" I asked, flashing a winning smile.

Both blue-haired royals looked at me in shock, and I shrugged, tapping my temple.

"Genius, remember? Don't worry Chrom, she's friendly. Oh, by the way; we're surrounded."

Lucina-Marth's mouth opened, but before she could berate me for stealing her thunder one of the assassins dashed out of the bushes, and I spun, planting my foot in his gut. Lucina rushed forward, burying her sword in his chest as I backed up and waited for the magic to happen. The second assassin dropped out of the tree, just like he was supposed to, but…

It was too early.

A feeling of dread settled into the pit of my stomach as I watched him fall, dagger first, towards Lucina.

"Marth, move!" I shouted, rushing forward.

She looked up and turned, the action probably saving her life as the assassin dropped on her, dragging his dagger down the side of her face and planting it in her chest. With a gasp she stumbled back into a very shocked Chrom, but before the assassin could press his advantage I had kicked his knees from behind, dropping him. With a vicious jerk in both directions just to be sure I broke his neck before tossing the corpse aside.

"Marth, you're… a woman," Chrom pointed out as he let her sit on the ground.

She nodded, grimacing as she clamped a hand to the wound near her collar bone.

"Y-yes, and quite the… actor to it would seem," she said weakly as I fished one of my ever-present vullenaries out for her.

She accepted the vial gratefully, pouring a little on her wound before drinking the rest. I let out a little sigh of relief when it appeared Lucina would be okay. This was exactly what I had been worried about; I fuck around a little and almost lose my number-two endgame tank! I'd have to limit my messing around to camp time, not battlefield time.

"That's two you owe me now," I said lightly.

I held my hand out, grinning down at her as she tested her healed shoulder by rotating the joint. She started a little when she spotted my hand, staring at it for a moment before accepting the appendage and letting me pull her up.

"Now, let's go and save the Exalt!" I said as heroically as possible.

"What?" Chrom asked in confusion, killing the mood instantly.

I sagged and sighed, glaring at him out of the corner of my eye.

"I'll explain later," I said. "Just… raise the alarm. We're under attack."

* * *

"Hey, hey-hey, and I went-ah! And I went on down that road, hey, hey-hey-ah! And weant! And I went on down that roa-oa-oad, I'm pain, I'm hope, I suffer! Hey, hey-hey-ey…"

I sang as I practically skipped along the mountain trail, Metallica still persistently stuck in my head even days later.

"How are you in such a good mood all the time?" Vaike asked me, giving me a funny look.

I shrugged, grinning a little as I continued to hum under my breath.

I'm sure my good mood had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my number two Awakening-waifu was due to make her entrance any day now.

Well, okay, maybe it had a little to do with that…

Things had gone down at the palace exactly the way I'd expected them too; we protected Emmeryn, and drove the assassins out, but I'd miscalculated and been on the wrong side of the royal apartments when Validar had charged, and missed my chance to question him. Oh well, it didn't worry me any. I'd just keep doing what I was doing. Things were going well so far. Anna and Donnel were along with us now, too, so all in all, things were progressing nicely.

I'd even chosen to fuck with the Hierarch a little, whispering in his ear "they know" just as we were setting out from the capital. Oh man, it was great watching him squirm. Schadenfreude, baby.

I'd chosen to march towards the rear that day, talking with Vaike and a couple of the others as we walked. It was nice, just chilling out like this, and I'm pretty sure my good mood was contagious, because after the first night everyone had chilled the fuck out in a big way; well, everyone except for the Hierarch, anyway. I think he was even more freaked out.

"It's like one big, long sugar rush…" Gaius commented from my other side.

"I think it's great!" Anna chirped. "It's a merchant's attitude!"

"Yup, and I am a merchant of death," I said, over-exaggeratedly rolling my eyes.

Lon'qu snorted from behind us, trying to keep as much distance as possible from Anna and Panne.

Isn't it weird how wherever you go a little group, or clique, forms around you? It had started with Lon'qu hovering around me, because I didn't constantly pester the poor guy (nothing pissed me off more than when people told you to smile; it's like, mother-fucker I'm frowning for a reason, and it's usually because you're stupid). Then Vaike had gravitated towards us, mostly because I didn't give him shit for belching, and I liked to compare muscles and strike poses, if I'm entirely honest. Panne was hanging around me like a bad smell, most likely for similar reasons to Lon'qu. And Anna… well, she was a mystery. Usually Sully would be around, too, but she was off playing outrider with Stahl, Frederick and Sumia, so it was just the rest of us. Miriel sometimes floated around, too, asking me questions that I tried my best to answer with my comparative eighth-grade-science-class knowledge.

Everyone else was just kinda… there, I guess. Most of the roster tended to flock to either me or Chrom, and this was just my little group.

I glanced around, having utterly forgotten about Kellam for the last three days now. With a shrug I just assumed he was around somewhere; he was never far when we needed him.

We made camp a few hours later, just as the sun was beginning to go down and the sky had turned a brilliant shade of purple. It was strange how my body just automatically started keeping daylight hours; up at dawn, in bed just after dark, with someone occasionally kicking me awake in the middle of the night to take a turn at guard duty. It was like I was a bloody farmer or something…

I wound up setting my tent up between Vaike and Lon'qu's, the men's and women's tents on opposite sides of the camp. Thanks, apparently, in no small part to Vaike. Then, after I'd dumped all my bags and other assorted junk, I joined the others at the campfire Frederick had put together. Sumia was on one side, stirring the contents of a big pot that was no doubt a soup or a thin stew, while behind her Lissa and Maribelle were organizing some fresh fruits and travelling rye bread. That was my diet on the road these days; not a lot of protein, so I was starting to get a little lean. And with my big-ass barrel chest it looked weird, so I was doing push-ups and the like more out of vanity now than for the sake of training.

I spotted Emmeryn sitting alone near the fire, and with a shrug decided to approach her.

"Good evening, Your Grace," I said with a small, polite bow.

She glanced up at me, frowning slightly. "Good evening, Ben. What can I do for you?"

I grinned a little sheepishly, rubbing the back of my stubbly head. I'd been meaning to do this for a while now, so it was kinda overdue.

"I just wanted to apologize for my behavior at the border," I said, bowing my head. "I was… struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'm stranded here at the time, and I acted rudely towards you. I wanted you to know that I support your efforts for peace, Your Grace, wholeheartedly."

I nodded, my spiel done, and backed away. No need to poke the bear; every word I'd just said was bull-shit. If it were me, I'd have marched across the border and burned the whole fucking country to the ground months ago. But for some reason I didn't want there to be bad blood between us when she 'died'.

"Would you care to join me?" she asked suddenly, halting me in my tracks.

I glanced up at her, my head still bowed. She had a slight smile on her face as she held a hand over the space of log at her side. I straightened and nodded; you don't say no to the Exalt. Even when you really want to.

Settling onto the log and mentally preparing myself for an evening of playing yes-man I-

"Not a word you just said was true, was it?" she asked me, a note of laughter in her voice.

My eyebrow shot up as I froze for a second, turning to look at her. She was still smiling at me, but not the 'you are so busted' kind of smile.

"Yeah, you got me," I sighed. "I just didn't want you to think I was some kind of warmongering monster or something."

"You are a soldier," she said, somewhat sadly. "It is just a part of who you are."

"Technically my last job was 'waiter', but that only lasted a week, so…" I muttered, mostly to myself.

There was a brief moment of silence between us before I broke it.

"May I speak candidly, Your Grace?" I asked her.

"Only if you call me by name like you agreed to," she laughed.

"Alright, Emm," I said, emphasizing her name with a grin. "I get you're trying as hard as you can to find a peaceful solution to this problem with Plegia, but… what if one doesn't exist?"

Emmeryn let out a soft sigh, tucking a loose strand of hair behind one ear as she stared into the fire.

"I do not know," she admitted, her voice barely more than a murmur. "I cannot let myself think, even for a moment, that peace will not be found."

"Well, I guess that's what you keep us around for, huh?" I asked, indicating to Chrom with a jerk of my head.

The Prince and his younger sister were approaching us, each carrying an extra bowl of food with easy smiles on their face.

"Hey, sis!" Lissa practically cried. "Here's your dinner!"

"And yours," Chrom added, handing me the other bowl.

"Yeesh, if Frederick saw that he'd kill me," I said, looking around carefully-

Ah, there he was. Glaring at me. Fuck him.

Chrom laughed, slapping me on the shoulder as he sat down beside me.

"Don't worry," the Prince assured me. "I've already given him strict orders to excuse any lack of manners or rudeness on your part due to cultural differences."

I looked at Chrom, my eyes wide as I sniffled exaggeratedly.

"You are the best friend I've ever had," I whined.

Lissa and Emm both burst out laughing as Chrom fidgeted uncomfortably at my overt display of emotions.

"What do you think he'd do if I tried to hug you?" I asked, earning more laughter from the girls.

"I don't know about him, but I'd probably stab you," Chrom deadpanned. "Don't make me take that bowl back."

* * *

The next morning I let out a big yawn, shambling out of my tent and blinking blearily. The only way I could describe it is that bit from the start of 'Shaun of the Dead', you know, where Simon Pegg is doing the whole zombie-impersonation thing? That's how I woke up when we camped.

My only overriding thought at that point was relieving myself and then getting food. The first part was easy enough to take care of; I simply took a few steps around to the back of my tent, dropped my pants a little and let rip. As I returned to the camp, though, I realized I was up a little too early, and Stahl hadn't finished breakfast yet.

I rolled out my neck, yawning again as I wandered towards the mess tent. I guessed that I'd just sit there and stare vacantly at the canvas wall of the tent until breakfast was ready, or until someone came to talk to me…

"Good morning, Sir Ben," a haughty voice called out to me, stopping my lazy strolling. "Would you perchance care for some tea?"

I quirked one brow, glancing over to where Maribelle had set up a tea-set on a small travelling table, her parasol already leaning against her shoulder and shielding her from the glorious warming morning sun.

"Er… Sure, but I was under the impression you weren't particularly fond of me," I admitted. "What's the catch?"

Maribelle scoffed, not waiting for my answer before pouring a second cup.

"The 'catch' is that I wish to… bury the hatchet, I believe the commoners say," she said, sliding the cup towards me on a saucer. "I have spoken to my darling Lissa and what you say is true; you and I are indeed of the same social circle. I would have no ill blood between us, and I have honestly been hoping to talk to you since you rescued me at the border."

I nodded slowly, cursing the fact that I'd ever let slip about my family history as I decided I had nothing to lose, and apparently tea and cookies to gain. Hell, I'll do just about anything for a cookie…

I carefully sunk into the chair opposite her, maintaining my posture and gently lifting the cup and saucer with both hands. I had to admit Maribelle wasn't exactly hard to look at, but the holier-than-thou attitude had really turned me off in the game. I wasn't particularly familiar with her supports… something about etiquette lessons? I'd never really played using her. Or Brady for that matter…

I was never really one for tea, either; my family was Germanic, not British. Beer, not tea. But that stack of cookies on the plate between us was practically screaming 'eat me!'

"I must say, you have come quite some way from your bodily oblation contest with the oaf Vaike when we first met," Maribelle said as I burned a hole in the cookies with my eyes. "It does my heart good to see a man of honor and integrity standing beside my darling Lissa and the Prince."

I nodded, cramming three of the butter-cookies into my mouth at once.

"I was hoping that you would tell me more of your family," Maribelle went on. "Lissa, unfortunately, had few details to give me."

I swallowed, struggling not to choke as the dry cookies worked their way down. I washed them down with a few sips of tea, trying not to let my displeasure show at this particular topic of conversation.

"There's honestly not much to tell," I said dismissively. "I used past tense, remember? My family is old-blood, sure, but such things don't really matter where I'm from."

"Oh, but they do," Maribelle insisted as I not-so-subtly inhaled another handful of cookies. "And I assure you they matter here. I believe it would be in both of our best interests if there was a… 'joining of hands' between our families."

This time I really did choke on the cookies, my eyes going wide as I beat my chest with my fist to work them down.

"What?" I managed to gasp.

"Think rationally about it," Maribelle said evenly. "Your family is in disrepute in your homeland, is it not? What better way to increase your family's standing than marrying the daughter of one of Ylisse's noble houses, one with very close ties to the ruling house? And indeed, this will further my own family's standing. It is beneficial for both of us. Indeed, it is criminal that it took me this long to propose such a union to you, and for that I apologize."

I sat, staring blankly at Maribelle gently smiling at me for a few moments before one word popped into my head.

 _Fucking nope._

Okay, so two words.

"I am honored by the offer, my lady," I said, bowing my head in a way I hoped was polite. "However that is a… a… big commitment, and without the… head of my family here to discuss it with I will have to momentarily decline."

I hoped that sounded as plausible out loud as it did in my head…

Maribelle nodded, her smile only growing.

 _Oh fuck… landmine triggered! Run! Run the fuck away! I don't remember this flag! What… why… No! Noooooooooo!_

"Of course," she said, sipping from her own cup. "How rude of me. I hope you do not think me overly-presumptuous from this. I will, of course, offer my proposal to the head of your family in due time, darling."

I nodded woodenly, cursing myself for apparently leading her on. But, and I quote what my brother was taught at basic here; "you don't piss off the sigs, the cooks or the medics." Maribelle was my 'medic', so I needed to keep her… well, happy. Not married happy, because there was no way in hell I was marrying into nobility, but still I needed her to like me enough to charge into battle and pull my carcass out of it if I got wounded.

"Of course," I parroted, draining my tea cup. "Thank you for the tea, Lady Maribelle. I really must go and train now, though, before we break camp."

"Of course, darling, do not let me keep you," she called after me. "Honestly, though, it is truly inspiring how you push yourself so for the sake of others. Have a lovely day, dear."

As I turned the corner around a tent I ran a hand over the stubble on the top of my head, blinking in confusion. I drew to a stop, staring at the ground with a furrowed brow as I tried to process the fact I'd apparently just gotten betrothed in exchange for some lousy cookies.

"What the fuck just happened?" I asked no one in particular.

* * *

"Prince Chrom, beware! Enemies attack from the rear!"

I glanced over my shoulder, cursing a little as I hopped back from the front line. Once again I had been content to let things go game-scriptingly, except for my offer to carry Lissa as she complained her legs felt like pudding. Chrom had shot me a warning glance, but I'd shrugged as Lissa continued to make a scene, apparently ignoring me. Then, on cue, we'd been attacked and the hierarch had defected and died, and, honestly, I thought I had more turns than this before Cordelia showed up…

"Chrom, take care of things here!" I shouted over the fighting. "Hold this damn line if it kills you! Virion, with me! We need to protect our arses! Sully, throw me your lance!"

Everyone moved to follow my instructions, Chrom taking the lead with the Shepherds pushing along the road and driving the soldiers and wyvern riders back much quicker than I had been.

"Go, Ben!" Chrom ordered. "Take Maribelle with you and be careful!"

I winced as the blonde troubadour rode up to us, a determined set to her features.

"Fine!" I called back. "Don't get dead, though! I ain't fighting this war alone!"

I reached up, catching the slim iron lance as it sailed through the air, Sully drawing her sword as she moved back around the Shepherds to guard the flank near the mountains. Virion gave me a questioning look as I brandished the weapon, which I ignored as I began to jog back to where we'd deployed. Funnily enough we deployed atop a little ridge, so you had to go up a bit of a winding path to get here; it wouldn't slow the wyvern riders down, but at least they didn't have anywhere to retreat to. And where Cordelia was waiting, and where at least six wyvern riders were about to show up. I couldn't punch a small dragon, but I could sure as hell stick a lance in one.

I mean, I _could_ punch a dragon, but…

…

You know, the more I thought about it, the more appealing the thought seemed.

"Maribelle, take care of Cordelia!" I ordered. "Virion, dig in and kill anything that comes over that ridge on a flying lizard!"

"Right," the archer, responded, skidding to a stop and nocking an arrow.

"Of course, dear," Maribelle said, ever the picture of noble composure as she urged her mount ahead of me.

I really needed to sit her down and have a talk with her about the pet names…

I could hear heavy wingbeats as I got closer, charging past Maribelle and Cordelia with a feral grin on my face.

"Death from above!" I screamed, throwing myself off of the ridge and right onto the first of the wyvern riders.

Sully must have taken real good care of her equipment, because the lance went right through this guy like he was paper. His mount carried us up over the ridge, me laughing like a maniac when I saw the stunned looks of disbelief on Cordelia and Maribelle's faces. Virion just laughed along with me, starting to fire arrows at the other riders coming over the ridge now.

The… the girls did know that if I'd have missed the wyvern I would have just landed on the path beneath the ridge, right?

"C'mon, ladies, look alive!" I shouted as I tossed the dead rider from the saddle, my borrowed lance still sticking out of his chest.

The wyvern glanced back at me, and with a shrug I drew my fist back, grinning like a bastard.

It appeared all my dreams were coming true today.

* * *

"I cannot believe you," Maribelle hissed from above me.

"Did you really punch a wyvern in the face!?" Lissa asked excitedly, appearing next to the other healer. "You know they breathe fire, right?"

"I do now," I groaned, grinning. "Totally worth it."

I was lying on my back in the medical tent while Lissa and Maribelle both fussed over me. During the battle I had learned three important things. One, if you punch a wyvern in the face it will spit a flaming loogey at you. Two, if you fall from the back of said wyvern while it's in the air with your coat on fire, it's going to hurt like fuck when you hit the ground. Three, Virion was a very, very good shot. Especially when he was trying to keep a pissed off wyvern with a black eye from eating his dumb-as-shit tactician.

My 'heroics' had effectively removed me from the battle, and nearly done the same for Virion because he had been laughing so hard. Fortunately both he and Cordelia had been able to deal with the remaining wyvern riders while Maribelle had hastily put my flaming carcass out and started healing me, but apparently burns had to be properly cleaned before they could be healed. Chrom had almost single-handedly tanked the front line, too, so all was well that ended well.

Except now my coat was ruined.

"Argh! I wish I could have seen it!" Lissa groaned, doing a little frustrated hop.

"It was foolhardy and suicidal," Maribelle snapped. "That you can be so irresponsible with your life when I-"

"Thank you ladies, I believe I'm healed," I said loudly, cutting her off and sitting up. "Be sure to treat the other Shepherds with the same loving care you showed me, eh?"

I pulled my almost-ruined shirt back on over my head, beelining for the exit as fast as I could and leaving Maribelle seething beside a very confused looking Lissa.

"We are not done talking about this!" she called after me.

 _Oh yes we fucking are,_ I thought to myself as I brushed by a line of Shepherds with varying levels of injury.

And all grinning like I was as tales of my wyvern-punching had clearly already spread, thanks in no small part to Virion's big mouth.

* * *

"So she's already gone, huh?" I asked, stepping into the commander's tent.

Chrom, Frederick, Sumia and Cordelia were already inside, clearly discussing our next step. Which, honestly, miffed me a little considering I was supposed to be the tactician here.

Chrom sighed and nodded, leaning on the table with both hands flat.

"She has," he said gloomily.

"We have our orders," Frederick started before I cut him off.

"Circle around the mountains and enter Regna Ferox from the east, right? Shouldn't take us more than a month. No problems."

The knight narrowed his eyes, but Chrom gave a soft chuckle.

"It never ceases to astound me how you know exactly what we have planned in advance," he said.

I shrugged, tapping my temple with my index finger and making Chrom laugh and shake his head.

"In any case I should introduce you to our newest member," he said. "Ben, this is the Pegasus Knight Cordelia. Cordelia, this is our tactician, Ben."

"Y-yes, Prince Chrom," she stammered, blushing as he spoke to her. "I-it is a pleasure to meet you, sir tactician."

"'Sup," I greeted, acting as casually as I could while I swooned inside.

This was the first chance I'd actually gotten to take a good look at her, considering how busy I'd been when we'd passed each other on the battlefield. She was every bit as beautiful IRL as she was made out to be in the game, I will freely admit that. Even streaked with dirt and blood like she was now she was almost unbearably stunning. Long, lithe limbs with just the right combination of softness and muscle, a thin face with high cheekbones, her breastplate… was a total lie, I knew that, but I didn't care. 'Justice' was greater than 'plot', in my mind.

Strangely, though, on the battlefield she apparently tied her hair up in a ponytail; which actually made a lot of practical sense, when you think about it.

She quirked her head at my strange greeting, but smiled and held her hand out to me all the same. I grasped the smaller hand and she gave me a surprisingly firm handshake. Her hand was soft, but still callused from training. It was a hella-weird combination…

"I look forward to working with you, Sir Ben," she said, still smiling.

I pulled back, snapping to attention.

"Rule numba one!" I barked, imitating Robin William's 'Genie' from Aladdin. "No honorifics! I am a nobody, and I will be addressed as such! Ah-rule numba two! All injuries are treated immediately in this camp! Get your butt down to the medical tent, missy, double-time!"

She blinked at me for a moment, unsure of how to react until I grinned at her. She let out a small laugh before begging Chrom's leave and exiting the tent, leaving me alone with the Prince and Frederick.

"Did you seriously punch a wyvern?" Chrom asked instantly.

"Yes," I answered simply.

"Imbecile," Frederick muttered under his breath as Chrom began to laugh.

* * *

"Ow, fuck, ow, shit, ow, cock, ow…"

I cursed as I limped through the evening camp, irritated as I dug through my bag of treats looking for a particularly potent healing salve that Anna had scammed me into buying. On credit, because Chrom still hadn't paid me.

Another thing that the game failed to mention was the wall of Plegian guerrilla soldiers between us at the end of Chapter Nine and the safety of Regna Ferox. It was endless, and really starting to get on my nerves.

We hadn't seen any action yet today, but one of the little fuckers had nailed me on the leg yesterday and I was reluctant to use up my asthma-treatment vullenaries until we were in a position where I could re-stock them. And it appeared I had indeed used the last of the salve yesterday. And going to the medical tent to see Lissa meant running the risk of seeing Maribelle again, something I was actively trying to avoid.

"God-fucking-dammit," I hissed, practically sticking my head into my bag. "I thought I still had some of that shit left… fucking salve, never around when I need it…"

Just as my fingers wrapped themselves around the small container at the bottom of my bag and I let out a relieved sigh I heard someone approaching me from behind.

"You're not out of salve," Cordelia said, her usual smile in place. "I restocked your medical supplies yesterday."

"Yeah, it's cool, I found it, thanks," I sighed, already undoing the cap on the little glass jar.

Cordelia smiled and nodded, moving to step around me, a thin lance balanced on her shoulder. I was so pre-occupied with pulling my pant leg up that I almost missed the flag waving in front of my face. My heart almost stopped as I cursed again, looking back up at the back of the Pegasus Knight.

"You never miss a detail, do you?" I asked quickly, trying to remember the right lines.

Cordelia stopped and turned, her long red hair loose now and shimmering around her shoulders in the torchlight. My breath caught in my throat as I was struck again by just how hot she was. Perfect-fucking-ten, I shit you not.

"I just like to stay on top of things," she said. "By taking stock of everyone's equipment, I know when anything needs replacing."

"What, all in your head?" I asked incredulously, kneeling down and slathering my leg in a generous helping of medical salve. "Shit, Cordelia, even I need to write that crap down."

"Of course," she laughed, the sound musical like wind-chimes. "Imagine the chaos if our potions and equipment ran out at the same time. I know someone that would suffer greatly if we were to run out of vullenaries, for example."

"Shit, you really are a genius," I scoffed, screwing the cap back onto my salve. "Way to make me look bad."

"Do not call me that!" she snapped as soon as I closed my mouth.

I sucked a quick breath in, eyes widening slightly. I knew this was coming; I knew she'd get pissed at me calling her a 'genius', but it still felt… bad to see her so upset. I never wanted to make that beautiful face scowl like that again.

"Hey, whoa, sorry," I said, holding my hands up in surrender. "It was a compliment, I didn't mean anything by it."

"No, of course you didn't. Please forgive me," Cordelia sighed, clearly trying to rein her temper in. "It's just that... my superiors called me that from the moment I joined the knights. It was so very hard sometimes... Little Lady Genius, they called me. They teased and taunted me..."

"I get you," I nodded, taking a page from Chrom's book and trying to make reassuring contact by placing my hand on her shoulder. "I heard the horror stories from my brother when he was at basic. Except they called him 'Panda'… I guess that superiors can be dicks all over the place, huh?"

"They mocked me, too..." Cordelia went on bitterly. "My appearance, and my javelin technique..."

"Trust me, I've gotten a pretty damn good look at your javelin technique in the last couple of days, and it's fucking perfect," I said, dropping my hand with a snort. "Trust me, when I said the 'g' word I only meant it as a compliment."

"I know," Cordelia sighed. "I am just overly-sensitive."

"Its fine, my brother's overly-sensitive, too, so I'm used to it," I chuckled. "So if you ever need anyone to talk to, about anything, just say the word."

Cordelia nodded, taking a calming breath.

"Well, since you offered..." she said, returning back to her all-smiles persona. "What do you think of this javelin? I'm not sure about the balance, myself."

I quirked a brow, crossing my arms and grinning. I knew this was going to happen, too.

"You know I don't exactly have a lot of experience with lances, yeah?"

"You seemed to wield one quite expertly on the field against those wyvern riders," Cordelia laughed.

"Yeah, beginner's luck," I sighed. "Hand it over."

I took the weapon, holding it in my hands and feeling the weight. I stepped back a little, adopting a stance and taking a few practice jabs and swipes with the weapon before nodding.

"It feels a little heavy towards the back," I said honestly. "I know it's made for throwing, but that's just my opinion."

Cordelia nodded, her smile growing.

"And you said you had little experience with such weapons," she laughed.

I grinned and chuckled along, a strange, uncomfortable sensation settling into the pit of my stomach. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but… it felt kinda wrong to be cheating, raising relationship flags like this.

* * *

I groaned, hot and miserable as I sagged under the weight of my clothes in the Plegian desert. We had progressed without any issues up to the day of Emmeryn's execution, picking up Gregor and Nowi along the way, and now here I was standing at the deployment area for the mission in which we attempted to save her nearly two months later.

Thanks to the heat I was now sporting a lovely sleeveless black leather jerkin vest over my bare torso, my beat-up old jeans and boots on beneath and my gauntlets on my hands already. In addition to the gauntlets, though, I had picked up a lovely new toy thanks to Anna's merchant network knowledge of decent blacksmiths and Chrom's actually paying me. Two wicked, curved trench-knives now rested in scabbards on the small of my back at all times, and they had proved perfect for my needs in the last battle against the Plegians.

For those of you unfamiliar with trench knives, they're short-bladed daggers with, basically, knuckle-busters on the handle so they don't fall out of your hands in close quarters combat. Originally designed for use in the trenches in World War One, they… well, okay, I had them made to make me look more threatening to the enemy and more bad-ass. There, ya happy?

At least, according to an exceedingly impressed Lissa, they were indeed very threatening weapons. Chrom and Sully seemed to be entranced by anything new and pointy, and Nowi wouldn't come near me. I had yet to show my babies off to Cordelia, though…

Which made the current situation perfect!

"Wow…" the Pegasus Knight breathed, her long crimson hair pulled back into her battlefield-ponytail already. "They sure look… mean."

"I know, right?" I said excitedly.

I jingled the knives on my fingers a few times for emphasis, the sunlight glinting off the dark blades. I'd purposely had the blacksmith use the darkest metal he could find, and the effect was quite sinister.

"And this is… a common weapon where you come from?" Cordelia went on, bending forward a little to inspect the knives.

I froze up a little, the scent of the Pegasus Knight wafting over to me from the movement; a subtle mixture of the flowery soap she and the other women in the camp used and her own unique scent, a musky scent like clean leather and horses mixed with a more alluring feminine undertone that you can't put into words, made all the more potent by the fact we were standing out in the middle of the blazing sun and she was wearing her full armor.

"Common enough," I shrugged, forcing myself to focus. "People where I'm from, we're pretty damn adept at killing each other. Makes the soldiers here look like kids playing in a park, honestly."

Cordelia perked up at that, eyes widening a little.

"That's not to say you're not an incredibly impressive and beautiful engine of destruction or anything but it's just that where I'm from people can kill millions with the twitch of a finger and I'm not saying that you couldn't do it too but I'm just going to stop talking now before I dig myself deeper into this hole…"

Cordelia snickered a little as I sighed and sagged, shaking my head. This was why I wanted to stick to the game script; I have this horrible problem with putting my foot in my mouth when I speak to attractive people.

"If what you say is true then I have much more work to do in my training," Cordelia said with conviction.

 _Woman, if you ever get to the point where you have as much destructive power as a nuke, I want to be far, far the fuck away,_ I thought, nodding along with her.

"I need to prepare for the battle," she said after a moment. "Stay safe, Ben."

"Yeah, you too," I sighed. "Don't get dead."

Cordelia grinned and nodded, spinning on her heel and marching back to where the other Knights and Sumia were preparing their mounts. I stood, squinting as I gazed into the painfully bright desert for a few moments. I knew it was pointless, but I was still trying to catch a glimpse of Libra. While I was distracted with my searching Chrom came up behind me, surprising me with a tap on the shoulder.

"How do you do it?" he asked, glancing over his shoulder.

I followed his gaze, which was resting on where Cordelia was doing a final check of her mount's saddle straps and the like. She glanced up, catching a glimpse of us watching her, and blushed and looked away.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I've been worried about her since we picked her up in Ylisstol, but she won't talk to anyone," Chrom said. "Except you, that is. Whenever she's with anyone else she just… shuts down. But with you she smiles. She laughs. How do you do it?"

"Your sister, the Exalt, is being held prisoner and is going to be executed, and you're worried about one knight?" I asked incredulously.

"Of course I worry for my sister," Chrom said heatedly before calming down. "But… Emmeryn we can save. I can't… I don't know how to save Cordelia from herself. After what happened to her…"

I sighed, punching the Prince lightly in the arm.

"Relax, bro," I told him. "I got this. Both problems."

"Yes, what would I do without you," Chrom smirked at me. "Just don't let Frederick see you punching me. He'll probably kill you on the spot."

I shrugged, scoffing. Chrom laughed as we started walking back to the others, but I was subtly looking to see if…

Ah. Yup. Frederick was glaring at me again.

* * *

After that the mission was the disaster I was expecting it to be. Oh, we got through to Emmeryn, killed the Plegian general, Chrom recruited Libra and Tharja, and we didn't even suffer so much as a paper cut on our side, but…

"Damn you Gangrel!" Chrom snarled as Frederick pulled him back.

"No! Emmeryn!" Lissa cried, trying to bolt past me.

I grabbed her by the shoulder, swinging her around and holding her to my chest. She practically latched onto me, sobbing uncontrollably into my chest as I glared over her head. I'd wimped out, telling Chrom I'd support whatever decision he made in regards to the Fire Emblem, but then again Emmeryn 'died' regardless, so that wasn't so bad.

But… actually watching her fall…

With that fucking madman laughing all the while…

"I am going to jam a spear so far up your ass you'll taste it!" I roared to the mad king.

"Let me go!" Chrom shouted in Frederick's face. "Let me go, damn you! Gangrel dies today!"

Basilio, Flavia and Lucina made their appearance from the rear, just as they were scripted to.

"No, boy!" Basilio shouted, Flavia already shoving the other stunned Shepherds into action behind him. "I secured an escape route! We have to flee!"

"No!" Chrom roared, still trying to get around Frederick. "No! I-I have to at least get her body-"

"Chrom, we have to get the fuck out of here!" I shouted over him. "Frederick, throw him over your shoulder if you have to! We're leaving!"

The big Knight nodded, dragging a struggling Chrom back as a squad of Feroxi soldiers interposed themselves between us and the Risen.

"C'mon, Lissa," I said softly to the distraught girl in my arms. "We have to go…"

She nodded, struggling to stifle her sobs.

"D-don't… don't let… me go…" she managed to sob, gripping my hand like a vice.

I nodded, pulling her along behind me. As we hurried to catch up with the others I got a good look at their own reactions, each one putting another spike through my heart. Cordelia had tears running down her face… Sumia, too… The Knights looked like they were about to rush the Risen… Ricken looked so young, so lost… Tharja…

The Dark Mage was glaring daggers at Lissa, and the sight actually made me snort out a laugh.

But it was Lucina's line, delivered with such pain and loss as I ran past her, that nearly killed me.

"No…" she muttered, tears welling in her own eyes. "I'm too late... Our bleak future is written once more... And darkness awaits us all-"

Something inside of me snapped and I stopped, grabbing her by the shoulder and forcibly spinning her to face the other way.

"No it damn-well does not!" I roared. "Not while I'm still fucking breathing! Now get your ass in gear and run! We're not done yet! We're still alive, so start fucking acting like it!"

My shouting seemed to spur the other Shepherds into action, even if Lucina did look at me like I'd just slapped her in the face. She nodded, though, starting to run alongside us. Even Chrom was silent now, looking down and biting his lip as Frederick led him with one hand clamped firmly around his Prince's bicep. Lissa still sobbed quietly behind me as we ran, her hold on my hand so tight I thought she would break it.

Behind us I could hear Gangrel's laughter echoing around the desert as the Feroxi squad engaged the Risen to allow us time to escape.

Telling myself that Emmeryn came back as a Spot Pass character at the end did very, very little to mollify me, though.

I couldn't help but feel responsible for not even trying to stop this from happening.

"I'm sorry, Lissa," I muttered as we ran.

She either didn't hear me or couldn't process what I'd said, and didn't react.

* * *

Rain dripped off my face as I lifted a practically catatonic Lissa up under the armpits into one of the waiting carts, the sky as dark as the Shepherds' moods. Basilio took hold of the princess, placing her gently on a bench under the canvas roof, water running down its sides like little waterfalls.

Three horse-drawn carts had been waiting for us with Olivia, two uncovered and one covered one. The Shepherds had formed a rough semi-circle around them, ready to repel any and all Plegian attacks while I got the Prince and Princess into our mode of escape.

"C'mon, Chrom, get in the fucking cart!" I barked at the Prince.

He glared up at me over his shoulder, Falchion gripped firmly in his hand and still dripping with Mustafa's blood. We'd cut through the Plegians at the Midmire like a hot knife through butter, leaving not a single one alive. Chrom had fought like a man possessed, leading the charge and carving through the Plegian soldiers one after another, almost single-handedly winning the day.

And now, without anything else left to kill, his glare was turned on me.

"What the hell happened back there!" he shouted over the rain as he stomped over. "You're meant to be my tactician! You keep calling yourself a genius! Why didn't you plan for something like that!? You told me you had this! How can you be so cold!? My sister is dead and you just keep shouting to run away like a coward!"

He punctuated his sentence by grabbing the collar of my jerkin with his free hand and hauling me close, the pain on his face clearly writ and making me feel even worse.

"Dammit, boy, we don't have time for-" Basilio started, jumping down from the back of the cart, cutting himself off as I began to speak.

"Go ahead," I told Chrom. "You're right. I failed. I'm a coward. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, hit me. Stab me. Kill me if you really want. But do it fast and get the fuck out of here before the same thing happens to you, too! If being a coward means nobody else dies, then I'll be the biggest fucking coward you've ever met! Now kill me or get in the _fucking cart, Chrom!_ "

My voice rose until I was shouting back in his face, both of us glaring the other down.

Chrom broke first, his glare wavering until he sagged, dropping his hand as his shoulders started to shake.

"Ben, I-"

"Forget it," I said, cutting him off and gently pushing him towards the cart. "It's not important right now. What is important is getting you and Lissa away from here. Please, Chrom."

He nodded, not meeting anyone's gazes as he climbed up into the cart and sat down next to Lissa. She instantly reached over, grabbing one of his hands in hers and holding onto it. Basilio snorted, slapping me on the shoulder and nodding as he clambered up into the cart, too.

"Knights of Ylisse, guard this cart with your lives!" I shouted to the waiting cavaliers. "Everyone else, pick a cart and let's go!"

Everyone moved fast after that, either following behind or above the lead cart or climbing into one of the remaining two. Unsurprisingly I found myself seated next to Tharja in my own cart, the Dark Mage looking down and blushing without saying a word as she was forced to practically sit on my lap in the crowded space. What was surprising, though, was that Lucina hadn't left my side since I'd shouted at her near the capital and now sat pressed up to my other side, looking down with her long blue hair plastered to her face and neck by the rain. She hadn't said a word, just silently followed me in protecting Lissa as we'd run.

It was a problem for later, though. Unlike the game, the danger I was in right now was still very real.

"Go!" I shouted to the Feroxi driver. "Get us clear! We're all too young and pretty to die!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**

 **Probably one of the more sexually charged chapters I've written. Just a heads-up. Can anyone else tell yet how much pointless wish fulfillment has been crammed into this story? In case you can't tell, the answer is A LOT.**

 **This chapter went up faster because about half of it's just bastardized support conversations. I was a little mean to Tharja and Maribelle, but it's all in good humor. I'm also starting to think I've watched too many harem anime…**

 **Someone also brought up the time-skipping. Am I skipping a lot? Yeah. But I'm skipping what I feel doesn't add to the story. I never intended for this to be a full re-telling (hell, I never planned for this to go past one freaking chapter), but I'm leaving a lot of the more important bits intact. I will be slowing down a lot more when I get to the whole Valm part, because there's a lot more characters introduced and a lot more I can do with it. I wanted this story to be more like this chapter; little scenes, jokes, with some small amount of seriousness thrown in for continuity.**

 **EDIT: I changed a few lines. The whole monster thing… yeah. I think my inner chunnibyo got the better of me there…**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every Thursday and NOW ON ITUNES! Look us up!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part 4**

I let out a relieved sigh as my feet hit sand, stretching my back and happy to finally be out of that cart. Everybody else was listlessly spilling out of the carts, too, wandering about aimlessly and lost, but at least it had stopped raining.

We'd pulled up near a small oasis in the desert a few hours after sundown, the three carts arranged in a triangle around what was little more than a puddle with a palm-frond above it. But the horses needed rest, and the grieving needed time to grieve, so we'd parked up for the night. According to Flavia there were still roving bands of Feroxi warriors in the desert around us, so at least we were guaranteed one night of rest.

"Set up a watch rotation!" I shouted into the quiet night. "I want eyes on all corners of the compass, unmounted soldiers only! Knights, get your mounts fed and watered! Everyone else takes a break, six hours sleep minimum! Cold dinner, no tents, and yes, Frederick, that does not count for Chrom and Lissa, you can set up their tents if you really want to."

A few weak laughs met my joke as the Shepherds sluggishly began to move about again.

I took a shuddering breath, feeling like someone had stuffed cotton-wool into my chest. That was the most annoying kind of asthma, the kind that snuck up on you gradually. With a sour face I sucked down one of my almost empty vullenaries, carelessly tossing the empty vial aside.

Chrom came up to me while I was distracted, big puppy-dog eyes seeming to stare up at me despite the man being head and shoulders taller than me.

"'Sup?" I asked tiredly, running a hand over the quickly-lengthening stubble on my head.

I'd have to shave again before long… It was kind of hard to find the time while we were marching, though.

"Ben… I…" Chrom stammered, wilting beneath my apathetic veneer.

"I get it," I sighed. "Seriously. Put it out of your mind. Unless what you were about to say was 'you're fired', in which case go fuck yourself."

Chrom snorted, chuckling a few times before sobering. Lissa peeked around her brother, her eyes red and swollen.

"I'm still need to say it, though," Chrom said, a sad smile on his face. "I'm sorry for my actions. I was wrong to blame you and call you a coward. Without you there keeping a level head I probably would have led the Shepherds on a suicidal counter-attack for no better reason than my own revenge."

I sighed, running a hand down my face. This is what I'd been worried about with the whole 'knowing Emmeryn fell' thing. _I_ knew she was still kinda alive. Chrom and Lissa didn't, and seeing two people I now counted as rather close friends mourning like this was pretty brutal.

 _There's an order to these things, Ben_ , I told myself, taking a deep breath. _This is the last time you have to do this. It's all up-hill from here._

"Apology accepted," I sighed, smiling instead.

I reached around Chrom, rubbing the top of Lissa's head. It was hard to believe she was only sixteen most of the time, marching with us like she did. She let out a sniffle and bowed her head a little, letting me rub the top of it comfortingly. On a whim I pulled the Princess into what I hoped was a comforting embrace, and she latched onto me like a freaking baby koala.

"We'll turn this around, Chrom," I promised over Lissa's head. "I swear it on my life. Gangrel will pay for this."

The Prince nodded tiredly, smiling a little at my promise.

"When you say it, I can believe it," he muttered softly.

* * *

After Frederick had set up the royal's tent and I'd successfully dislodged Lissa from my torso I floated about, making sure everyone got an even share of the emergency rations of dried fruits and roasted nuts with Olivia before helping an exhausted Frederick set up a medical tent for Libra and Maribelle to make use of. Apparently there were some small wounds, nothing major, that they wanted to take care of. I then made sure that there were indeed four people on guard duty. To my surprise, two of them were Basilio and Flavia, each one greeting me and commending my level-headedness during the day's disaster. The other two guards, a seething Sully that barely spoke a word to me despite blatantly ignoring my orders that no mounted soldiers took guard duty and an invisible Kellam I'd only found by tripping over him, were both good, so I'd decided that I should probably turn in, too.

Until I spotted Lucina standing up on one of the small dunes back out towards the desert, silhouetted by the weak silvery moonlight peeking through a break in the clouds.

On a whim I trudged up the small sand-dune to where she was standing with her back turned to me to make sure she was okay. As I got closer and I began to be able to pick out details in the night I saw that she had her arms wrapped around herself, and I assumed that the gesture wasn't because she was cold.

"Still alive, Princess?" I asked, my voice betraying just how bone-tired I was.

She glanced over at me, nodding a little.

"I… I will be fine," she said after a moment, before chuckling a little. "You know, I find it amusing. At first your knowledge of my timeline incensed me. I could not trust you, but now I find it… oddly comforting."

I nodded silently, holding the small bag of dried fruits and roasted nuts I'd brought with me out to her. She looked at it for a few moments before smiling and taking a few.

"I also find it comforting that I was not the only one that was unable to prevent today from happening," she admitted quietly, looking out over the desert with a distant expression.

"Yeah…" I agreed unenthusiastically.

"Thank you for allowing me to escape with you," she added. "I did not know what to do, and became caught up in the flow, but… listen to me prattling on. My apologies. You must be exhausted, Sir Ben. Please, go and take rest."

"I don't deserve it after today," I sighed. "You go ahead and use my bedroll if you want. I'll stand guard."

"Don't be absurd," Lucina scoffed. "You need your rest. You did everything you could today."

"No I didn't," I muttered under my breath.

There was a moment of silence, in which I honestly believed Lucina hadn't heard me. In fact I fervently hoped she hadn't heard my slip.

"What… do you mean by that?" she asked suddenly.

At this point I should have known better. But I was tired. More than tired; I was exhausted. I was barely standing. I should have excused myself, told her to get some sleep and then done the same.

Hell, I should've run like fuck.

But I was tired, and practically brain-dead by that point.

"I… nothing."

"You… could not have known today would happen."

I stayed silent, closing my eyes and heaving a great sigh.

"Ben," Lucina insisted desperately, turning to face me now. "Tell me that you didn't know that Emmeryn would die. That the Shepherds would fail today."

Still I remained silent.

"Damn you, speak!" Lucina thundered, grabbing me by the collar like her father had a few hours ago. "Look at me! Did you know!?"

"Of course I knew!" I snapped back, shoving her away from me in a fit of anger. "I know everything that's going to happen for the next three fucking years! This-"

I don't remember what I was about to say next. All I remember is Lucina's fist flying at my face before I fell backwards, the side of my jaw practically broken from the blow.

She… she'd actually hit me.

More than that, she had punched me square in the jaw.

"How could you!?" she cried, kicking my chest and knocking me flat on my back. "You knew!? You knew and you let her die anyway!? What kind of monster are you!?"

She straddled me, punching me in the jaw again as tears ran down her face.

"Do you have any idea what you've done!?" she cried, her fist descending into my face again and again. "You let her die! You doomed us all! You monster! You monster!"

I saw red.

Before I knew it I'd surged up, my exhausted body tapping the energy reserves I'd always joked I only kept for sex when I was exhausted to the point of dropping back home. I batted Lucina's hands aside and, I'm not proud to say, laid her flat with a back-hand of my own.

"I did what I had to!" I snarled. "You think I wanted this!? You think that it didn't kill me inside to watch her fall!? To have to shout your father down like that!? To hold Lissa while she… while she…"

I trailed off, exhausted now and falling down to one knee, unable to get more words out around the lump in my throat any more. Lucina just looked up at me, holding herself up on one elbow as she held her jaw with the other. The venom in the glare she shot me, the pure, seething hatred, would haunt me for the rest of my life, I just knew it.

"There's an order to this," I rasped with a shuddering breath. "If we keep on this path I know there's a happy ending! No victory is without cost, dammit! And I'm going to drag this whole fucking world to victory with or without your help!"

Lucina slowly got to her feet, stepping back from me with a look of disgust on her beautiful features.

"I know… we win," I said in a small voice. "If we keep this up… if we keep on this path… we'll still win…"

"At what cost?" Lucina asked me in a dead tone of voice.

"Think it's a little late for you to be getting cold feet now, Princess," I chuckled. "If it makes you feel better, though, this was the last time something like this happens. It's… all uphill from here. And if I'm wrong feel free to stick that big pointy sword down my throat."

* * *

After a month of wandering around the desert evading Plegian patrols with the Shepherds I could safely say three things.

One: The timeline of Awakening was well and truly misrepresented in the game.

Two: People in this world got over tragedy, like what happened to Emm, very fast. Chrom and Lissa were still a little quiet, but for everyone else life went on. Me included, even after that little spat with Lucina.

And three: I was far, far too hairy to be wandering around in a desert.

"It's hoooooooooot…" I groaned, fanning myself weakly with one hand as I walked.

I was wandering through the small tent city that the Shepherds had established near one of the smaller Plegian oases last week while the Feroxi soldiers scouted further potential escape routes with Flavia and Basilio. The army here was just like the one back home; all hurry up and wait. Whatever. If it meant I wasn't schlepping through the desert like a jack-ass then I was happy.

"It's… so… fucking… hot…" I groaned, wiping the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand. "I want to die. This is it. I want. To die."

Okay, slightly less morbidly depressed, then.

I sighed, the lingering ache in my jaw flaring up at the movement. I had refused to let any of our three healers treat the injuries I'd received brawling with Lucina. It just seemed… fair.

A soft scuffling behind me, a familiar sound I had grown accustomed to over the last few weeks, made me stop and glance over my shoulder. A flash of dark cloak disappearing behind a water barrel out of the corner of my eye made me sigh, deciding that it was finally time for the C-rank support.

Fuck it, I was going to skip right to S-rank. I was stressed and needed the 'relief' that could only come from some quality fucking.

"Tharja, I know you're back there," I said. "I know you've been following me. Come out and say what you want to say."

There was a little squeak and some hurried shuffling behind the barrel before Tharja appeared, swaying her hips suggestively as she approached me. Or at least trying to, anyway; she was clearly very nervous and the movements came across as a little wooden. She was easily on par with Cordelia in terms of raw looks, too, that was for certain. Her long black hair had a luster to it that was clearly magical in origin, and her body-suit left just enough to the imagination that it made me want to, if I'm entirely honest here, tear it off with my teeth. Her skin was smooth, and while she fairly exuded yandere-pheromones it had been a long, exhausting month, and I was ready for some fun.

"So you finally noticed... my love," she said, her voice silken as a small bashful smile crossed her lips.

"Kinda hard to miss, actually," I sighed, running a hand over the top of my head. "You're hardly subtle about it."

With a start I realized I'd graduated from stubble to short hair at some point in the last month. I guess I'd just been too busy to shave it… That would have to change, very soon. I hated my receding hairline with a fiery, burning passion.

"I realized it the first moment we locked eyes," she went on, pretty well ignoring me as she slowly drew closer. "'He isn't like the others,' I thought. 'He's the one I've been seeking!'"

"You don't say?" I deadpanned, struggling to keep a straight face as she stopped right in front of me.

"That's why I've been watching your every... single... move," Tharja said, walking her index and middle fingers up my chest with the last three words of her sentence, stroking my fuzzy jaw before continuing.

"Yesterday you-"

"I know what I did yesterday," I said, cutting her off. "I know you've been stalking me every single day since we've met. I'm flattered, honestly. I don't usually get this kind of attention."

"Then… then you accept my love!?" she said excitedly, throwing herself onto my chest.

The sensation of her soft breasts pressing into my chest almost gave me a classic anime nosebleed as all the blood moved to rearrange itself around my body. I waited curiously, wondering what Tharja would do with what was essentially a green light. She looked up at me, her slightly darkened cheeks going redder and redder as we looked into each other's eyes. After a few moments of silence I quirked a brow.

"You have no idea what you're doing, do you?" I asked, letting my grin finally escape.

She trembled a little as she stepped back, shaking her head from side to side as she disappeared beneath her cloak. I shrugged, reaching out and gently running the fingers of my left hand along her perfectly smooth jaw, down to her chin where I slowly tilted her face back up to look at me.

"I… I…" she stammered, eyes wide as I drew closer.

As far as kisses go, it wasn't anything special. Just a quick peck, a little pressing together of the lips. However, judging from the way Tharja squealed and fainted in my arms I'd clearly just way over-stimulated the woman. Thank fuck there were no sexual-harassment courts in Ylisse. That I knew of, anyway…

Snickering to myself as I hoisted her up in a princess-carry I started whistling as I brought her back to her tent.

 _I wonder how this is going to effect the support conversations with her…_ I thought to myself, pointedly trying to ignore the fact I'd be relieving my own stress again that night, from the looks of things.

* * *

"I would kill everyone in this camp for a beer right now…" I muttered, staring at the ground between my feet. "Every single person. Beer…"

It was evening now, and after putting Tharja in her tent as gently as I could (and by that I mean I only dropped her once on the way) I had spent the remainder of the day actually working. I had been drawing up tactics and troop rosters, guard rotations that made sure everyone got adequate rest, I'd listed all the supplies we'd need for a campaign against Plegia once we returned to Regna Ferox and had an army behind us again…

I was tired. And it was taking too long for them to finish dinner.

And I really, really wanted to be drunk.

The others, probably either too busy with their own lives or sensing my foul mood, were leaving me along that evening. Probably for the best, really… I was blue-balled after Tharja fainted and kind of pissy…

Not that it would have been very good, mind you. It hadn't occurred to me until just after I'd laid the comatose Tharja down on her bedroll and strolled back through the camp that I was quite possibly, with the exception of Frederick and Gregor, the oldest one here. They were all kids, and worse, all the women were virgins. In other words, and at the core of my issue, none of them were yet aware of the joys of casual sex. This thought alone made me wish harder than anything for booze, of any variety. Hell, I was about to brave the medical tent and possibly running into Maribelle to go and see if there was any rubbing alcohol to treat wounds that I could get hammered on!

I glanced up as the sound of footfalls approached, quirking a brow and feeling my mood improve exponentially when I realized it was Cordelia approaching.

"Well, you look down," she commented with a small grin.

"I'm just tired," I sighed, sitting up straight. "And sober… Disgustingly, disgustingly sober…"

"That a new javelin?" I asked, changing the subject and jutting my bearded chin out to indicate at the weapon in the Pegasus Knight's hands.

"Yes, I crafted a new javelin based on your feedback," Cordelia said excitedly. "Very perceptive of you!"

I shrugged, lurching to my feet.

"Did you do this in the portable forge in the last couple of days?" I asked, squinting at the weapon. "That's pretty damn impressive."

Cordelia laughed shyly, smiling.

"I suppose I could have waited around for the javelin fairy, but she's so unpredictable," she said. "Here, look. See the pattern on the shaft? It's my own design. Well? What do you think?"

She held the weapon out to me, a delicate spear made for throwing. I took it, feeling its heft and ignoring the fact that this conversation was going pretty much exactly how the script dictated it was supposed to.

"Feels pretty damn good to me," I said, pointedly not using the word genius to compliment her. "If there's any other way I can help, like if you need a moving target to test its aerodynamic properties on or something, just say the word."

Cordelia let out a much louder laugh this time, probably the most genuine one I'd ever seen from her.

"You are far too kind, Ben!" she chuckled. "Why, if I..."

Her face fell as she snatched the lance back from me, holding it tight to her breastplate and looking down.

"N-no, wait," she said quickly. "We can't be doing this. People will get the wrong idea!"

"The idea that I'm helping you make weapons? Heaven forbid!" I scoffed, imitating Virion and Maribelle's high-born accents.

"If you're so kind to me all the time, people will start to think... we're friends," she said, her voice trailing off and becoming almost inaudible as she finished the sentence.

I sighed and stepped forward, nudging her armored shoulder.

"Reality check, Red," I laughed. "We're already friends. Little late to be wanting to avoid that pit-fall now. You're stuck with me."

"B-but our… our social standing…" she said, looking up at me with wide eyes.

"Argh, fucking medieval caste system…" I growled. "I keep telling you people, my family are nobodies! We own land and my father owns a business! Big whoop! Anything else is nearly a century out of date! I'm not too good to be hanging out with anyone! If anything, you're too good to be seen with me!"

Cordelia blinked at my outburst, her face blank as she struggled to comprehend my rant. Obviously, when she broke into a radiant smile, the message (along with that unintended compliment) had gotten across.

"Truly?" she asked hesitantly. "Do you… truly mean that?"

"Yes!" I sighed exasperatedly. "Do you see any of the others keeping their distance from me? Well, maybe today because it was hot and I haven't hit the bathing tent yet…"

Cordelia laughed, visibly relaxing again.

"Well, I did not wish to be rude…" she chuckled before sobering. "I'm sorry. I guess... I guess I grew accustomed to not having any… friends. I was the youngest recruit in the Pegasus Knights. All of my comrades were veterans. There was no one whom I could truly call my 'friend'."

"That sucks," I sighed. "But here's the fact of the matter: as long as I'm here, you're not alone anymore. The long and short is that I like you, Cordelia, and I want to be your friend. Comprende?"

Cordelia nodded, her eyes shining as she smiled. I was coming on a little stronger than Robin did in the game, but… well, this was a girl in strong need of a little human contact. Her and Tharja both, actually, just in two very different ways. I'd get to Tharja later, though.

"Thank you, Ben," she said, her voice thick.

"M-my friend," she added softly.

I groaned and stretched my back, rotating my shoulders a little as I glanced over at the cooking fire.

"Think dinner's ready yet?" I asked curiously.

"I… believe it might be getting close."

"Good, 'cause I'm starving," I sighed. "Let's go eat. Together. And not just so I can pick at your leftovers. God, I'd kill for a meat pie. Do you guys even have those here?"

* * *

Later that evening as everyone retired for sleep and the only lights in the camp were from the Shepherds on guard-duty's torches I lay on my back atop my bedroll, staring at the roof of my tent with sleep still far from my mind.

At least I'd finally made time to shave my head again. Although I did have to worry about sunburn now.

It was frustrating the way that I kept getting sucked into the support conversations. I'd talked books with Sumia, been chased by Sully's horse with Vaike, done part of the prank-off with Lissa, created chess with Virion, and even freaking talked science with Miriel, even if I only understood about two-thirds of what she was saying. It was like the more I stuck to the scripted events in the missions, the more the camp-time scripts happened as well. And it felt like I was cheating by using them to worm my way into everyone's good-books.

Except for Maribelle's, I was still avoiding her like the plague.

But it felt cheap that I knew so much about these people, actual people and not the pixels on a screen I was used to, and I was using this knowledge like some sort of cheat code. On the other hand, though, I could justify it as fate simply taking its course. I mean, these things were scripted, and here I was playing the part of the protagonist, right? That just meant that what I was doing was perfectly justified.

Right?

My thoughts were interrupted when a soft rustling at my tent's entrance alerted me to a midnight visitor.

"No, Tharja," I said sternly. "Out. I'm not in the mood anymore."

"Oh? Were you expecting someone else, darling?"

I shot up into a sitting position, my eyes widening in a vain attempt to see in the low light.

 _That… wasn't Tharja's voice._

"Oh crap…" I muttered, spotting the darker shadows of sausage-curls against the lighter shadows of my tent.

 _Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!_

Maribelle crossed the space, pushing me back down onto my bedroll and straddling me and grabbing my wrists faster than I could react. There was the sound of fabric rustling, and I'm pretty sure that there was now a woman sitting on my lap in her unmentionables.

Usually, this would be a cause for celebration. However, not only was I not in the mood, it was _fucking Maribelle_ , and I really didn't want to get married.

Like, _really_ didn't want to get married.

"Help! Help! I need an adult!" I tried to shout, only getting half-way through the first 'help' before she clamped one hand over my mouth.

"I was beginning to worry that you had forgotten our agreement, darling," Maribelle whispered directly into my ear. "I have been watching you with the other women in the camp, and I wish to assure you that a noble lady of Themis does not lose to mere commoners."

 _Oh, but they'll throw themselves at a man out of wedlock?_ I thought, desperately squirming beneath her.

That being said, the pressure of a female body on top of a man's is a very, _very_ hard thing to shut out the pleasure of. It was even harder to shake when she was practically panting in my ear…

"If this is to be the way I show you how serious I was about my proposal," she whispered, gently kissing my ear, "then so be it…"

 _Where in God's name did she learn how to do_ this _!?_ I wondered, squirming under her ministrations.

"Argh, stop! Stop, damn you!" I groaned around her hand.

I freed my hands from her grip and fumbled around in the dark, trying to find her shoulders or her wrists or…

My hands found an exquisite, soft, yielding texture and Maribelle let out a low moan.

 _Boobs!_ I realized, the thought hitting me like a blow to the face.

"Ahn, yes," Maribelle hissed.

"'Ahn', no!" I urged, gently trying to push her off. "Seriously! No!"

I wracked my brain, trying to think of some way to get her off of me, dressed, and out of my tent while still maintaining the cohesion of the camp. You didn't piss off the sigs, the cooks or the medics.

 _Er… do I really not want her to go, though?_

I… was trying to get laid earlier, wasn't I? So… why the hesitation now?

Maribelle quashed the last of my resistance by moving her hand and forcefully pressing her lips to my own, and with the most common thought I ever had float through my head I responded by leaning up and sliding my tongue into her mouth.

 _Fuck it, I'ma get laid._

She squeaked a little, clearly new to the sensation and making me wonder absently if they even had the concept of Frenching here, but after a few seconds she caught on and began to entwine her tongue with mine, grinding herself against me as I wrapped my arms around her.

Turns out I was a little off! Either they didn't have bras or an equivalent here, because my hands felt naught but supple flesh as I ran them up and down her back, or she'd neglected to wear hers.

My hands slowly wandered down her back, intent on finding out if she was actually naked or not…

Just as things were getting good, though, there was a high-pitched squeak, followed by a low growling sound. I bolted upright, practically throwing Maribelle off of me as I recalled the yandere flags I'd been setting with Tharja earlier that day.

 _Oh god she watches me sleep that's right and now I'm about to die._

There, standing in the entrance of my tent with terrifyingly wide eyes and a wicked smile on her face was Tharja, dark fire dancing over her open palms as she quivered in what I could only assume was murderous intent.

"Oh sweet mother of fuck, please calm down Tharja!" I shouted.

Maribelle shouted in indignation, yanking the bedroll out from under me and hiding her naked chest with it.

"Keh-keh-keh…" Tharja laughed, dropping her head so that her fringe obscured her eyes.

"She came on to me!" I shouted, pointing with both hands at a stunned-looking Maribelle.

* * *

I groaned and coughed the next morning, holding a hand up to shield my face from the bright light from the sun beating down on me.

"Good morning, friend," someone laughed from my side.

I groaned again and sat up, a small cloud of ash puffing off of me with the movement. Tharja had burned down my tent in her rage and while still aflame I'd been forced to separate the two women as they'd fought and screamed over me. While I was on fire. I'd like to stress that part. Chrom was less than impressed. Frederick was ready to throw me out into the desert. Naked. In the end we'd settled for letting sleeping dogs lie, since the only casualty of last night's shenanigans was my tent, and I'd wound up sleeping next to the embers of the cooking fire after profusely apologizing and promising to keep it in my pants for the remainder of the campaign.

Cordelia leaned over me, grinning down at me.

"Sleep well?" she asked.

"You know damn well I did not," I groaned, running a hand through my short hair.

"Yeah, and thanks to that ruckus the rest of us didn't either," she laughed.

I groaned, flopping back down onto my back and covering my face with the backs of my hands.

"Argh… that is going to be one awkward breakfast conversation," I moaned.

Cordelia laughed above me, before offering me a slim line of salvation.

"If you'd like, you can come scouting with me," she offered, laughter still clear in her voice.

I was on my feet in an instant, already reaching to make sure my gauntlets and trench knives were in place.

"Yup, safety of the camp comes first, let's fly," I said quickly.

"I thought you'd like that idea," she laughed, clasping her hands behind her back and smiling at me.

* * *

"You know, if I did not know better I would think you were making a pass at me," Cordelia laughed.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm just really fuckin' uncool with heights," I groaned into her back.

The crimson haired Pegasus Knight laughed as we soared above the dunes of the Plegian desert, her mount's wings beating a steady rhythm through the air. I was clinging to her for dear life, both arms wrapped around her midsection and my face pressed into her armored shoulder. Thankfully, though, Cordelia had clearly had enough of torturing me and guided her pegasus lower, landing it in the shade of a small rock formation surrounded by seemingly endless seas of sand. The creature let out a relieved snort as I fell off of it, resisting the urge to get onto my hands and knees and kiss the dirt.

Okay, so I kinda threw myself off of it and flew about a meter in my desperation to be back on solid ground, but that's neither here nor there.

Cordelia dismounted much more gracefully than I did, pulling what appeared to be a water-proof feeding bag out of one of her saddle bags and filling it from a waterskin, before throwing another to me.

"Thanks," I said, catching it out of the air.

Or trying to, anyway, and accidentally knocking it into the ground. Cordelia laughed again as I fumbled with the waterskin, my face starting to blush a little from embarrassment.

"Okay, so I'm not graceful," I groaned before taking a long sip from the skin.

The water was warm and tasted like leather from sitting in the skin all morning, but it was wet, I was thirsty, and Cordelia had given it to me, so it was officially the best thing I'd had in days. I passed it back to her, and without a moment of hesitation the crimson-haired woman popped the cork and took a long drink of her own.

Now, in anime this would be the part where one of us started freaking out about an indirect kiss. But I was a grown-ass man, and she was a Knight, so with that fleeting thought passing through my brain as I watched her slender neck bob with the movements of drinking I said nothing. When she finished she noticed me watching her and gave me a questioning look, to which I shrugged and turned out towards the desert.

Hardly smooth, but that was me all over. I was not smooth unless I had a green light blinding me inches from my face.

Metaphorically speaking, anyway.

"So what're we doing out here, anyway?" I asked, looking around the desert.

"There were reports of a Plegian scouting party in the area," Cordelia answered, pouring the remainder of the waterskin into her mount's bag.

"We are here to ascertain whether or not they pose a threat to our escape."

I nodded, glancing up as Cordelia tied her mount to one of the smaller rocks.

"For this mission, though, we will be proceeding on foot," she added, pulling a lance off the holster attached to her saddle.

"Joy," I groaned. "Nothing I love more than walking through the desert."

We walked for about an hour before we found a sign of the pursuing Plegians in the form of tracks near some more rocks, and another hour before we found where they were camped near one of the small oases dotting the dusty landscape. Cordelia and I hung back, watching their movements and trying to get a feel for the situation.

Near as I could tell, we were looking at four conscripts. Desert natives, judging from the tone of their skin and the way they had moved through the dunes following the oases, but not fully trained like the Ylissean Knights or Plegian Guerillas.

"What's the call?" I muttered to Cordelia. "If it's only four of them we can probably take them…"

She nodded, humming thoughtfully.

"Yes, but they appear to be moving away from the camp," she whispered back. "I'd rather not fight if at all possible."

I blinked a few times, trying to focus on the camp from such a distance. Were they… looking in our direction?

Oh shit, they were definitely looking in our direction! But what had given us…

Cordelia saw their movements, too, as they started reaching for weapons and looked at me with a worried expression. Her gaze travelled a little further up from my eyes and…

The Pegasus Knight snickered, clearly trying not to laugh by clamping her free hand over her mouth.

"The light reflecting… of your head… gave us away…" she managed to say around her hand.

"Brilliant," I sighed, reaching around my back for my knives. "Just what my ego needed today."

"Like you said, though," Cordelia laughed, rising up from behind the dune we were using for cover. "We can take them."

I sighed again as I stood to join her, resisting the urge to rub at my head while my knives were stuck to my hands.

I hated this part… Even if I was starting to get good at it.

* * *

The scouting mission basically went the way I expected it to after our short scout-killing break; hours of boredom flying through the air eventually ending with us back at the camp and me shakily wandering towards my tent after again thanking Cordelia for saving me from an awkward breakfast.

For the next few days things proceeded as normal; we were planning to break camp and leave before the weekend, meaning that all my boredom-induced rostering and inventorying wouldn't be going to waste, which was nice. The fact I was throwing myself head-first into my work as recompense for my misbehavior a few nights ago hadn't escaped Chrom's notice, either, and he'd been substantially warmer to me lately than he had the day of my scouting mission with Cordelia.

Frederick still hated me, though.

And I'd been trying to avoid both Maribelle and Tharja.

The rest of the Shepherds were content to sit back and laugh, or tease me mercilessly in Sully and Virion's cases. Vaike was too jealous of the attention I was getting to say much of anything to me except curse words. Lissa wasn't entirely sure how to be acting around me right now. And… well, it had been a very awkward conversation with Ricken which had basically boiled down to where babies come from. Now the diminutive mage was avoiding me, too.

With a sigh I ran a hand over my freshly shaved head, reveling in the familiar smoothness as I returned to my tent in the evening. If nothing else, my fancy trench knives made good shaving blades.

I let out another little sigh as I walked, giving my head a shake. Too much time spent in the desert. I was starting to feel like shit.

I stopped at the entrance to my tent, brow furrowing as I noticed the light of a lamp coming from within. With a sigh I guessed this was either my 'new-and-improved-A' support with Maribelle, as I'd started simultaneously thinking of and dreading it as, or my B-rank with Tharja. And neither option seemed pleasing right now, but as I previously stated I was fresh from the bathing tent and wearing naught but my jeans and boots, so I kinda needed my vest. Or a shirt. I don't think Chrom would be too cool with me wandering around in a towel.

With a sigh I pushed into my tent, preparing for the worst.

But not being prepared for the smell that greeted me.

"Meat. Pie," I marveled, eyes locking on the plate sitting on my camp table.

It… it had to be a dream. There was no way such a perfect, golden-brown flaky masterpiece would be sitting, still steaming and fresh from the oven, on my table. No way.

…

Wait, that's right, Tharja was supposed to learn to cook here, wasn't she.

"Why good day, Ben!" Tharja said excitedly, rising up from her position on my chair to greet me. "How fare you? Enjoying this weather?"

"I'm fine, no it's freaking hot, and I think I have a pretty good idea but I'm going to ask anyway; why are you in my tent with food?"

"What, me?" Tharja asked innocently before letting out a haughty little laugh. "Whatever do you mean? Just a normal greeting on a typical day. Why? Are you concerned for my welfare, good sir?"

 _Why… is she copying Maribelle's speech pattern?_ I wondered with a sinking feeling.

"Yes," I said, crossing my arms and sinking to a hip. "Very concerned."

The way Tharja's face lit up you'd think I'd just proposed to her.

"You are!?" she cried. "How sweeeeeeet!"

Sighing and resigning myself to once again following the script I closed my eyes.

"Okay, so what do you have planned?" I asked, trying to do this as painlessly as possible.

"Of course I have a plan for you, silly-billy!" she said, reaching for the pie and single fork on my table. "Now close your eyes, and get ready for... A slice of liver-and-eel pie! That's your favorite, correct? Oh, I do so adore baking..."

"Okay, one; don't ever call me that again," I sighed. "Two; if anyone put any meat at all in a pie flan for me I'd probably marry them out of gratitude. Three; I call bull-shit on the baking thing. This is about the other night, isn't it?"

Tharja froze, her face going slack before she plastered her fake smile back on.

"Don't be silly!" she crowed, shoving a piece of pie into my mouth.

"Okay, that's tasty as fuck," I said after swallowing. "But I'd like an explanation now, please. One that does not end with you burning down my new tent, if you would be so kind."

She hesitated again before trying and failing to smile, looking down and hiding her face with her fringe. There was a tense moment of silence, in which I was pretty sure I was about to lose another tent, until Tharja spoke up.

"I… I will not lose to that blonde harlot!" she declared, looking back up to me with fierce eyes.

"And this furthers your cause…?" I asked, indicating she continue.

"I… I asked some of the… other women how… to win your affections," she admitted. "They said… that this would be the surest way. Cooking for you and… being… normal…"

 _Sumia_ , I thought, recalling the similar advice I'd given her on getting Chrom's attention back at the Palace.

"Well, hand it over," I sighed. "God forbid such a delicious pie goes to waste. And no, I can feed myself, thank you."

Tharja jumped a little before passing me the pie. I'm not ashamed to say that I inhaled the little fucker; it was amazing. It was real food! It was _so fucking good_! The Dark Mage cook stood there watching me the entire time, a small, genuine smile on her lips.

"You know," I said finally, setting the now empty plate down on my table. "Me and Maribelle… that's just a small misunderstanding that she's blown way out of proportion."

Tharja perked up at that, looking at me silently and waiting for me to go on. With a sigh I ran a hand over my head.

"Look, it was a miscommunication," I said. "She wants to do the whole political-marriage thing for the sakes of our families. I don't want to marry into nobility. I tried turning her down gently, but I think I was too gentle and she didn't get the hint. Get what I'm saying?"

"S-so…" Tharja said, drawing slightly closer.

"So I want you to stop worrying," I said. "Go back to being yourself. The spooky, sexy Dark Mage. All this cooking and chatter, while it's nice, it's not you. And… I kind of like the real you. Please don't pass out again."

Tharja swayed a little at my request/confession, giggling happily to herself.

"O-of course, dearest," she mumbled. "I'd do anything for you…"

I sighed, clicking my fingers in front of Tharja's blank eyes a few times in a vain attempt to get her attention back.

"Tharja? Tharjaaaaa? Come back to earth, Tharja!"

She swayed dangerously, giggling as she stepped out of my tent, and with a sigh I decided to let her be. It wasn't like there was any way for her to get hurt in the camp, or anyone to take advantage of her. She just needed time to process what we'd talked about.

She'd be fine. Right?

…

Right?

"Oh god I am in for some serious yandere here…"

* * *

I glanced up about from the book I was currently reading, a trashy romance novel Sumia had suggested for me that I was only reading because it was _so_ bad, an hour later when the sound of someone brushing through my tent flaps interrupted me.

Holding in a groan I felt my mood swan-dive as Maribelle, fully clothed this time, stood before me.

"Good evening, darling," she said, smiling warmly.

"Yes?" I asked, not even bothering to try and hide the exhaustion in my voice.

"I wished to speak with you, if you are free," she said expectantly.

"Speak."

"I fear I may have come on… too strong a few nights ago," she said, only hesitating to find the right word.

 _Oh, you think?_ I said in my head. _Now I just have to figure out who would give her such bad advice and light_ them _on fire._

"I was hoping to speak with you before bed, and learn more about you," she said optimistically. "About your home, and your curious way of speaking."

I nodded slowly, marking my page and carefully putting Sumia's book down.

"Okay, but only for a little while, though," I said. "I'm pretty exhausted, to tell the truth."

 _Keep the sigs, the cooks and the medics happy_ , I told myself as Maribelle nodded and perched on the chair next to me.

* * *

 **AN: I couldn't really think of anything else to add to this chapter, so… here we are. Like it? Hate it? Let me know.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**

 **Who was it that called the main character of a** _ **Self Insert**_ **story stupid? Thanks for that… I will admit that this character is a kind of caricature of me, but… it's still** **me** **. I am incredibly weak to the fairer sex, and I will freely admit that my… 'weakness' has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion when I was younger.**

 **The last chapter wasn't one of my best. Honestly? This story's how I'm killing time between work and uni. This chapter was written at the request of reader Gamerof1458. Plus, ya know, it was a good idea. I also did the little 'random music challenge' he had on his profile, and I found the results to be startlingly funny. They're on my bio if anyone else wants a laugh.**

 **Anyone else notice the changes to the Fire Emblem Wiki? I like em. Makes the site look a lot more professional, if you ask me.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every second Thursday and NOW ON ITUNES! Look us up!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part 5**

"And you are certain that this concoction will yield results?"

"Yes, Miriel."

"This is food where ya come from?"

"Yes, Vaike. My favorite, in fact."

"And… ya know that Tharja's watchin' us from the doorway," Vaike went on.

I resisted the urge to sigh as I pounded a big ball of dough between Vaike and Miriel, the mage woman having rolled her robe's sleeves up yet still covered in flour.

"Just ignore her. I invited her to join us, but I don't think that I got through to her."

We were back in Regna Ferox now, waiting for the Feroxi and Ylissean armies to muster for our counter-attack on Plegia, and all of a sudden I'd found myself with an abundance of free time. Not 'lay around all day every day' free time, closer to 'I only have to work half the day so I have afternoons off' free time. And today I had decided to take over a large portion of the kitchen in the fort Basilio was loaning us, Olivia less than impressed at having been ousted from her cooking duties. I'd also made an executive decision to try and get Vaike and Miriel to spend more time together; for some reason they were one of my favorite ships, and after the disaster in Plegia (that I knew was coming anyway) I wanted to see my squad-mates happy, even if only a little.

In short, I was making pizza and Vaike and Miriel were helping while Tharja continued stalking me.

Miriel watched raptly as I kneaded the dough, her eyes glued to my hands as she tried to copy my movements. I'd talked her into this with one of my favorite quotes "baking is like science for hungry people", and with the prospect of a whole new field of scientific discovery laid bare before her she'd lost her shit. She'd spoken at length about how fascinating the yeast reaction was in the dough, and was looking forward to seeing it in action again as the dough rose. Vaike, on the other hand, was in charge of chopping up the toppings. I'd basically given him a big pile of meats and veggies and set him loose with a cleaver that was pretty much just a small axe. Judging from the smile that kept rising to his face, he was having fun too. Although I'm pretty sure he was muttering "chop-chop-chop" to himself as he worked…

I shook my head a little, resisting the urge to wipe my dirty hands down my face as I waited for the room to stop spinning. I'd been fighting with this cold for weeks now, and I just couldn't shake it.

"Ah. Er… Ben, your assistance please?" Miriel said hesitantly. "It appears that this concoction of flour and water is a-adhering to my hands and… Ah! Remove it! R-remove it post-haste, please!"

I let out a laugh as the usually quiet mage began panicking a little, flailing her hands around with the dough stuck to them.

"I did warn you to make sure you have lots of flour on your hands," I chuckled. "What did I say? This isn't an exact science. There's not a lot you can do to fuck this up."

I pulled the dough of Miriel's hands with a firm wiping/rolling motion, similar to that of a hand massage, smirking and shaking my head. She took a deep breath, glaring at the dough as she coated her hands with a lot more flour and set back into it, a new smear of flour on her narrow face now. I turned back to Vaike, who was fortunately too busy chopping up some local sausage to notice me getting close to 'his girl'.

"Vaike I need you to mash those tomatoes in one of those big bowls," I instructed him, laying into my own big pile of dough again. "Make 'em into a paste if you can."

"Can do, boss!" he said happily, chopping his cleaver into the counter and moving to the tomatoes.

I shook my head as I continued to knead, grinning as Miriel grunted in effort as she did the same. Her hands were surprisingly small, so this was kinda hard for her.

"And crumble up that cheese afterwards! All of it! We're feeding all the Shepherds tonight, so we're going to need a lot!"

Making pizza was always a social thing for my family, so it was nice to be able to share it like this. Vaike was clearly enjoying himself, and I'm pretty sure Miriel was too. It was hard to tell sometimes with her.

We kept plodding along until finally the pizzas were in the ovens, big open-faced things made for roasting whole pigs at a time, if the size was anything to go by. Miriel was squatting in front of one of them, watching with awe as the dough cooked, while I slowly cleaned the mess that we'd made.

"I've gotta' go get some other stuff ready," I called, wiping my hands. "Vaike, keep an eye on Miriel. Make sure she doesn't crawl into one of the ovens or anything."

Vaike nodded and grinned, winking as the purpose of my leaving was clearly not lost on him.

"Preposterous," Miriel scoffed without turning to look away from the oven. "I can witness the reactions in the ingredients of this dish perfectly well without cooking myself."

She looked up, and Vaike and I burst into laughter.

For all her talk, the mage was sitting to close to the ovens and now her face was covered in soot.

* * *

I grinned a little to myself as I sauntered back to my quarters in the fort, dinner having been a greater success than I'd been hoping for. We'd wound up making more than ten pizzas with the amount of dough Miriel and I had kneaded; once she'd gotten the hang of it she'd just kept going until we'd run out of flour. At least we had bread for breakfast now, too… Olivia had been pissed, though. The timid dancer had basically become our quartermaster since she'd joined up, a role I had been more than happy to relinquish.

The pizza had been a nice little taste of home for me, slightly subduing the pangs of homesickness I got every time I thought about not having wi-fi. Next on the menu was hamburgers. I was going to turn these mother-fuckers into foodies if it killed me.

As I mentally composed a list of ingredients that I would need for burgers I missed the sound of someone racing to catch up with me until Sumia was practically on top of me.

"Ben! Ben!" she called, waving a small stack of papers around. "Wait! Be-"

I let out a small sigh, running a hand over my bald head as the Pegasus Knight tripped midway through calling my name a third time and face-planted with an impressive thud.

"Girl, do I have to put tennis racquets on the bottom of your boots to stop you falling over or what?" I asked.

She let out a little moan as I helped her back to her feet, blinking blearily as she massaged the bright red floor imprint left on her forehead.

"How do you even have any brain-cells left?" I asked.

"What?" she asked in confusion before shaking her head. "Ow. Not important! I need to know what happens to Lyn next!"

I groaned as Sumia held up the papers again, her eyes shining as she displayed my chicken-scratch handwriting on the pages. I had decided that I needed something to help me calm down while we were running around in the desert, and back home I had always turned to writing. Usually bad fanfiction. And considering that I was literally inside a Fire Emblem chip at present (to the best of my knowledge, anyway) I had decided to write up the story of Fire Emblem five to kill some time and chill out a little. I hadn't intended to show it to anyone, and I certainly hadn't intended Sumia to get a hold of it. Now I was about ten chapters deep, right at the end of Lyn's campaign, and Sumia wouldn't leave me the hell alone!

"I'm almost done! Read what you've got again," I sighed, starting to walk again.

"I'm sorry, Ben, I know I'm being a bother!" she said quickly. "But I've already read it three times, and now I have to know what happens next! I know you're busy, so if you could just give me the rough outline that would keep me happy until you finish."

"Lundgren impales Lyn with his spear, she dies cursing her mother's homeland and Florina gets sold into prostitution. The end," I deadpanned, looking directly ahead.

The second set of footsteps following me stopped, and I took a few more steps before I realized it. Looking over my shoulder I burst into laughter at the look of horror on Sumia's face. Hell, her lip was quivering and her eyes were watering up and everything.

"I'm kidding!" I laughed. "It has a happy ending, don't worry. But do you really want me to spoil it?"

She took a deep breath, calming down and shaking her head.

"No, I suppose not," she muttered dejectedly.

Ooh, she was the master of the kicked puppy look, that was for sure…

I couldn't help it… Time now to dig my own grave a little deeper.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you I had two more stories with the characters planned out?"

The resulting cacophony of sheer joy not only deafened me, but also may have given me diabetes. And several cavities.

God damn she was just so _happy_. It was sickening.

I swear, how Chrom would stomach marrying her I had no idea…

Her smile was infectious, though, and as I walked back to my room I couldn't help but grin to myself, too. Even if Tharja was doing that creepy, yan-growl that she did when I so much as glanced at another woman.

* * *

The next morning I woke with a wide yawn, scratching myself in all the regular places as I waited for my blurry vision to clear to some semblance of clarity. I gave a little groan as I rolled onto my side, massaging my oblique. It was a weird little thing I got; after sleeping on an uncomfortable bed, or in this case a wooden pallet piled high with furs, it wasn't my back that hurt but my obliques.

Yeah, I'm a special little flower.

With a second yawn I sat up, my vision having cleared enough to warrant a trip to the kitchens. It was still early morning, so I'd just go and see what we had rather than wait for breakfast. Unless Vaike had gotten to it last night, there would probably still be leftover pizza…

Pizza always tastes better the next day, just like curry.

I went through my morning ritual of relieving myself, rinsing my face and dressing, but when I went to pull on my boots I felt something strange.

There was a foreign presence in my boot.

Not a living one.

But there was something in my boot.

I wiggled my toes around, feeling whatever was in my boot move around in response.

I blinked, my tired mind not quite comprehending what was going on until I pulled my foot back out of my boot and let out a groan.

My sock was covered in mud.

Someone had filled my fucking boots with mud. Both of them. The precious boots that, like my jeans, were my last link to the world I had come from.

"God-fucking-dammit Lissa…" I growled, pulling my soiled socks off.

This officially meant war.

* * *

After my trip to the kitchen and a breakfast of cold pizza I found myself trudging towards the training ground and trying not to catch flies as I yawned. I'd stayed up half the night writing that stupid chapter for Sumia, so I was exhausted. I figured actually doing some training for the first time since we got to Regna Ferox would be a good idea; healthy body, healthy mind and all that.

Funnily enough I hadn't seen Tharja all morning, either, which made me feel equal parts relief and anxiety, if I were honest.

Just as I was starting to get the urge to skip working out and move right on to a second breakfast someone called out to me, ruining those plans before they could even take shape in my tired mind.

"Well, look at what the cat dragged in," Sully laughed, coming up behind me and thumping me hard on the back.

"Mornin'," I yawned.

"Haven't seen you on the training ground lately," Sully said excitedly.

"Yeah, I saw the way you fought and realized I could just use you as my meat-shield," I deadpanned.

"Hidin' behind the skirts of a girl, huh?" Sully laughed.

"Oh, right… you are a girl, huh," I muttered, an evil grin on my face.

…

Well, her freaking arms are bigger than my thighs! Of course I'm going to give shit for that!

Sully snorted, punching me in the arm.

"Har-har," she deadpanned. "Just for that, you get to help test this new thing I wanna try."

My eyebrow quirked up. If this was going where I think it was, I could save us a whole lot of grief here. But in doing so I would be going against my 'let the story play out' plan.

"So I got this weird new plant thing that's supposed to help you slim down," Sully started.

"Stop," I sighed. "You're just going to make yourself sick."

"How do you know?" Sully huffed.

"Trust me," I said. "Stop eating bread, cut back on the meat, up your fruit and veg intake and start running to exercise. You have my word that you'll cut down hella fast."

"You know this from experience?" she asked, somewhat incredulously.

"No, smarty-pants," I replied. "I've only ever done some half-assed weight-lifting to build muscle, I never got to cutting. My brother did it back home, and it worked for him. Swearsies."

Sully nodded thoughtfully before punching her fist into her open hand.

"Right, then we're goin' running instead!" she announced.

"Do I have to?" I moaned.

"Oh, butch up you pansy," Sully laughed. "I hate workin' out alone."

I rolled my eyes, patting my pockets to make sure I had a couple of vullenaries on hand.

I had been feeling tired lately, and I was starting to think that I was getting out of shape…

"Fine," I conceded. "Just promise me you'll feed those plants to your horse or something. Don't eat them."

"But they were so expensive," Sully groaned. "Ah, whatever. C'mon, daylight's a burnin'!"

"Yeah, yeah. What're you so gung-ho about slimming down for, anyway?"

Sully frowned and looked away from me, her cheeks darkening a little.

"Well, you said it," she muttered. "I am a girl, ya know…"

"I'm sure Frederick already knows that," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that?"

"I said if I drop dead I want a nice funeral. Lots of flowers. But I want to be naked, and I want an open casket."

Sully barked out a surprisingly loud laugh, slapping me on the back again.

"You got a weird sense of humor, but that's what I like about'cha!"

* * *

I hobbled down one of the stone hallways a few hours later, my exhausted legs barely holding me up. Sully hadn't fared much better, considering she rode her horse everywhere while I walked, but still… damn that woman never knew when to give up.

I had tried to explain to her the concept of 'too much of a good thing', but she'd just laughed and forced us to run another kilometer.

Hell, even my ass hurt! I didn't even know the muscles in my ass _could_ hurt!

With a groan I momentarily gave up, sliding down the nearest wall and sitting, waiting for my butt to stop hurting so I could walk again. The cool stone against my back was pleasant, at the very least.

I took the opportunity to study my surroundings, grinning a little to myself as I did. I was sitting in the hallway of an old medieval castle. That was the best way to describe this. Sure, it wasn't quite 'castle' sized, but it was still pretty similar in aesthetics; rough-cut stone walls, simple interior design, tapestries covering the plain stone walls. For a history geek like me, this was up there on the scale of coolness. Not to say the palace in Ylisstol hadn't been impressive, but there was just something about the Feroxi simplicity of 'function over form' that I respected.

I gave a wheezing cough, shaking my head a little.

"Crapfuck," I cursed, pushing myself back up.

I had a cold.

Four words someone with asthma and no access to life-giving puffers never wants to have to say.

I'd been trying to fight this off since we retreated from Plegia in the rain, but my late night writing session for Sumia and my early morning run with Sully had exacerbated it, and now I was well and truly sick.

I took a few steps, feeling my legs tremble as my vision blurred. This wasn't the first time I'd gotten sick at work. I once worked an entire shift with the Japanese Flu, so I knew all I needed was a few minutes to collect myself, and I could keep plodding along until it passed.

As I went to take another step my exhausted legs gave out, and as the floor came rushing up to greet my face the only thoughts in my head were ' _Isn't Tharja supposed to catch me here?_ '

* * *

I groaned, slowly rising out of the murky realms of unconsciousness and back to wakefulness. For any of you lucky bastards that have never actually passed out before, it's not like falling asleep. It's… I dunno how to describe it. When you fall asleep you wake up and go 'oh, did I fall asleep?' or 'ah, I feel refreshed!', but when you pass out I assure you that you wake up and go 'what in the name of unholy hell just happened? Where am I, where's my phone, and where are my pants?'

Okay, maybe that's just more me…

But I assure you, that's the basic gist of passing out.

So when I woke feeling better than I had since arriving in this world, it came as something of a shock to me. I lifted my hand to my head, feeling a damp cloth on my forehead.

I grinned a little and chuckled at the thought; no one had done that for me since my mom when I was a kid…

"L-lie still," a familiar voice stammered from just outside my vision. "You collapsed with… a fever."

I shifted my head and dropped my hand, catching a glimpse of Tharja looking at me from her perch on a stool next to the bed. From a quick glance around the space, it was evident that we were in her room. There was a small cauldron in one corner with ashes beneath it, and there were piles of jars and small leather bags stacked up near it, with a few books sitting open in front of them. I'd always imagined her room or tent to be messier, but we were all travelling light at the moment, so it only made sense.

"Yeah, been feelin' like shit for a while now," I sighed.

I blinked a few times before taking a deep, unobstructed breath. Whatever she'd done to me had actually trumped my asthma, too! I sat up slowly, taking another deep breath. Yep, I could actually breathe again! This woman was clearly a mage if she'd made me feel so healthy…

Or a witch…

Probably a witch.

But I didn't care! Because I could actually breathe properly again!

I could still feel the tickling sensation in my lungs, though, so I wasn't cured, but I'd definitely have to ask Tharja about what she'd done.

I glanced over at the Dark Mage, the big, thankful grin on my face faltering when I realized she was sitting there, bunched up nervously and looking down.

 _Ah, right,_ I thought, nodding a little. _In the support conversations she's worried Robin didn't want her taking care of him._

"Tharja," I gently called out to her.

She squeaked and looked up at me, her eyes wide and actually full of fear.

"Will you relax?" I laughed, before letting out a yawn and swinging my legs out of the bed. "Thank you for taking care of me. I really mean that."

"I… thought you would rather have one of the… clerics taking care of you," she muttered, dropping her gaze again.

I laughed, rising to my feet and stretching.

"One of them is trying to trick me into marrying her, the other won't stop playing practical jokes on me, and I get really weird boners around Libra," I snickered. "As far as I'm concerned you're the most qualified person to take care of me in a situation like this. So I'll say it again: thank you for taking care of me, Tharja. I owe you one."

Tharja averted her gaze further, seeming to fold in on herself.

"You're just… saying that because I took care of you…" she muttered. "No one wants the Dark Mage around…"

"Well I do," I snapped. "And no, I don't think you cursed me. If anyone's giving you shit you let me know so I can kick their asses. Now stop being so damn melancholy and help me celebrate my good health, dammit!"

She looked up at me, her wide eyes betraying her surprise now, rather than the fear of rejection I was getting so used to seeing on her face. A light pink blush rose to her cheeks as she nodded and stood up next to me.

"First, though, your reward," I added, almost as an afterthought.

Before she could do more than squeak again I turned and wrapped my arms around her in a light hug, pulling her to my chest. Every time I got close to the mage woman I found her scent intriguing; a combination of musty paper that all mages smelled like and something else, most likely the spell ingredients she used in her curses. That, combined with the heat and softness of her body under her cloak, made the experience wholly worth passing out in the hallway for.

"Thank you, Tharja," I said into the top of her head. "I mean that. It's nice to know that someone's really got my back here."

Tharja nodded, clearly flustered but grabbing the sides of my shirt anyway. I figured this was probably the safest way to get my affection for the girl across without making her pass out this time, and judging from the way I felt her relax against me, I was right. I regretted trying to rush things in the desert, but… I was actually rather fond of her. The real Tharja, not the character in a game. I wouldn't call it 'love', but there was affection there.

"Now," I said with an evil smirk, pulling back from her. "Tell me you've got a big, scary looking snake-skin in one of those pouches."

* * *

I wandered through the common room that evening, which really wasn't that much later than when I'd woken up in Tharja's room, the Dark Mage in question following only a few steps behind me. Most of the other Shepherds were lounging around, talking and laughing as they rested after dinner. Chrom was absent, as were Lissa, Maribelle and Frederick.

"Greetings, friend Ben!" Virion called out lightly. "Would you care for a spot of tea?"

"I'd kill for a beer, but I guess tea will suffice," I replied with a grin.

I beelined for the small table he was sitting at, Tharja on my heels as she had been all afternoon. Nowi perked up from nearby, moving to perch next to the table as well.

"What'cha doing?" she asked innocently.

"Drinking tea," I responded with a smile. "It's boring and dull, I'm sure you'd hate it."

There was no way I wanted to get stuck playing some weird game with her again after-

"Oh, pish-posh!" Virion interjected. "Drinking tea is most certainly not 'boring' and 'dull'! It is the most noble of drinks, and the calmest of calming after a long day. Why, without this beverage I would have gone mad years ago! I shall prepare you a cup, my dear manakete!"

"Tastes like boiled grass, you have been warned," I whispered, leaning over to talk in Nowi's ear.

The deceptively young-looking manakete giggled, both of us snapping ups straight with blank faces when Virion shot us a questioning look. As he looked back down at the tea set I shot Nowi a wink, to which she grinned.

Three cups were set in front of us and filled, but Tharja didn't take hers, instead staring at it with a mixture of curiosity and revulsion.

"Quality as always, Virion old buddy," I lied, plastering a fake smile on my face.

I'd been making a conscious effort to be nicer to him since he'd saved my ass after I'd punched that wyvern (which still made me giggle to think about). Turns out once you got through the weird speech patterns he was a nice enough guy. Not hang-out-with-every-day nice, but I was raised that at the end of the day when someone offers you a cup of tea you take it and make small talk, and there were worse guys out there to have to do that to.

Like a certain other noblewoman with sausage-curls and a penchant for tea-drinking…

"You know," I said, taking another sip of the incredibly weak tea. "I bet Virion would just love to play duck-duck-dragon with you, Nowi."

"Really!?" she said, eyes wide as she leaned with both hands flat against the small table.

"B-but of course!" Virion stammered, momentarily thrown off. "I would do anything to entertain a lovely flower such as yourself, dearest Nowi."

"Then we have to go play!" she insisted. "Right now! C'mon!"

The small woman leapt up, grabbing a confused Virion by the wrist and dragging him off out of the room. He shot me a questioning glance over his shoulder, to which I simply smiled and waved. I hadn't had to deal with it yet, but I knew exactly what the poor schmuck was in for. Better him than me; maybe now Nowi would stop bugging me about it…

"That was probably the most evil thing I've ever seen," Tharja muttered with a grin.

"It's what he gets for acting like a man-whore," I snickered, draining the last of my god-awful tea.

"So what are your comeuppance, then?" a familiar voice asked from behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder, grinning as I spotted Cordelia leaning on her spear and smiling down at me.

"Well, I've already been set on fire, so I think that's pretty fair," I laughed. "Done on your guard duty already?"

"I am," she nodded.

"Well, pull up a chair," I said, nodding towards the seat Virion had just vacated. "The show's about to start soon."

Cordelia laughed as she walked around me, leaning her spear against the wall behind her and settling into the seat. I gave Tharja an apologetic look, but she only had the slightest hint of a frown on her face. After we'd planted my little trap I'd made sure to talk to her about boundaries, and the fact that I would have to talk to other females. I'd also been sure to inform her that Cordelia and I were actually friends, so she would have to get used to it.

And that she wasn't allowed to curse or hex the pegasus knight for any reason.

"What show?" the red-head asked. "Do I want to know?"

"You'll see in a minute," I chuckled. "Make any improvements to your lance design, yet?"

"No," Cordelia sighed. "I have not had the time or the materials. The lumber in Regna Ferox is heavy. It is perfectly suited for heavy spears made for knights or foot soldiers, but I need lighter for flying."

Tharja shifted next to me, pulling a little on my sleeve. She shot Cordelia a dirty glance before speaking.

"There were some lighter trees to the south of the fort," she stated simply, looking away from the other woman. "I spotted them while I was out looking for hexing ingredients."

"Really?" Cordelia asked. "Well, I'll go and take a look tomorrow morning, then. Thank you, miss Tharja."

The Dark Mage huffed, crossing her arms. I snickered and shook my head. It was nice to see her trying to make an effort, but it was pretty easy to tell it was just because I was sitting here.

"I'll go with you," I offered. "After the shit I pulled tonight, I think some time away from the fort might do me good."

Cordelia and Tharja both shot me questioning looks, and I simply shrugged. As I bent to pick up Tharja's untouched cup of tea and brought it to my lips there was a blood-curdling scream and Virion raced back into the room, smoke still rising off of him. His hair was singed and he looked manic as he raced through the space.

"Somebody stop her before she kills me!" he screamed. "Ben I swear to the gods above that you will pay for- Oh Naga there she is!"

I grinned behind the cup as Nowi flew into the common room in her dragon form, laughing as she chased after Virion. Both of them passed through the room like a storm, leaving the rest of the Shepherds blinking and confused as I struggled not to burst into laughter.

Next to me Tharja snickered, and across from us Cordelia chuckled and shook her head.

"Naga preserve us from bored tacticians," she said.

"Oh, it gets better," I added, placing down the now empty cup.

I rose to my feet, stretching out my calves and rotating my neck, ignoring the glances I was getting.

"Ladies, I'd say it's just about time I bid you good night-"

A second, higher-pitched shriek echoed through the fort as my second trap was found. Lissa's scream was followed by another from who could only be Maribelle, and I darted away from the table and across the room as the two women came storming into the common room.

"Who would dare put this in my darling Lissa's bed!?" Maribelle roared, shaking the snake-skin I'd 'borrowed' from Tharja in her fist.

Behind her Lissa sniffled, clearly rattled by my joke.

"Don't put mud in my boots again, Princess!" I shouted from across the room, before disappearing into the hallway.

"Ben!" both women shouted after me.

I laughed as I ran, absently wondering where I could sleep that evening that would hide me from the reprisal that I was so clearly in store for.

* * *

Of course, a pissed off Frederick had been the first one to find me after my little joke. I'd made it all the way to the stables and set up a bed of straw in one of the empty stalls when he'd come storming in like he'd caught me having sex with his horse. I spent the rest of the night, literally the whole night, peeling potatoes. For her part in my little prank, Tharja was assigned to guard duty the next morning; the red-eye shift watching the walls, just for giving me the snake-skin.

Honestly, I was starting to think Frederick was a bit of a cu-

No. No, we don't say the 'C' word or the 'N' word, Ben. You're better than that.

And you drop enough f-bombs to make up for it, anyway.

And how the fuck was I supposed to know that Lissa was so afraid of snakes!?

Letting out a little sigh I stirred a pot of thick porridge that was breakfast, wiping my bleary eyes with the back of my hand. My vision had never been perfect, but I could hardly see at all right now I was so tired. Honestly, if Tharja hadn't worked her weird mystical mumbo-jumbo on me yesterday, I'd probably be dropping dead right now.

"A-are you still… okay?" Olivia asked from my side.

I grunted an affirmative, or what I hoped sounded like one, and continued to stir. I'd been up all night, and Frederick's last order before he'd fucked off was to make breakfast, too.

"I'm alive," I groaned. "I think. It's hard to tell."

The timid dancing girl nodded, her pink hair shimmering along with her clothes. If you could call them that. Usually I'd be checking her out, but at that moment all I could do was focus on two things; stirring the pot and not falling asleep in it.

"C-can I ask…" Olivia started before going silent again.

"Wha?" I mumbled, glancing up at her.

"I-it's just…" she stuttered. "The others say… you're from a different kingdom. Is… is that true?"

"Yup," I sighed. "Long way away. Nice place, but I'm startin' to like it here."

Olivia nodded, going silent again. I bit back a sigh as I continued to stir the pot of porridge. I found Olivia hard to talk to, and even harder to approach. She was… pretty. Okay, so she was painfully attractive, but I assumed that was just par for the course with dancers and stuff in this world. I'd always had trouble approaching beautiful women until I got to know them, and with Olivia's timid nature it was doubly hard.

"So…" I tried again. "You're a dancer, huh?"

"Y-yes," she squeaked.

After another moment of awkward silence she glanced up at me again.

"Do y-you… have dancers in your country?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said quickly, grateful to finally have a chance to break the ice. "I even knew a couple. One of my former girlfriends studied dance most of her childhood. It's one of those things people can do for fun where I'm from, though. Not, like, dancing-dancing, but doing it semi-professionally. And then there's always the strippers, but I don't think any of them actually want to be doing that…"

I clamped my mouth shut, realizing I was rambling, and glanced up. Olivia's eyes were wide and she nodded as she absorbed my information.

"That's amazing," she said quietly. "I'd like to go there someday and see the dancers."

"It's an experience," I said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Some of them are so graceful it's ethereal. Some of them are so flexible it's freaky. And then there's twerking. I don't understand it, but apparently it's popular, even if it is stupid looking."

"Twerking?" Olivia asked, slanting her head. "What's… twerking?"

"I really don't want to go into it," I sighed. "It's the bane of my generation. I don't like it."

"Just because you don't like it doesn't make it art," Olivia huffed.

I grinned a little as the timid woman finally started to come out of her shell.

"Explain it to me," she insisted.

"You squat and vibrate your ass," I shrugged.

Olivia blinked for a moment, trying to comprehend my explanation.

"That's it?" she asked.

"That's it."

"I do not… understand," she said slowly.

"Yeah, welcome to my world," I muttered.

"Can you show me?" she asked me.

"No," I responded instantly.

"Please?" she practically begged me.

"No!" I insisted, scooting away from her.

"Just a little!" Olivia persisted. "Just twerk for me a little!"

I glanced up with a frown, checking to make sure that the room was still empty.

"Fine," I growled, dropping my ladle in the pot. "But watch closely, 'cause I'm not doing it for long."

Shaking my head I moved to some open space, spread my feet to a little wider than my shoulders and squatted down. And then, I'm not proud to say, I started twerking.

"See, the movement's all in the hips," I explained over my shoulder. "You want to get a good movement going on in the-"

"Ben, what in Naga's name are you doing?"

I froze mid-twerk, glancing further over my shoulder. There, standing next to a crimson-faced Olivia, was a very confused-looking Chrom. At his shoulder, as always, was Frederick, who was looking at me with thinly veiled contempt.

Deciding 'in for a penny, in for a pound', I started twerking again.

"Traditional dance where I come from," I lied out my gyrating ass. "It's called twerking, and it's meant to help women attract mates. Olivia was curious-"

"IHADNOIDEATHAT'SWHATITWASFORPLEASEEXCUSEMEMILORDS!" the dancer screamed, her embarrassed voice so shrill I was afraid I'd suffered permanent hearing damage.

"I guess I'll serve breakfast on my own this morning," I said with a shrug.

"Indeed," Chrom nodded, clearly holding back his laughter as I continued to twerk.

"Please stop doing that. It sickens me," Frederick sighed, pinching the skin between his eyes.

* * *

 **AN: Little short, but this seemed like a good place to stop for this chapter. There will be even more scenes with the rest of the Shepherds in the next chapter!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note**

 **So, some stuff happened and I've been away for a little while. I'll try to keep it all short and sweet. I've pulled** _ **Future's End**_ **down for some re-working; things kinda got away from me, and I want to make sure it's perfect before I move on to the Future of Despair storyline. Expect it back up around Christmas time. I didn't win that Inkitt contest with** _ **Invisible Ties,**_ **but I did place in the top ten percent. Eighth, to be exact, out of all the hundreds of different entries. Thank you so much to everyone that voted for me. You're all awesome.**

 **Heavy Cordelia chapter this time as I give her a little character development. Both Tharja and Maribelle will also get similar treatment in coming chapters; you know, like any good harem-anime would do. Everyone gets their own little story arc in-between the important stuff. I also get a little bit, as Dr. Phil would say, 'real' with Lucina towards the end of the chapter as she and I argue philosophy. Again, I would like to remind my readers that this is a caricature of me, and at this point he's been fighting a war. So he's a little grumpy. And possibly needs a hug and a cookie.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming Podcast, new episodes every second Thursday! Find us on Soundcloud and iTunes!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Chapter the Sixth – or, 'Why am I still doing this?'**

"Ben? Be~en? Wake up!"

I let out a little groan, turning my head away from the source of my irritation.

It had been a long day after my little 'twerking' episode with Olivia. Even after literally peeling potatoes all night and then turning them into homefries for breakfast, cooking the little bastards and then choking them down (I'm a rice man, so sue me) I'd still had to fulfil my day job of tactician.

Needless to say, I was tired.

And relatively miffed at Frederick, but that was beside the point.

I'd crashed in one of the armchairs in the fort's common room after dinner, dead to the world and planning to crawl into bed when, or rather if, I woke up later.

So imagine my irritation when someone woke me up.

"What?" I growled, pulling out the word to about five times its normal length as I glared upwards.

Cordelia let out a little laugh as she grinned down at me, quirking one brow.

"You should make your way to your bed," she chuckled, ignoring my shitty attitude. "It's gotten quite late."

I let out a sigh, running a hand over the stubble on top of my head. Damn. I had stuff I was supposed to do this morning, but between those fucking potatoes and the god-forsaken rosters that apparently no one else could do…

"Sorry," I groaned, blinking groggily. "I promised to go with you this morning. I'll make it up to you."

"Oh, it's alright," she smiled. "I wound up putting it off. Setting up the forge took a little longer than I expected. We can go tomorrow morning. That is, if you still wanted to…"

"Sure," I yawned. "I have the day off tomorrow, anyway. I'll just end up sleeping through it if I don't go with you."

Cordelia's radiant smile nearly blinded me, any and all nervousness vanishing from her frame.

"Very good!" she said happily. "Oh, I meant to ask! What was this 'dance' I heard about you doing this morning? Lady Olivia seemed rather… enamored with it."

"Pray you never find out," I deadpanned.

"Oh. Um… very well then," Cordelia laughed. "Meet me at the gates at sunrise, then! I'll bring some lunch, and we can make a day of it. But you really should get to bed now."

"Yeah," I agreed, leaning back in the chair as a small sigh escaped my chest. "I'll probably catch another cold if I sleep here, right?"

Cordelia blinked a few times, her face blank before breaking into another grin.

"Just how tired were you?" she asked, indicating to my lap.

It was my turn to quirk my brow this time before I looked down and comprehension dawned. In hindsight I should have wondered why I wasn't cold sitting so far from the fire, but the softly snoring form of the young-looking manakete curled up on my lap like a cat clearly answered that question for me. Nowi mumbled something, shifting to get more comfortable on top of me and smiling contentedly from her new position. It was like someone had pulled a log out of a fire and set it on my lap her body was so warm against my legs. Strange, yet not unpleasant. The motion of her sleeping breaths, the gentle rise and fall of her modest chest, and the heat radiating through my body was seriously lulling me back to sleep.

However the single fact that this was Nowi, and she was dressed the way she normally did, made me quiver with fear.

Fear not just for my reputation, but for my very sanity. While it's true I was a fan of 'justice' over 'plot', this was… a little excessive. Even for my deviant taste.

"Well. This is… a thing," I said lamely, processing the sight. "Uh… okay. Wow. Please tell me Tharja didn't see this. Please tell me nobody saw this."

Cordelia chuckled again and shrugged, turning on her heel and grinning over her shoulder-guard at me, her long crimson hair cascading over the steel like something from a shampoo commercial.

"Don't forget, bright and early," she laughed before disappearing into the hallway that held the women's sleeping quarters.

"Cordelia!" I hissed desperately. "Don't just… damn you, help me!"

I glanced down as Nowi let out another contented sigh, wondering if it would be so bad if someone saw me like this.

I mean… it _was_ really comfortable.

I gave my head a shake, imagining the ribbing I'd get from Virion and Vaike, the dissatisfied glares from Chrom and Frederick and the-

"Oh gods Nowi, get the hell offa me!" I groaned, imagining how Maribelle and Tharja would react.

Etiquette lessons and a stern lecture or lit on fire… neither sounded appealing.

The manakete scrunched her eyes closed and snorted, rolling further into my lap in a bid to ignore me.

And crushing my balls with her shoulder in the process.

She may have seemed light, but god-damn could she put some strength behind those skinny limbs when she wanted to. A valuable lesson had been learned.

For the second night in a row, a high-pitched scream echoed through the fort. This time not from a woman, though.

"Oh-dear-sweet-Jesus-Christ-monkey-balls! Just! Kill! Me!"

* * *

The next morning I tilted my head back and let out a mighty yawn as I basked in the first rays of the dawn sunlight, too tired and cold to properly enjoy the beautiful sunrise. Despite this technically being Regna Ferox's lowlands it was still butt-fucking cold.

Fortunately Tharja was still exhausted from yesterday's lack of sleep, so the Dark Mage would not be joining us. And Maribelle was still too busy consoling Lissa, meaning I didn't have to deal with her, either! I was free to enjoy the day without having to behave myself.

My breath misted in front of me as I tried to blink the sleep from my eyes, stifling a second yawn as I pulled the simple brown cloak I'd thrown on over my clothes tighter around my shoulders. I was really starting to realize just how little I technically owned. Literally all of my possessions were currently strapped to or hanging off of me, including my clothes.

I had my jeans and boots, both starting to get a little rough around the edges from the constant wear; I still had the shirt I'd gotten from the villagers in Southtown, and the vest I'd picked up for my use in Plegia; and on top of that I had the cloak I'd loaned to Lissa the first time we'd walked to Regna Ferox. Coupled with my pouch of vullenaries, my main cash-sink at present, and my weapons, this was all that Ben the 'Tactician' had to his name.

I mean, I hadn't been rich back home, but at least I'd had my own car…

"I miss my stuff…" I sighed, leaning back against the stone archway that housed the fort's gates.

"Do all manspawn talk to themselves so much? I find it a confusing trait."

I glanced up at the voice, the tell-tale phrase 'manspawn' giving away the speaker before she even stepped out of the fort.

"Morning, Panne," I yawned. "You're up early. And no, not everyone talks to themselves as much as I do. It's just the best way to get intelligent conversation sometimes."

Panne nodded seriously, a puff of white escaping her nose as she considered my words.

"I see…" she murmured.

"So where are you off to so early in the morning?" I asked conversationally.

It wasn't often I got the chance to talk to Panne. She was almost as bad as Lon'qu with the whole talking to other people thing, so this was a good opportunity to get to know her a little better. Well, in the literal sense, anyway; I was already familiar with her backstory and most of her supports.

I swear I'm not a furry.

"Hunting," she answered simply, almost lazily, as she eyed the surrounding forest eagerly.

"You eat meat?" I asked incredulously. "I thought you were a rabbit."

Her red eyes, exactly like those of the animal she so resembled, narrowed as she spun to face me.

"I mean, uh, I thought you ate like a rabbit," I hastily amended. "C'mon, it's early."

She snorted, her glare softening somewhat as she turned back to the forest.

"I eat fresh meat," she explained. "I do not care for cooked meat. So I hunt when I have the chance."

"I can respect that," I nodded. "Nothing tastes better than something you've killed yourself."

Panne nodded, shooting me a curious look.

"What?" I shrugged. "It's not like we don't hunt where I'm from. It's no different from fishing. I just wish I had the time to do it now, but I can't get away from the fort long enough most days."

I pointedly left out the part where we hunted with rifles and scopes and all the other fun little things that modern technology has given us. The Taguel, for her part, gave me a long and piercing look as if she were judging the truth behind my words before nodding.

"I will take my leave, then," she said.

Before I could say anything else she leaned forward, planting her hands on the ground and thrusting her butt out before transforming into her rabbit form and bounding off into the trees.

"Okie dokie then," I muttered to myself. "Have… fun? That was weird."

"What was weird?"

I glanced over my shoulder to the darkened gateway that Cordelia was emerging from, all smiles as she held a basket in one hand and an axe in the other.

"Ah nothing," I sighed. "Give me the axe and let's go kill us a tree."

* * *

"Ooooooh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day! I cut down trees and I eat my lunch! I go to the lava-tree, hey!"

I sang as I strutted through the forest, the wood-cutting axe resting on my shoulder as Cordelia followed, chuckling at my strange behavior. I liked to sing when I cut down wood, so what?

"You truly are a strange man," Cordelia laughed.

"Lumberjack happens to be a specialty of my people," I grinned over my shoulder. "Plus, I'm out of the fort where everyone is pissed off at me. Of course I'm in a good mood."

"Well, it was your fault for pulling those jokes," the Knight pointed out.

"Yeah, well all work and no play makes Ben a dull boy," I snorted. "Besides, I heard you laughing, too."

"Yes, I didn't say they weren't amusing jokes," Cordelia chuckled, rolling her eyes.

We walked along in companionable silence for a little while, and I took the chance to soak in the natural surroundings. I will admit that before I'd come to this world I had done little outdoors activities; the occasional hike punctuated by screams of 'nature sucks!' as I schlepped through the bushlands near home was about it. But I'd always liked evergreen forests. My extended family had a few properties in the great white north where we did all kinds of fun shit like hunt and ride snowmobiles, and admittedly I found myself drawn more to the frozen forests of 'home'.

The forests of Regna Ferox, just like the first time I'd seen them, reminded me a lot of those in Canada. Pine trees as well as all the others we didn't get in Australia were everywhere, the earth beneath our feet a carpet of fragrant pine needles that surrounded us with their scent as we broke them beneath our boots. I assumed it was late fall now due to the cooler temperature, even though we were lower in altitude than the parts of Regna Ferox I'd seen snow in before.

It was pleasant, idyllic, and beautiful. And I'm by no means a nature man, so when I say it you know that shit's nice.

It could also have just been the company I found myself in, though.

"So, I've said a lot about myself so far," I started conversationally. "Tell me about you."

Cordelia glanced up, the easy smile she'd been wearing since we left the fort abating somewhat as her brow furrowed at the odd request I'd made. I probably could have worded my request better but… eh? I'm not exactly eloquent in speech; my skills lie in the pen.

"There is not much to tell," she said. "I am the daughter of minor Ylissean nobility, which is why it was so easy for me to become a squire. I grew up in Ylisstol with Sumia and many of the other Shepherds, started my squire training as soon as I could and became a knight."

"You're right, that wasn't much," I agreed after a moment of silence. "But you've got to at least have some funny stories. My brother was in the army and he hated his basic training, but he still came back with a shit-ton of funny stories about it."

"I… took my studies very seriously," Cordelia said. "I am afraid I am somewhat a boring stick in the mud."

She looked away from me, frowning a little.

"Okay," I said slowly. "What was it like growing up in Ylisstol, then?"

"Why are you asking so many questions?" she snapped suddenly.

I stopped walking, letting her get a few steps ahead of me before I moved to catch up. Clearly she was still touchy about what had happened to her; not surprising all things considered, but I really didn't appreciate being snapped at while I was trying so hard.

"Only idiots answer questions with questions," I said lightly, trying to play it off. "Honestly? Because like I said, I talk a lot about myself to the point where I don't really get to know the people around me. It's a character flaw. But I do consider myself your friend, and I'd like to get to know you a little better."

This time Cordelia stopped, her hands tightening on the handle of her basket as she looked at the ground.

"I… am sorry," she said slowly. "I know you mean well. It has been a… difficult few months."

"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around," I agreed. "I think I come off easiest as the outsider sticking his nose in all of this business. Poor Chrom and… Lissa… Oh. Oh! Shit."

Cordelia visibly flinched when I said the Prince's name, looking away from me again while I cursed myself as the biggest dumbass of all time. Even I had noticed Chrom and Sumia getting closer for quite some time now, thanks in no small part to me sticking them together on the rosters literally everywhere I could.

So on top of the PTSD from losing her entire squad the Pegasus Knight was also losing the man of her dreams to her best friend. Not a winning combination by any means.

"Argh, I'm such a dumbass," I groaned, slapping my forehead. "I'm sorry, Cordelia."

"Why? You have said nothing out of the ordinary," she said quickly, flashing me her fake smile again.

I hated that smile. It was a mask. You could clearly see the hurt in her eyes, even if she tried to hide it. Of course she was pining for Chrom; she always had been. To see him shacking-up with her best friend…

"Give it a rest, I already know," I sighed, running a hand over my stubble.

There was a tense moment of silence before Cordelia let out a self-depreciating laugh.

"Is it that obvious?" she asked.

"Only to your friends," I shrugged.

 _And those of us that played the game_ , I added in my head.

"And before you start panicking, no Sumia hasn't noticed either," I added. "She's too busy baking pies and pestering me for my writing."

"That is good," Cordelia said sadly. "I love them both… very much. And it does make me happy to see them happy. They are a good fit."

"Hell, I ship it," I scoffed. "But you know, that's the good thing about having friends. We listen to each other's problems. So if you wanna talk about shit, I'm all ears. I won't force you, but it might help."

I realized that I was starting to sound a bit like one of those fedora-friend-zone-douchers, but… Cordelia needed it. She needed the human interaction; I wasn't going to force her, but she needed to be reminded that there were people there for her.

If that meant I friend-zoned myself, then so be it. There was plenty more Fire Emblem poontang out there for the taking.

Cordelia, for her part, nodded and sniffled.

"Thank you, Ben," she said in a thick voice. "It is just hard to watch while… I mean… They…"

I nodded, recalling how she had acted in Frederick's support conversations and resigned myself to not getting and sandwiches as I pulled her into a hug.

"Oh gods!" Cordelia wailed into my shoulder as she squeezed the life out of me. "It's not fair! It's not fair, dammit! I love Sumia like a sister, but… but… Why, Ben, why!? It hurts so much!"

"Yeah, I know," I croaked as I stroked her hair, struggling to breathe in her vice-like embrace.

Sometimes I forgot she was a Knight, and Knights were trained to be fucking strong.

* * *

"… he was just so… stunning when he stood up to those older boys," Cordelia sniffled, leaning against my shoulder. "The way he glared up at them, cursing them as cowards while he defended that poor child, it made me fall in love with him all over again!"

She stopped, cramming the sandwich half in her hands into her mouth and chewing loudly as she wiped her nose with a handkerchief. We were sitting on a small rock in the sun while Cordelia unburdened herself of her feelings for Chrom; I knew for a fact that this was supposed to happen to Frederick, not me, but I was shipping him with Sully, so I guess Cordelia needed a stand-in. I did want her to have some closure in the matter, even if it was just spilling her guts to someone.

I longingly eyed the last sandwich as Cordelia reached into the basket for it, giving another long sniffle as she took a huge bite out of it.

I felt my heart break as I watched lunch devoured in front of me. I won't lie.

"I mean, he's just so… perfect!" she swooned. "His sense of justice and… and… his heroic bearing… and… and the way his cape flaps in the wind…"

I resisted the urge to snicker, maintaining a straight face and nodding attentively.

Cordelia finally trailed off, letting out a long sigh.

"Thank you, Ben," she said, her true smile finally returning to her face. "I know I rambled for quite some time. I do feel slightly better now, though."

"Good," I said, clapping my hands and standing. "Now, here's the plan! We go find the perfect tree, chop it the fuck down, go back to the fort and eat a shit-load of sweet stuff while thinking of ways to get you over Chrom! Usually this would call for ice cream, but I think that all we have is some kind of weird Feroxi pudding."

Cordelia snorted, dusting the crumbs off her lap and rising to her own feet.

"Very well, Sir Ben," she laughed. "I will take you up on your offer. After we find the right tree."

"Then sing it with me!" I announced, holding the axe high as I spun on my heel. "Oooooh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day- I can't hear you!"

"I cut down trees and I eat my lunch!" Cordelia laughingly sang along, bumping me with her shoulder as she trailed off. "How does the rest of the song go?"

"I dunno," I admitted. "I can only ever remember that one line."

We stopped, looking at each other and sharing a moment of silence before both bursting into laughter.

"Oh gods, my sides!" Cordelia laughed, wiping a tear away from her eye. "I don't think I've ever laughed so hard!"

I chuckled and shook my head as we walked, grinning to myself. It always felt good to cheer someone up, and I was riding that self-satisfied high that comes after doing such.

I felt pretty damn good about myself right now.

We continued to joke around until we found the trees that Tharja had told us about the other day, Cordelia acting like a kid in a candy store as we wandered around the copse looking for the perfect one to become her new lance. We settled on a large sapling, or a small tree; I don't know, I was a lit major, not an ecology major. I chopped that little fucker down in like three swings, and off we went.

At Cordelia's urging we took a small detour to the east, where apparently the forest came out onto a road that it would be easier to drag the tree along. Hell, we even found that easily, coming out onto the packed earthen road after only a few minutes of huffing and panting on my part. Because I, having to ever play the gentleman, insisted I would carry the tree.

After walking for about an hour we came up on a small hamlet in a cleared section of the forest, obviously a logging settlement judging from the big mill acting as the center of the town. Deciding we needed to refill our waterskins (mine in particular, seeing as I'd been doing all the heavy lifting) we made for the well near the mill, exchanging greetings with a few of the villagers.

With a sigh of relief I dropped the little tree off my shoulder, rotating the tired joint as Cordelia filled the skins from the well. I looked around at the rough log buildings, marveling that such building techniques could be found so far away from my home, and spotted an old man chopping wood. Or, at least trying to, anyway. He was clearly having trouble with the dull axe, not to mention the fact that he was, well, old.

Given my good mood I decided to be the nice guy and give him a hand. I also needed to fill my 'one good deed for the week' quota, so I figured 'what the hell, why not?'

"Hey, do you think you can manage to get this thing back to the fort alone?" I asked over my shoulder.

"I guess," Cordelia said hesitantly. "Why do you ask?"

"I'ma give the old guy a hand," I said, holding the axe I was still carrying up. "I'll meet you back at the fort."

* * *

I let out a breath, stepping back from the stump. Off to one side was a pretty decent pile of quartered logs, if I did say so myself. I hardly had any more left to chop for the old man, so I figured it was about time for a break. Just as I sunk to sit on the leveled stump I'd been using as a chopping block for the better part of the afternoon a flash of blue caught my eye from the trees, making me internally curse and wish once again that I had my glasses.

Whatever. I didn't care who it was. A few of the Shepherds wore blue or, in Chrom's case, had blue hair. If it was someone coming to kill me, I'd just spent all afternoon working on my accuracy with an axe that was still resting in my main hand, so either way I was ready for anything.

"You may as well come out," I called. "I know you're there."

I internally cursed again as Lucina stepped out of the trees, the usual scowl she wore around me firmly in place. This was possibly the only eventuality I wasn't ready for.

"Er… Princess. Hi?" I greeted awkwardly.

She glared at me in silence for a moment before finally speaking.

"You frustrate me," she said.

"Yeah, I have that effect on people," I said, trying to keep the mood light after our last encounter in the desert.

"I find I am a very good judge of character," she went on. "Yet you… I cannot get a read on you. I find it frustrating. You treat enemy soldiers without a shred of compassion, executing wounded men that no longer pose a threat. You create weapons to strike fear into your foes, weapons that do horrendous damage in your hands, and revel in it. Yet here I find you chopping wood for an elderly couple so they do not freeze, mere hours after comforting Lady Cordelia. I do not understand your logic."

"Oh?" I prompted, sipping from my almost empty waterskin. "Geez, are you stalking me or what? Well, you don't have to like me. Hell, half the time even I don't even like me. You just have to trust that I'm working toward the same end you are."

"I want to understand you," Lucina persisted. "I cannot fully trust you until I do."

"Too bad," I grunted dismissively. "Talking to you gives me a headache."

"All the same," she insisted.

"Not much to understand," I shrugged, standing and placing another log on the stump.

"I do my job," I said, cutting the log cleanly in two with one stroke. "My job is killing people that are trying to kill my people, while trying to think up better ways to kill the other people. It's not pretty, but that's basically all there is to it."

Lucina crossed her arms, sinking to a hip as I placed one of the split log parts on the stump again.

"So what is this, then?" she asked.

"A hobby?" I said with another shrug. "I don't know what you want me to tell you, Princess. I'm a dick, sure, but I'm not one-hundred percent a dick. The people of Regna Ferox are Ylisse's allies, and the old guy… reminded me of my grandfather. Besides, this is a pretty good workout. I'ma be all swole and shit when I'm done."

There was a brief pause before I sagged and let out a self-hating groan.

"God, I can't believe I just said 'swole'…"

"And those men on the battlefield," Lucina persisted, ignoring my bro-speak. "I was there at the border when Lady Maribelle was rescued. I watched you as we fought off the assassins in Ylisstol's Palace. Even the soldiers in Plegia. You kill indiscriminately."

I sighed, bringing the axe down and splitting the log into smaller pieces.

"Are we really going to have this conversation?" I asked exasperatedly.

"You are my father's closest vassal," Lucina insisted. "I wish to understand you."

"So you've said," I shook my head, placing a fresh log on the stump.

I hesitated before chopping the log, letting out a long sigh.

"'For a wounded man shall say to his assailant 'if I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven'. Such is the rule of honor'," I said, quoting one of my favorite Lamb of God songs as I brought the axe down again. "I don't kill indiscriminately; mercy is a mistake. I like to think that if people hurt me once, or even try to hurt me, they're liable to do it again. It's better not to give them the chance."

"That's a horrible way to live your life," Lucina said seriously.

I snorted, setting up the next log. I was almost done, and I really wanted to get back to the fort before nightfall. Preferably before Cordelia ate all the pudding without me.

"Please," I scoffed. "I'm not some sheltered noble or amnesiac tactician. I'm a real person, with all the baggage that entails. I've lived in the real world, seen its dark side. I've had to stress about where my next meal was coming from. Where I was going to sleep. I've been hurt by people I trusted before, and honestly this whole kill or be killed thing is a lot easier. People are being up-front about it, not trying to get around to your back to stab you. Sure, there's still some good in people here; hell, I'm surrounded by it all day long back at that fort. But it's too little. Too few and far between."

I punctuated the sentence by bringing the axe down again. Lucina merely continued to watch me work in silence.

"Face it, Princess," I said, levelling the axe at her. "You've seen humanity in their final hours, when it was everyone fighting together out of necessity. Right? There was no room for greed. No room for avarice. I've been on the arse end of both, and let me tell you, I'd rather kill a man than give him a second chance to take another piece of me."

"Yet you fight for Ylisse, a country not your own," Lucina said, her voice starting to waver now. "You… you have defended innocents with your own life. Why…?"

I shrugged, placing the last log on the stump.

"Like I said," I grunted, chopping it cleanly in half. "I'm not one hundred percent a dick. I don't want to fight and hurt people. Every time we go to battle inside I'm pissing myself and screaming. What I'm doing now is preferable, in my mind. I'd much rather be a farmer, or a blacksmith or anything. In the end, I guess I'm fighting so that they don't have to. Just like you. We're really not so different, you and I."

I smirked, resting the axe against the stump.

"I've always wanted to say that," I admitted with a grin as I sunk onto the stump again.

"You and I may have similar goals and motivation, but that is all," Lucina snapped. "Do not compare me to a merciless monster like yourself. You see people as little more than tools, yet I am here to save them."

"Okay, ouch," I said, genuinely insulted. "That's not entirely true. And you know what we call that attitude where I'm from? A god complex. And it's not a good thing. Hell, I've probably got a little bit of one myself."

Okay, so I had a lot of one given the circumstances. Can you blame me?

"Let me let you in on a little secret here," I said, leaning forward. "You're going to fail if you keep on this path. You and all your little friends from the future. Yes, I know about all of you. Owain and Cynthia and Laurent and all of you."

"You dare," Lucina seethed, actually reaching for her blade. "Do not speak their names-"

"I'm not finished yet," I said with a cold grin. "I want you to know that you can't save everyone. This world? It's going to burn, even when we win. When, not if. That's not me being a dick, either, but the truth. Valm will be shattered, and Plegia will be turned into a country of ghosts. An entire generation of men and women wiped out in war after war after war. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing any of us can do to stop it."

"If you know this then why do you do nothing!?" Lucina thundered. "I do not understand!"

"Ruthless calculus," I shrugged. "They die so the world goes on. Hundreds of thousands for the lives of millions. Do the math, princess. I don't like it any more than you do, but those are the calls you make in the real world. Do I eat, or do they? Do these people live, or do these others? It's a horrible reality, one I am fast beginning to realize it was a mistake to take on willingly."

"You know," I went on in the silence that followed. "Before I came here I'd never actually killed a man before. Been in plenty of brawls, got my ass kicked plenty, but… never killed someone. And it was so easy. So easy it makes me sick just thinking about it, you know? And I hate myself for it. I feel my soul dying a little more with every life I take, all in the name of the greater good, and dammit if it doesn't get easier with each one."

"You are wrong," Lucina protested weakly.

"You don't sound too convinced there, Princess," I drawled. "I'll admit I'm a cynical bastard, and I honestly don't blame you for your denial. You got to see humanity's final blaze of glory, see us at our best. Welcome to our worst."

"You are wrong," she repeated, taking a few steps toward me. "And I will prove it to you."

"How?" I spat. "Valm will try to invade no matter what I do. It's only a manner of time. Plegia is one big sacrificial altar. I have no way of stopping that, either. If you want to play hero that's all well and good, but this is reality and that shit don't fly here. What do you think you can accomplish on your own?"

Well, it was a video-game that had become reality, which was really beginning to confuse the hell out of me… Maybe she could play hero and it would work out, but I wasn't going to take that chance.

"I do not know," Lucina admitted slowly. "But until I do, I will not leave your side."

"Great. See? You can't… wait. What?"

On the list of shit that I was not expecting to happen to me that day, this was right up there with Chrom and Frederick dressing in drag and doing the hula. My jaw worked soundlessly as I tried to process this, opening and closing like some miniature golf course obstacle before I finally caught up with what was happening.

"Er. No." I said finally.

"This is not up for debate," Lucina declared. "I will show you that humanity is not as far fallen as you believe it to be, and that we can still save many more than you believe. To do this I will have to be with you. And it also furthers my cause of protecting my father."

"No," I repeated. "You don't join us for another year at the very least. This is screwing things up. Majorly."

"I have already altered the timeline by being here," she argued. "As long as I keep my identity secret there is no problem. And you did ask me to join when we first met."

"Yes, that was back before I had a chance to think about stuff," I groaned. "You know what? Fine. Forget it. I don't care. Follow me back to the fort if you want to, but as soon as we get back I'm telling Tharja you molested me and you can deal with her. If you survive you'll have earned the right to join up. If not, I'll make sure your sister gets the sword when she shows up."

With that I spun, taking a few steps back towards the old man's house to tell him I was done before coming to an abrupt stop. Lucina hurried to catch up, almost walking into my back before leaning around me to see what had stopped me.

Panne sat on her hind legs in her rabbit form in front of us. Only her front was almost completely coated in blood, the remains of a deer hanging from her mouth. Like a golden retriever returning a stick she spat it out near my feet, transforming back to her human form. She smiled as she wiped the blood from her face with the back of her hand, and under normal circumstances it would have been a cute smile, but this was… well… I'm not into gore porn…

"I have been looking for you. It is best when fresh," she said happily. "Eat. I have already had my fill."

Lucina audibly gagged behind me, turning away from the haunch and covering her mouth with both hands. I squatted down, poking at the meat a little uncertainly before shrugging.

"Aw, what the hell, why not? I've eaten weirder shit," I said with a grin over my shoulder at Lucina.

I pulled one of my trench knives out from behind my back and cut a sizeable chunk from one of the cleaner-looking areas. Then, trying not to think too much about it, popped the meat into my mouth.

Lucina's cry of disgust coupled with Panne's rare happy, blood-coated smile made the whole ordeal totally worth it. Even if it did make me sick as a dog the next day.

* * *

 **AN: Shock-horror! The plot thickens! A new rival approaches! Because why the hell not!? This IS a crack story, after all. And I'm going to have so much fun with this new development…**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**

' **Grace' by Lamb of God is possibly one of my favorite songs of all time. Hearing it on the hurdy-gurdy was fucking insane. You should all look that up on YouTube. I can't post links here, but it shows up at the top with those key-words.**

 **I wanted to have this chapter up before the end of October, but apparently noooooooo, I have to study and be a productive member of society…**

 **So people are getting a little confused with my vague wording about 'harem anime'. Here's the definition of the sub-genre, straight from AnimePlanet:** _ **A harem includes three or more characters who potentially show romantic interest in a male protagonist. The sex, gender, or orientation of the harem members is irrelevant as long as they exclusively, or at least primarily, are vying for the affections of the same individual - who may or may not reciprocate towards one, several, or none of these romantic rivals.**_ **Hope that explains what I'm going for here. It's not a 'harem' story, but a 'harem-anime-inspired' story. If that makes sense. To put it simply, no the SI character will not have a harem. There will only be one main girl at the endgame.  
**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every second Thursday! Find us on Soundcloud and iTunes, and make sure you follow us on Facebook and Twitter!**

 **Read, review and Happy (belated) Halloween!**

* * *

 **Act the Seventh, or: "Just how long are they going to waste time in Regna Ferox, anyway?"**

I tromped back to the fort that evening, following the blood-smeared and happy Panne as I pointedly ignored the watchful glare burning a hole in the back of my bald head. Lucina was still following me, true to her threat from before. What this was going to do to the timeline I had no idea, but at this point in time I was tired and no longer cared.

I had blisters on my feet from walking, blisters on my hands from chopping, bruises on my ribs from hugging, and what I was pretty sure were the beginnings of some sort of parasite-driven diarrhea rumbling in my gut after eating that raw deer.

I was tired. I wanted to sit down with Cordelia, like I had promised, and eat absurd amounts of pudding while trying to cheer her up. That would be my ideal way to end this, my first day off since I arrived in the Fire Emblem world.

I was going to grab a few bottles of wine for good measure, too. Hopefully the alcohol would kill whatever was in my stomach.

As the fort came into view I sighed and stopped, my two companions looking at me curiously with varying degrees of hostility.

"Wait," I groaned. "Panne, go in through the kitchen and clean up. If you go in the front you'll cause a scene."

The Taguel blinked at me a few times, frowning as she looked down at her blood-stained clothes and fur matted with viscera.

"I do not understand," she said, looking back up at me blankly.

"Just go in through the kitchen and go straight for the baths," I pleaded.

"Very well, manspawn," Panne huffed, turning away and walking off.

I was pretty sure I could hear her muttering something to herself, but I didn't catch it. Instead I spun on Lucina, who took a defensive step back.

"I am still coming with you," she said defensively.

"I still don't care," I sighed, taking a few steps toward her and raising my hands. "Just hold still."

"Wait!" she said quickly, hopping back. "What are you doing!?"

"Seriously! Hold still!"

"No! Come no closer, pervert!"

"Oh don't give me that shit! Hold the fuck still or I'll make you sleep in the stables!"

"I will scream! I will scream at the top of my lungs!"

"Do it! I fucking dare you!"

We stopped, now a considerable distance from the fort again. Lucina wrapped her arms around her chest, angled away from me and glaring vehemently. I let out another, longer sigh and held my hands out non-threateningly.

"I'm not going to do anything," I said exasperatedly. "I'm just going to fix your hair so that no one can see your brand."

She blinked a few times, still glaring at me before sighing and taking a small step forward. I rolled my eyes as I pulled the little tiara off her head, releasing her hair and used my fingers to brush some of it forward into her face. Quickly so that I could minimize physical contact I positioned her long blue hair so that it covered half of her face and tucked the rest behind her ear before shoving the tiara into her hands.

"You put this back on," I growled.

Lucina nodded mutely, and I decided that it would be in my best interests not to mention the heavy blush on her face. I probably could have told her to do this herself, but after all the grief she'd been putting me through I, being the vindictive douche I was, felt like making her as uncomfortable as possible.

"I could have done that myself," she mumbled, placing the small tiara back atop her head to pin her hair down.

I snorted, stepping back and admiring my handiwork. Lucina's hair, while rather dirty and uncared for after living in the wilderness for so long, was still long and thick, so it did a perfect job of obscuring half of her face. I had to admit, I was getting Hanako flashbacks from Katawa Shoujo (minus the scars, of course), which was giving me weird thoughts. As much as she was pissing me off IRL, Lucina was still a very attractive woman. There was a reason I liked her so much in the fandom.

"Just remember to keep your eye covered and we'll be fine," I said, spinning away from her and making back for the fort. "Now we just have to find you a less conspicuous sword and we'll be laughing."

"I cannot fight like this," Lucina complained as she hurried to keep up.

"So pin it up when we go to battle," I said dismissively. "Just don't make eye-contact with anyone. And remember that your name is Marth right now."

"I know that," Lucina seethed petulantly. "You remember it."

"Oh, this is going to be a long night," I sighed, pinching the skin between my eyes.

I could already feel a migraine coming on.

* * *

"So, for everyone who doesn't know this is Marth. For reasons beyond my control she will be joining us for the final assault on Gangrel. Chrom, any objections?"

"Happy to have you, Marth," the Prince said with a tired smile.

He looked like shit, but that was par for the course at this part of the game. I think I'd have to give Sumia a little push into slapping him out of his funk, though.

"Alrighty, then. Everyone make nice," I said, plonking back down at the table in front of me. "What's for dinner?"

'Marth' stood nervously beside me as a wave of muttering swept through the room, the Shepherds all confused at this sudden turn of events. Chrom and Frederick had taken it in stride, though, so no one really seemed to care that much.

Except for Tharja, who was shooting daggers at the other woman from across the room as she awkwardly lowered herself into the chair next to me, but that was to be expected.

I foresaw another 'boundaries' talk in the near future.

I just needed to remind myself to keep thinking of her as 'Marth' and not Lucina in the meantime.

"Here," Olivia said cheerfully as she placed a bowl of stew in front of Marth. "It's a venison stew. Panne brought a deer back from her hunting."

I snorted, managing to hold back on the laughter threatening to consume me as Marth's face went pale when she eyed the stew.

"Er… t-thank you, Lady Olivia," she said hesitantly.

"Oh, you… already know who I am?" the dancer asked curiously.

"Y-yes!" Marth said quickly. "I… er… Ben! Ben spoke of you, and given your… attire and natural grace I assumed that you were… her. Am I mistaken?"

"N-no! Not at all!" Olivia stammered, going bright red and practically throwing my bowl down before darting off.

"Nice save," I muttered with a grin, pulling the bowl towards me.

"Shut up," she muttered back, blushing uncomfortably again.

"So, Marth," Sumia said conversationally from across the table, next to Chrom. "What made you finally decide to join?"

The other blue-haired woman exchanged glances with me, and I shrugged indifferently. Even back home I hadn't liked eating with other people, so I was currently busy stuffing my face so I could disappear again. It had been a long day, and honestly I'd had enough now.

"Truthfully, I had an argument with Ben," Marth admitted. "I am here to show him that-"

"God-fucking-dammit, it wasn't an argument, and I'm still fucking right and you know it! Fuck!" I practically shouted, losing my patience as I slammed my palms down on the table and rose.

"Tharja!" I shouted across the room, backing away from my seat before anyone could react to the outburst. "Marth's hitting on me! She said she wants to touch my no-no places!"

"I said no such th-" Marth started to say, blushing crimson.

"Help! Help! I need an adult!" I cried, darting from the room so no one would see the shit-eating grin on my face.

I could already smell smoke from behind me.

* * *

I frowned, stalking through the darkened hallways of the fort after an incredibly awkward dinner, which I had skipped out on and left Marth to fend for herself at. At this point, I was simply shit-stirring, but she fucking deserved it in my mind.

I'd left the dining hall through the kitchen, appropriating what can only be described as a vat of pudding and three bottles of the incredibly potent Feroxi wine that I remembered from last time. I was thinking that I'd be getting fucked up tonight, with or without Cordelia.

Besides, some potent booze might just kill the bacteria in my gut from the raw deer I ate earlier…

"Hey, Ben!" an excitable voice called out, stopping me in my tracks.

I turned, trying to relax my face so it didn't look like I was glaring so much, as I spotted Ricken stepping out of the room he'd chosen to share with Stahl. The little mage blinked a few times in the dim hallway before his eyes widened disapprovingly.

"Didn't Sir Frederick put a ban on alcohol while we're here!?" he asked in a hushed whisper.

I resisted the urge to curse as I put my best bull-shitting smile on for the boy. True, Frederick had placed a total ban on booze while we were camped here in the fort, although I'd noticed Chrom subtly breaking that rule a few nights when we'd first arrived. The young mage looked up at me with big, concerned eyes, clearly debating whether or not to rat me out. It wasn't Ricken's fault he was an honor student archetype character; that's just who he was. That type of person really pissed me off IRL, though, so I had to control myself a little.

"It's not for me," I admitted. "Although I really wish it was. Cordelia's had it rough these last few weeks, and it's my opinion as tactician that she needs to blow off steam before she snaps and hurts herself. Or worse, snaps on the battlefield and puts us all in danger."

"Oh," Ricken nodded understandingly. "I see. But… isn't three bottles a little excessive?"

"Are you kidding?" I scoffed. "After what she's been through I'm worried this isn't enough! You've clearly never been heartbroken, kid."

"What?" he asked, cocking his head.

"Never mind," I sighed. "Look, just keep this a secret between us, alright bro? I'll owe you one."

Ricken seemed to consider this for a moment before nodding again, shuffling awkwardly.

"Alright," he said hesitantly. "I'll keep this between us. But…"

"But…?" I prompted when he trailed off.

"Y-you have to do something for me," he said quickly.

"And that would be…?" I prompted again.

"I… I… I… I want you to teach me how to impress girls!" he practically shouted after a moment.

"Done," I said instantly. "First lesson; confidence. Be more confident in yourself. You're a mage and a Shepherd! One of Prince Chrom's elite! Own that shit! Chicks dig confidence! We'll talk more later, though. Cordelia's waiting for me."

"R-right," Ricken said awkwardly, blushing and looking down. "I, uh, I'll let you two get… to it."

"Ricken," I sighed. "I'm not going to bang Cordelia."

"What?" he said before understanding dawned on his features and his blush intensified. "Oh, I, uh, I don't mind, really! I'm not judging either of you! I-"

"Stop," I said. "No one is fucking tonight. At least I'm not, anyway. Now I'm going to leave, and we'll continue this conversation later, okay?"

Ricken nodded silently, his head moving at a speed so fast his short hair whipped back and forth.

"Okay," I repeated, moving up the hall.

I really wasn't one to give advice on picking up girls under most circumstances, but Ricken would be hitting on one of the camp girls no doubt. Which meant that I'd be able to coach him no problem. I knew half the supports by heart, anyway, and the ones I didn't at least I knew the characters well.

Besides, it wasn't fair that I was the only one cheating here. I'd pass some of that horrendously good, slightly evil luck onto anyone that asked. And just leave out the precognition part.

I snuck through the halls, chuckling a little to myself like an evil genius does, until I came to Cordelia's door. I knocked a few times – okay, so I kicked the door because my hands were full – and waited patiently, craning my neck to make sure no one saw me in the women's quarters. Cordelia, being a Knight and being that there were far more rooms on the women's side, had a room of her own. A lot of the other guys had to share, unlike me and Chrom and Frederick. I guess being tactician came with more than a few perks.

The door cracked open to reveal a pale Cordelia, her hair somewhat messy as if she hadn't brushed it. She was still wearing her breastplate, or rather given the casual surroundings had thrown it on to hide her secret shame; her small bust. I wouldn't call her out on it just yet, though. I don't think her fragile mind could take it at this point.

"Mission success," I said, passing the pudding to Cordelia and holding out the wine. "Brought these for good measure. Thought we might need em."

"Yes," was all the answer I got as Cordelia set them aside in her room.

Just as I went to follow her in someone grabbed me by the back of the collar and yanked me back out. There was a terrifying moment when I thought that Frederick might have caught me after all, until I caught a familiar glimpse of blue.

"You…" Marth growled at me, her single visible eye narrowed into a slit as she glared at me.

"Why do I smell burnt hair?" I asked with a smirk.

"You… you… pompous… arrogant… self-centered… guh… muh…"

"Yes?" I said, still smirking as I straightened my clothes.

"Smelly jerk!" Marth finally snapped, her voice shrill. "She lit me on fire! Literally!"

"Yeah, she does that to people. Happened to me too, actually. You ready to give up yet?" I asked somewhat condescendingly.

"No!" Marth shouted, literally stomping her foot in agitation and waving a finger under my nose. "Mark my words, this is not yet over!"

With that, Marth-Lucina spun and stomped away towards the bathing suite, leaving me and a very confused looking Cordelia standing alone in the hallway. I looked back at the Pegasus Knight only to find her watching Marth's retreating form with a heavy blush and a far-away look in her eyes.

"Oh, come on," I groaned, tapping her on the shoulder. "Seriously? Cordelia? Earth to Cordelia?"

The red-haired woman jumped, snapping back to reality and hastily ushering me into her room.

"I'm sorry, Ben," she said quickly, closing the door. "I… I don't know what came over me there."

"I have an idea," I muttered.

 _And I'll bet it has something to do with the family resemblance,_ I thought to myself as I reached for one of the wine bottles.

As far as I was concerned I was still far too sober to be entertaining this particular yuri-fantasy.

* * *

With a low and weak groan I turned over in my bed, blinking in the morning sunlight. Deciding 'nope' in two seconds flat I rolled back onto my face.

Birds were singing. The sky was bright and sunny. And I was hung-the-fuck-over again.

By now, one would assume I would have learned my lesson. They clearly didn't use the same purifying technology to ensure that booze was clean here, meaning wicked bad hangovers.

And it had been a long night, too. We had talked. Cordelia had cried her eyes out. We had talked some more. I think… I had cried? There might also have been some hair brushing at some point. I don't know… those three bottles didn't last nearly long enough, but they had sported some potent shit. However, I wasn't waking up naked, which was the important part. And hopefully, once she recovered from her own hangover, Cordelia would feel better too.

Now I just had to work through my own hangover.

"Oh fucking Christ, what do they make that wine out of…?" I groaned, attempting rolling over again.

"I see you are awake. Good."

I groaned again, rolling right back onto my face.

"Why are you in my room!?" I moaned piteously into my lumpy pillow.

Lucina, for her part, simply glowered at me across the room. Her hair was pinned back again, and both her eyes were showing, so she was obviously quite comfortable there, perched atop the second bed on the other wall of the room and watching me in all my stuporous glory.

"There were no others spare, and I couldn't well share with someone else. It would give my secret away," she explained, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Do not read too much into this. And if you try anything, I will kill you without a second thought."

"You're not Batman, you don't need a secret identity! Fuck off!" I groaned.

"We came to an agreement," Lucina reminded me icily. "Now I would rise and begin your morning duties. It is quite late."

"Or you'll what?" I asked, turning my head just enough to glare at her out of the corner of my eye.

She quirked one perfect blue eyebrow at me as she scooted forwards on her bed, pulling from behind her and holding up an iron pot in one hand and a matching ladle in the other as her feet touched the floor.

"You wouldn't dare," I growled, facing her properly now and narrowing my eyes.

By way of answer she smacked the ladle against the inside of the pot numerous times without an ounce of hesitation or human compassion, each blow like a hammer to my skull in my current post-inebriated state.

"Argh, alright fuck ya!" I shouted, covering my ears and sitting upright. "I'm up! I'm up! Hit that fucking pot one more time and I'll cram it up your ass sideways!"

"Very good," Lucina nodded, grinning maliciously and putting the pot down. "Sir Frederick has already delivered this morning's reports. Wash your face and we can get started."

"We?" I groaned, rubbing my face with both hands.

"I cannot very well wander around the fort myself," Lucina said, speaking like I was an idiot. "What if someone saw my brand? And I would feel like I was wasting my time sitting here doing nothing."

"Oh my god I fucking hate you so much right now," I sighed, falling backwards onto my bed. "Go away and let me die in peace!"

"Do I need to use the pot again?"

"Ass. Sideways," I growled, jolting back up. "If you think I'm joking, try it."

There was a tense moment where we stared off at each other, Marth's eyes narrowing ever so slightly as my eyebrow slowly crept upwards. After a few seconds she reached for the pot again, forcing my hand.

"Alright!" I cried, leaping to my feet and dry-retching in the process. "*hurk* I'm up! Just give… urgh… the fucking pot a rest! Where did you even get that damn thing, anyway!?"

"The kitchen," Marth deadpanned.

I think she was just making fun of me now.

* * *

I let out a mighty yawn, shuffling through the fort around lunchtime. I say 'around' because I had no idea what time it really was. I'd been cooped up doing my rosters and checking reports all morning, thanks to a certain blue-haired woman currently waiting for me to return with food while she double-checked the guard rotation rosters. I was impressed, though; what should have taken me most of the day had only taken until (what I assumed was) lunchtime.

As much as she pissed me off, I had to admit that Lucina/Marth was pretty damn useful.

 _Marth_ , I corrected myself. _Gotta keep thinking of her as Marth…_

According to the latest batch of reports the Regna Ferox clans were all assembled and waiting for Chrom's go-ahead. Which meant that it was finally time to move the story ahead. I was planning on testing the waters that night at dinner, seeing how Chrom was doing, and then sicking Sumia on him. She'd slap him, we'd all laugh, and then go back to the desert for the last mission before the time-skip.

Only for me there would be no time-skip.

"What the hell am I going to do for two whole years?" I muttered to myself as I stepped into the dining room.

It was faster to get to the kitchen, which held the food, by going through the castle's dining room. The room was being mostly unused by the Shepherds who simply ate in the common room, a few people doing some quiet reading or something similar on occasion at the big, long table. It just so happened that today Anna was counting her money there, quietly giggling to herself.

"Someone's awful chirper this morning," I mentioned conversationally. "What'd you do, scam someone?"

Her gaze snapped up, a wary glare directed at me as she shielded her pile of coins from my prying eyes. I stopped, our eyes meeting for a moment before I sighed.

"And just like that I don't care," I shrugged, making for the kitchen.

"If you really wanna know I just sold some inventory at three times the price I paid for it!" Anna said triumphantly.

I smirked, coming to a stop again. Of course she'd wanted to gloat.

 _Hello support conversation_ , I thought to myself, recalling the correct lines.

"Well, that's great!" I said, clapping my hands in mock excitement. "So long as I wasn't one of the poor bastards who fell for it?"

"Hey, if you don't know the game, you shouldn't make the deal!" Anna chided with a wink, sweeping her coins back into their pouch and laughing. "But don't worry. It wasn't you. You actually seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders when it comes to commerce…"

"Yeah, by this world's standards," I scoffed. "No one's ever said that to me before. Ever. I'm shit with money."

The merchant woman gave a deep sigh and stood, bouncing the full pouch in her palm a few times before depositing it safely back in her pocket with another contented sigh.

"Ah, there's nothing like the feeling of when the coins hit your hand."

"Yeah, whatever," I scoffed. "Can't say I'm overly familiar with having large sums of currency in my possession."

"Then you're missing out! I tell ya, the path to happiness is paved with gold!" Anna went on enraptured, tilting her head back and giving a little spin as she came around the table.

"Well, you're not wrong," I shrugged, crossing my arms. "Can't do anything without cash."

Anna froze mid-spin, giving me a surprised look.

"You really think that?" she said, relaxing and moving to stand in front of me.

"Of course I do," I laughed, grinning. "Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy things, which makes me happy. Much as I hate to admit, it's the single most important thing in the world next to air and sustenance. Both of which you can buy with money, by the way."

Anna nodded, a huge smile growing on her face.

"Go on," she said.

"What?" I laughed. "It's the truth. Give me a pile of cash over just about anything and I'm a happy camper. Hell, money can even buy love! Not, you know, the traditional kind, but something pretty damn close. So yes, Anna, I agree with you. The path to happiness is indeed paved with gold."

The plucky merchant sniffled as if she'd just been presented the Miss Ylisse Pageant crown (if there was such a thing), nodding quickly in time to the last few lines of my little spiel. It was true in my mind; cash was everything in the world, and I wasn't afraid to admit it.

"Marry me," Anna said after a moment.

"No," I said without a moment of thought.

"Aw, c'mon," she pestered, latching onto my arm. "With that mindset we could be the merchant king and queen of the whole world!"

"No," I laughed, pushing her off. "You just want me for my money."

"Guilty," she said with a wink.

"Well I ain't got none," I laughed.

I smirked, leaning forward.

"Besides, I don't think Tharja would like to share," I whispered right in her ear. "And no amount of money will undo one of her curses."

Anna gulped, paling a little and laughing nervously as she stepped back from me.

"I am a pragmatic merchant," she declared somewhat shakily. "I don't believe in superstitious mumbo-jumbo like curses! Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and find more inventory. Somewhere safe and far, far away."

I laughed, motioning to the door at the end of the long room.

"Don't go too far," I warned. "I think we're marching again soon."

Anna gave me one last wink and a weak grin before sauntering out, wiggling her hips a little more than she usually did. Probably to remind me what I'd just turned down. Admittedly, I was a little cross with myself for flat-out refusing her like that, but I wasn't a 'player' IRL by any means, so this was all getting a little confusing for me to keep track of. Besides, who'd have thought admitting my true opinion about currency would have had the effect of skipping three whole support conversations? My prior knowledge was clearly a dangerous thing…

I shook my head as I angled back for the kitchen. The last thing I needed was to add another crazy girl to the 'harem'. Things were nuts enough around me lately without adding a money-crazy kleptomaniac to the mix.

* * *

I sighed contentedly a few hours later as I shuffled around the terrain outside the fort, basking in the afternoon sun. My hangover had receded to the far reaches of my head, leaving me mostly clear and happy to just enjoy my free time.

Honestly, I was trying to work up the courage to remind Chrom what we were supposed to be doing here, but it was still a nice day.

I glanced up at the rear exit of the fort, freezing when I spotted a familiar table and parasol with two people sitting-

I spat a few random curses under my breath as Maribelle spotted me and excitedly waved me over, Lissa sipping from a tea cup across from her. With a frosty smile I stomped over, making no secret about my desire to be elsewhere.

I'd done a pretty damn good job of avoiding her lately, but I guess I'd gotten complacent.

 _Keep the sigs, the cooks and the medics happy_ , I reminded myself as I approached the table.

"Ladies," I greeted with a nod before turning to Lissa.

"Truce?" I offered.

She nodded, frowning behind her cup.

"Truce," she agreed sulkily.

"At least until the war is over," I shrugged, grinning. "Then you'd best watch your back, Princess."

"Oh-ho, so you say," Lissa said, perking up with a predatory grin. "I had yet to bring my a-game, you know."

I chuckled a little, glancing at the unusually silent Maribelle.

"It does my heart good to see the two of you reconciling like this!" she said, placing her cup down. "I'm sorry dearest, but if I knew you would be out here I would have prepared another chair!"

Lissa snickered a little as I forced a smile.

"Don't worry about it, Maribelle," I said. "I'm just stretching my legs anyway."

There was an awkward moment of silence as I shifted my weight from foot to foot, clearly none of the three of us knowing how to continue the conversation. I was awkward because I just wanted to keep the medics happy, not marry one of them. Which I guess was beginning to manifest itself in me having absolutely nothing to say at this point. I don't know what their excuses were. I honestly think Lissa was doing this on purpose.

"Well, I guess I should go look at putting together some marching orders-" I started to say.

Maribelle jumped up, hastily interrupting me.

"Wait!" she cried before settling again. "If your plans permit… I mean, if you wished to…"

"Yes…?" I sighed when she trailed off.

"I would march at your side!" she said finally. "I mean, we have not been together recently, and… I do not blame you for your absence, and my dearest Lissa needed me to be there for her…"

"Yes, fine," I sighed. "I didn't want to march at the front anyway. We can march together if you want."

 _And if it'll keep you from trying to sneak into my tent again…_ I added in my head.

Maribelle nodded, smiling triumphantly as she gracefully returned to her seat.

"Very good," she said. "I look forward to receiving the orders. Thank you, dear."

"Yeah, thank you, dear!" Lissa parroted with a smirk.

I glared at the young princess before walking past the two women and entering the fort again.

"Enjoy your tea, ladies," I said as I passed. "Be careful you don't choke on it, Lissa."

The princess snickered at my comment, Maribelle simply sipping from her own cup as I left.

* * *

In the end, Chrom hadn't even needed me to cheer him up. Apparently he and Sumia had done the whole slapping scene as soon as we'd arrived without me. I was so caught up in my own little world that I'd missed an important part of the script.

I let my shoulders droop and sighed as I walked. I needed to get my shit together.

"Whatever is the matter, dear?" Maribelle asked from above me.

"Nothing," I said. "Just telling myself to get my shit together."

We were marching through Plegia again now, clouds of dust being kicked up with every step. Fortunately, with winter fast approaching, it wasn't as hot here anymore and I could actually wear my shirt under my vest.

We'd separated from the main army, being led by Flavia and Basilio, a few days ago now. They were going to march directly on the capital, make as much noise as possible and draw out the army that hadn't deserted yet while we snuck around the back and cut the head off the snake.

And by that I meant we were going to kill Gangrel.

Our part was even simpler; it was the same basic plan, just smaller. Chrom would charge Gangrel's forces head-on, distract them, and then I'd lead a pincer attack into the Plegian flank. Plegians would die, they'd panic and lose unit cohesion, and Chrom would rush forward and kill the Mad King.

Simple.

"Why, whatever do you mean?" Maribelle asked in confusion. "Your colloquialisms confuse me sometimes."

"I mean I'm disorganized when it counts and it's starting to get on my nerves," I explained.

"Ah, I see," Maribelle said, nodding. "You must instruct me in your manner of speech. I find it most intruiging."

There was a sniff from next to me, and I glanced over to see Panne testing the air. The Taguel had been assigned to my part of the pincer and had been doing her best imitation of my shadow ever since. Something I'm surprised Tharja was tolerating, but then we had had a brief refresher on 'space' before we'd marched. Right now she was a few paces behind me, glaring at Maribelle and Panne to either side of me. And just behind her was Marth, fiddling with a simple bobby-pin I'd made to put her hair up in battle (because of course they didn't have those here…).

"I don't think you're that disorganized, Master," Ricken said from Panne's other side. "Besides, it's a sign of a healthy mind!"

I sighed, my shoulders drooping a little more. There was my third shadow; the young mage now actually calling me master. I was accumulating these people faster than I could count them now…

The rest of my squad was rounded out with Lon'qu and Olivia, both walking silently at the front, the swordsman shying away from the dancer as she emulated him, clearly too shy to be walking so close to a strange man. She stumbled on a rock, Lon'qu reaching out to steady her. It wasn't until he realized what he was doing that he let out a yelp and darted a good six feet away, eying Olivia warily as her face blazed the color of Cordelia's hair.

 _Okay, guess I know who Inigo's father is going to be…_ I thought with a snicker.

This was my pincer squad. This was what I was going to be facing Gangrel's finest with.

And I was in charge.

 _Oh god,_ I thought to myself, cold realization setting in. _We're all going to die._


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note**

 **It's been a long time since I've had such a quick turn-around on a chapter. Don't get used to it, I just really didn't want to finish my Linguistics Essay… Still don't.**

 **I find that Marth/Lucina tends to steal the spotlight pretty heavily when she's around; despite the way the SI is treating her, she is still one of my favorite characters. However I will, as I promised, be giving the other characters equal amounts of attention.**

 **Oh, and Ricken is officially a metallover-harem-member now. Aw yeah. Getting all bishonen up in that shit.**

…

 **Not really. I just wanted to freak people out. Metallover is all about the ladies.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every second Thursday! Find us on Soundcloud and iTunes, and make sure you follow us on Facebook and Twitter!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Eighth, or "From Hell's Heart"**

I grimaced a little, watching the Plegians from a distance. Gangrel had indeed swallowed our bait and taken to the field himself when word that Chrom was leading a force of Ylissean Knights personally had reached him. At least fifty heavily armored soldiers clustered around the King's Banner, that slimy little shit Gangrel no doubt right beneath it surrounded by a wall of bodies.

On top of the Royal Guard, which was simply how I was thinking of them, there were at least twice as many conscripts in front of them and at their flanks. But these men, they looked like they wanted to be there about as much as I did. If they didn't break when Chrom ploughed through their ranks, they would when my team did.

I felt kind of sorry for them, but this was a war and I was not planning on dying today.

I shuffled silently back through the bushes, leaving Lon'qu to watch the Plegians until Chrom's team attacked, just like we had planned. A little way back, just down in a small ditch behind the trees, the rest of the team was waiting anxiously.

Ricken looked up from where he was flipping through his spellbook, nervously trying to choose the right spells for our opening assault. Olivia was next to him, jittering and casting constant glances up the hill at the trees. I couldn't blame her either; pretty thing like her, I hated to think of what those Plegians would do to her if we lost. Panne, on the other hand, was as cool as Lon'qu, sitting and waiting patiently and possibly getting some sick satisfaction from watching the manspawn all so nervous. Maribelle was, for once, ignoring me as she prayed under her breath with her eyes closed. Tharja simply tracked my progress, and I gave her a reassuring smile when our eyes met. Of course she blushed and looked away, but that was to be expected. At least she clearly wasn't nervous.

I stopped next to Marth, who was sitting separate to the others, and squatted down next to her. She was fingering the grip on her new sword anxiously, despite outwardly looking cool and composed.

"Nervous?" I asked softly, hoping to get a rise and get her mind off of the impending battle.

"Hardly," she scoffed. "I am no stranger to war. I only wish I had had more of a chance to train with this new sword."

I snickered and shook my head, glancing back up the hill.

"You know, I never signed on for this," I muttered absently.

"Yet here you are," Marth said.

"Yeah," I sighed. "Here I am, shitting my pants."

Marth gave me a sideways look, obviously wondering if I was simply trying to bait her.

"Why confide in me, then?" she asked softly. "Just about all of the others would gladly shoulder your fears with you. I was under the impression you were not fond of me."

"Because I don't give a shit what you think," I snickered.

"Thank you oh so much," Marth deadpanned, glaring at me.

"Let me word that a little better," I said, holding my hands up apologetically. "I mean you know I'm not from this world, and you know I'm not a military commander. So I don't have to fake it around you."

Marth nodded, grunting a little placated.

"I admit to… having some butterflies in my stomach," she muttered after a moment.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "We got this. There's still a lot to do to save this world. At least three more years of stuff. We can't die here."

Marth gave me another glance, the ghost of a smile playing at her lips.

"It is at times like this I feel some respect growing for you," she said honestly. I even… think we could be friends."

"Friends with benefits?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows.

"And just like that, the feeling is gone," she sighed, looking away from me.

"Aw, c'mon, lighten up," I laughed quietly.

"What is it you say so often? 'Fuck off'?" Marth growled at me.

"Ooh, it's catching," I snickered, rising to my feet. "I can tell when I'm not wanted. Sit here alone with your butterflies until we attack, then."

"At least they are not as annoying," she shot back.

* * *

There was a loud roar from the Plegians as Chrom's team came into view, the Prince himself at the head of the small force with Frederick waving House Ylisse's banner beside him. I watched as a few squads of Ylissean soldiers, who had come with us to bolster Chrom's team's ranks a little, spread out into position behind the Shepherds as they marched towards the enemy.

"How come we don't get back-up?" I moaned petulantly.

"This was your plan," Lon'qu reminded me.

"Yeah, don't remind me," I sighed.

If worst came to worst Cordelia and the rest of the Pegasus Knights from Ylisse would come and save our bacon, but I was really hoping we wouldn't need it.

All of us were arrayed in the small copse of trees above the ditch now, watching carefully for the perfect moment to attack. That moment would be when all of the conscripts were engaged and we had a straight shot at the Royal Guard.

With a lusty roar the Ylisseans charged, Chrom's sword doing that cool blue flamey thing as he raced at their front.

"You know, as heroic as it is, having the commander of the army racing into battle with the first rank doesn't really make sense from a tactical perspective," I pointed out. "Neither does having the army's tactician lead a flanking force separated from the main group either, for that matter. How am I supposed to do my job from the bushes?"

"Quit complaining, manspawn," Panne said from next to me. "You are giving me a headache."

"Yeah, yeah," I sighed.

There was a thunderous clash as the two forces met, Chrom's section of the line basically decimating the Plegians before him and cutting far deeper into the enemy than any other section did. The Plegian commanders waved up the flanking units to plug the holes in their lines, and I let out a tense breath.

"Get ready," I warned them. "Weapons-checks, people. It's almost show-time."

"Are you not going to say something?" Maribelle asked from the back of the group.

"What?" I asked over my shoulder.

"Something heroic to inspire us," she explained.

"I'm sure Chrom gave a great speech!" Ricken added.

The kid's hero-worship really bugged me sometimes. I gave Lon'qu a 'help me' look, but the Feroxi swordsman just shrugged. 'Not my problem' his posture seemed to say.

"I'm not really one for speeches," I admitted, wracking my brain for a movie quote I could steal.

When Ricken and Maribelle, and even Olivia and fucking Tharja all turned their disappointed faces at me I gave another sigh and resigned myself to my fate.

 _Right, well, Age of Ultron don't fail me now,_ I thought with a sigh.

"Look, just… don't forget we're dealing with their elite here," I said lamely, put on the spot. "They're not going to be as easy as the conscripts we've dealt with so far, so fight smart and watch each-others backs. Doesn't matter what you did, or what you were before. If you go out there, you fight as a Shepherd, and you fight to kill. You get hurt, hurt em back. You get killed, walk it off."

I paused for a moment, hoping that was as epic in real life as it had been in the movie.

"We got this," I added confidently, far more confidently than I really felt.

I was pretty sure I heard Tharja swooning behind me. I snuck a glance at the others, Ricken looking motivated as fuck and Olivia much calmer now. Maribelle just looked like she was going to jump me then and there.

 _Fucking hell, it was just something I stole from a movie! I should really think up more quotes…_ I thought to myself with a grin. _What's that one from the end of Starcraft 2? Something about leaning on each other, some things worth fighting for? Gonna have to remember it for the Grima fight…_

"Well said," Marth said from my side with a nod.

"Did you practice that beforehand or just come up with it on the spot?" Lon'qu muttered, giving me a slight grin.

"I am a literary genius and you can't prove I plagiarized anything," I muttered back to him, earning a snigger in response.

As we joked around the Plegian conscripts engaged from the Ylissean flanks, and even from where we were waiting you could tell they didn't want to be there. This was the whole reason I'd let Emmeryn sacrifice herself; because it destroyed the Plegian morale.

Even if she wasn't technically dead…

Whatever, she was gone for now, and that's what mattered.

"Get ready," I said. "As soon as the last of the conscripts engage we charge. Keep a tight formation, don't let them separate us."

A chorus of affirmatives answered me as we all tensed for action.

I'd performed Shakespeare in front of hundreds of people before. I'd screamed my lungs out on-stage at metal gigs in high-school. Hell, I'd been in more plays than I could count.

But this… this feeling of nerves, it was a whole new level to me.

I felt like puking, curling up and weeping like a little girl. In that order. The only thing that stopped me was the thought that the man out there, Gangrel, stood between me and my goal. What that goal was I hadn't decided yet, but that was beside the point. I could decide if I was going home or staying here for the rest of my life later.

I heard a little gagging sound from next to me and glanced over. Marth was practically green, subtly holding a hand to her mouth.

"First time fighting people, huh?" I asked.

She nodded, clearly shaken up now.

"O-on this scale, yes," she managed.

"Yeah, me too," I sighed, standing from my crouch.

"Shepherds! For Ylisse! No mercy! No retreat! No surrender! With me, charge!"

With that I burst from the trees, already gripping my shiny trench knives in each hand as I ran. The rest of the squad behind me letting out a roar and following. We ran fast and hard, keeping to the formation I'd decided on; me, Marth, Lon'qu and Panne up front, Tharja and Ricken in the middle with Maribelle and Olivia in the rear.

I ran as hard as my stumpy little legs would carry me, snarling like an animal as we closed on the Plegians. The Royal Guard reacted slowly, and you could actually see the surprise on their faces. They really hadn't been expecting a flanking attack when our forces were spread so thin already.

My roar reached its peak as we finally reached the Plegians and I slid beneath the sword of the first surprised soldier, lashing out with my knives in a spinning attack that used my running momentum before moving on to the next. Panne just crashed into them like a bowling ball, trampling the soldiers she didn't tear apart with her teeth or claws. Lon'qu was just as destructive at my side, his precision strikes leaving a fine mist of blood in the air around him like something from a samurai movie. Marth, however, was something else. You could really tell that she was over-levelled, thanks to the time she'd come from.

If I was thinking in game terms that I hadn't had a chance to put the others through any serious grinding, so I was worried about their levels going into the first big boss fight. So far we were doing okay, considering the NPCs Chrom had roped into joining us, but…

But Marth… she was a whirlwind of destruction. Lon'qu and I locked shocked gazes as she passed us, tearing into the Plegians like a battering ram. I rolled my eyes, shrugged and steeled myself, following after her as Tharja and Ricken began their magic assault. Fire rained from the sky around us as lightning bolts jumped from soldier to soldier, dancing along the metallic surfaces of their weapons and armor. I struggled to catch up with Marth, fighting my way to her and dispatching the wounded she left in her wake.

The fighting wounded that were attacking me, I meant, not the ones lying in pools of blood on the ground. If she really wanted me to show compassion so it could bite her in the ass later, I could do that. Hell, considering the 'I told you so' I was getting ready to fire off, I _wanted_ to do it.

However, what I couldn't do was account for the way she was breaking ranks. She was the main tank, and she had just cut and left the DPS and healer behind. That shit didn't fly. Clearly she'd never been in a real raid party before.

 _Dammit, stop thinking of this like a game!_ I told myself.

"Marth!" I called.

I blocked a blow from a lance I barely saw coming, thanking Sully for making me train with her so much as I ducked beneath the weapon and drove my trench knife into the soldier's neck.

"Marth!" I screamed again. "Get your ass back in line!"

I stumbled as one of the wounded men on the ground grabbed at my leg, hardly alive but clinging just enough to annoy me. I tsked in annoyance, driving the heel of my boot into his face and crushing his nose to make him release me.

I looked up, Marth still fighting ahead of me. She was slowing, but I couldn't help but notice our lines were way the fuck behind us now.

"Princess!" I tried again. "Fall back to the line, dammit!"

This got her attention, and she finally turned to look at me. Her face was a mixture of savage rage and paralyzing terror, coated with blood-splatter and gore. Clearly she had never fought other people before, if the look on her face was anything to go by.

"Lucina!" I called again, snarling.

She finally blinked as if coming to her senses and nodded, striking a few more times against the Plegians to make some space before backpedaling. I fell in at her shoulder as she reached me, the two of us fighting our way back to the other Shepherds. Of course, the Plegians had mostly plugged the hole she'd made with fresh bodies, so we were surrounded. But I was too high on adrenaline to care.

"Push through, rejoin the others!" I shouted above the sound of battle.

She nodded once, throwing herself against the Plegians again and leaving me to cover her back as the Plegians closed in to cut us off. Again.

With a sigh I spun with my knives extended to keep the soldiers at bay. At least we were almost back to the others and then I could-

"Argh-crap-fucking-whores-on-a-boat-shit!" I roared, searing pain shooting up my leg.

I glanced down at the little prick that had stabbed me in the calf; one of the wounded that Marth had left in her wake. She turned too, her eyes widening as she took in the scene in an instant.

"Fuck! Off!" I bellowed, stabbing down into the man's eye.

He jerked twice before collapsing, leaving me surrounded by his friends. Very angry friends pissed off that I'd just killed him. I realized then that I was surrounded and, despite my orders not to, had become cut off from the others.

"Right you fuckers, who's next!?" I shouted, holding my arms wide. "Everyone line up so I can kick all your asses!"

Only I was bluffing. Grandstanding. I could hardly put any weight on my wounded leg. I was breathing heavy, asthma starting to kick in. The others were still some distance away.

I was fucked.

I was probably going to die.

But, I figured that if I was going to die I wasn't doing it alone.

I'd take as many as I could with me as I tried to look cool before I died.

As a few of the braver soldiers inched towards me with their weapons leveled I snarled wordlessly, knocking the swords and axes down with one sweep and using my good leg to propel me into them. I kicked, thrashed, bit and stabbed as about six of us went down in a pile, my trench knives fulfilling their purpose perfectly as the soldiers' longer weapons became useless in the brawl. They battered at me, smashing my head with gauntleted fists and kicking at my ribs and gut, but I just kept going.

Fuck dying like a hero. I was a cornered animal, and I was going to act like it.

I tore through one's armor with my knives and bit at the face of another long enough to distract him into dying on my knives. Someone kicked me in the side, and I gave a little hop, straddling the fucker and bringing my knives down on his face. The screaming made me sick, but I couldn't stop now. Someone kicked my hand and the knife on it was wrenched out of my grip by the blow; I barely slowed, driving my gauntleted fist into the man beneath me instead.

One of them finally got a good hit in, smashing me in the jaw hard enough to knock me to the side. I collapsed as stars passed before my vision, dazed. My body refused to acknowledge my desperate commands to get up, to keep fighting, to kill something more.

Kill… that's what I wanted to do. Kill more… take more of them with me. Cover myself in their blood so when I finally got to hell I deserved what was waiting for me…

My vision cleared and I roared again, seeing red as I forced myself back onto my knees, sweeping blindly with my knives and forcing the Plegians back a little. In hindsight it probably would have been smart to grab something a little longer from the bodies around me, but I was wounded and mad.

"Come on!" I roared. "Come on! Come on, come on, come on!"

I jerked back to my feet, my wounded left leg hanging limply as I balanced on the right. A quick glance told me that the others were still tied up trying to get back to me, Marth fighting like a monster but still being blocked at every turn. Her eyes were wild again, and I'm pretty sure she was calling my name now. I couldn't hear her, though. All I could hear was the blood roaring in my ears. I grinned, turning back to the soldiers surrounding me much more cautiously now.

Clearly the Plegians had identified me as one of the Ylissean leaders. Which was exactly why I said it was stupid for me and Chrom to lead from the front.

He and I would be having a long talk about that when I got back.

If I got back…

"Well!?" I goaded the hesitant Plegians around me. "I haven't got all day!"

I swayed, my vision fading again as I fought with my wounds to stay upright. It wasn't like in the movies. I couldn't shrug off being stabbed and cut and bludgeoned. Just a few little injuries and I was ready to pass out. I wasn't a hero, I was just a guy. But the soldiers still hesitated, taken aback by my false bravado. Which, as it turns out, was just long enough for Panne to finally crash through and put herself between me and them.

"Not one of you will touch him!" she growled.

Lon'qu moved in next, going around my side while Marth moved around the other. Each of them grabbed one of my arms while Panne distracted the soldiers and started dragging me back.

"We've got him! Do it now!" Lon'qu shouted.

Tharja and Ricken stepped forward again, blasts of fire driving the Plegians back as the Shepherds retreated.

"S-stop!" I coughed.

Lon'qu and Marth both looked down at me in shock, shaking their heads and continuing to drag me. Dammit, I wasn't crazy and I was still in charge!

"Dammit, stop!" I said louder. "Don't give up this momentum! B-back into them!"

"Shut up already," Marth growled. "We're not retreating!"

"Once Maribelle gets you back on your feet then we'll listen to that order," Lon'qu added.

I sighed and closed my eyes, the light of the magical fire too bright for my tired eyes.

It was warm, though. Pleasantly so.

On some level I knew it was bad, but I felt myself nodding off a little, my head lolling forward so that my beard rested on my chest…

I just needed a few minutes. A few minutes and I'd be back on my feet…

I felt hands dragging at me now, cold and clammy as they pulled me down. I turned my head, laughing a little as I realized the men I'd just killed were trying to take me with them.

Or I was hallucinating from blood-loss and fumes from the smoke.

Either way, as I passed out all I could think was I'd kept my promise; I wasn't going to hell alone.

* * *

A harsh, stinging sensation on my already bruised face brought me back in an instant, Maribelle kneeling over me with tears in her eyes as I coughed the blood out of my throat.

"Wake up, Naga damn you!" she wailed, balling the front of my shirt up and shaking me. "Don't you dare die on me!"

"Hit me again and I'll do it just to spite you," I moaned, forcing myself up onto one elbow.

I leaned over, spitting up blood and wondering how exactly I had received internal injuries. I didn't think I'd been hit that bad; just blood loss from my leg.

Right?

"Ben!" the healer said in shock. "You're okay! You-waugh!"

I blinked as Maribelle's concerned face was replaced by Tharja's ample chest as she shoved the blonde woman aside and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Thank the gods!" she whispered into the top of my head.

"Alright!" I groaned. "Alright! We're still on a battlefield here!"

"Actually, the fighting's almost done," Ricken said helpfully from behind the dark mage.

"What?" I asked, pushing Tharja off of me.

She gave me a hurt little pout, which under normal circumstances might have given me a little twinge in my chest, but I ignored it. I glanced up, looking across the battlefield. The small, dry field we'd been fighting in was littered with black-armored corpses, but in the distance I could still make out the forms of soldiers fighting. It looked like Plegians that Ylissean knights had run to ground and were intent on performing a heroic last stand.

"So… we won?" I asked hesitantly. "How long was I out? I didn't even get to see Gangrel!"

Tharja gave a little squeak, shoved aside by Maribelle this time as the healer took up my vision again.

"You were wounded terribly, dearest," she said, pulling me into an embrace much the same way Tharja had and stroking my head. "We almost lost you."

"Alright, enough hugging, dammit!" I sighed, pushing her off. "Ricken, help me up!"

"R-right! Yes, master!" the young mage squeaked, taking my extended hand and helping me to my feet.

"Where are the others?" I asked, clenching my teeth against the pain in my leg.

I threw one arm around Ricken's shoulders to support myself and glanced around, seeing a pathetic and sniffling Olivia not far away as she clutched her sword close to her chest. There were figures off in the distance, too, but my vision was still kinda blurry from pain and I couldn't make them out.

"Marth went nuts when you passed out," Ricken said from beneath my arm. "She led Lon'qu and Panne against the Plegians. They cut all the way to Gangrel and she…"

"Cut the sniveling coward in half," Tharja spat with relish, smiling the sexiest yandere smile I'd ever seen.

 _Oh god do I have issues if that turns me on_ , I thought with a weak chuckle.

"But she kept going," Ricken went on. "Last I saw of the three of them they were chasing down the Plegian soldiers that were trying to retreat with the knights."

"Well, I did say no mercy," I sighed. "Maribelle, can you do anything about my leg? Ricken's too short to be a crutch."

The healer nodded, taking a deep breath to collect herself before standing.

"Now that you are awake and your life is no longer in danger I can focus my magic," she nodded. "It will only take a moment."

I looked down as she knelt by my wounded leg, jumping a little when I saw the state of my clothes. Or rather what was left of them. My shirt and vest were in tatters, little more than rags hanging off of my shoulders. My jeans had a bunch of new holes in them, which actually made me quite sad. I was coated in blood and dirt, too, and looked like I'd been rolling around the battlefield rather than fighting.

Actually, come to think about it, I kinda had been…

A cool, numbing sensation spread through my leg and my hip, followed by the familiar and peculiar sensation of my injury closing as the healing magic took effect.

"You had us all so worried," Maribelle muttered while she worked. "We… thought we had lost you…"

Ricken nodded his agreement beneath my meaty arm, doing his best to look tough despite the tear-streaks in the soot and dirt on his face. I sighed, standing on my own again and ruffling the young mage's hair.

"I'm sorry," I said.

Maribelle sniffled and nodded, still focusing on my leg. Behind her Tharja watched me with moist eyes, and I was pretty sure I heard Olivia let out a little sob.

I didn't even think that she liked me that much; I'm pretty sure she was just caught up in the mood.

* * *

That evening I limped through the small tent city that had formed to one side of the battlefield, looking for the other members of my squad. The rest of the Shepherds were fine and all alive, being treated by Lissa, Libra and Maribelle in the medic tent or bumming around the camp waiting for someone to start dinner.

I hadn't seen Chrom yet, but according to Frederick the Prince was busy with the leaders of the army units we'd had with us, organizing their return to Ylisse. Which, the Knight had added, was supposed to be my job, but Chrom had been good enough to do it for me while I recovered.

I'd ordered Ricken, Olivia and Tharja to get some rest; Tharja had been a little less than willing, but with the promise of me coming back to wake her up before dinner she'd relented. Sulkily, but still. I'd wanted to let Maribelle rest, but we only had three healers, so…

So that meant that Lon'qu, Panne and Marth were all still unaccounted for.

I found Panne easily enough. I simply asked Sully in passing if she'd seen the Taguel, and had been directed to the large tent at the back of the camp. I found the tent easily enough, too; a long, rectangular tent that had been set up, easily the size of the mess tent but with no windows. A few small slits along the top to let air in were all the tent had.

"Panne!" I called, pushing the canvas aside and stepping in. "You in here!?"

I glanced around the surprisingly well-lit tent, feeling my heart stop and my blood run cold.

 _I should have asked Sully what tent this was_ , I thought, eyes widening in momentary panic.

Large tubs of water dotted the inside of the tent, as well as benches of towels and soaps. Steam clung to my clothes as I slowly turned. The sole occupant of the bathing tent, a very naked Panne, momentarily ignored me as she poured a smaller bucket of water over her face and chest, washing the day's blood away.

She glanced up when she finished, a small smile rising to her face.

I will admit, I was still not entirely used to her smile.

"Ah. Manspawn. You are awake. Good," she said, placing the bucket down and turning towards me.

Fortunately, I wasn't an anime protagonist nor a gawky teenager anymore. I was a grown-ass man. So, stealing a couple of glances at Panne's chest and perfectly toned, if a little furrier than normal, body for good measure I played it cool. If she wasn't going to make a big deal out of this, neither was I.

What? I'm a pervert, I'm not going to start lying about it at this stage of the game.

"Yup," I said, smiling back. "Just wanted to make sure you were okay. You weren't hurt today, were you?"

Panne shook her head, her long wet ears flapping back and forth with the motion. She stopped right in front of me, and I had to do my best to ignore the fact she wasn't wearing clothes. It was like she didn't even notice.

"I am unharmed," she said simply.

"Good," I nodded. "Er… carry on, then."

She nodded, smiling again before turning and going back to the tub she'd been using.

I couldn't help but notice the fluffy rabbit tail just above her butt. It was like something from a Bugs Bunny cartoon, and I couldn't take my eyes off it and the perfect, literally perfect, ass just below it.

 _Dammit, I'm not a furry!_ I reminded myself, spinning and ducking out of the bathing tent before anyone else spotted me in there.

Panne was fine in more ways than one, that's what mattered.

I stopped a few paces away from the tent, doing my best to think of where Lon'qu would be. I wracked my brain, shrugging and heading for the storage tent we kept the sword-maintenance stuff in as I replayed the scene of Panne walking away from me in my head. In slow motion. With a very, very bass-heavy soundtrack.

True to form, my guess had been spot on and Lon'qu sat in the middle of the storage tent, his sword across his lap while he meticulously cleaned it.

"Still alive?" I asked lazily as I limped into the tent.

The Feroxi swordsman glanced up from his work and grinned.

"Are you?" he asked.

"Despite my best efforts to the contrary," I sighed melodramatically. "I heard you and Marth went a little nuts after I went down."

Lon'qu shrugged, going back to his cleaning.

"She did," he stated. "I just followed her."

I nodded, smiling a little.

"Just don't over-do it, okay?" I said. "I'm sure I'll need you to drag my carcass off the field again one day."

I turned to leave at that, holding up the canvas flap to get out of the tent.

"I'm glad you're not dead," Lon'qu said before I could leave.

"Yeah, me too," I said, stepping back into the camp.

"Oh, and I noticed you can't fight worth a damn!" he called after me. "Chrom asked me to help you with that!"

"Joy," I laughed, shaking my head.

Maybe now I'd actually learn how to use a fucking sword.

* * *

When I finally found Marth the sun had set and I'd been limping around in the moonlight for about half an hour. Fortunately the moon was close to being full, otherwise I'm sure I would have tripped shuffling around the battlefield.

I found her standing there, leaning on her sword and surrounded by the bodies we'd left in the field to rot.

"This is where you were hiding," I said when I was close enough. "You're not a nice lady, making the wounded guy limp around looking for you…"

"Please," she said, her voice hoarse. "Not… not at this time."

I stopped, glancing at her a little closer.

"You okay?" I asked.

"I will be fine," she said, her voice carefully even and still not facing me. "I simply wish to be alone."

I shuffled a little closer, stepping over the corpses in my path. This… wasn't healthy. How the hell was she supposed to come to terms with what we'd done that day surrounded by corpses? I couldn't let her break here; I needed her in the next few years.

This was another reason I didn't want to fuck with the timeline. Clearly Lucina wasn't as emotionally mature at this point as she was two years from now. She had obviously needed those two years to grow and harden herself, and I cursed myself for not realizing that sooner. Now she was potentially damaged, way too early in the game. But was she damaged beyond fixing?

I had to do something. I had no idea what, but I couldn't run the risk of letting this fester.

"Do you know what PTSD is?" I asked her softly.

Marth, or rather Lucina, shook her head slightly, angling it to remain facing away from me.

"It stands for 'post-traumatic stress disorder'," I explained. "Shell Shock, Soldier's Heart, there's a lot of names for it. My brother told me a lot about it. Where I come from, it's a serious problem among soldiers. Here, too. I've already had to deal with it once since getting here. It happens when you experience a serious trauma. Something like your first big battle against living enemies, for example."

Lucina nodded silently, before sucking in a ragged breath.

"I've seen men die before," she said quietly. "I… I have even taken life before. But… today… so many died… and I killed them…"

She started to tremble, holding her hands up in front of her face. Her sword fell to the ground, clattering on the armor of one of the bodies at her feet.

"Don't try to keep it in," I warned her. "You'll just make it worse. If you try to keep it inside it'll fuck you up for the rest of your life."

"You must think me so foolish," she whispered, her voice ragged. "I am the Exalt that led the last of mankind, and… I balk at a battle like this…"

I shrugged, limping away a few steps.

"Hell, I'm going to have nightmares about this shit," I admitted. "Probably for the rest of my life. But I was expecting that when I signed on. Fucking hell, I almost died today. Nobody goes through that unscathed."

Lucina finally turned to face me at that, silent tears still running down her face.

"I'm… s-so sorry," she said. "If… if I hadn't hesitated to take life… I… I saw what happened. O-one of the… the men I let live… he… it was because of me you were hurt! You… you were right…"

"Why Princess, if I didn't know better I'd almost think you cared," I said gently.

"Do not joke!" she shouted, finally snapping and beginning to sob. "Not now! Not about this!"

Her broken sobs echoed around us, and I let out a sigh. This didn't feel like a victory; not on the battlefield, and not in the silly little fight Lucina and I were having.

"It's a coping mechanism," I shrugged, limping back over to her. "Trust me, I'm not making fun of you."

"J-just… leave me alone," Lucina sobbed.

I only hesitated for a moment before limping forward again.

"I can't do that, Princess," I said, stopping just in front of her. "You're too important to let implode like that."

"How… how can you be so… so… cold?" she asked, still sobbing. "So glib about this?"

"I've dealt with my demons before," I said offhandedly. "This is just a new demon to add to the list. Once you beat em once, it gets easier."

I sighed, looking down at the woman before me.

"You weren't ready for this," I told her. "It's my fault for forcing this on you, so I'll take responsibility."

Lucina froze and I cursed, realizing what I'd just said.

"I don't mean it like that," I groaned, running a hand down my face. "I just meant I'd help you heal."

"I do not need your help!" Lucina said hotly, glaring up at me. "This… this is my burden! I came back to save these people, not to kill them! Instead… i-instead… I butchered them…"

"Everyone needs help from time to time, Princess," I said, smiling sadly.

"Why are you being so kind to me!?" she practically shouted. "Why!? You have been nothing but a rude and arrogant jerk since I joined you, and now… now…"

"It's no fun kicking you when you're down," I admitted with a grin. "Don't worry. When you're feeling better, then I'll start fucking with you again. For what it's worth, I'm not quite willing to accept your defeat yet."

Lucina glanced up at me, sniffling again as she wiped at her face with the backs of her hands.

Christ she looked so young… A kid playing at being a soldier.

"It was a battle," I explained. "A war. Human nature at its absolute worst. That's not what I meant when we talked in the north, so I don't think it counts. So buck up. You could still beat me yet."

"You are just trying to cheer me up now," she sniffed.

"Is it working?" I asked with a grin.

"Maybe," Lucina said with a half-laugh, half-sob.

"Good," I grinned. "I need my verbal sparring partner back. It's going to be a long-ass two years as it is."

Lucina blinked, calming a little as curiosity distracted her.

"What's in two years?" she asked.

I could have lied here. I could have told her something, anything else, but that wouldn't have been fair. I needed to warn her.

"The next war," I said, my good mood evaporating with a sigh. "And it kind of makes this one look like a freaking border skirmish. On the plus side, though, we're going to pick up all your friends first."

* * *

 **AN: I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, but I needed to get the serious stuff out of the way so we can move onto more comedy during the time-skip. And really, that's what this story is all about. The comedy.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note**

 **Well, here we are at the time-skip. Honestly, I never thought this would get past one chapter, let alone get through the first story arc. I originally wrote it as a short story in, like, May last year (hence the references to the anime season of that period during the first chapter). Hell, I was never even going to post it. I should've known this would happen…**

 **But, whatever! I've got a two-year blank slate to play with now, so play I shall! Commence operation "two years is a long-ass time and I have a lot to cram into it so let's make some OCs"! It's a slightly more serious chapter this time, but I have to set up for events in Ylisstol… anyone that's been following me for a while knows the drill.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every second Thursday! Find us on Soundcloud and iTunes, and make sure you follow us on Facebook and Twitter!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Ninth, or "Why I, the protagonist, am not overly fond of formal parties, shindigs and box socials."**

I woke from a familiar nightmare in the early hours of the morning, sighing and sitting up in my bed.

It's a funny thing, waking up from a nightmare.

Quite often it doesn't happen like in the movies or anime; you don't wake up screaming, covered in sweat with wide eyes and rapid breathing. I mean, sure that does happen, but it's rare and it's never actually happened to me before.

So, when I say I woke from a nightmare, what I really mean was that I simply jolted a little and opened my eyes. That's it.

I glanced out the window at the purple sky, letting out a string of jumbled curse words as I realized how early it still was.

We'd arrived back in Ylisstol the previous evening after nearly a month of marching. I'd been so exhausted I'd practically collapsed on the spot when I'd heard the word 'bed'. I was in one of the spare rooms in the Palace, too, in the royal apartments no less. The opulent surroundings admittedly made me a little uncomfortable. It was like staying in a hotel way out of your price range. A period-themed hotel, but a ritzy one all the same.

But, Chrom had insisted. I think he was about to promote me or something.

I glanced forlornly at the large space, realizing just how used to having Marth sleeping in the same room or tent I had gotten. She was in town somewhere staying at an inn, whose name I couldn't remember, but without her the space seemed so much bigger…

Maybe if I asked Tharja would move in with me? There was more than adequate space for two, or even three in this freaking room. I'd lived in apartments that could fit in this room, for god's sake.

I sighed again, stretching and decided that if I was up, I was up and I may as well go and pester the servants downstairs for breakfast. I pulled on the shirt that the servants had provided for me, a garment of much higher quality than the one I'd gotten in Southtown, even if it was a little tight around the chest, and pulled my freshly laundered, old and holey jeans on as well. I wasn't quite ready to get rid of them yet; I'm sure someone had a needle and thread around here I could close the holes with.

My boots went on as well, starting to look a little tired themselves. That's the thing about me; I believe in a good pair of boots. I may have always been broke IRL, but I always found the cash to buy a good pair of boots every few years. The best pair I had had lasted me five years, pretty much all through high-school. This pair had been practically new when I'd come to Ylisse, so they were holding up okay in my mind. I'd get at least another few years out of them if I treated them with respect.

Love your boots, and they'll love you back.

I snickered at my stupid devotion to my footwear as I stepped out of my room, trying to be quiet. I was in the royal apartments now, and I didn't want to wake Lissa or Chrom and Sumia. Because I had totally heard her sneaking in last night; she's all stealthy-stealthy until she trips and faceplants.

I made my way down to the kitchens, trading brief morning greetings with the servants that were just starting and the ones coming off the night-shift. A big castle like this was bound to have rotating shifts. Some of the younger maids were giving me a wide berth and not making eye-contact, probably due to rumors of my promiscuity thanks to Chrom's misunderstanding about the distinction between innocent flirting and fucking. No skin off my nose, though; the big, fat, older maids were the more fun ones, anyway. Not for having sex with, god no, but they were the fun ones to talk to. Lotta sass there, I loved it. Bertha, one of the kitchen-maids that prepared the food and passed it off to the butlers for serving, was my favorite. She was this short, stocky ginger woman on the upper end of thirty that's clearly raised a bunch of kids considering the way she took none of my shit during our first meeting. Now she's become like my surrogate Auntie or something here, or she had before we'd marched on Plegia. Thinking about getting to see her again actually made me smile and pick up my pace a little.

I slowed again, composing myself when I came upon the light and noise of the kitchens. I didn't want to get in anyone's way, so I figured instead of making the scene I'd been planning to I'd just calmly go in, help myself to whatever was done, and get out of the way.

Keep the sigs, the cooks and the medics happy and all that.

Of course, that plan was shot all to hell the second I stepped into the kitchen and Bertha spotted me.

"You little bastard!" she shouted, slamming the ladle she'd been using on whatever was in the pot before her down on the counter.

"Aw, c'mon I just got back," I groaned, holding up my hands. "I haven't even had a chance to do anything yet."

She crossed the space, the other maids and cooks watching with shocked looks as the large woman stomped between and around them, gunning for me like a freight train. They, and I, let out a chorus of relieved sighs when she wrapped me in a tight mom-hug and practically lifted me off the ground.

"Do you have any idea how worried we were?" she said.

I sighed, returning the hug. A bunch of the older maids and cooks smiled along, waving greetings of their own I returned over Bertha's shoulder.

The first thing I'd done when I'd started hanging out in the castle was get to know the staff; the people that cooked my food, cleaned my clothes and otherwise took care of me. I had a lot of respect for those kinds of people that apparently most of the nobility here were lacking, and they'd taken an instant liking to me.

Why had I not mentioned any of this before? Because I'm telling the story, and it didn't directly pertain to matters before. And I'm lazy and scatter-brained, too, so sue me.

"You're so skinny!" Bertha exclaimed, stepping back and patting my stomach. "Did you not eat in Plegia? Go sit down over there and I'll bring you some food!"

"No, Bertha I don't want to be a pain," I laughed. "I'll just take something quick and-"

"Sit!" she ordered me, shoving me towards the long table that the servants usually ate at. "It'll only take a minute, and you're not the first one this morning, so it's no bother! Sit!"

I sighed and laughed a little as the busy woman went back to her pot, shaking my head and turning to the servant's table. I hesitated when I spotted the other person she'd mentioned, shrugging and deciding to chance it.

A very put-upon seeming Frederick was sitting at the other end of the table in the cream suit he wore under his armor, large bags under his eyes as he awkwardly watched the servants.

"Morning, Freddie," I yawned, sitting across from him. "Couldn't sleep either?"

The Knight snorted, shooting me a weak glare.

"No," he said after a moment.

"I guess great minds think alike, huh?" I sighed, leaning my elbows on the tabletop to support my chin.

"Usually I would reprimand you for comparing us, but…" he sighed in turn, trailing off.

"You having the dreams too?" I asked.

Frederick stiffened at my question, making me think I'd hit the nail on the head. I resisted the urge to snicker at the thought of the tough-as-nails Knight having nightmares about the battlefield keeping him awake. I couldn't very well laugh at him when I was sitting there for the exact same reason.

He glanced at me questioningly after a few seconds of silence.

"You have… nothing to say?" he asked. "No witty commentary? No crass comment?"

"Not even a chuckle," I sighed. "Not really something to mock."

"You as well, I take it?" he asked me.

"I only said as much five seconds ago," I chuckled.

Frederick grimaced, before letting out a barely perceptible sigh.

"You did, indeed," he admitted.

"You still need to get some rest, though," I suggested. "Take a personal day before you start back at work. I can cover for you if you want."

"I am not merely a Knight, I am also Milord and the Princess' butler," Frederick bristled. "I cannot 'take a personal day', as you so glibly put it."

"You'll just worry them serving them looking like that," I shrugged. "You look like you haven't had a good night's sleep since we were in Regna Ferox. Go for a long run until you're ready to drop, find a nice spot in the sun and just relax for a few hours. Alternatively, you can get plastered. Drink 'til you pass the fuck out, that'll stop the dreams."

Frederick opened his mouth to retort before closing it with a sour look on his face.

Before he could retort Bertha was hovering between us, practically dropping a heaping tray of fresh breads, rolls, jams and butter between us. I'm not ashamed to say the smell made my arse-hole cave in. There was even still steam rising from the bread it was so fresh.

"Here! Eat up!" she said, smiling at both of us. "Careful, though, it's still hot."

"Well, you twisted my arm," I laughed up at her, grabbing a roll.

I didn't even bother with the jam or butter, just taking a bite out of the rich, fresh bread. It was some sort of farmer's grain bread, full of oats and seeds and oh god I was in heaven.

Bertha laughed as I groaned in pleasure, Frederick rolling his eyes and subtly reaching for the same kind of roll I'd taken.

"Just think about what I've said, Fredward," I said around a mouthful of bread. "You can't do your job properly so exhausted."

* * *

"Come on, come on already!" Lissa cried a few hours later, tugging me excitedly through the palace hallways by the hand.

"I'm still tired, let me go back to sleep!" I groaned. "Why must you torture me so!? I thought we had a truce!"

"This isn't a joke, and that truce ended when we got back to the palace," the Princess huffed. "Just come on! Chrom and I need to talk to you."

I gave a wordless groan of protest, letting her drag me along. I'd gone back to bed after that one roll, planning to lie there and rest until sleep claimed me or I had to get up to pee. Neither had happened, and instead within ten minutes Lissa was in there and dragging me out. Fortunately I'd left my jeans on and had only had to pull on my shirt and boots again. I'd barely had time to button the shirt before Lissa had latched on to me.

"Woman, release me!" I groaned, adopting a Southern American accent. "I will not be pawed at in such a manner!"

Lissa simply laughed and dragged me into one of the drawing rooms off of the apartment, where Chrom and Frederick were waiting with two other women. One I knew as Laseta, the Chief Maid. She was a tall and slim woman, and possibly the only person that frowned more than Frederick. The frown-lines had simply become a part of her image, and they perfectly matched the tight grey bun she kept her hair pulled back in underneath that weird little bonnet hat thing that the maids all wore. The other girl, and I mean literal girl considering she didn't even look fully developed yet, fidgeted nervously next to the Head Maid. She was pretty enough, with nice (if young) features and her blonde hair pulled back in just as tight a bun. She was obviously uncomfortable in her new uniform, too.

A new girl, then.

"Ah, Ben," Chrom greeted me.

"Morning," I yawned. "Why'd you sick the squirt on me? I haven't even had a chance to do anything yet."

Laseta twitched, clearly still unhappy with my over-familiarity to the Prince and Princess. Lissa, for her part, punched me in the arm and moved to sulk at her brother's side. Frederick didn't even react. He was used to me by now.

"We're here because we need to talk about the future," Chrom said with an easy grin, indicating the table behind them.

I tentatively sat across from Chrom and Lissa at the small table, Frederick silently taking up position behind them like a frowny, tired gargoyle. Laseta left the new girl standing off to one side and served us all tea, pulling a plate of small cookies out of seemingly thin air. How the more senior maids did that kind of crap I'd never know…

"We've received Plegia's full and official surrender," Chrom said, sipping awkwardly from his cup. "It was unconditional, so we've pulled all of our forces back to the border for now. If the next King shows signs of cooperation we'll call the armies back in full."

"May as well call em back now and not waste your time," I sighed. "The next King won't make any trouble."

"Another gut feeling?" Chrom asked with a chuckle.

"Am I ever wrong?" I shrugged. "Hypothetical question, don't answer that."

Chrom let out a laugh at that, placing his cup back down on the saucer with a slight clatter. I actually saw Laseta wince from next to Frederick at the Prince's poor manners, but she remained silent.

"Well, I shall take that under advisement," Chrom said. "I was hoping you would say that, honestly. We could do with some time to rebuild."

I nodded, waiting for him to get to the point.

"I wanted to ask what your plans are now," Chrom asked after a moment of silence.

"I don't have any," I admitted. "I've got no way to get home and nowhere to go in the meantime. I was kinda hoping that if I was quiet and kept my head down no one would even notice I was still in the palace."

Lissa giggled a little as Chrom smiled and shook his head.

"I don't think that will be necessary," Chrom said. "I'd like to welcome you into House Ylisse as a retainer and an official ambassador to your homeland, if you're willing. My offer comes with an official military rank, and lodgings in the Palace, too."

"Yeah, sure," I sighed, draping my arm over the back of my chair. "I haven't got anything else going on, so sure. What's my rank?"

"Lord of Tactics," Chrom shrugged. "I wanted to give you an existing rank, but Frederick put his foot down so I had to make one up. Here's your signet ring."

"Well, you're in charge," I shrugged, taking the ring and slipping it on without much thought. "Lord of Tactics, huh? Does that mean I can, you know, do stuff officially?"

"Stuff like what?" Chrom asked.

"I dunno, you're kinda putting me on the spot," I laughed. "I'm sure I'll think of something, though. I'll run it by you later."

 _Something like reforming the entire damn military from this fucking medieval class-based shit into something that works,_ I added mentally.

"Alright, well, in the meantime I have someone to introduce to you," Chrom said, indicating to the new girl.

She let out a small squeak and rushed forward, curtseying and standing at attention next to him. I couldn't help but chuckle at her nervousness. It was adorable.

"This is…" Chrom said, hesitating.

"Elle, milord," Laseta supplied.

"Yes, Elle!" Chrom went on. "She's to be your private maid."

I blinked a few times, looking back and forth between Chrom and the girl. I'd be jumping for joy here if I had a maid fetish. But I didn't. So…

"I thought you said this wasn't a joke," I said to Lissa. "What the hell am I going to do with a maid?"

"A proper nobleman has a host of maids and butlers at his disposal," Frederick explained curtly. "Milord is doing you a great service, giving you-"

"I don't take slaves, even as gifts," I cut Frederick off hotly.

"She's not a slave," Chrom said placatingly. "She is being paid by House Ylisse for her contributions. She will just be your servant instead of mine."

I let out a heavy sigh.

"I don't need a maid," I said after a moment. "Or a butler, or servants or anything."

"Oh?" Chrom said with laughter in his voice. "I suppose you will do your own cooking and cleaning?"

"I did before," I grumbled.

I glanced up at the girl. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. No doubt working for the nobility in this world was a big honor, and a great job. And I was trampling on that.

Dammit I couldn't take puppy-dog-eyes…

"You really want to be my servant?" I asked gruffly.

"Y-yes, milord!" she said quickly.

I leaned back in my chair, sighing again.

"I don't like it, but I'll accept," I said. "Comes with the rank, I suppose. Well if we're done here I'm going back to sleep. I'll start work tomorrow."

If I were entirely honest, the thought of not having to look after myself was kinda appealing…

"Oh! Don't forget, there's a victory party tonight!" Lissa called after me. "Full formal attire!"

I froze in my tracks, glaring back over my shoulder.

"I don't have anything to wear," I tried evenly.

"I already had a suit delivered to your room," Lissa said cheerfully. "Elle will help you put it on and make any adjustments necessary."

From the way Chrom winced and sighed he looked like he wanted to attend this party as much as I did.

"Crap-fuck," I sighed.

"Attendance is mandatory," Frederick deadpanned from behind Chrom.

Both the Prince and I let out matching sighs. Lissa just giggled happily to herself, sipping from her cup to hide her grin.

* * *

"What in the name of unholy hell is this shit?" I growled.

"I-it's the suit that was prepared for you, milord," Elle answered meekly.

I let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing at my temples with the heels of my palms. We were back in my room, a brand new and freshly pressed suit sitting on my bed. Except instead of the usual suits I was used to IRL, this looked like a costume from Downton Abbey.

It looked… in a word 'uncomfortable'.

"I'm not wearing this," I said, crossing my arms and glaring at the suit.

I hated wearing a regular suit back home to begin with, and this looked a hell-of-a lot more complicated.

"B-but the party…" Elle started, trailing off when I turned my glare on her.

I sighed again, turning back to the suit. It was fucking ridiculous. A cobalt coat with gold trim, a matching vest, a starched white shirt, an undershirt, pantaloons that matched the coat with long-ass white socks that practically went up to my knees, shiny black leather shoes complete with a buckle on top… and a fucking cravat.

Nope. Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope.

"Okay, so we've got some work to do before tonight if I'm going to this thing," I said, clapping my hands together and turning to Elle. "Can you sew?"

"Y-yes milord!" she squeaked.

"Are you good at it?" I asked.

"I… used to make clothes for my sister and cousins," she said, looking down as embarrassment clouded her features. "I was often complimented on the quality of my work."

I nodded, pulling the signet ring Chrom had given me off and handing it to the maid.

"Take this as my authority as Lord of Tactics," I said. "Now listen carefully and don't fuck this up. I need a needle, some shears, dark grey almost black fabric and matching thread, the best you can get your hands on. Enough to make a vest and pants by tonight. We'll have to skip the jacket, I don't think we have the time."

Elle nodded, paying rapt attention to my instructions.

"Grab a bottle of brandy or something, too," I added, turning back to the abominable suit.

"B-brandy, milord?" Elle asked tentatively.

"You're nervous and twitchy," I explained. "I don't want you to stab yourself with the needle or anything, so a little brandy'll calm you down. The rest will be for me to try and drink away the memory of this fucking suit."

"I-it is actually quite a nice… I mean it is a very well made… you would look very handsome…" Elle stuttered, clamming up when I turned back to her.

"Don't you have a job to do?" I asked her.

"Y-yes milord!" she squeaked, rushing from the room.

I sighed, bunching up the suit and throwing it across the room. I'd need to train the kid if she was going to serve as my maid; I didn't dig the whole timid, flinch every time I looked at her type.

I crossed the room, sitting down at the drawing table and pulling out a sheet of paper and some charcoal.

She'd need some sketches to go off of if we were going to make a suit.

* * *

I had to grin as I walked through the palace that evening.

As far as 21st century suits went, I wasn't exactly wearing the most formal one. A plain dark grey vest and matching pants over a white shirt with sleeves rolled up to my elbows and a dark blue tie. The tie was my attempt to show allegiance to House Ylisse and was made out of 'repurposed' fabric from that fucking suit. The pants and vest were silk, and were actually quite well done to Elle's credit. She really knew her way around a needle. My familiar boots were on my feet, too; while the maid had been making my suit I'd been busily cleaning my boots up. They looked… not quite brand new, but the matte finish really matched the pants a lot better than those black shoes had.

I met Virion and Lon'qu outside of the ballroom that was hosting the party, my grin only growing at their reactions.

Virion was wearing the full blown suit in the style I'd rejected, only in a pale sky-blue that matched his hair. Lon'qu was wearing what I assumed was traditional Feroxi formal-wear, which consisted of a lot of furs and leather belts over his normal clothes.

The archer goggled at my outlandish (to them) dress, while Lon'qu merely nodded appreciatively.

" _What_ are you wearing!?" Virion asked aghast.

"Traditional formalwear from my homeland," I explained, trying not to laugh.

Lon'qu studied me for a moment before nodding satisfied.

"You could fight well in that," he said appreciatively.

"A lot of people have," I agreed. "In fact a great hero of my homeland, James Bond, fought all his battles in dress similar to this."

"I see," Lon'qu nodded again.

"You look… I… you cannot…" Virion stammered. "What happened to the suit we chose for you!?"

I shrugged, fingering my tie obviously and feigning ignorance. I think the illusion was ruined by the shit-eating grin on my face, though.

"You did not," the archer hissed, eyes narrowing.

Lon'qu barked out a laugh, grinning at me with even more approval.

"C'mon, let's go get hammered," I said, mostly to the swordsman.

We entered the hall, Lon'qu grinning at my side and a glowering Virion following us. The double doors were pulled open by smartly-dressed butlers, and we entered onto a landing atop a small staircase that led down into a sea of over-dressed Ylissean nobles all talking loudly in that annoying, self-important way that I was starting to get used to from nobility. A string quartet was playing in one corner of the room with Cordelia accompanying them onstage with a lute (wearing what I assumed was a dress-uniform with a stuffed chest), and a number of long tables had food at them with servers walking around carrying wine and other alcohols. Another smartly dressed man glanced at us, his gaze lingering for a moment on me before he cleared his throat.

"Presenting the Lord of Tactics, Sir Ben of Australia, and the Lords Virion of the Shepherds and Lon'qu of Regna Ferox!" the man announced in a pompous voice.

I winced as every set of eyes turned to look at us and the room grew hushed as we descended the stairs. The second the three of us hit the main floor Virion was gone, blending into the crowd and clearly not wanting to associate with the under-dressed duo.

I couldn't blame him; I'm pretty sure I heard a few arrogant snickers as we crossed the room.

I glanced around, looking for any familiar faces with a sinking feeling in my heart. Not sinking because I was in a room of strangers, but sinking because all the women were painted up like clowns wearing the circus tent. So no, it appeared I would not be getting laid that evening.

We spotted Chrom and Lissa near the center of the press of bodies with a few of the others and headed over. Chrom's smile seemed strained as he greeted us, while Lissa studied my suit with undisguised curiosity. Frederick wasn't far away, wearing a fine suit similar to, but just a little fancier than, the other servants present. Chrom was wearing the exact same style of suit I'd rejected, while Lissa had some frilly yellow and white monstrosity of a dress that looked like something from a Jane Austin novel. Maribelle and Sumia were present, too, wearing similar styles of dress as Lissa; though Maribelle's was a pale shade of pink while Sumia's was a deep cream color.

"Ben, Lon'qu, welcome," Chrom greeted, shaking both our hands.

As he gripped my hand he pulled me in close.

"I don't know where you got that suit, but by Naga I want one," he whispered desperately.

"I'll talk to my tailor," I whispered back as he stepped away.

"Princess, ladies," I said with my approximation of a formal bow, Lon'qu emulating me silently.

"What is that… clothing?" Maribelle asked, literally looking down her nose at us.

"Traditional clothes from our homelands," I shrugged with a grin. "Still want to marry me?"

"Wh… of course!" Maribelle said quickly.

"Damn," I hissed.

 _So close…_

"I think it looks amazing," Sumia said, stepping forward and taking Chrom's arm. "Where did you get it?"

"My new maid and I made it together," I said proudly.

However, a number of the nobles nearby that were obviously eavesdropping laughed at this statement. Chrom gave me an apologetic look before shooting a glare at the nobles.

"Pay them no mind," he muttered to me.

"Don't worry about it, Chrom," I said just a tad louder than I normally spoke. "In my homeland there isn't much stock put into people that rely too heavily on others to take care of them; we find them weak. It is merely a habit I have become accustomed to."

Well, it was kinda true, anyway… no one likes someone that can't take care of themselves, but putting together a suit in an afternoon by hand was probably stretching things a little. However, the subtle insulted glares my statement got were exactly what I was going for.

"I like the sound of your homeland," Lon'qu stated.

He, Chrom and I drifted a little from the girls, slowly making our way to the food tables.

"I would not try so hard to upset these people," Chrom muttered to me. "You may well find a knife in your back. Nobles here are all… very power-hungry."

"Do I look scared?" I scoffed back. "I've tried living my life trying to please other people, and it imploded on me and I lost everything. I don't care to repeat that experience."

"Yes, but I will have to bear their ire as your sponsor, as well," Chrom reminded me, indicating the signet ring on my finger.

I sighed, sagging slightly.

"Fine, I'll play nice for your sake," I groaned under my breath. "But I want to go on record as stating that I don't like it. I want at least three more maids for my trouble. Buxom, bountiful ones with nice child-bearing hips this time. And a pony. Wait, how does pony taste? Better scratch that last part until I do some research."

Chrom snorted, trying to keep a straight face in front of all his guests as Lon'qu and I chuckled.

"Where are the others tonight?" I asked a little louder as we reached the tables of food.

"Many of the other Shepherds are not quite…" Chrom started, trailing off. "They would not enjoy a party such as this. We will be having a smaller, private celebration later."

I nodded comprehension, snatching a glass of some whiskey-looking liquid off a passing server's tray and hanging back as Chrom and Lon'qu both loaded up plates.

It always came back to the social caste system here, and it was annoying the hell outta me. All of our friends weren't welcome around these posers because they weren't noble-born. It was insulting to the people that had fought beside me, and I actually felt angry on their behalf. No one here, in this room that wasn't a Shepherd, had fought in Plegia the second time. Most of the Ylissean forces had been stationed at the border, with only a few units assisting Flavia and the Feroxi as support. Tactically it made sense; they'd taken a beating during the first assault which had gone totally fubar when we'd lost Emmeryn, but most of these nobles had just sent their men and not even left the country. Most of them hadn't even left their castles. Some had even initially refused to offer their support until Emmeryn had been kidnapped.

All men were born equal; that's what I believed. I actually agreed with Walhart's philosophy on promotion through merit, which was one thing I was going to change in the military as soon as I got the chance.

Let's just ignore the part where I sort of fell into my current position through accident, rather than merit…

I kinda drifted around the tables with Lon'qu at my shoulder as Chrom excused himself to play host and greet some more late arrivals, thinking that it might just be better to down my drink and beat a hasty retreat from this party when I heard something that made me stop in my tracks.

There was a little knot of noblemen wearing military-cut coats over their ridiculous suits not far from us. The most important one, judging from the amount of gold and medals on his jacket's breast, was an overweight, balding middle-aged man, greasy with sweat and clearly already drunk. His little cronies, all quite fat themselves and practically bursting out of their own dress-uniforms, laughed along to whatever he said like a gaggling pack of yes-men-hyenas.

"Of course we lost the Exalt when we relied so heavily on Knight rejects and those savages from the north," the fat nobleman in a military-cut coat was saying loudly. "Can you believe that the Prince even allowed a Plegian witch into his personal retinue!? Imagine that!? A witch-whore from Plegia!"

The laughter that followed his statement was like nails on a chalkboard to me.

"She probably sold herself to the soldiers to get close to him," another nobleman in a similar coat laughed. "I've seen the harlot, you know. With a body like that I can't blame him for letting her in!"

I growled, already moving. Lon'qu was right at my side, his plate already forgotten on a table as we pushed through the crowd. There was a tension in his jaw that usually wasn't there, and he was subtly loosening the straps and furs, probably to throw them off if it came to a brawl.

I was probably about to seriously embarrass Chrom and get myself into a lot of trouble, but this motherfucker just picked the short straw to be made an example out of.

No one, and I mean no one, spoke that way about my friends.

"Pardon me," I said, smiling pleasantly when I reached the little knot of noblemen. "Hi there. Lord of Tactics, Ben. Nice to meet you all. I, uh, couldn't help but overhear you talking about the war, and I just wanted to ask where you were stationed."

They exchanged glances, the fattest one puffing himself up in his ornate suit and looking down his nose at me.

Oh how I wanted to break that nose…

"It is incredibly rude to interrupt another's conversation," he practically spat at me, going red.

"Oh, I know," I said, my voice still pleasant. "But at this point I don't care. Where. Were you. Stationed?"

"Now see here you upstart little mongrel," the fat man thundered, a vein pulsing on his neck. "I am the lord of-"

Whatever he was saying was lost when my forehead flashed down and broke his nose, dropping him on his ass in front of everyone. Both my glass and the one he'd been holding fell to the ground, shattering and spilling expensive alcohol on the floor. I stepped forward, dragging him up to his knees by the cravat he was wearing, and leaned down into his face, ignoring the small trickle of blood running down to my nose from the split skin on my forehead.

"I don't give a flying fuck if you're Naga incarnate," I hissed. "You don't speak that way about my comrades who fought and bled beside me when you sat with your thumb up your fat ass back at the border."

A few of the other noblemen, now as red as their Lord, stepped forward to help him, but Lon'qu dropped his furs with a flourish and stepped forward in a familiar karate stance, stalling them with little more than a fierce glare.

"You dare-" the fat man blustered around his broken nose, quivering in what was either fear or rage.

"I do!" I snarled, cutting him off and raising my fist.

Judging from the way he cowered in my grip it was fear making him quiver like a bowl of jelly.

"If I ever hear you, or anyone else for that matter, speak ill of my friends again I will personally kill them with my bare hands! That's a promise you pompous-"

"Ben, that's enough!" Chrom called from across the room.

I glanced up briefly, noticing Frederick already making his way towards the altercation, and decided that enough was enough. I dropped my fist and shoved the fat noble backwards onto his ass again before stepping over him, making for the exit. Lon'qu stepped back, too, grabbing his furs under one arm and following me. He hesitated when he passed the other noble, the one that had bad-mouthed Tharja.

With one punch the Feroxi laid the nobleman flat, cradling his bleeding mouth as Lon'qu stood above him, staring down disdainfully.

"They're my friends, too, cowards," Lon'qu growled before following me through the path that had opened to the stairs.

We stalked out, past the shocked looks from Maribelle and Sumia, past the slightly disapproving but still impressed look from Lissa, and past the 'why couldn't you wait for me to get in on that' look that Cordelia had on her face. Virion was nowhere to be found, no doubt terrified about his own social standing in the Ylissean court. When I reached the stairs I cast one last ugly glare back at the noblemen who were only now starting to pick themselves up before stomping up and out of the room.

This was why I hated parties.

Fucking posers…

* * *

Later that evening, after I had torn off my suit and changed back into my jeans, I found myself in the stable of the Shepherds barracks, wailing on the 'punching bag' I'd made. It was really just a log wrapped in a mattress, but it did the job pretty damn well.

"Stupid… arrogant… fucking… nobles!" I grunted, pouring all of my rage and frustration into my blows.

Elle stood quietly to one side, watching my display of raw emotion with something approaching terror as she held my shirt, a towel and a waterskin for me. Despite my instructions not to the maid had followed me down to the stables, silently assisting me in making my punching bag before backing off and waiting for further instructions.

My hands were starting to bruise from the intense beating I was giving the punching bag, but I kept hammering it.

I needed the stress relief. I needed-

"Ben," someone called out to me.

"Fuck!" I snarled, hitting the bag as hard as I could.

The bag bounced with my poorly executed blow, flying off the post and backwards through the stables. I didn't have the time to go and get it, rounding on the interloper who wanted to…

"Tharja," I panted. "What are you doing up so late?"

She shot a glare at the cowering maid before stepping into the stables and walking up to me.

"Rumors are already spreading about the scene you caused at the party," she said.

"They're probably true," I said, doing my best to regain my breath.

Like an idiot I'd left my bag of vullenaries in my room, so I was breathing heavier than usual after the workout due to asthma.

Tharja stopped in front of me and reached up to my head, her fingertips brushing the red welt on my forehead. I hadn't even cleaned the blood off my face yet.

"You foolish man," she whispered. "I've long since grown accustomed to the ire of others-"

"Well you don't deserve it!" I snapped, stepping away from her.

I growled to myself, stomping through the stables to retrieve the punching bag and propping it up against another post.

"All of those 'nobles' at that party were fucking cowards," I snarled, laying into the bag with heavy body blows again. "Not one of them deserves the praise and recognition heaped on them for watching while we did all the work! Not one!"

Tharja shifted and smiled beneath her robes, rifling around within them.

"Thank you, Ben," she said softly. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"And that's the fucking problem!" I grunted. "You deserve so much more than you've gotten! And with God as my witness I swear I'll make them see you for what you are!"

"And what am I?" she asked, drawing close to me again.

I punched the bag a few more times before letting out another breath and turning to her.

"You're my friend, Tharja," I said as honestly as I could.

She smiled again, a faint blush rising to her cheeks as she held out a small jar and a cloth.

"Here," she said. "It's a salve made from desert plants. It will heal your injury far faster than any Ylissean medicine. They would probably call it witchcraft, though…"

I sighed and leaned forward, presenting my forehead and bruised knuckles.

"Don't care, lay it on me," I said.

Tharja chuckled a little, opening the jar and gently wiping the dried blood off my face with a cloth before rubbing some of the ointment on my injury. It was hardly a scratch, but if she was willing…

"W-wait!" Elle piped up suddenly.

"Are you still here?" I groaned, glancing at her out of the corner of my eye.

"I am milord's maid!" she announced shakily. "So it should be me… t-treating his injuries!"

Tharja glared silently at the girl as I straightened and laughed, shaking my head.

"Kid, I appreciate your enthusiasm," I chuckled, reaching for the towel she was still holding. "But you gotta work your way up to treating my wounds. That's a coveted spot, right there."

 _I'll probably have a lot of them come morning, anyway,_ I thought to myself, wondering just how Chrom would react to me embarrassing him like that when we were alone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note**

 **WARNING: Imminent sex scene in this chapter. Story is rated M, y'all have been warned.**

 **I should rename this story 'why metallover will forever be too embarrassed to publish a book for the rest of his life' there's so much crap in it…**

 **I had different plans for this chapter, but someone mentioned a duel and I thought "hey, that's a much better idea…" So we're going with that, instead. And who said they wanted Morgan?** _ **I**_ **want Morgan, but I can't rush… I assure you, as soon as I get the opportunity…**

 **Am I updating this story fast? Yeah, because it's a helluva lot easier to write than everything else I'm working on. It takes me like a day to write a chapter and another half a day to proof it, so I'm usually done within two days if I'm not doing anything else. Plus I really want to get to the child-characters. I assure you all, though, I am still fixing Future's End.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime and Gaming, new episodes every second Thursday! Find us on Soundcloud and iTunes, and make sure you follow us on Facebook and Twitter!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Tenth, or "How my most-esteemed self ended up with a new corn-hole during my first duel"**

I gave a great yawn, blinking and smacking my lips as I sat up in bed the next morning. I jumped a little when a pitcher of water was suddenly thrust under my nose next to a hot towel. There was a brief moment of panic, one in which I considered screaming out a long and piercing 'kyaaaa!' before I remembered 'oh, right, I have a maid now'.

"God morning, milord!" Elle said brightly, all smiles. "Here is some water to quench your thirst and a towel to wipe your face with."

I grunted my thanks to the maid and took the pitcher, practically draining it before wiping my face down. I wasn't a morning person, and the fact that she was being so… bubbly was getting on my nerves already.

 _I will not hit my maid with a shovel because she irritates me in the mornings, I will not hit my maid with a shovel, I will not hit my maid with a shovel…_

"In future leave the pitcher on the nightstand," I yawned, climbing out of bed. "I don't need the towel. Thank you, though. Your attentiveness is… appreciated. I guess."

Elle's smile dropped for a moment before snapping right back into place as she nodded. I'm sure that if she had a tail, it would be a-waggin right now.

"Of course, milord," she said with a curtsey, before holding a small pile of blue cloth out to me. "I've prepared your clothes for the day, and-"

"My jeans," I said, cutting her off.

"I-I'm sorry?" she said, caught off guard.

"I'll wear my jeans," I said. "The pants I asked you to mend. I'll wear those."

"Ah! Of course, milord!" she said, quickly pulling the pants out. "M-my apologies!"

"Thank you," I said with a nod, accepting my favored pants and pulling them on. "Urgh… Whatever simple shirt you suggest will be fine with me. No ties or coats or anything, though. Keep it simple."

Elle beamed as she held a beautifully brocaded blue and gold shirt out to me, House Ylisse livery displayed prominently on its breast. Her happiness at presenting a single shirt made me sick. She held it out, opening the front and standing expectantly, which was a little too much for me. I took the shirt from her hands and pulled it on myself, turning away.

"I can dress myself," I sighed. "Now kindly get out for a minute. I need to use the chamber-pot."

"A-at once, milord!" she said, curtseying deeply and dashing from the room.

I watched her go and once the door closed let out a deep sigh. Just being around her made me tired. I debated simply crawling back into bed after relieving myself, but decided against it. I'd promised Chrom that I'd start work today, and the sooner I reformed Ylisse's military into something that the Prince and I held a little more power over instead of the nobles the better.

While I unzipped my pants and stood over the chamber pot I heard voices from outside, but in a rush of euphoric relief I tuned them out, choosing to focus on the task at hand.

As I zipped myself back up a single thought occurred to me, something I'd forgotten about until now.

Elle had ignored my morning wood completely.

I looked down at my crotch before blinking over my shoulder at the closed door a few times, a small grin rising to my face. After yesterday's work with my suit and that non-reaction to my splendid morning glory, I thought I might be starting to like the girl.

"Alright, all clear," I called, stretching my arms above my head.

As Elle returned to the room I began buttoning up the shirt she'd provided, still irritatingly tight around my chest. She had a funny look on her face, though, and was carrying a rolled up scroll in her hands.

"M-milord, this came for you," she said, holding it out to me.

"Probably some stupid orders from Frederick…" I sighed.

I wordlessly took the scroll and broke the wax seal, unrolling it and speed reading…

"Oh fuck all kinds of duck…" I groaned.

* * *

"Chrom!" I called, stomping into his office. "Chrom, what in the name of- sorry, good morning Sumia, you look lovely today. Is that a new dress? Now, what in the name of unholy hell is this shit!?"

Chrom and Sumia both looked up at me like deer in the headlights, the Pegasus Knight recoiling from the sitting man to stand at his side with a faint blush on her cheeks. Chrom, for his part, was much cooler, smiling openly.

"Good morning to you, too," he said sarcastically.

"Ben! G-good morning!" Sumia said quickly.

Elle finally caught up behind me, panting and out of breath as I crossed the office and slapped the scroll that had been delivered to me on Chrom's desk.

"Yes, yes, we're all happy to see each other first thing in the morning," I drolled, before snapping. "Seriously! What the fuck!?"

Chrom blinked, frowning thoughtfully as he looked at the scroll. Sumia leaned over his shoulder, reading it too.

"Ah, Duke Beorhito got this to you much faster than I was expecting," Chrom said lightly. "I suppose we'll have to postpone the victory party until afterwards, eh?"

"Care to explain this bull-shittery to me?" I asked impatiently.

"It's a challenge to a duel," Sumia said.

"I can read!" I sighed exasperatedly. "But is this actually a thing!? People do this here!?"

Chrom actually blinked up at me with a blank face as he rolled the scroll back up.

"Of course," he said evenly. "What were you expecting to happen after that little scene you pulled last night?"

I froze at that, recalling the events of the party the previous evening. So I'd assaulted a Duke and his retinue. Good to know I was already making friends.

"I'm not apologizing for that," I said truthfully. "Those shit-stains deserved it. And if that's a problem, I can give this fancy ring back and just go."

"Please, don't insult me," Chrom scoffed. "If you didn't hit him I was going to. However, if I had done it there would have been no repercussions. Who would dare raise a hand to the future Exalt, after all?"

"Is there no way out of this?" I groaned.

"Of course! Just decline the duel!" Chrom laughed. "But if you did that House Ylisse would look weak, and so would House Themis because of Maribelle's betrothal to you…"

"So what do I do?" I asked, running a hand over the spiky top of my head.

"Choose a second and let them have the duel," Chrom shrugged. "That's how these things usually work. I can order Frederick to be your second if you wish. I don't think he's ever lost a duel."

I shook my head, clenching the scroll in my hand. The challenge said I could set the terms, and…

"No," I said, thinking already. "No, I'll fight myself. They were my words, my actions. I can't ask someone else to take responsibility for them."

 _Besides, I'd really like another chance to look cool for the lower caste,_ I thought, a plan formulating in my head already.

"Good," Chrom said, smiling approvingly. "I knew you would say that. If you'd like to set the date I can help you train?"

I shook my head again, unrolling the paper and writing my reply on the bottom with Chrom's ink quill, setting the date for one week from today.

"No, I appreciate the thought but I have a better plan," I muttered as I wrote. "Here, Elle. Deliver this to the Duke's people for me, please."

"Right away, milord!" she said, stepping forward and accepting the scroll.

She gave Chrom and Sumia a polite curtsey before leaving, and I sighed again.

"Um, Ben…" Sumia said hesitantly.

I glanced over at her, waiting for her to continue. She looked like she was carefully choosing what to say, so I gave her a moment rather than bombarding her with snark like I usually would to someone.

"What you did last night," she said finally. "I don't approve of your actions. But I wanted you to know that I approve of your reasoning. Thank you for supporting our allies, and thank you for supporting our friends."

I nodded, grinning a little at her.

"Thank you, Sumia," I said gratefully. "You'll make a great Queen someday, you know."

"W-what!?" she practically shrieked. "Q-q-queen!? How did you know… I mean we were just…"

I laughed, crossing my arms and shaking my head. Sumia was wearing a light cream sundress, and when she'd jumped back from Chrom I'd noticed the small bump on her stomach that one couldn't quite hide in a dress like that. When that had happened I didn't know and or care, but it made sense that this would have happened sooner and later in a world with medieval-grade contraception available. It also made sense that they would be rushing a royal wedding now. It didn't really matter in the end; they were destined for each other, anyway.

Or so the script said they were. I refused to let that little niggling thought bring me down, though; this was a happy moment.

But unfortunately it seemed I'd be just a few months short of making bastard jokes at Lucina…

"Baby-bump," I said, pointing to Sumia's stomach. "Congratulations, both of you. I thought you'd been glowing lately, and I guess I was right. She'll grow up to be a great hero, I know it."

 _And a massive pain in my ass, but hey, let's not mention that part and kill the mood just yet…_

Chrom sighed and ran a hand down his face, trying to cover the grin on it while Sumia's jaw dropped, tears gathering at the corners of her eyes.

"I-is it t-that noticeable alread-dy?" she asked, sobs hitching her voice.

"No!" I laughed. "Of course not! I just have an eye for these things! I guarantee you that no one else, besides maybe Cordelia, has noticed. And her only because she's your best damn friend. So please don't cry. Seriously. Stop crying. Please. It's too freaking early…"

Sumia nodded and sniffled, and Chrom reached up to squeeze her hand.

"We were going to make an official announcement after the wedding," he said with a grin. "So I'd appreciate it if you could keep quiet about this."

"Yeah, sure," I sighed. "Don't worry, I'll just tell people she's getting fat- please don't stab me. Seriously, though. I'm happy for both of you. You deserve to be happy together."

Sumia let out a little squeak, smiling and wrapping me in a bone-crushing hug.

"Oh, thank you, Ben!" she cried, squeezing the air out of my lungs.

At this point I couldn't tell if she was hugging me because she was happy or to punish me for the fat comment. Dear sweet Christ, was every woman here a closet body-builder!?

"Y-yeah," I gasped, arms flailing about behind her. "No… problem… Chrom… save me…"

Sumia stepped back, wiping her eyes and smiling. Chrom was smiling. After I massaged the feeling back into my ribs I was smiling, too. Everyone was smiling.

It was a happy moment, one that even the looming threat of my duel couldn't overshadow.

"Wait," I said, freezing for the second time that morning as my face dropped. "When did this 'betrothed to Maribelle' thing become official, and why was I not consulted!? I'm not! Getting! Fucking married!"

* * *

I found myself quickly walking through town after breakfast in the Palace, my destination a small inn near the royal quarter. I'd managed to ditch Elle, instructing her to find a way to duplicate the denim of my jeans so I could finally stop wearing this pair every day. Jeans were pretty fucking old, so they couldn't be too far off creating the denim fabric here…

I found the place easy enough; a simple wooden building just on the outer periphery of the middle tier of the city, nice but still 'low class'. To me it seemed far more comfortable than the palace.

I stepped in and breezed right by a bored, still half-asleep clerk sitting at a counter and went right up the stairs to the second floor.

I gave two knocks on the first door on the right and waited patiently, glancing nervously over my shoulder.

"Yes?" a voice called from within.

"Silence is golden," I said, my voice just loud enough so that it carried through the door.

There was a brief pause before Marth opened the door and frowned at me from inside.

"What?" she asked.

"That's the code-phrase so you know it's me," I said with a grin.

"No one else knows I'm here, why would you need a code-phrase!?" she asked exasperatedly, before shaking her head and stepping to one side. "You know what? I don't care. Come in already."

I chuckled, stepping past her into the small room.

"C'mon, where's your sense of whimsy?" I asked.

"What do you want, Ben?" Marth groaned. "It is far too early for your particular brand of stupidity this morning."

"Ho-hoh! You're learning the ways of the snark, I see!" I laughed, perching on the edge of her bed without asking permission.

"Yes, well, with no one else to talk to for more than a month I fear I may have…" Marth started before shaking her head and glaring at me.

"That is not important! What do you want!?"

I made a thoughtful noise before nodding and slapping my fist down into my upturned palm.

"Right, I have a mission for you," I said to her.

"I do not take orders from you," she responded instantly.

"Okay, I have a favor to ask you," I tried again.

"I decline."

"Come on, woman! Work with me here!"

"Not even if you got on your knees and cleaned my boots with your tongue."

"Look, it's a job-" I started to say before what Marth had just said to me sunk in.

I couldn't let this one go. I couldn't. As a man fully devoted to being a dick, I couldn't let it go.

"Okay, wow, kinky," I said with a grin. "I guess I learned something new about you today, Princess. It's always the ones you least expect, but… just… wow. I like it, you naughty girl, you."

"W-what!?" Lucina asked, her voice rising and her face already blushing heavily.

"Now that I think of it, I can see you in a bondage suit with a whip," I said with a grin, leaning back. "And with that way of talking and your noble bearing I bet you'd make a great dominatrix."

Lucina trembled, looking down as I laughed a little. I may have gone too far, but really, with a set up like that how could I not-

"Ragh!" she growled, pulling her sword up from beside her bed and pointing it at me. "I'll kill you, pervert!"

"Yes!" I shrieked, spinning and prostrating myself with my face pressed against the wall. "Spank me! Hit me! Call me dirt! Just have your way with me!"

I was wondering if I'd taken the joke too far until Lucina's iron blade smashed through the wall next to my head and stuck there, which answered the question pretty well for me. I turned slowly, the woman red in the face and panting behind me as she clearly tried to fight the impulse to impale me.

"You're just proving my point," I said calmly.

"You are a disgusting pervert!" she shouted. "I will kill you before I let you touch me!"

"Yeah, like your skinny ass does anything for me," I scoffed. "Grow up a few more years and get a little meat on your bones, then we'll talk. And now that I've had my fun, I need to tell you about an important mission that only you or I could do."

"So go do it yourself!" she seethed, her sword still impaled next to my face and her own face still red to the ears.

"Oh, I would, but I'd say that Laurent would be a little more receptive to hearing it from you," I shrugged nonchalantly.

Lucina blinked a few times before pulling her sword out of the wall and lowering the weapon, still not making eye contact with me.

"Explain yourself," she said simply, lowering her voice and assuming her Marth persona again.

"Yes mistress, as you command, mistress," I said, doing my best to imitate the voice of a sub being stepped on.

Marth growled again, brandishing the big iron sword as I laughed.

"Laurent is the only one I know for a fact is here already besides you," I explained, holding my hands up in surrender. "Kjelle might show up a little later, but most of the rest of your little friends don't show up for two years yet. So you're going to go to the desert in the south-east and find him. He's lost because he can't read a map."

"Yes, that definitely sounds like Laurent," she sighed. "But I cannot leave my father-"

"Lucina, I swear on my life nothing is going to happen to him in the next two years," I said, finally growing serious. "You can go find Laurent, just be back before two years are over."

"I'll be back in a month," she scoffed. "But what of you? What will you be doing."

"Well, I'ma fight this duel, then re-organize the entire military, and then I'm going looking for someone, too. Someone who will be ridiculously important to morale."

Marth nodded, but I said no more. I didn't want to get her hopes up if I couldn't find her early, after all.

First, though, I had to fight my duel. One crisis at a time and all that.

* * *

Later I found myself pacing back and forth in front of the Shepherds' barracks, waiting for the others to come back from their early morning hunting.

Lissa hummed happily as she swung her legs, perched on the windowsill of the barracks behind me, totally oblivious to my impatience.

In the end I'd ditched one shadow for another louder one. Lissa had latched onto me after breakfast, taking great interest in the preparations I was planning for my duel. She'd even gone so far as to tail me to the inn that Marth was staying at. I'd caught her as I'd been coming out, the Princess totally unrepentant.

"Hoy!" a familiar voice called from the direction of the city. "Are you the reason our party's been post… pu- uh… made later?"

I sighed, turning to Vaike.

"Yes, Teach, I am," I said slowly. "And the word is 'postponed'. I swear you don't so much speak the language as butcher it and leave it in the sun for jerky…"

"I do like jerky," Vaike nodded as he and the others approached.

Virion, Lon'qu, Panne and Vaike had clearly been the hunting party that morning, each carrying what I didn't doubt was their own particular catch. Lon'qu and Virion both had bundles of rabbits slung over their shoulders, while Panne was carrying a haunch of either deer or moose and coated in blood again. Vaike didn't have anything, though; he'd probably just gone to get out of the city.

I sighed, looking at Panne. The Taguel stopped when she noticed my gaze locked on her, furrowing her brow.

"What?" she asked.

"Just wondering how you get so messy every time you hunt," I admitted.

She looked down at herself and shrugged, flashing me a big and bloody grin.

"I hunt with my teeth," she said with a grin, her canines glinting in the sun.

"God damn I am disturbed at how aroused I am by that," I sighed, shaking my head.

"Here," she said, tearing a chunk off the haunch and handing it to me. "It is fresh."

"Thanks," I said, popping it into my mouth without thinking to a chorus of disgusted shouts from the others.

"That is raw, man!"

"You can eat it like that?"

"Ew! Ewewewewewewewewew!"

Lon'qu just remained silent, eying the haunch himself now.

"Go get cleaned up," I laughed, still chewing. "But I want to talk to you when you're done. Let's all go inside, huh?"

"Is it true you punched a Duke?" Vaike asked as we all filed into the barracks.

"It was… more of a headbutt than anything else," I said nonchalantly.

* * *

By the time everyone I needed had gathered there were a few others present as well, Cordelia and Kellam having shown up from their morning training and Tharja skulking around like usual while Olivia cooked the meat that the hunting party had brought back into a stew. I clapped my hands to get everyone's attention as I stood, looking out at the curious faces.

"So, as I'm sure you all know now, I pimp-slapped a Duke for calling Tharja a slut and belittling our Feroxi allies and even the rest of the Shepherds at the party last night," I said all in one breath. "Apparently people duel to settle grievances in this land, so I'm going to be fighting a duel this time next week. Any questions so far?"

"Which Duke was it?" Vaike asked.

"Uh… Duke… Burrito?" I said, forgetting the man's name.

"Duke Beorhito," Cordelia corrected me.

"Yeah, that," I said. "Whatever. One of the ones that refused to leave the border when we went back into Plegia."

"Right. Gotcha," Vaike nodded.

"Anyway, there's a few things going on and I wanted to get them out of the way now while we're all here," I went on. "Firstly, in the week leading up to this duel I'm going to need Panne and Cordelia to help me. Can I count on you two?"

Cordelia nodded, smiling, while Panne simply grunted and crossed her arms.

"After that I'm going to need someone to train me in swordsmanship, because I'm sick of punching things. As much fun as it is… Lon'qu? You my man?"

"I… yes?" he responded unsurely.

"What about the rest of us?" Lissa asked excitedly.

"You guys just kinda tagged along to this meeting," I shrugged. "I only needed those three. If you really want, Lissa you can heal me when I get my ass kicked and the rest of you can be my cheer squad."

"What is a 'cheer squad'?" Virion asked slowly.

"Does it involve twerking?" Olivia asked. "Because if it does, I don't want to do it…"

"A cheer squad just shows up on the day for moral support," I explained. "And while cheerleaders do dance, no they generally do not twerk, Olivia."

"Oh! Okay!" she said, relief evident in her features. "I can dance, at least!"

"Yeah, great," I muttered, trying to hide my grin.

"So what did you need Panne and I for?" Cordelia asked.

I grinned a little, looking at both of them with a glint in my eye.

"Panne, I want you to teach me to fight like a Taguel. Cordelia, after she does I need you to be my crash-test-dummy."

* * *

The next morning I yawned, rolling out my neck in the training yard before dawn. Lucina had left the previous evening, taking my assurances that her father would come to no harm while she was gone and all of my cash to fund her trip. Apparently just because I'd gotten paid didn't mean everyone else had. On the sidelines of the training field Elle stifled a yawn of her own, attentively holding my bag full of vullenaries and some water for later.

I glanced around, wondering exactly where Panne was. As per her instructions here I was, standing in naught but my jeans without even my knives strapped to my back, freezing my arse off without a shirt or even shoes on while she-

Something hit me hard from the side, and before I realized it that something had a death-grip on my arm and I was being dragged through the city at a breakneck pace. I caught a glimpse of Elle's horrified face before she disappeared. With a cool, calm sense of rationality I wasn't entirely sure of the origin of I glanced up, finding my arm caught in Panne's transformed form's mouth as she dragged me through the city.

She didn't stop until we were deep in the forest outside of Ylisstol, and she finally released me and transformed back into her human form. She'd been gentle while carrying me, and there wasn't even a bruise on my bicep where she'd grabbed me with her mouth, although there was quite a bit of Taguel spit matting my hair to my chest and shoulder.

"You know, you could have just asked," I sighed, wiping the spit off. "I would have come out here no… problem…"

Panne huffed, brushing her hair and long ears back over her shoulders. Instead of her usual leathers she was wearing light clothes, too; a simple pair of dark shorts that went about halfway done her supple thighs and what would have passed as a white tank-top back home, but was probably a torn-up blouse or something here.

"It was necessary to throw the girl off," she said, looking around the forest. "With that, she will not know what to think, and by the time she begins to search we will be long gone."

"She's my servant, I could have just ordered her to stay behind," I sighed, doing my best to ignore the way Panne's top hugged her figure.

She stopped for a moment at that revelation, one ear twitching a little.

"I did not consider that," she admitted, shrugging. "We are committed now. Are you ready?"

"Well, yeah," I sighed. "But ready for what? We doing some survival training, or-"

The rest of my question was cut off again as human-form Panne barreled into me this time, knocking me from my feet and into the dirt on my back with a crazy-fast sucker punch to the gut. She landed on top of me, straddling me and wrenched my arms away from my face, bringing her face down to my neck before I could even struggle. Her teeth just barely brushed my flesh and she stopped, letting out a laugh.

"You are dead," she said, sitting up.

I frowned as comprehension came to me. I had asked her to train me like a Taguel, albeit in a slightly more human manner. I guess this was how Taguels trained.

If this was how she wanted to play it…

With a growl I lifted my hips, throwing her off of me momentarily and sat up, bringing my hands forward to grab at her shoulders to shove her down this time. Clearly she'd been expecting this, and used the momentum of my throw to jump off of me and back about a foot.

"Good," she nodded, crouching low. "You learn quickly."

With that she was gone, disappearing into the forest around us. Ylisse's forests weren't exactly thick or wild, but the way that Panne disappeared was still unsettling.

So… this was gonna be my training? Survive and fight and survive?

Alright. I could do that.

I hoped…

Moving as quietly as I could through the bushes I followed after her, opening my eyes wide and watching for any sign of movement.

It was going to be a really, really long week. Especially without my vullenaries.

"Oh God I'm going to die in this forest, aren't I?" I sighed, shaking my head.

* * *

After a few days of running around the forests with Panne I learned a number of things.

Food actually does taste better when you have to work for it. After a while you begin to ignore the cuts on the bottom of your feet. You can kinda control asthma with deep-breathing exercises; it's not perfect, but it's better than nothing. Hunting with nothing but your bare hands and reflexes was really, really hard. A rabbit's neck is a lot harder to break with your hands than it looks. Taguel fight dirty, ambushing and sucker-punching.

Oh, and they also huddled together for warmth at night, even after kicking your ass all day. Which was really kind of pleasant.

On the fifth and final day of our training I let out a groan as I sunk down to the bed of grasses that I'd thrown together, flopping backwards and letting my tired muscles finally relax. I was exhausted and dirty, and more than ready to return to Ylisstol and my bed. Hell, even if I lost the duel it would be enough just to get back to what approximated civilization in this freaking place.

And I thought I'd missed internet and electricity _before_ …

I'd tried a couple of times to make a fire, but Panne had appeared and kicked my ass. I'd tried to bathe in the river, and she'd nearly drowned me. I'd tried to hunt with some crude tools and she'd broken them over my head. After two days of that I'd given up and settled for simply going totally feral.

And I hadn't thrived, but to my credit I was surviving. There were lots of wild fruits and berries in Ylissean forests, not to mention the absurd amounts of game to hunt. I hadn't tried taking anything bigger than a rabbit with my hands, but I had spotted deer a couple of times. I never strayed far from the creek once I'd found it, either. Water was important, after all.

A man could live quite easily off the land here. It made me wonder if there was anywhere left like this back home, or if all of the 'natural forests' had suffered from mankind's rapid industrialization to the point of no return.

Just as I felt myself relax and started to wonder where Panne was my question was answered when she burst out of the bushes, her fingers clawing and her teeth bared. So far she hadn't attacked me at night yet, usually stopping our little survival game when the sun went down, but after a week of fending her off nothing surprised me and I was getting used to this shit.

I rolled aside, reaching to the ground and flinging a small cloud of dirt into her face. She growled as my throw hit home, shaking her head and swiping at her eyes. I didn't give her the chance to recover, though, pressing my advantage and tackling her. I picked her up around the middle and slammed her to the ground, not pulling my punches. She gasped as the wind was knocked out of her, and I grabbed her wrists and wrenched her arms aside before I brought my own mouth down to clamp on her throat, the way she constantly had to me these last few days, feeling the thrill of my first victory against her approaching…

I reared back in surprise as something soft darted into my mouth, caressing my tongue a few times.

It took a split second for me to realize that the Taguel had just frenched me.

Panne grinned as I dropped my guard and used the same technique I had on her during our first brawl, bringing her hips up and throwing me off and onto my back. She straddled me again, and I let out a low groan in defeat.

"That is my final lesson," she said, holding my shoulders down into the dirt just like every other time. "You use every weapon available to you."

"That was a cheap trick," I sighed, looking up at the night sky as I waved goodbye to any hope of victory against this woman.

Still, though, I guess nothing distracted someone like a kiss. What movie was that from, anyway? Someone had done it in a movie, when a dude kisses another one to distract the hell out of him during a fight… Some crappy 90s comedy… Argh, I couldn't remember. I'd been away from home too long.

"There are no cheap tricks," Panne muttered. "Only survival."

She chuckled, backing off a little and wiping at her eyes. In the weak moonlight I could see that she was still squinting, her eyes watering as she tried to clean them. I sat up, taking one of her shoulders in my hand so that she didn't get off of me and gently wiped my thumb around her eyes, trying to get the worst of the dirt off.

"That was a good throw," she said, smiling slightly.

"I just acted," I shrugged. "Thought about how best to catch you off guard. Then you turned the tables on me like that…"

Panne chuckled again, blinking now with her eyes slightly clearer. My hand lingered on her face for a moment before I dropped it and leaned back, resting my weight on my arms.

"Well? You gonna sit there all night or are you going to get off of me?" I asked.

She frowned, blinking at me a few times without moving. I felt like I was being judged here, like I was doing something wrong…

"Foolish manspawn, I'll just do it myself," Panne growled, leaning forward again.

Honestly, I'd been 'around the block' a few times. In other words, I was no stranger to some good old fashioned fuckin'. Things had gotten pretty rough in the bedroom with some of the girls I'd been with back home. Raimi had been pretty wild, too, but that might have just been the hangover talking… But the way Panne kissed me had an animal intensity I'd never even heard of before.

She dug her nails into my shoulders like they were claws, biting my lips more than once as she desperately rubbed her body against mine. I pulled back for air, gasping a little as we separated slightly. Panne simply took the opportunity to tear what little clothing she was wearing off. When she started on my jeans I couldn't help but wriggle around a little.

"Holy shit!" I cried when she yanked them down. "Wait, wait! What!? Really!? We're really doing this!?"

Panne answered with a heated moan, pressing herself up against me again and rubbing her breasts against my chest as we brought our faces back together. There was a little more grinding as we found a rhythm before I finally slipped inside her, and Panne let out another moan in my ear that could have melted steel.

My reaction, however, was far more juvenile.

"Fuck the hell yes!" I cried to the sky, my shout echoing around the quiet nighttime forest.

* * *

The next afternoon I practically skipped back into Ylisstol, grinning ear to ear and humming happily to myself.

Panne had already been gone when I'd woken up, and I'd returned to the city expecting the Taguel to jump out at me the entire way. She hadn't though, so I'd been free to revel in the previous evening's events.

I snickered happily to myself.

It had been awesome.

The heat! The passion! The lust! That's what casual sex was all about! That's what I'd been missing! Before all of this duel shit began I'd almost considered coming up with some excuse and traveling back up to Regna Ferox a couple of times to see if Raimi wanted to throw down again, but now that I was satisfied I was probably good for another month or two.

Now I just needed to find…

I stopped, my train of thought derailing and looking at the paved street beneath me. Or rather, the growing shadow expanding around me.

"Milooooooooooooooord!" someone cried from above me.

I turned, eyes widening just in time to see Elle jumping off of a pegasus doing a pass over me, the maid hitting my chest like a fucking cannon-ball and wrapping her arms around me. Cordelia landed her mount not far away, jumping off herself and running towards us.

"Milord, I was so worried!" Elle cried into my shoulder. "You were gone for so long… and without a word!"

"Elle, that was incredibly dangerous and-" Cordelia started, flinching back and covering her nose and mouth when she got closer to me. "Gods above, Ben, you stink! Did you not bathe for the last six days!?"

"I was busy," I shrugged, grinning as I tried to pry Elle off of me.

"I will wash you!" Elle said fiercely.

"No."

"I must make up for leaving your side-"

"No!"

"Please milord! Allow me to atone!"

"Argh, get off! Off or I'm going back to the forest!"

* * *

A few hours and one incredibly awkward bath in which Elle stood outside the door the entire time I stood in the Palace's training yard, waiting for Cordelia. I squatted a few times, trying out the new jeans that Elle had produced for me. She'd gotten the denim pretty good, and it was actually more comfortable than the synthetic cotton that was all I could afford back home. There was no zipper or buttons or anything on them, but a belt did the job of holding them up adequately.

All in all, I was satisfied.

I'd done some serious training, gotten laid and I'd been responsible for the creation of this world's jeans industry. It had been a good week.

"What are you smiling about?" Cordelia asked, appearing behind me.

"Oh, nothing," I shrugged. "Has Panne shown up again yet?"

"She comes and goes as she pleases," the Pegasus Knight said, circling around me to stand in the middle of the training ground. "By all accounts she spends less time in the barracks and more in the forest anyway, so I would not worry if she is gone for a while."

I shrugged again, putting it out of my mind. Cordelia was standing before me wearing the thicker, female version of a Cavalryman's suit of armor and holding a longsword. According to her, this was what I was most likely to face when I fought the Duke's second tomorrow.

"Okay, hold still for a second," I instructed, walking over to her. "And lift your arms."

Cordelia did so without hesitation, a curious look on her face as I stepped in to inspect the armor. My fingers glided over the edges of the plates, hooked into the straps on the sides, knocked against sections to test their thickness…

"Are you just about done?" Cordelia giggled as I brushed her flank. "If you just wanted to look at the armor I could have gotten you a suit."

"No, this is only part of what I wanted," I explained, stepping back. "I wanted to see how it moves, see how it feels to hit it. I need to practice."

Cordelia nodded and grinned, brandishing her borrowed sword in a two handed grip.

"Well, I may be a little rusty with a blade, so you will have to forgive me."

I grinned right back, pulling my trench knives out from their holsters on the small of my back.

"Don't worry," I said. "I'll be gentle."

* * *

The next morning I yawned, looking around the grey dawn garden with tired eyes. I had scheduled the duel for dawn in the Palace Gardens, and was now patiently waiting for my adversary to show up. Lon'qu, my second, waited next to Lissa who would be the duel's dedicated healer. Both of them stood next to my cheer-squad, which consisted of Olivia, Elle, Tharja and Cordelia. I was a little disappointed at the lack of pom-poms and mini-skirts, but that would have been too distracting anyway.

I yawned again, wondering just how long it would take the fat Duke to waddle all the way to the Palace gardens when I caught the sound of grass crunching under heavily booted feet. Five men, the same five from the party, approached, Duke Burrito leading them with a wicked sneer on his face.

"I did not think you would actually possess the bravery to show," he boomed at me.

I remained silent and shrugged. One of the soldiers at his back wearing full armor stepped forward and drew his sword.

"This is Sir Wilber," the Duke announced. "He is my second, and will be fighting in my place."

I grinned at the young man standing in front of me. He was, unfortunately for him, wearing the exact same armor style that Cordelia had let me train against the previous evening. The guy saluted me with his sword before stepping back into a ready stance.

"I'll be fighting for myself," I said, pulling my trench knives out from behind me. "But are you okay with this, Wilber? This fight isn't first blood, it's until death or one of us yields."

"Then I hope you've made peace with your gods," Wilber growled. "For the act of insulting my lord, I-"

"Yeah, yeah, you can stop talking now," I sighed.

So much for talking sense into him.

"The rules state that you must name a second before we can fight," the Duke announced, glancing around me and sneering again. "However judging from the crowd you have brought with you, it will not matter much anyway."

I seethed for a moment before I forced myself to relax. This Wilber was a knight, trained from childhood to fight. If I was going to beat him I'd need to fight smart, which meant not getting angry.

"Fine," I sighed. "My second is-"

"Me," a strong voice called from the direction of the Palace.

Everyone turned to watch as Chrom strode over to my side, Frederick hovering at his like usual. Chrom gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder before turning to face Duke Burrito again.

"I trust that is satisfactory, Duke Beorhito?"

"O-of course, milord Chrom," the Duke stammered.

"Not that I will need to intervene anyway," Chrom added under his breath as he and Frederick moved to wait with the others.

I sighed, flexing my arms a little as I glared at Wilber.

"Last chance, dude," I warned him. "If you want to surrender go ahead and do it now."

"Do not mock me," the Knight growled. "I will rend your head from your neck with a single swing! I will dance in your blood and piss on your grave! I will… stop laughing, curse you!"

I held my stomach, doubling over from laughter.

 _Is this guy serious? Oh, I'ma have some fun here._

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," I chuckled. "You see, that'd all be terribly intimidating if you were, oh, I don't know, actually intimidating?"

"Are you still mocking me!?" Wilber shouted.

"No!" I assured him, still grinning. "No-no-no-no-no-no! Pfft, yeah!"

Wilber let out a frustrated roar, charging at me exactly the way I'd been trying to trick him into. Step one was staying calm myself; step two was pissing him off. Apparently, I hadn't needed to try very hard. Which sucked, because I had a lot of good ones saved up.

I ducked and dodged, circling around and avoiding his heavy, angry blows, which just seemed to make him angrier. I wasn't even wearing armor here, so I was, for once, faster than someone.

"Wanna hear a joke?" I asked, grinning as I backpedaled out of Wilber's reach again.

"Hold still!" the knight roared.

"Your momma's so fat that when she fell down nobody laughed, but the ground cracked up!" I goaded.

"Ha!" Chrom laughed before he could clamp a hand over his mouth to stop himself.

"You little dirt-eating piece of-" Wilber snarled, running at me again.

I rolled, evading his blow and coming up behind him.

"Didn't like that one?" I laughed. "Okay, how about this one. Your family tree must be a cactus, because everyone on it's a prick!"

Wilber gave a wordless growl, bringing his sword around again. In the distance I could hear Lissa and Lon'qu both snickering while Chrom tried to hold his own laughter in. Wilber clearly heard it too, and his face went red with rage.

"Why will you not fight me!?" he roared. "Why will you not just die!?"

"Because I'm having fun here," I laughed. "If I really wanted to die I'd just climb your ego and jump to your IQ. IQ is how smart you are, by the way."

"It is a mistake to mock me!" Wilber snarled, charging again.

"If you want to know about mistakes you should just go and ask your parents," I chuckled, standing my ground this time.

Wilber roared triumphantly, bringing his sword down at my shoulder. I brought my knives up, his heavy blade deflecting and sliding down off of them as I stepped back again to open some space. I crouched down low this time, my knives practically brushing the dirt as I grinned up at him.

"Fine, you want serious? You got it," I warned.

Wilber just growled and charged at me again, which I was starting to think that he really wasn't the smartest tool in the shed. I straightened and stepped inside his blow, leaning back and giving him a hard kick to the stomach with all my weight behind it, 'this is Sparta!' style. His thinner stomach plate actually indented from the blow as he stumbled backwards, coughing and holding himself.

I crouched low again, hugging the grass as I threw myself around to his flank. I slashed upwards at his vulnerable flank, managing to catch the edge of his plates but missing the soft-spot between the straps. I cursed, realizing that the female armor must have a bigger gap just before a back-handed hammer-fist smashed me off my feet. I rolled with the blow, coming up to face Wilber and spitting blood from my split lip with a smile.

"That's more like it!" I growled, doing my best to ignore the pain.

I darted forward low again, bringing both knives up and around to slash not at his torso, but at his wrists and tendons. I caught the edge of his armor again, sparks flying as my knives carved furrows in his gauntlets. The Knight yelped and stepped back, blood seeping from the slice I'd made in his off-hand gauntlet. I had no way of knowing if it was deep enough to hit the tendon, but at least now we were both bleeding.

I spun, following my momentum away from the knight and out of his strike range again. He panted, glaring daggers at me as I flicked his blood off of my knives.

Wilber rushed in again, low this time, and I stepped back to avoid his up-strike. Cordelia had warned me that this was a favored move of the cavalrymen when they were dismounted, so I'd already practiced plenty against this one, too.

I spun around his blow, getting in nice and close and bringing my fist down on his armored collarbone. Which, by dint of my trench knife, cut through the thinner armor near his neck and bit deep enough that I had to wrench the knife back out.

Unfortunately, though, that slowed me down just a fraction of a second, and Wilber brought his brow down on my face, smashing into my cheekbone.

"Argh, ya fucker!" I growled, backpedaling as stars danced before my eyes.

"How do you like it!?" the Knight panted, advancing on me again.

I tried to evade his blow, but I was dazed and moving too slow. With one mighty thrust Wilber shoved his longsword through my stomach and out my back, a shower of blood following it.

He laughed triumphantly as I gagged, blood running up from my throat and down my bearded chin.

"And now honor has been settled!" he announced, jamming his sword deeper into my gut.

"That's enough!" Lissa shrieked from the sidelines.

"Ben, yield!" Chrom called desperately.

I ignored them, grinning weakly up at Wilber.

"H-hey," I growled.

He glanced down at me, frowning.

"I'm still… alive here."

Before Wilber could respond I wrenched my body around, opening my wound further to bring one of my knives up. The dark blade flashed in the dawn sun and a torrent of Wilber's blood splashed onto my face and chest from the artery I'd just severed.

Wilber fell back, pulling his sword out of me with the motion and I cried out with pain, just barely managing to keep my feet as he fell to the lawn, grasping desperately at his throat and gaping like a fish. I watched silently, swaying dangerously, until the light left his eyes and he lay still.

"Now," I panted, spitting up more blood. "Now we're done. Lissa? Healing please."

Duke Burrito and his little entourage stood, staring in horror at the body of their champion as Lissa ran forward with her staff. Chrom came forward, too, supporting me as his sister worked. When I was healed enough that I didn't feel like I was going to fall over again I waved them off, stepping toward the Duke.

"I'd tell you just what I think about you, but unfortunately I wasn't born with enough middle fingers," I growled at the stunned fat man. "There's a change in the world order coming. And you're going to find yourself without a lot of the power you once had. Very. Very soon. That, I promise you. Now get the fuck out, and remember this; a good man just died for your selfish pride."

With that I turned and limped my way back to the Shepherds, all of whom were smiling in relief. Behind me the pissed-off Duke was already storming off, leaving his subordinates to clean up their friend.

"I thought you were going to kill the Duke, too, honestly," Chrom said.

"I wanted to," I sighed. "Honestly, Karma's too slow. I really wanted to just beat the shit out of him now and be done with it."

"That was amazing!" Olivia said.

"Indeed," Cordelia agreed. "I am impressed."

Elle simply nodded profusely, her head looking like it was about to pop off and go flying she was moving it so fast.

Lon'qu nodded his agreement, too, grinning.

"Wait until I teach him how to use a sword," the Feroxi man chuckled.

Tharja hung to the back of the group, smiling softly at me. I grinned back in response, which given my current blood-drenched state was probably more distressing than reassuring, but hey, I was riding the victory high.

"Okay, all done," Lissa said, slapping my side for good measure.

"Good," I groaned, rotating my arm over the hole in my shirt. "Now I'ma go get cleaned up, then I'm going to eat til I'm tired and sleep til I'm hungry. Who's coming?"

* * *

 **AN: I feel like I should explain myself a little here... In writing a self insert I am doing my absolute best to write one that is 'self aware' and takes all the tropes and junk you get in the average Self-Insert and turns them into... well, something entertaining and marginally well written. Hence the sex scene in this chapter. It's not the heaviest sex scene ever, but that's about as Lemon as I can get at this point. Stay tuned, because my semester just ended and I don't have anything better to do with my time but write! Whoop whoop!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note**

 **WARNING: There are scenes of recreational drug use in this chapter. If that is not your beef, do not read on.**

 **So this is probably going to be the last chapter of this story for a long while. I've used up all my jokes, gone through all my inspiration, and come up short. Plus I'm working on Future's End again, so this story and everything else I'm doing takes a back-seat to that. Except my podcast. That's still my baby. No, I'm not abandoning this story, I'm just prioritizing.**

 **Remember I'm doing a podcast? CAB Anime & Gaming, new episodes every second Friday! Find us on iTunes and Soundcloud! **

**Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Eleventh, or "I used up all my best jokes in previous chapters."**

It never ceased to amaze me, back home, that an anime character could climb into another's bed without waking them. Hell, I couldn't get up to pee in the middle of the night without my last girlfriend tearing my head off for waking her up.

So I found it less than amusing, one night after my duel, when I was woken by the sound of my door opening.

I groaned and rolled over, praying to all the deities I could think of that it was just Elle or one of the healers coming to check on me. My hopes were dashed and my prayers unanswered when I felt the edge of my bed shift as someone climbed up.

Dammit, I knew for a fact Naga was real! I mean technically she's not a goddess, but she could at least send some damn luck my way when I prayed!

So then, I wondered as I rolled over in the darkness pretending to be asleep, who was crawling into bed with me? Probably Tharja or Maribelle; both of them had been a little put off at being ignored for a week when I'd gone to my training. It could be Panne, but I doubted she'd come calling for a booty call; she didn't strike me as the subtle kind, either, more the throw open my door and mount me kind of gal. Hell, knowing my luck it was Ricken. And I did not do BL scenes.

They were getting closer now, almost within perfect range of my…

"Nope," I stated, lifting my leg and kicking the visitor bodily onto the floor.

"Eeek!"

I snickered a little, sitting up and lighting the oil lamp on my bedside table. Maribelle glared up at me from the floor, dressed in a rather conservative nightgown. Which was probably scandalous by the medieval-Ylissean standards, but to me it looked like nana-clothes.

"Get lost on the way to your room, did you?" I asked, arching an eyebrow as I grinned.

"O-oh!" she said, jumping to her feet. "I-I thought this was my darling Lissa's room!"

"Uh-huh," I nodded, letting myself flop backwards. "So you snuggle with Lissa, too, do you?"

"End of the hallway, last door on the right," I said with a lazy wave.

"Y-yes, of course, dearest," she said, somewhat mutedly.

I grinned a little to myself as I snuffed the lamp, leaving us laying and standing in darkness, respectively.

"You're not planning on going to Lissa's room, are you?"

"I… er…"

"I'd offer to let you stay, but do you remember what happened last time you tried to snuggle?"

"That Plegian harlot does not frighten me," Maribelle scoffed.

"Well she fucking terrifies me," I said. "And last time this shtick cost me my lodgings. So… out."

Maribelle didn't move, and I sat up again with a sigh and a wince.

"Yes?" I asked, drawing the word out.

"I… as… as a healer I wished to inspect your injuries," she said quickly, clearly grasping at straws.

"Fine," I sighed, lighting the torch again and throwing my sheet off.

I slept in my underwear anyway, so I didn't have to strip down. Maribelle instantly went beet-red, though, clearing her throat and blinking a few times before approaching my bed. I wasn't a cut and chiseled piece of statuesque man-candy like Chrom or Frederick, but I had lost that last persistent bit of weight, and my stomach was mostly flat now. Plus, my chest had always been huge, so I did look kinda big and why am I describing this? Who cares!?

Maribelle removed my bandages with practiced motions, her hands quick and sure. She prodded at the new scar on my side, making me hiss involuntarily. It still hurt like a mother-fucker.

"The last healer tied these on too tight," she said, her voice all business. "But you are healing well."

"Good to know," I said, twisting a little to see how far I could move without searing agony shooting up my side.

Maribelle nodded, leaning close to wrap the linen bandages back around my torso. I was noticing her fingers brushing against me a fair bit more than the other healers' did, but opted to remain silent on the matter. There was something else that was bugging me…

"So you've got nothing to say about my duel?" I asked.

Maribelle's hands froze as she looked up at me. After a moment she went back to work, slower than before.

"It was foolish and improper to fight the duel yourself," she said. "Wilbur was an accomplished swordsman, and also one of the Duke's nephews. He will not simply let matters lie."

I shrugged. I didn't care. I wanted an excuse to kill, or at least depose, the Duke anyway.

"Wilbur was a good man, though," Maribelle went on. "But too rigid. Too blinded by his position and oaths. This was bound to happen sooner or later."

"I'm seeing a lot of that lately," I sighed.

"That is why I entered the clergy to learn healing," Maribelle admitted. "To gain a commoner's perspective. That is why I wish to be a magistrate. To show them that not all nobles are pompous and arrogant fools who do nothing but laze about and count their money."

"You will," I said reassuringly. "Just don't forget why you're doing it."

Maribelle nodded, tying off the bandages and resting a hand on my chest.

"You know, Wilbur once petitioned my father for my hand in marriage," she said, looking away from me. "Father rejected him, saying he was not of high enough stock for such a union."

"And I am?" I snorted.

There was a moment of silence before I sighed.

"Thank you for fixing my bandages," I said, pulling Maribelle into a quick hug and kissing the top of her head. "But now the wounded must rest, so get the hell out of my room."

The noblewoman nodded, rigidly standing and blushing heavily. I laughed a little as I waited for her to leave, before blowing out the lamp and falling back into my bed. I was still uncomfortable with the extra layer on, though, and fidgeted restlessly as I tried to…

A soft, keening screech reached my ears, prompting me to groan and run both hands down my face.

"Tharja get the fuck out!" I growled.

There was a brief shuffling from the corner of my room, and the Dark Mage in question appeared looming over me in the moonlight.

"I want a kiss too!" she hissed.

"Why do you people hate sleep!?" I whined.

* * *

A few days after my duel with the late Wilbur my side still ached like a mother-fucker and I now had a lovely scar just below my ribs. He'd gotten me good, I'd give the fucker that much. Practically disemboweled me in the end when I'd twisted to slash his throat, but that was mostly my fault.

According to Lissa the pain was just my body coping with the fact that the injury had been healed so fast and there was nothing to worry about.

But it still fucking hurt.

As I lowered myself into a chair in Chrom's office Ricken reached out to steady me, and I had to resist the urge to smack him off of me.

I still didn't like to be touched.

"Are you sure you're okay, Master?" the young mage asked me.

"Yeah, just a little- of course I'm not okay! I got stabbed! Right here!" I growled, pointing to my flank.

"And you haven't shut up about it since," Chrom said with a grin from the other side of the table.

He, Frederick and I were meeting to discuss the new formal Ylissean Army Corps, and Ricken and Elle were both floating around me like a bad smell. The young mage had been busy catching up on the studies he'd missed at the Mage Academy while he was with the Shepherds until just after my duel, so he'd missed out. And now he wouldn't leave me alone.

"Whatever, let's get to it already so I can go back to sleep," I sighed, laying some papers down on the top of the table. "So, there's a few problems with the current military structure that I'm pretty sure my plan will address. Firstly, we've got a problem with morale. Even when it's high there's still a pretty high desertion rate, and frontline units are too quick to retreat unless a very high-ranking officer is there with them."

"During the war with Plegia our desertion rates were acceptable," Frederick pointed out.

"Even one man deserting is too many," I said, looking at the papers. "Plus, there's a huge problem with the existing command chain. It goes great until you get literally one step down from the two of you."

Chrom and Frederick exchanged a glance.

"What do you mean?" the Prince asked.

"Well, I'm glad you asked like I wasn't going to explain it anyway," I grinned. "This whole 'rank is dictated by bloodline' thing is crap. Too many of the nobles that hold significant rank are inept, and too many of the men that have any actual leadership qualities are dying in the frontlines, wasted because their leaders are fucking useless. Ah, present company excluded, of course. Anyway. It's time for a change."

"I'm almost afraid to ask," Frederick muttered.

"Then shut up and listen, Freddy, because I'm about to take y'all to school here. We need to find the best men with the highest leadership talent and train them to be our commanders instead of the Dukes and their men."

"Th-that's…" Frederick said, honestly shocked.

"How would we do that?" Chrom asked, stroking his chin. "Those men swore oaths to follow their lords, and their lords swore oaths to me. That's how the army works."

"So we cut out the middleman," I said decisively. "We turn the army from conscripts into actual soldiers; you pay those men a wage to train and fight and you'd be amazed at how fast they improve, and just how high their morale shoots."

"Turn the army into a job…" Chrom muttered, rolling the idea over in his mind.

"Right," I nodded, pressing on before Fredrick could interrupt. "Then it's quite simple, really. You're the General, Fredward here and I are your Lieutenants. The Shepherds and whatever else are your headquarters staff, outside of the chain of command and only answering to you. Then we break the army into regiments each led by a Major, who commands the Captains who command the individual squads. There's a lot more ranks we could put in there, but let's start small so we don't confuse people."

"So that puts overall command…" Chrom started.

"With you, yes," I nodded. "When you're not around it'll fall to either me or Frederick, depending who's at the HQ, and so on and so forth. No stupid pissing contests over who's in charge, no mess, no fuss. And before that particular fight starts, yes Frederick, you can be the higher-ranked of the two of us."

Chrom nodded slowly and Frederick gave a satisfied snort.

"However," I added. "We need to be smart about this. If we implement all of this at once we'll probably have a civil war on our hands. Start recruiting, send some guys to every single village to do voluntary recruitment at first and start with the training. Poach their best men so we have something to start off. Then we can slowly oust the nobles and install our own officers, leaving the nobles as figureheads so their pride isn't too hurt."

"That sounds…" Ricken mumbled.

"Exactly like what we already have," Frederick grunted. "We have ranks and we have a hierarchy of command. The only change you speak of is advancing the status of commoners."

"No, I want to introduce a merit-based permanent regular army," I sighed. "With all due respect, Fred-o, your current army structure is outdated and'll end up getting a lot of people killed."

"Yours will cause just as much death!" Frederick snapped, clearly not wanting to argue with me. "If we put untrained and inexperienced men-"

"Which is why we train them and provide the experience!" I said over top of the Knight.

"You would treat the soldiers, proud citizens of Ylisse like mercenaries!?" he retorted.

"Money talks, Frederick," I grunted. "We're not all so high-and-mighty that we don't see the need for cash. A regular man has to feed his family."

I knew he would be my biggest obstacle. Frederick was a product of this world's rigid class-structure to an absolute fault. He embodied everything I was trying to change, which meant if I could convince him I'd be able to convince anybody.

Chrom held up his hands, signaling for us to shut the hell up with a smile on his face.

"You both raise good points," he said evenly. "Ben, I would like to trial your idea. Frederick, prepare riders to go to recruit men from the villages. Make sure they explain that this is for a job, not conscription, and it's entirely voluntary."

"Yes, milord," Frederick said, bowing without a hint of hesitation before leaving the room.

"Ricken," I said over my shoulder. "I need you to do some research. Give me a training regime that would knock the wind out of the hardest knights. Then double it. If Frederick is panting when he finishes it, it's still not hard enough."

"R-right away, master!" the boy squeaked before running off after Frederick.

I snickered, my laugh turning into a wince when I turned back to Chrom and put too much weight on my side.

"Well, you took to that idea better than I thought you would," I commented, leaning back carefully.

Chrom chuckled, shaking his head as he looked at the charts I'd drawn up.

"You have yet to steer me wrong, Ben," he pointed out. "And in theory your ideas make a lot of sense. Is the army structured the same way where you are from?"

I shook my head, jumping a little when a cup of tea appeared in front of me. Chrom glanced up as Elle poured one for him, too.

"Thank you, er…" he mumbled.

"Thundercat," I supplied with a grin.

"What?" Chrom deadpanned.

"Yes and no," I said to answer Chrom's earlier question, ignoring the glare Elle was shooting me. "This is a simplified version of it. The worl- country I'm from has a lot more people, so the army is a lot bigger. There's a lot of itty-bitty little ranks and such that didn't make sense to me, especially on the scale we're operating on. So I decided to omit them. Oh, Thundercat can you bring us some tea biscuits, please?"

"It's… Elle, milord," the maid mumbled, more to Chrom than me as she produced some cookies.

Chrom quirked a brow but said nothing, chuckling a little.

"Well then, that's one problem settled," the Prince sighed, placing the papers down. "Now we just have to survive the victory party this weekend."

"Oh, right, that did get pushed back because of me…" I nodded.

"I should warn you, these things tend to get a little… rowdy," Chrom said.

"Pfft, I've been a teenager, Chrom," I laughed. "I think I can handle a rowdy party or two. But just to be safe… Thundercat! Prepare my finest battle-wear!"

"It's Elle!" the maid practically shrieked, glaring at me. "Milord," she added grudgingly as Chrom almost fell out of his chair laughing.

* * *

I shuffled through the palace grounds later that afternoon, an attentive (if yet somewhat brooding) Elle shadowing my every move. She was just as bad as Ricken since I'd been wounded. It was nice to be cared about, but I was an introvert and I did like my space.

As I was considering phony errands to get the maid to leave me alone someone entered the gardens, followed by another someone. It was hard to tell from this distance without my glasses. Miriel wore glasses, didn't she? Maybe I could hit her up for a pair…

I felt my good mood fade faster as the first someone unblurred to become Marth, followed by a tall, lanky boy in mages robes with dark red hair. The same colour as his mother's, evidently.

"Well, that was fast," I commented as Lucina and Laurent approached. "Thundercat, beat it."

"It's Elle!" the maid growled exasperatedly. "And what do you want me to beat?"

"No, that means go away for a little while," I sighed. "Go make cookies. It would please your master."

"If that is your wish, milord," Elle said stiffly as she bowed and left.

Lucina gave me a curious look as Laurent glanced between us.

"Well, Princess, colour me impressed," I said, turning to the mage and holding out my hand. "You must be Laurent. Nice to meet you, kid."

"Indeed," he said with a slight nod as he shook my hand.

"Really?" Lucina asked. "That's it? After the introduction you and I had?"

"What, you want me to sing to him or something?" I laughed. "I can, you know."

"Please don't," Laurent groaned.

"I've been told my singing is quite good, thank you," I huffed theatrically.

"You were lied to," Lucina deadpanned.

My shoulders drooped and I sighed, glaring at the Princess as she gave a victorious grin. I'd let her have this one; she'd done well, so she could have this one.

"I'll cover your room, too," I sighed. "Luce, get him set up in the same inn as you and get him up to speed. Now that you're both here we'll take a break and leave early next week."

"You have been quite cryptic about our next course of action," Lucina pointed out. "Why did I have to meet Laurent? What are you planning?"

"We're going looking for someone," I explained in a low voice. "I'm messing up the timeline by doing it, too. If we succeed. But I think we could use all the help we can get for, well… everything that comes next."

"How do you know all of this?" Lucina asked me, a bit of her old suspicion returning.

I shrugged, instantly regretting the over-exaggerated movement as pain shot up my side.

"Hey, I'm a genius, remember?"

"As am I," Laurent said, stepping forward excitedly. "I have long waited for someone to converse with on my own level!"

I snickered, grinning at the kid. This excitable mage was a far-cry from the dour, brooding man he became after wandering around the same patch of desert for five years. Plus, he was still young.

"The earth revolves around the sun. Let that settle in your mind and tell me what you think," I said.

Laurent's jaw dropped as I turned to Lucina, and as we three casually strolled back the way we had come I could hear Laurent muttering to himself, trying to wrap his head around the concept I'd thrown at him.

"Do not break my friend," Lucina muttered to me.

"He's a smart kid, he'll understand it soon enough," I shrugged. "You two might want to come up with an alias for him though, 'Marth'."

"We will come up with something," Lucina nodded.

We walked on in near silence for a few heartbeats before Lucina threw a glance at me.

"What proof do you have that the earth revolves around the sun?" she asked curiously.

I snorted, laughing at the absurdity of her question.

"I'd love to explain, but my maid is making cookies and I shan't be keeping her waiting. I think I've pissed her off enough for one day. I'll swing by the inn later and get you fully caught up on what's happened in Ylisse while you've been gone."

Lucina nodded, leading Laurent out of the courtyard and I gave a little smirk.

"Just wait til I tell the kid about space-travel," I chuckled to myself.

* * *

I let out a low groan as I settled into a chair in the royal library, my side aching like a bitch where I'd gotten stabbed. In front of me were a number of books on actual tactics from this world I was intending on studying while Lucina brought Laurent up to speed on the current situation.

After all, if I was going to play this part I figured I may as well do it properly.

However the biggest reason I was reading these dusty old books was the old saying 'know thy enemy'. I doubted tactics were that different given different dimensions or whatever else I'd crossed, but I didn't think like the people here, something that was becoming more and more apparent. Which meant I had to do some leg-work so that they didn't surprise me. With a deep sigh I flipped open the first book, one that Miriel had assured me was Valmese in origin.

On the table across from me the mage in question, who apparently would sleep in the library if she could, was fiddling with something in a small box as she flipped through the pages of a thick book, occasionally making some notes on the sheets of paper spread around her. It was just like being in the university library back home, watching someone infinitely smarter than me do their work to a much higher quality than I could ever hope to achieve while I flailed about with what I hoped were the right books and tried not to die.

"Oh god why is _that_ making me homesick?" I muttered, shaking my head a little.

Miriel glanced up over the rims of her glasses, frowning at me. However, this little action reminded me of something I'd been meaning to ask her about, and eager to escape studying any way I could I rose and shuffled over to her table.

"Hey, Miriel, can I ask you something?"

"So long as you are expedient about it," she muttered, flipping through more pages.

I glanced curiously at the book she was going through. It was apparently an encyclopedia about various flora. Plants. She seemed to be stuck on identifying some kind of mushroom, judging from the pages she was looking through. The box next to the books was full of…

"Oh my god tell me those are what I think they are," I asked, bending down to inspect the box a little closer.

"Mushrooms," Miriel said in her usual brusque tone. "I was led to believe this particular variety contains an analgesic effect, and I am trying to verify their identity before I begin clinical trials on those soldiers wounded during the campaign."

"If these are what I think they are, they'll do more than just dull pain," I chuckled, picking up one of the mushrooms.

It was a dried-out little greyish-yellow, almost brown mushroom. Totally unassuming in any way. The kind of thing that you'd find on the bark of a lot of trees. Except, and I wasn't entirely one-hundred percent here, they bore a striking resemblance to a certain 'recreational' mushroom from back home. Except they were fucking huge compared to the ones I was used to. At least three times the size. It was so beautiful it almost brought a tear to my eye.

Miriel's quill stopped mid-stroke as she looked up at me, a confused furrow in her brow.

"You… understood my technical terms?" she asked slowly.

"Dropped out of university a year before I wound up in Ylisse," I said absently. "I'm smarter than I act. And these, my dearest scientist, are quite likely a class-one narcotic."

"N-narcotic!?" Miriel recoiled, eyes wide.

"Fascinating…" she breathed, leaning closer to the box again. "How, exactly, does one experience a narcotic effect from these fungi?"

I shrugged, holding the little mushroom up with a grin. It looked about right, and I was really bored…

"This is either going to make me trip balls, or really, really sick," I said, punctuating my statement by popping the mushroom into my mouth.

"Are you daft!?" Miriel shrieked, jumping to her feet. "Did you truly just ingest an unknown substance!?"

I gagged a little as I swallowed the mushroom, grinning again.

"Little fuckers taste like ass," I chuckled. "Where'd you get 'em, anyway?"

"S-somewhere in Plegia," Miriel said, eying the mushrooms. "A merchant swore they were a local analgesic…"

"Curious?" I asked.

The scientist gulped, nodding nervously.

"I will admit to being… slightly curious, yes," she admitted.

"Okay, but first let me give you the standard disclaimer," I said, my tone serious. "I don't know if these are, indeed, the same as the ones in my home. They may make you sick as a dog, and I won't be responsible if we both die."

Miriel nodded again, and I turned to sit in the closest chair, continuing my spiel.

"However, if these are what I think they are in about half an hour you will see some crazy shit. They're a hallucinogen, and- DEAR GOD WOMAN DO NOT EAT ALL OF THOSE AT ONCE ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED!?"

Miriel looked up, her cheeks bulging with the mushrooms she'd just stuffed into her mouth.

"Spit! Spit 'em out!" I shouted. "You wanna die!? Start with one!"

Miriel looked at me like I was the retard, but did as I commanded, spitting the mushrooms back into the little box and selecting one of the larger ones to eat instead.

"Science advances in leaps and bounds," Miriel said, her tone close to a pout as she resumed her own seat. "I must document the effects of these fungi upon ingestion. You said that the hallucinogenic effect begins after roughly half an hour, yes?"

"Give or take," I sighed. "Jesus, woman. I can't believe you almost ate a whole damn handful… You'd be tripping for days… You know what, on second thought give me another one."

Miriel rolled her eyes as she slid the box closer to me.

"Can you define the hallucinogenic effect while we wait?" she asked.

"Depends on how hard it hits you," I shrugged, popping another two into my mouth for good measure. "From what you took you'll probably see some colors a little more vividly. Might want to go and listen to some music, it gets… I don't know, more awesome."

"And from the dosage you took?" Miriel asked, scribbling notes as I spoke.

I barked out a laugh.

"I'm planning to kiss the fucking sky. From what I just took I'm probably going to completely disconnect from reality for the rest of the day. So once it kicks in just kinda… help me to my room. Wait. Fuck. In fact, we should relocate there now. Like, right now."

I stood quickly, cursing myself a little. What would Chrom say if he found his tactician drooling and jabbering like a fool in the middle of his library!?

Miriel sighed, standing and collecting her things. There was a haste to her movements, though; clearly she didn't want to miss any of this. It was hard to tell, but I think she was having fun experimenting like this. For science.

"Very well," she said, following me out of the library. "This whole event is proving to be a fascinating experience."

We passed a couple of maids and I asked them to send up someone to play some music for us before we continued to my room in the royal apartments. Fortunately we didn't see any of the other Shepherds. Or rather unfortunately, given how much fun this could have been with someone like Nowi or Vaike. Virion seemed like he'd be the panicky-tripper, and Ricken would just get wound up on the stuff.

I shook my head a little as we walked. What in the hell did they cut those things with!? The walls were already so… bright. By my count it had only been about twenty minutes we'd been walking.

"Oh god this is going to be a good trip," I laughed, jumping a little as we went to my room.

Miriel made a thoughtful noise as she entered my room, looking around curiously as I ran a hand down my face. I brushed past her as she placed her burden on my desk and perched on my chair, climbing onto my bed and sitting cross-legged.

I watched intently, grinning like a nut, as Miriel blinked a few times and removed her glasses, rubbing her eyes and looking around again.

"Fascinating…" she mumbled.

"I meant to ask you," I said conversationally as I leaned back against my headboard. "Where'd you get the glasses? I could use a pair myself."

"I crafted them myself," she said absently, scribbling notes at a lightning speed. "I can make you one as well, if you desire."

"Maybe once we come down," I suggested, grinning.

Around me the patterns on the tapestries hanging on my walls were beginning to move… I think that my closet was breathing now, too. The rug had turned to a liquid, and was crashing like waves against my bed.

"Is… am I supposed to see colors like this?" Miriel asked curiously.

"Honey, I'm already fuckin' balls-deep here," I chuckled. "Just remember, what you see isn't real."

"Fascinating," Miriel muttered again. "How so?"

Her voice sounded like it was coming from a long way away now.

I laughed, I'm pretty sure for a very long time, before answering.

"You're fucking head looks like a landing light on a runway!" I giggled, rocking back and forth. "It's even doing that spinny-thing! Ha!"

"Fascinating…" Miriel said, noting everything.

"So what are you seeing?" I asked, leaning forward.

"I'm… not certain," she said after a moment, looking around. "Movement that should not be. Shapes and colors colliding and warping around us as I- eek!"

Miriel let out a little shriek, ducking. At what, I wasn't certain. But her hat fell off, grew legs and scampered across the room before letting out a little shriek of its own and disappearing into the liquid rug with a plonk sound.

"Fascinating…" Miriel repeated as she returned to her sitting position. "I think the curtains wish to dance with me…"

I'm pretty sure there was a goofy-ass grin on my face as I leaned back again. Then the door to my room opened and the minstrel entered, and my consciousness flew out past him. The walls all collapsed outwards as the universe flooded into my room. Everything was here, and nothing was here. I was a speck of cosmic dust on the solar wind as I blew through eternity. Colors became sounds, sounds became feelings, feelings became… food?

And the pain in my side was even gone.

* * *

I groaned and sat up, blinking and smacking my lips as a sheet fell off of me.

I was thirsty.

I had no idea where the fuck I was.

But I had reached enlightenment.

How long had I been out for? And, more importantly, why hadn't anyone kept me in my damn room!?

"Oh my god where the fuck am I?" I groaned, shakily getting to my feet.

And coming face to face with a white horse, blinking curiously at the human in its stable.

Not horse, I amended. Pegasus. I was in the Pegasus Roost.

"You're awake," a familiar voice said, a hint of laughter in it. "Good. I was starting to worry. And…"

Cordelia snorted when she entered my field of view, spinning away from me and laughing.

"Why are you naked!?" she half-yelled, half-laughed.

I glanced down and let out another groan as I reached for the sheet. It was a nice one. Clearly from someone important's bed.

"I had a great trip," I sighed, tying the sheet around myself like a toga.

"What?" she laughed.

"Don't ask," I sighed, exiting her mount's stable. "It was some serious 'science'. I wouldn't suggest it for first-timers. Oh fuck where's Miriel?"

"The last I had heard she had not left the library in almost an entire day," Cordelia said, turning back again. "Just after you and she had the court minstrels play in your room. What was that about? Just what kind of science were you practicing?"

"Science," I said with conviction, striking a pose.

* * *

 **AN2015: What can you look forward to in this story's 2016? A big, overdue, victory party! Getting Ricken laid! More substance abuse (which I do not condone IRL)! And finally the mystery mission they've been talking about for the last three chapters! All that before we finally move on to Valm! Whoop whoop! That's it! Have a good Christmas! See Y'all in the new year!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note**

 **Oh my God we're back!**

 **So, someone was kind enough to bring up the fact that I was sticking so close to the story of Awakening. You know what? I fucking hate Self Insert stories that make dramatic fucking changes to the storyline, to the point where it's barely recognizable. Am I going to stay spot on to the story? No. Am I going to up and say "right you lot, let's pre-emptively invade Valm!"? No. There's a delicate middle ground to tread with this kind of thing. Plus, there's a big point where the SI says 'at least if I follow the script I know we'll win'. But really, this story is utter shite anyway, so it's not like I care all that much…**

 **I had trouble with this chapter, and not just because of the lingering phantom of Fates screaming 'play me!' in my ear. Look, this chapter has some… guy-talk. It's horribly sexist and misogynistic, but it's all in good fun so don't hate me for it.**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Twelfth, or 'The Long Awaited Victory Soirée'**

A few days after my science experiment with Miriel, I decided that it was finally time to make good on my promise of getting Ricken laid. Well, I had only promised to help him talk to girls, but in my mind it was better to be thrown in the deep end with these things. However, he had zero experience with women, so he'd need some hella-good wingmen. I alone wouldn't cut it. We needed a squad.

That was how I found myself knocking on Lucina's door at the inn early one afternoon, looking for Laurent.

"Yes?" she answered through the door.

"Silence is golden," I replied, smirking.

There was a sound like someone frustratedly beating their head against the door before it opened, revealing a familiar pretty, yet clearly irritated, face.

"Laurent in there?" I asked, pushing past her into the room.

I was pretty sure I could literally hear the sound of grinding teeth behind me, but ignored it as the mage in question looked up at me from the floor. He was sitting cross-legged beneath the window, pouring over some medieval-level books on astrology and physics as he tried to comprehend what I'd told him about the Earth rotating around the sun. It also looked like he'd barely slept in the last few days, he'd been so focused on this.

"C'mon, bro, break time!" I said cheerfully. "Think up an alias yet?"

Laurent blinked up at me before shaking his head and carefully closing his book.

"I have been otherwise occupied," he said. "You have need of me?"

"Kinda," I shrugged. "We're going drinking. I figured you'd like to get out of this room for a little while."

"I would not wish to interfere with the time-line-" Laurent started before I cut him off.

"You won't," I assured him. "When you lot came back in time you created a branching world-line, so you don't have to worry about magicking yourselves out of existence or any crap like that."

"You have proof?" Laurent asked.

"I have a gut feeling," I replied. "Besides, you need to get outside more. You're all pale and thin! Come drink with us, leave little-miss-sour-puss here and come have some fun with the boys!"

"I swear you merely exist to irritate me," Lucina sighed, perching on the edge of her bed.

Laurent looked to her questioningly, to which she simply sighed again and shrugged.

"Why not?" she said. "It cannot do any harm if you keep your identity secret."

"I will need an alias, then," Laurent said hesitantly.

We all stood or sat in silence for a moment, thinking. I hadn't paid a lot of attention in my Philosophy classes, which was probably why I'd failed the stupid fucker twice, but one great thinker had always intrigued me.

"Isaac," I said, breaking the silence.

Laurent and Lucina looked to me questioningly.

"That is a rather plain name," Lucina pointed out.

"Sir Isaac Newton was credited as one of the greatest thinkers and scientists of all time in my homeland," I explained. "The way Laurent was pouring over the books made me think of him."

"Adequate," Laurent nodded.

"Right-o, then," I said, clapping my hands. "Sorry, Princess, but you'll have to sit this one out. C'mon, Isaac! Let's go get fucked up."

We left a grouchy Lucina behind and headed back to the palace. Our next stop was the Shepherds' barracks. My plan here was simple. Coerce anyone with a penis inside to come and drink while we coached Ricken on picking up girls. Laurent, or 'Isaac', followed at my shoulder, fidgeting a little as he looked at the unfamiliar sights around him.

Without hesitating I threw the door to the barracks open and stepped in, taking the interior in in a single glance. I wasn't exactly experienced with picking up girls at bars; I had usually ended up getting laid at house parties when I was younger and single, and blind drunk, so we needed pick-up experts.

"Virion, Lon'qu, Vaike!" I called. "And Kellam, too, if you're here! Let's go drinking!"

* * *

We walked into some seedy tavern about an hour later, me leading a crazy-nervous Ricken with one hand on the shoulder while the others followed. 'Isaac' was, of course, rather interested in talking to his father, which was interesting because, unlike Miriel, it seemed he was actually capable of dumming-down his speech so that ordinary people could understand it. Lon'qu and Virion were arguing over the qualities of wine, and Kellam was silently bringing up the rear.

How that man moved so quietly in all that armor was still, to this day, beyond me…

We set up in a corner booth near the stairs to the rooms above, where we could scope out the entire bar, and ordered the first round. On me, because this was my idea and I'd finally gotten all my back-pay. As we drank from our apparently bottomless tankards, and Virion and Lon'qu continued arguing over the wine in their mugs, we scoped out the bar for any potential mates for young Ricken.

It was the after-dinner rush, so the place was packed. Bad music fought with the laughter and shouting of the patrons for the title of 'loudest thing in the bar' and serving girls ranging the gambit from moderately attractive to smokin' were running around with drinks. I was no pick-up artist, but I was thinking even I could get laid in this place.

"Okay, before we start here are the two golden rules," I said as we took our seats. "Keep your fluids up by drinking lots of water, because if this goes well you're gonna need them. And if when you're done she asks for coin, pay her because you don't need to get your legs broke by some angry pimp. But remember, if she asks to be paid, you've lost."

"Now then. You know what we need?" I suggested, clapping my hands and rubbing them together excitedly. "We need experience. See any older ladies that would rock the kid's world?"

"I believe that the barmaid over there might be 'experienced'…" Virion said.

The woman in question was slim to the point of being thin, and had clearly been doing this job for a long time. She was wearing her skirt a little lower than the younger girls, but still had a bounce in her step and a wiggle in her hips.

"Should we not aim for a girl closer to his age?" Laurent asked. "Her for example?"

I looked at another barmaid, wiping down a table in the back and clearly positioning herself to avoid getting slapped on the ass by some drunken tradesman. She was pretty enough, but from her body language I could tell Ricken didn't stand a chance.

"No, she's frigid as a stone," Virion said, echoing my thoughts. "Look at her posture; she stands like a man to dissuade the clientele from her."

"What about her?" Vaike asked, leaning forward and indicating another barmaid with his chin. "Teach likey what Teach see."

Next to him Laurent frowned a little, but otherwise remained silent. Vaike was clearly talking about the hottest piece of ass in this room, the serving girl with her skirt hiked up past her knees and her blouse unbuttoned to show a large amount of her ample cleavage. God, I ended up at half-mast just watching her for a few seconds as she clearly played the crowd for tips.

"Nah," I said, shifting my focus back to the table. "Hot girls like that are way too high-maintenance. Besides, when they know they're hot like her they get conceited. She probably wouldn't even glance at the kid. Too much effort."

"Besides," I laughed. "Everyone knows the song, right? 'If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, so for my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you!'"

The whole table burst out laughing as I was suddenly reminded that no, they most likely did not know that particular song. Too bad, it was a funny song.

"Good advice," Lon'qu chuckled.

"Ooh, Teach is gonna have to remember that one," Vaike added.

"Indeed," Laurent said with the first smile I'd seen on his thin face.

"But therein lies the issue," Virion said, leaning forward. "We do not want our boy's first to be with an 'ugly girl', correct? We wish him to experience the rush of the most beauteous of beauties becoming his! Right?"

"Er… I-I don't really…" Ricken mumbled into his mug.

"You know what I think? I think we need to be a little drunker first," I said, signaling for another round.

* * *

"Hi there," I said later to one of the middle-tier attractive barmaids, tapping her on the shoulder to get her attention.

"Haaaaaave you met Ricken?"

She looked up at us and smiled, turning to Ricken. That was my cue, of course, to make myself scarce. As I disappeared around the barmaid I glanced back at Ricken's shocked, panicked face. I gave him the thumbs-up and kept going. Fortunately, I managed to hold it in until I got back to the booth with the others, and then I burst out laughing.

"That was cold," Vaike chuckled, craning his neck to watch.

"It works, trust me," I said, still snickering.

NPH had yet to steer me wrong…

"Where's Virion?" I asked, suddenly realizing we were a man short.

"He said something about the bar being 'too quiet'," Laurent reported.

I shrugged, sipping from my tankard and watching Ricken's incredibly awkward courtship ritual. In the end we had wound up just drinking and unwinding half the night, mostly to try and help the kid relax a little. Then I'd decided that nothing was going to work better than the old 'Have You Met Ted?' pick up, so it was simply a matter of finding the right mark.

As we watched Ricken said something and the girl burst into a fit of giggles, reaching out to stroke his shoulder while she laughed.

"He's doing good!" I said, a smile breaking out on my face as I turned back to the table.

"Indeed," Lon'qu nodded with a grin of his own.

"A boy becomes a man…" Vaike said, a far-away look in his eye before he turned to Laurent. "Your turn now, right Isaac?"

The skinny mage spluttered into his mug of ale, coughing and beating his fist into his chest as the three of us started to laugh again.

"I… I should think not," he managed to groan, before coughing some more.

Seeing as it was later into the night now our table had acquired quite the collection of empty mugs and tankards. Fortunately, it appeared that the booze was quite watered down. Meaning that we still had most of our wits about us. Or we would, until I figured out the local equivalent of tequila…

The post-dinner rush had passed, and the mood had become more subdued as people relaxed. It was a good atmosphere, and I was actually really enjoying myself. And I'm really not one for going out like this.

We lapsed into silence after that, each nursing our own drinks as we became lost in our thoughts. Personally, I wondered if I'd be able to get the 'Have you met Ted?' trick to work twice… I think Vaike would screw it up by not subtly disappearing, and Lon'qu couldn't get that close to women… Just as I was preparing to ask Laurent to help me out, a shadow passed over our table as the waitress led Ricken towards the stairs by the hand.

"Holy crap that was fast," Vaike commented, eyes wide. "The kid is good."

"I told him to use the 'I'm shipping out back to the border tomorrow, so we may never get this chance again' line," I chuckled.

Ricken gave us a nervous look as they got onto the stairs, and we all gave him silent gestures of encouragement. Again, I can't believe a line as clichéd and outdated as 'I'm shipping out' worked here, but the people here seemed to be rather naive…

However, and with almost comically good timing, before I could order us a victory round the doors to the tavern swung wide as a large group came tromping in, a very satisfied Virion and a very pissed looking Sully at their head.

"Right, you lot!" she practically snarled as she stomped over to our table. "Who said you could celebrate without us!?"

She punctuated her question by snatching the half-full mug out of my hand and downing the contents in one go as Chrom led the rest of the Shepherds into the tavern.

"I decided to move the party up a little," he said with an apologetic shrug.

I looked at them for a moment, standing expectantly at the entrance to the bar clearly waiting for me to say something. With a shrug I turned to the bar and shouted;

"Barkeep! Hope you've got a lotta booze and a lotta mugs, cause we're gonna get plastered and probably break shit! Holy fuck, it'll be like my high-school graduation all over again…"

* * *

"You know, you're like a brother to me…"

"That right, Chrom?"

"You bet your hind-quarters! I never… *hic* had a brother… so when you came along I was… *hic* like 'oh look! I can have a brother now'! Sisters, man…"

I snickered a little as Chrom leaned on me, spilling half of his ale all over the floor. It had been a few hours now since everyone else had shown up, and the party was in full swing. Eating, drinking, dancing, cards, arm-wrestling, hooking up… Yup, it was like the myriad of post-high school parties all over again.

"You have to be my best man!" Chrom slurred.

"Alright, alright! Ease up on the threads, dude!" I laughed.

Chrom was hanging on me like I was Sumia, who was unfortunately busy giggling like a harpy with Cordelia, Lissa and Maribelle. Sully had cornered Frederick, too, so here I was stuck alone with drunken Chrom, who had apparently never drank before in his life. I was on my ninth tankard of the watery ale. He was only on his third. I mean, I am Germanic in origin, so beer held no power over me, but still…

"Isn't this grand?" Chrom asked, flopping back in his chair.

"What? Us making an ungodly mess of this bar?" I laughed.

"No, genius," Chrom slurred. "I mean all of us here to celebrate! Where is Ricken, anyway?"

"Upstairs," I said without preamble. "He's been up there for a while, too. Must be having a lot of fun."

"If it's fun upstairs I must try it!" Chrom declared, sitting up straighter.

"Sure, but take Sumia with you or it'll just be boring," I laughed, slapping him on the back.

I looked around the bar as Chrom fumbled with his mug, spilling even more of his ale. Everyone was here, and everyone was having fun. I was over the first major hurdle, which was Plegia and Gangrel. With a strange feeling of guilt I realized, as my gaze settled on Laurent drinking with both of his parents, that not all of us were here.

"Chrom, I'll be right back," I said, standing.

I swayed a little, the nine ales making my head swim, but I managed to steady myself. Without a further word I walked out, oblivious in my drunken single-mindedness to whether or not the others even noticed me leaving. I wobbled my way through the Ylisstol streets, mercifully quiet this late at night, to Lucina's inn. The tavern we were wrecking was actually quite close to the inn, which worked out well for me because I was a lot drunker than I realized. I, again, managed to stumble up the stairs without breaking anything, and slumped against Lucina's door.

My face rested against the warm, untreated timber, and I had to close my eyes to collect my thoughts. The night air was supposed to be good for clearing your head while you'd been drinking, making me wonder just how drunk I had been before I stood up.

I knocked a few times, ending up slapping the door with the back of my hand instead of my knuckles.

"Golden is silence," I stage-whispered through the door.

There was a sound from within, but I couldn't place it. I waited patiently for a few moments before knocking again.

"C'mon, Princess, I know you're in there!" I said, my drunken mouth mangling the sentence. "Come drinking with us! We're all waiting on you! C'mon! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'll sing! Don't think I won't!"

I knocked again, with a specific pattern this time.

" _Do you want to build a snowman? C'mon let's go and play! I never see you any more, come out the door, it's like you've gone away! We used to be best buddies, now we're not. I wish you would tell me why. Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn't have to be a snowman…_ "

Just as I went to knock again to start the second verse the door opened. Of course, I was still resting my face with most of my body-weight against the door, so I fell through it. Right on top of a pissed-off Lucina. Now, usually I would have been able to catch myself in a situation like this. I may be an uncoordinated mother-fucker with no concept of the word 'grace' unless we're talking the Lamb of God song, but I'm not that bad. However, as anyone who's ever ingested nine big fuck-off mugs of beer will tell you, you will fall down. A lot. And I was honestly surprised I hadn't fallen down yet.

Clearly my Germanic origins had failed me.

And now here we were, with me falling on top of a surprised and still clearly pissed off Lucina like some cheap anime trope. She didn't even have time to step back. As soon as the door opened, I went down like a sack of potatoes. Usually, I would have found this unbearably funny. It still kinda was, but I wasn't so drunk I had no concept of the danger I was in.

"Whoa-shit…"

"What are you- EEK!"

I groaned, rising up on my hands and knees and shaking the stars out of my head. As I opened my eyes, the first stars were replaced by more when Lucina blindsided me and punched me in the head.

"GET OFF, YOU PERVERT!"

I rolled to one side, blinking as the room spun from more than the effects of the alcohol now.

Why I had thought this was a good idea in the first place…

I sat up, doing my best not to puke in her room and further anger the goddess of pain that was Lucina any further. She had retreated across the room, and only then did I realize she was already in her night-clothes. A plain white chemise being held down over her thighs with one hand and not a whole helluva-lot else. No wonder she was pissed. She probably wouldn't have even let me in.

It was good to see she was filling out, though. With enough food to go around now she was starting to look a little less like a skinny kid, and a little more like an actual woman. Or so my drunken brain thought, anyway.

"Get dressed! We're going drinking!" I said, clearly oblivious to the danger I was in.

"Get! Out!" Lucina screamed at me.

"Okay, okay, I can wait," I sighed, rolling again and crawling out of the room.

I sat with my back against the door for I don't even know how long. The innkeeper on duty stuck his head up the stairs at one point, and I smiled and waved before he shook his head and left us to our own devices.

When Lucina finally opened the door again she was back in her regular clothes. I noticed all of this as I fell backwards in a heap, ending up doing the dead-starfish in the middle of her doorway.

"You have one opportunity to explain yourself," Lucina ground out.

It was at that point I realized she'd pulled her parallel Falchion out from under her bed, and was pointing it at me.

"You were here," I said.

"Of course I was! Where else would I be!?"

"You weren't at the bar."

"You told me to- what is your point!?"

"Everyone else is at the bar," I said, matter of factly. "Except you. Everyone else showed up. Except you. And it's not right. We need you there."

Lucina continued to glare at me for a moment before she sighed and lowered her sword.

"I would not want to spoil everyone else's fun," she said in a tired voice.

"Which is exactly what you're doing sitting here alone," I pointed out, still prone on the floor.

"They do not wish to revel with me," Lucina sighed. "I am a stranger to them."

"Yet Laurent's the life of the party," I chuckled. "Kid's a lot more social than his mother. Must get it from his dad's side."

Lucina froze, a confused look crossing her features.

"Laurent is… enjoying himself?" she asked hesitantly.

"Drinking like a fish, swearing like a sailor, and I'm pretty sure some of the guys were talking about getting him laid, too. Life of the party."

"I… do not think I…" Lucina began to say.

I cut her off with a theatrical sigh, sitting up and swaying a little.

"Look, either you come and drink with us, or I go downstairs, swipe the innkeeper's wine and we drink up here."

"I do not even know how to begin to-" she started, pushing my last little button.

"Right, here it is. Give me a minute."

I practically jumped to my feet and almost fell down before Lucina stopped me.

"W-wait!" she cried.

I glanced over my shoulder, a grin starting to form on my face.

"I… I will accompany you to the tavern," she said slowly.

"Fuck yeah you will."

* * *

I stepped back into the familiar scene at the tavern, everyone looking up as I screeched at the top of my lungs.

"CABBAGES!"

"I brought Marth!" I added, swaying a little as I stepped into the tavern proper. "Someone reward me with more liquor!"

And with that Marth was swallowed up, a terrified look on her face, as the myriad drunken Shepherds latched onto her. Sumia was first, though, so it appeared that there would be some happy family time or some shit while I punished my liver for existing.

"I was wondering where you went," Chrom laughed as I returned to my spot at the table.

"Wasn't quite right without all of us here," I shrugged.

Chrom nodded, slapping me on the shoulder. Only then did I realize that Ricken was slumped with his face on the table behind me, grinning into space with a few empty cups near him.

"Heya kid, how was it?" I asked, turning a little.

"I can die now," Ricken said. "I am okay with dying now. I have no more regrets."

"That good?" I laughed.

"She did this thing where she put her ankles behind her head and… just… wow," he sighed into the tabletop. "I didn't know that two human bodies could bend like that, but we did it…"

"Feeling more confident yet?"

"Fuck. Yes," Ricken said, his voice firm.

"Why are you slouched like that anyway?" Chrom asked.

"My abs are killing me," Ricken moaned. "If I try to move I'm going to puke."

"I am so proud of you," I said, pretending to wipe a tear away. "Let this be a lesson to you. The quiet ones are usually the freakiest."

"This has been the best night of my life," Ricken said, wincing as he sat up. "And it's all thanks to you, master. You are the best friend I've ever had."

"Aw, shucks, kid," I chuckled, imitating Goofy.

The young mage downed the remainder of his cup, water I was pleased to see, before standing.

"Now, if you'll all excuse me my darling Amy is waiting for me upstairs."

"Go get her, tiger!" I urged, slapping him on the back. "Time for round two! Fuck her brains out!"

"What?" Chrom asked, quirking his head before comprehension dawned on his drunken face. "Oh. Oh! That's why you told me to take Sumia… Ben!"

I burst out laughing so hard I rocked back and forth in my chair as Ricken scooted up the stairs, Vaike, Laurent, Kellam and Lon'qu all cheering him on as the rest of the Shepherds watched with confused, but ultimately uncaring, expressions.

"That is the future queen of Ylisse you're talking about!" Chrom continued to hiss. "Show some respect and- damn you stop laughing!"

I howled with the annoying 'hyena-laugh' I'd inherited from my mother, my face going red as Chrom huffed and crossed his arms, waiting for me to finish.

"You're still thinking about it, aren't you?" I asked between gasping breaths.

"No!" he half-shouted. "Maybe! Is there a way to reserve a room!?"

"Ask the innkeeper," I laughed.

I swear to god I stopped breathing, I was laughing so hard when Chrom blushed, nodded and rose on unsteady legs, offering me a muttered thanks as he went to speak to the innkeeper behind the bar.

And I was finally left alone again, watching the Shepherds from the outside as they celebrated their victory over Plegia. They deserved the break. After everything we'd been through…

With a sigh, it hit me all at once again. I was here, away from home. A long-ass-fucking way from home. Different dimension. I thought for a while there that I was over the homesickness, but in the end I guess you never get over something like that.

The worst part was I still wasn't even sure I wanted to go home. A very large part of me wanted to stay here, in Ylisse, and just leech off my knowledge of Fire Emblem for the rest of my life. But a voice in the back of my head kept whispering 'you don't belong here', and I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't shake the feeling that just by being here with my prior knowledge I was cheating, and it was killing me.

Just as I drained the remainder of Chrom's drink to try and silence that little voice, and the other one crying from my abdomen 'please, no more!', I felt someone rest themselves against my back and wrap their arms around me.

"Hello, dearest," Maribelle whispered in my ear.

Clearly, if her breath was anything to go by, she and the other girls had been hitting the wine pretty hard. Meaning that I was in for some no-doubt inescapable grinding. Which, given my previous train of thought, made me feel even worse.

"Oh I am so not in the mood for this," I muttered, reaching for the next half-full cup on the table.

"I haven't seen you at all yet this evening," she said, moving around to my front. "And it just wouldn't be a celebration if I couldn't spend it with you…"

"Okay, off," I groaned. "I'm in a bad mood, and I'm still actually rather miffed with you."

Maribelle actually reeled back, a shocked look on her face. I was probably being too harsh, not to mention about to make a huge fucking mistake, but I was drunk. That what I like to tell myself, anyway. Drunk Ben was definitely not the best man for this conversation, but he was the first one up to the plate, and Maribelle had the sad misfortune of running afoul Drunk Ben.

"Why, whatever is the matter, dear?" she asked, serious concern in her voice now.

"Why is it that everyone, Chrom included, seems to think we're getting married?" I asked with a deepening frown. "Didn't I say that I wouldn't do anything until I could talk to the head of my family?"

Maribelle nodded quickly, smiling weakly.

"Why, I may have mentioned it to my darling Lissa-"

"And it got back to Chrom," I cut her off. "Which then led to it getting to everyone. The Ylissean court included. And I'm not happy. Let me be clear. I have no intention of getting married."

I stood, my chair scraping across the floor with the motion.

"Just leave me alone," I growled, stepping past the stunned woman.

"Darling, wait!" Maribelle pleaded, grabbing my arm.

"I said fuck off!" I snapped, yanking my arm free.

I ignored the hurt look from her and the curious gazes of a few of the closer Shepherds as I stomped out towards the back door, gnashing my teeth and setting my shoulders. Fortunately the kitchen staff of the tavern clearly took the hint and left me alone as I passed through, emerging behind the wooden building in the dark alleyway. I took a deep breath of the cool night air, sinking into a sitting position against the closest wall as I tried to catch my breath. With a snarl I violently grabbed a vulenary, upended the little vial into my mouth and then smashed the empty glass against the wall opposite me.

Well, I had well and truly burned that bridge to the fucking ground. Not the first time I'd done something stupid and irreparable while I'd been drinking. Honestly, I should have known better by now.

Yup. I'd been a grade-a ass hole. With a capital A.

This was another thing I was beginning to notice lately. My modern personality wasn't quite compatible with the medieval-level ones here in Ylisse. I just wasn't meshing properly, and it was starting to cause friction now. Not just with the other Ylissean nobles, but with the other Shepherds now, too. Maribelle had just been the unlucky one to push me over the edge first. It could have easily been Tharja or Lissa, or even Chrom or Virion.

The combination of booze and homesickness wasn't helping.

"Well, that was a little harsh."

I sighed, glancing up at Cordelia leaning in the door and looking down at me with a worried expression.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine," I lied. "I assume I just killed the mood inside?"

She shook her head, smiling a little.

"You were quite quiet," she said. "Only those of us closest to your table noticed, and then Lady Maribelle laughed and played it off before ordering the largest size of wine she could get. She is very concerned with her social standing's appearance."

"Well, at least I didn't ruin the party," I sighed, resting my forehead on my knees.

"I have honestly never seen Tharja smile like that, though," Cordelia added. "It was… terrifying."

I laughed at that, and the Pegasus Knight smiled again as she sunk to sit in the dirt next to me, our shoulders touching.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"I'm just homesick," I sighed again. "It's nothing worth talking about."

"You know, I have this friend," she said, leaning her head on my shoulder. "He's strange, and rough around the edges, but he gives good advice, and he told me that it helps to talk about it."

"Sounds like a real jackass," I scoffed.

"Oh, he is," Cordelia chuckled. "But he is a good friend, and I worry about him."

I sighed again. I'd honestly never told anyone this before, but if she was offering…

"I got hurt real bad by my last girlfriend," I admitted. "It ended badly. But… I hurt her, too. It was brutal, and both of us walked away broken people. Afterwards I said I'd rather be alone than let it happen again. I don't… ever want that kind of shit on my karma again, and it makes trying to be in another relationship… hard. Complicated."

"It doesn't have to be," Cordelia muttered after a moment.

"Well, this is real life and it is," I sighed. "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore."

Cordelia rose up, moving to look me in the eyes.

"I think you know what you have to do," she said. "You're just too scared to admit it."

I took a moment to digest her words, looking down at the ground as she stood and brushed herself off. With a smile, she held out her hand to help me up, too.

She was right. I did know what I had to do. And I needed to start doing it now, not later.

I didn't take her hand, pushing myself up off the wall instead.

"Go back inside and enjoy the party, Cordelia," I said, turning away. "I think I've had enough to drink for one night. I'm going home."

I don't really recall the journey back to the palace, but when I returned to my room I began to make plans. Plans for the army and their training, plans for building a fleet of warships, plans for my own training, plans for everything. Two years was a long, long time. I had work to do, and I wouldn't waste time drinking anymore.

I wasn't about to die before I could figure out whether or not I wanted to stay in Ylisse or not.

And now I had two whole years to grind.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note**

 **Important announcement at the end of this chapter.**

 ***sigh* There's more sex stuff in this chapter. Be prepared for it.**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Thirteenth, or 'The Time-Warp has been done! Again!'**

So, let's skip the scenes of the repetitive grinding, sobriety and general boredom I was involved in for the last two years, shall we? The most interesting thing that happened was the escalating prank-war with Lissa, so I'll give you the abridged version.

The first thing I did was write out the plot of Awakening and all the relevant, important information. Support conversation flags, the enemy spawn points I remembered from the harder levels, I wrote down everything. And then locked it in my desk, because I didn't need everyone thinking I was crazy. Crazier. Whatever.

I then threw myself into my work and training, insisting that Lon'qu work me until my hands bled. I was utter shite at first, because when you have terrible hand-eye-coordination everything is hard, but I got better slowly. When the first draftees showed up for the Ylissean Army training, I started running the drills with them, too. In fact, a lot of the Shepherds did. I did so mostly to help my own fitness levels, but also for unit cohesion. After the first six months we'd built up quite the rapport with the men. After the first year, I was pretty confident they'd follow me into hell if I ordered them to. Plus, the end result was the flat stomach I'd always dreamed of but been too distracted by fast food and cake to achieve!

There were all the weddings and shit, too. I wound up being best man at Chrom's, and Vaike's, too, for some weird reason. As for my personal relationships, well… I distanced myself from Cordelia a little, and tried and failed to do the same with Tharja. Panne had eventually returned, too, but acted as if nothing had happened between us, which given my current state I was pretty okay with. Maribelle up and went back to Themis. She came up with some bull-shit excuse, but I knew why. It was simple; I'd been a jackass. Drinking was no excuse for my behavior. She tried to see me a few times before she left, but I gave Elle strict instructions to turn aside anyone except Chrom, Frederick or Lon'qu, so she left without seeing me again. Which was for the best, in the end. In hindsight, I hadn't shared the same feelings that she had for me, even if they were born out of a desire to increase her social standing. Stringing her along and being too weak to make my actual feelings known had been crueler than she deserved, that was for sure. Apparently she married Stahl about a year later. He invited me to the wedding, but I made sure I was running drills in the forest with the army regiments that week. It would have just been awkward, anyway.

We'd constructed a nice little armada of Ylissean warships in secret, too, on an island to the south of Ylisse. The flagship, a heavy corvette I'd christened _Asuna_ (because apparently I was never going to see how season two ended) and then had to spend a month trying to talk Chrom out of naming baby-Cynthia the same, was a beautiful ship. Or so they assured me; the boats all looked the damn same to me. It was a small fleet, only ten ships, but ten sturdy warships was better than the zero we were supposed to have. And let's face facts, putting ten ships together in two years given their current technological level was pretty impressive in my mind. Apparently we'd still have to ask Validar for help with troop transports, anyway. Which worked for me, because I really wanted to see the look on his face when I showed up instead of his son.

I really, really wanted to see how that particular plot point played out.

Lucina and Laurent kept busy, too, running whatever errands I could throw at them to fuck with the timeline a little more. They went around, basically assassinating mercenaries and bandits that were bosses later, as well as helping Plegian refugees get over the border so there were less souls to feed Grima when the giant reptilian douche was awakened. So far my efforts were going largely unnoticed, but I wasn't about to push my luck and tip my hand to Validar this early in the game.

So I'd sent them looking for Emmeryn, she of the Spot-Pass. I had a few other units of woodsmen and scouts doing odd-jobs for me, scouting out the locations that the other time-travelers arrived in and the like, but this one was one that I trusted only Lucina to do. It took them long enough, too.

Eventually, nearly two years to the day since we'd defeated Gangrel, I glanced up from my desk in the army's barracks outside Ylisstol as the door opened. I'd set myself up there not long after the boys had arrived, citing unit cohesion again, even if I still ate and slept at the Palace with Chrom and the others.

"Welcome back," I said, perking up instantly.

Two hooded figures and one wearing a pointed mages hat stepped into my office, Lucina drawing the hood off of her long cobalt hair as a stubble-coated Laurent removed his hat. My momentary excitement was pretty much ground out when the third figure removed the hood off of her striking crimson hair, tied up in twintails.

"So I see you didn't find Emmeryn, huh?" I sighed, deflating in my chair.

Lucina shook her head, sighing as well. Apparently there was only so much screwing with the timeline I could do, in the end. It was disappointing, but I would deal with it. I had still gotten an extra body, plus I was about to get seven more, too. So I could wait.

It would have been interesting, though, getting Emmeryn so early. Especially given that she would be a promoted-level unit, while I'm pretty sure that none of the others were at that stage yet. Plus, ya know, it'd be nice for Chrom and Lissa to have their sister back, I guess. I felt like kind of a douche for thinking about it strictly strategically there for a second.

"Ben, we all watched her die. There was no way she survived that fall."

"Yet you still went looking," I pointed out, smirking. "Tell you what. If we don't find Emmeryn, alive and well, before we deal with Grima, I'll eat your sword."

"And if we do?" Lucina asked, eyes narrowing.

"You give me a ten second frencher, tongue and all," I said with a lecherous wink.

Laurent snorted and looked away, trying to stifle his laughter as Lucina sighed and shook her head, holding one gloved hand to her brow in irritation.

Yeah, just because I'd been busy for two years didn't mean my personality had changed _that_ much.

"To think I actually looked forward to seeing you again…" she muttered.

The third member of their party, silently looking back and forth between Lucina and Laurent to try and figure out what I was talking about clearly got sick of waiting, scoffed and sunk to a hip as she glared at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners?" I said, standing to introduce myself.

Lucina beat me to the punch, though, throwing out a snide comment that actually made me strangely proud before I could speak again.

"You had manners?" she scoffed, smirking at me.

"Ooh, sick burn Princess," I chuckled. "Missed you, too."

"Anyway," I said, turning to the redhead and holding out my hand. "My name is Ben, I'm the tactician, and until we head to Valm you will be working with these two directly under me."

"Severa," she introduced herself, cautiously taking my hand.

"Happy to have you aboard," I nodded, shaking her hand. "Have you thought of an alias yet? You'll need one until Lucina blows your cover."

"I most certainly will not 'blow our cover'!" the Princess snapped at me.

"Suuuure you won't," I said condescendingly. "It'll happen right before we go to Valm. Want to make another bet about it?"

"Very well," the Princess said with a cruel smirk. "If I do not blow the cover before we set foot on the boats as you insist we will, you must spend the entire trip across the sea in your smallclothes. If I indeed blow our cover before we embark for Valm I will give you a _twenty_ second 'frencher'."

"So it's win-win for you, huh?" I laughed. "Fine. Deal. Avoid garlic for the next few weeks-"

"Gawds!" Severa exploded, actually stomping her foot. "If you two are just about done flirting I'd like to get on with things! We've been travelling for weeks and I need a bath!"

I could already tell she was going to be a headache. Tsunderes were cute in anime and games, not so much in reality. Lucina actually went bright red at this exchange, and Laurent burst out laughing so hard his glasses slipped off his nose.

"Alright, alright ya walking tsundere-trope," I sighed. "Back on topic. You'll need an alias. Got any ideas? You know, I don't care. It's only for a few more weeks, so in that time your name is Luna. Capeesh?"

"L-Luna?" Severa asked, her brow furrowing.

"It means 'moon' in a dead language in my homeland," I explained. "It's considered one of the most beautiful words there are back home, so I hope you appreciate it."

"W-well, yeah, of course someone as beautiful as me deserves a beautiful alias," Severa said, switching to dere-mode as a slight pinkish tint rose to her cheeks.

"Uh-huh," I nodded, turning back to my chair. "Oh, one more thing. Who's your dad?"

To my knowledge, Cordelia had done pretty much the same as me in the last two years and thrown herself at rebuilding the Pegasus Knights with Sumia. So she hadn't gotten close to anyone, meaning I didn't know who to get her close to.

Severa frowned again, shifting uncomfortably.

"There are anomalies with our memories in that regard," Laurent reported dryly. "Much the same as our memories of you."

"Yeah, I'm the wrench in the works alright," I sighed, pulling the signet ring off my finger and holding it up. "Okay. Go rest up. Lucina, Laurent, get her set up at the inn with you guys. On me. If you want, you can go and use the royal bathhouse, too. Show her the ring and Elle will tee it up. Just be done before evening and bring me back the stupid ring."

"That won't be necess-" Lucina started, never finishing her statement.

Severa darted forward, snatching the ring out of my hand and holding it close to her chest with a hungry expression on her face.

"The royal bathhouse!? Seriously!?" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, enjoy it while you can," I chuckled. "Now go. I still have work to do."

Lucina and Laurent exchanged a glance at their friend's behavior. Laurent grinned and shrugged, leaving Lucina to sigh.

"Very well," she conceded. "We will report to you after dinner."

I grunted in response, already back at my paperwork and shooing them out the door with a wave of my hand. As they left I had to laugh, Lucina lamely muttering to herself as she shut the door.

"We do not… 'flirt'," she grumbled.

"Oh, hey Princess!" I called after them.

The trio stopped, looking back at me with varying levels of hostility.

"Just thought you'd want to know, your sister was born last month and now both of you have officially puked on me."

The look on Lucina's face promised murder, and I genuinely couldn't tell if it was red out of embarrassment or pure rage. Probably a little of both. Laurent and Severa both laughed, though, so I took it as a win.

* * *

That evening, after 'Luna' had been safely set up at the same inn as the other two and my work with the army was done I made the usual return trek to the palace for dinner. Again, as usual, Elle was waiting at the bottom of the stairs patiently for me, her hands clasped neatly in front of her and her posture perfect as she stood in the shade. When she spotted me a small smile rose to her face and she gave a small curtsey as I approached.

"Good evening, milord," she said. "Dinner is ready. Shall I have it brought to your room?"

"No, I'm getting sick of eating in my room like a hermit. I'll eat in the upstairs dining room if no one's using it."

"Of course, milord," Elle said. "I'll make the arrangements. Will Lady Tharja be joining you?"

"Most likely," I sighed, my head drooping a little as I began to climb the stairs.

By this point I'd given up. Tharja was like a dog that's gotten a taste for sleeping on the sofa. There is no way in hell you'd ever train her to sleep on the floor again. She had her own job, courtesy of me, to do as much research and make as many nasty area-of-effect spells as she could for the war, but she still hovered around me at every chance. At least when Elle did it she wasn't being creepy about it, it was her job.

Unfortunately, to cut a long story short, I hadn't been able to shake Tharja's attention. In fact, in attempting to do so I'd made her worse…

When I eventually settled into a chair in the small, upstairs dining room Elle already had a plate of food set out for me, and Tharja was already waiting for me. It was late, so no doubt Chrom and Sumia had already eaten and were putting itty-bitty-Lucina-and-Cynthia-babies to bed, so I'd stick my head in and say hello to them once I was finished.

I sighed, looking forlornly at the plate of roasted meat and vegetables in front of me. After two years I was getting well and truly sick of meat and veg. I wanted rice. I wanted sushi! I wanted fucking sashimi for all I cared, I just wanted something different!

"Does something displease you, milord?" Elle asked attentively, hovering by my shoulder.

I didn't miss the low, territorial growl Tharja gave, either.

"No, just pining for a little variety," I sighed, beginning to eat.

We continued in silence, me robotically shoveling the same crap I ate every day into my mouth and staring into space, Elle hovering silently and waiting for us to finish, Tharja staring at me with undisguised longing. Or lust. Or… God, I had no idea what was going on in her head. It was just easier not to make eye-contact sometimes.

As I finished I let out a sigh, pushing the half-eaten plate aside and laying my head down on the tabletop. I was fucking beat. It was hard enough sleeping at the best of times for me, and being so exhausted I dropped from training just meant I passed out. I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world that sleeps but doesn't rest. Across from me I heard the sound of Tharja setting her cutlery down.

"Are you still not sleeping well?" she asked, no doubt frowning in concern.

I muttered an incoherent string of syllables into the tabletop, hoping it sounded like an affirmative. There was a soft, warm sensation on the back of my head as Tharja put a comforting hand on it, rubbing a little.

"Is it the dreams again?" she asked. "Shall I prepare another herbal mixture tonight?"

I sat up, groaning a little and rolling out my shoulders.

"I have a better idea," I said with a tired grin. "Why don't you prepare the other herbal mixture? Along with a stamina draught and an aphrodisiac. Benny needs to work out some aggression."

"Oh?" Tharja asked, smiling demurely. "Aggression, eh? How much more aggressive could you possibly get?"

And that, right there, was the crux of our relationship. As soon as I'd found out that they did, indeed, have a form of working contraception here, in the guise of some herbal shit a woman could drink to act like birth control pills, I'd decided 'fuck it' and… well. Use your imaginations. I'd made sure she knew from the get-go that it was a purely physical, shallow relationship, though. She'd said it was enough for her, though. What can I say? I'm weak. There's no point in hiding that now. Did it make me feel guilty using her devotion to me like this? Only the first few times. Did I still think I was going to hell? Oh, you bet your ass.

After all, we were all going to die. I just intended to deserve it.

I gave her another promising grin before turning to a heavily-bushing Elle and holding out a piece of paper to her.

"Thundercat, prepare my quarters and get me all the stuff on this list. Within half an hour."

She nodded woodenly, accepting the paper and looking it over. The uncomfortable look on her face increased, becoming one of shock, too.

"Er… ropes and… a riding crop, milord?" she asked hesitantly. "A-and the… 'special red candles from Miriel'? D-do I want to know?"

Tharja shuddered expectantly across from me, a look of excitement on her face.

"Half an hour, Thundercat," I repeated, my grin never dropping.

It had been worth installing those hooks in the ceiling after all, apparently.

* * *

Later that evening I stepped back, wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand and glancing over my shoulder in annoyance.

Someone was knocking on my door.

It was really bad timing.

We hadn't gotten to the best part yet, but we were getting close.

I considered ignoring it, but I knew that knock. It was Chrom, and he only ever bugged me at night when it was important.

I sighed, placing the riding crop and low-burning candle I'd had Miriel develop for me down and turned, doing my best to ignore the heavy panting and occasional moan from behind me as I pulled a pair of jeans on and shuffled towards the door.

"Wait right there, I'll be right back," I said over my shoulder to a disappointed moan.

"Aw, don't be like that. If you're a good girl and wait quietly, I'll give you a reward."

I stopped just inside the door, glancing down at the very-obvious boner in my pants before letting out a frustrated sigh. I bounced up and down a little, purposely lifting my knees as high as I could and wheeling my arms a little to encourage blood flow to route elsewhere. Satisfied once it wasn't as obvious what we'd been just about to do I opened the heavy wooden door, seeing Chrom standing there and smiling as I expected. I tried to be quick, but apparently he'd caught sight of what, or rather who, was hanging from my ceiling blindfolded before I could close the door, judging from the look of shock and horror on his face when I turned to him again.

"Just when I thought your depravity could no longer surprise me," he said, somewhat in awe.

"Okay, so clearly I'm busy. What's up?" I asked, crossing my arms across my bare chest.

"The ships are officially done with their shakedown voyages," he said, beginning to blush a little. "You, uh, said you wanted to know when they were. So I… I came to tell you."

I ignored the desperate little moan that escaped from my room.

"Great," I said, clapping my hands together happily. "That's fucking perfect! Now, we've finished training the mariners, right?"

Chrom blinked, looking up from my door to nod.

"I-er-yes!" he nodded quickly. "But only about half of them have any combat experience. Will they really be okay?"

I nodded, leaning back against the door.

"Of course. The whole point of the training regime Ricken and I devised was to teach soldiers obedience and calmness under fire. As long as their superiors keep a level head they'll be fine. And half the time we'll be their superiors on the field. So. We'll be fine."

Tharja called my name from inside the room, the sultriness and heat in her voice sending a shiver up my spine, but I hid it and continued to grin at Chrom. This was clearly making him really, really uncomfortable, and that was fucking hilarious.

"And the Captains are all happy with the ships?" I continued as if nothing was amiss.

"Er, some small changes that Ricken can handle facilitating and… uh…" Chrom fidgeted, before it clearly became too much for him. "What in Naga's name are you two doing in there?"

"Nothing much," I shrugged, grinning madly. "Curious?"

"More like concerned for both of your welfare," Chrom said, shaking his head a little.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little hard-play between two consenting adults," I laughed. "If you'd like I can give you some tips? Maybe help you and the missus make a third heir?"

"I can…" Chrom started angrily before trailing off.

He glanced at the door again, chewing his lip indecisively and clearly imagining his wife in a similar position before finally sighing and shaking his head.

"Oh well, your loss," I shrugged. "Are we done? I'm actually kind of curious as to why you came to give me this information yourself."

"We have not spent much time together since the victory party," Chrom explained. "I thought… uh… well, I didn't mean to interrupt anything…"

I laughed, shaking my head this time.

"Relax," I told him. "We'll all get to spend plenty of time together again real soon."

"Ah, yes," Chrom nodded, grinning. "When 'Valm invades Port Ferox'."

"Hey, don't say it like I'm crazy," I frowned. "And I still expect you to make good on my castle when I'm right."

"Right, well, I'll take your word for it and let you… get back to it," Chrom said, nodding. "I didn't mean to… uh… keep you."

I chuckled, grinning again.

"Don't worry. Sometimes the waiting can be better than the actual deed itself," I told him.

"Oh gods, Ben…" Chrom groaned, holding a hand to his brow. "Forget it… It's too late for this kind of… Good night. Don't hurt yourselves."

"I make no promises!" I declared after him.

I watched Chrom leave before rolling out my neck and grinning again as I stepped back into the dimly lit room.

"Now. Somebody didn't stay quiet like I asked," I said, a mock disappointed tone in my voice. "I guess that means I have to punish you now."

The look of pure anticipation and excitement on Tharja's face as she craned to try and see over her shoulder, despite the blindfold, alone was enough to get me back to half-mast in an instant. It had been a long week, I thought to myself as I picked the riding crop back up. It was time to work out that frustration. In a totally healthy manner.

We had to enjoy ourselves while we could, after all. Once Valm invaded and we hit the road again we wouldn't be able to do stuff like this.

* * *

A few weeks later Cherche showed up, warning us that Valm invaded just like I predicted they would, and I scored myself a castle. It was more like a fort, really, but Chrom had made good on his word. Lucina had seemed a little pale when my prediction came true, clearly recalling the other ones I'd made.

Rather than go to Port Ferox personally, though, I'd used it as a chance to field-test my new and improved Ylissean army. The results had been better than perfect. Next to zero losses, no collateral damage to the town, and the Valmese routed in less than a day. _And_ the commander had captured a number of Valmese warships we'd offered to Basilio. So while my boys were busy repairing the damage to the town that the Valmese had caused and preparing a staging area for us just outside of it the Shepherds had gone to Plegia to talk to King Validar and get his ships.

Which was where I was now, wearing a dark blue-almost black coat over my regular black vest. I had the hood drawn up as we walked through the fort on Carrion Isle, my head low. I wanted to see the surprise on that mother-fucker's face when it turned out I wasn't Robin.

I was waiting patiently, grinning under my hood while Chrom and Frederick did the whole spiel with Validar and Aversa. She kept shooting me funny looks; I guess the beard was throwing her off, considering it was the only part of my face visible right now. I glanced up a little when Frederick's grumpy tone cut through my thoughts, filling me with anticipation.

"Good hierophant, I would ask you to lower your cowl. In Ylisse, it is a courtesy expected of one in the presence of royalty."

"You are a long way from Ylisse, sir," the Hierophant said. "But very well…"

He drew his hood back, grinning expectantly. Yup, older default version of Robin, grinning like a bastard along with Validar and Aversa. Their grins diminished a little, though, when none of the Ylisseans present reacted.

"I suppose I should do the same then, too, shouldn't I?" I suggested, stepping forward and drawing back my own hood. "It's a pleasure to meet you, good Hierophant."

It took all of my willpower to maintain a straight face. I was subtly digging my nails into my palm to not laugh, and I think that's the only thing that saved me. Validar looked lost for a moment, before he frowned. Aversa's brows just shot up before she started looking between me and the Hierophant. His reaction was the best, though. Complete and utter shock.

"Who are you!?" he practically shouted.

"Ylissean Lord of Tactics," I said, offering him my hand with a cheery smile. "Name's Ben! I look forward to our two countries coming together as one against this Valmese menace!"

He looked at my hand for a moment before glancing back at a similarly confused-seeming Validar.

"So… you are the Ylissean tactician?" the Hierophant asked, slowly taking my hand.

"Yup!" I said, still smiling as I energetically pumped our hands up and down. "And I gotta say, the last King really made my life difficult! I'm hoping you guys are a little more reasonable!"

"Ben, mind your manners," Chrom instructed, a grin of his own appearing.

"Sorry, sorry," I laughed, stepping back. "It's just that I'm so excited to finally meet our allies. But we'd best be on our way, right? Lot's to do, a world to save and all that jazz, right?"

Chrom nodded his agreement, and we excused ourselves from the confused Plegians. As we left I gave Aversa one last grin and a wink, and she seemed utterly lost at how to take it.

I guess I have a thing for the dark and mysterious magey type.

* * *

The rest of the day proceeded exactly the way it was scripted to, minus Validar appearing before me and trying to hypnotize me or whatever he does to Robin. The Risen had arrived, we recruited Henry, and now I was sitting on a rock watching Lucina reveal her true identity to Chrom while Sumia shredded some poor flowers a few feet away from me.

When they started hugging Sumia let out an anguished groan and I rolled my eyes as her flower-murder increased in speed to a fevered pitch.

She stopped suddenly, turning to me with a determined look on her features.

"Oh this won't end well…" I muttered as she stomped over.

"I need you to make me a better… a better…" she started, blushing heavily and trailing off.

"Oh god, Sumia," I sighed. "Out with it already."

"I need you to make me a better lover!" she declared, tears in the corners of her eyes. "I-I don't want to lose Chrom, and you seem to know a lot about s… s…"

"Sex?"

Her blush deepened as she nodded quickly.

"No," I said. "Anything I have to teach, I teach by example, and you're totally persona non-nookified to me. It'd be like fucking Chrom. So no. I can give you pointers?"

She nodded, her blush increasing still.

"Take the lead," I offered, looking at where Chrom and Lucina were wrapping their little conversation up now. "Every man likes to be dominated every now and then. Also, try to be more adventurous. Take it up the butt, do it outdoors, have a three-way with one of your maids. Something Chrom would never expect."

I looked back at where Sumia was swaying, her face bright red now. Clearly this was all a little too much for the dainty little flower.

"Or, try wearing some sexy underwear to start with," I sighed. "I'm sure that'll excite Chrom, too."

Deciding to wrap this up I called out to the two blue-haired royals in the distance. Any more and I think Sumia might get a nose-bleed and pass out. She went right back to her flowers when I stepped away, tearing at them like a freaking wood-chipper in human form.

"Yo, Chrom!" I shouted. "Get yer ass over her! You too, Princess! We gots shit to talk about!"

They both turned, Chrom wilting a little when he spotted Sumia and Lucina taking on a familiar scowl at my tone.

"Er… Ben," Chrom said as they approached. "What is-"

Lucina beat him to the punch, slugging me in the shoulder.

"Why would you kill the moment like that!?" she practically snarled at me.

I shrugged, rubbing my arm as I indicated the rapidly-breaking-down Sumia just behind me.

"He loves me… he loves me not… he loves me… he loves me not…"

"I think that may need a little fixing before she starts treating people like those flowers," I suggested. "And don't hit me again. You know it gets me off, and I don't need to pitch a pant-tent in front of Chrom. Again."

"By Naga I swear I will kill you one day," Lucina growled, turning from me.

Chrom looked a little lost at our exchange, but I shrugged again and gave him my winning smile as I indicated towards his wife.

"Er… Sumia? Dear?" he started tentatively.

The conversation basically went the way it was scripted to after that, there were some lovely family moments afterwards which I felt a little weird for intruding on, and by the time we ended up walking back to the camp the sun had completely risen. Chrom hung back a little as Sumia and Lucina walked side by side, talking and getting to know each other as if they had never been apart.

"So," Chrom began, facing straight ahead. "I had a thought. This means that Lucina has been working with you for the last two years. Did you know who she was? Even back then?"

"Yeah, of course," I scoffed. "Genius, remember?"

Chrom nodded, before turning and punching me in the face. Clearly daddy had been paying attention to the way I had been treating Marth…

"That's my daughter, you son of a bitch!" he thundered.

Sumia and Lucina both looked back with shocked expressions, but Lucina's quickly turned to one of satisfaction. Like, euphoric satisfaction. Like, watching her dad stand over me, clearly restraining himself from kicking the shit out of me, was totally getting her off.

"Ow, hey, dude!" I shouted, jumping back to my feet. "It was all in good fun!"

Chrom laid me flat again. I decided to stay down this time. He had fists like hams.

"Would it help if I promised to behave around this timeline's Lucina?" I asked woozily from the ground.

"You are damn straight you will!" Chrom thundered, turning and stomping off.

Leaving me, dancing back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness, to think to myself 'god damn that man has a solid right hook'.

* * *

"Relax, he'll come around," Lissa chuckled. "He really does care about you, so I don't think he'll kick you out. Plus, you are really important now."

I groaned as she held her healing staff to my face. Turns out Chrom had broken my jaw. I kinda deserved it, being a douche to Lucina for the last two years, but it still hurt.

"Fucker punches like a freight-train," I slurred.

"Yeah, well, I've only been around for a few weeks, but if that's how you've been treating her for the last two years I'd want to hit you, too," Severa huffed.

"I don't hear Laurent complaining!" I said defensively.

"Laurent barely speaks!" Severa snapped.

I sighed. I was in the mostly-deserted mess tent now, Lissa giggling as she healed my broken jaw and Severa sitting on one of the tables, watching. Laurent had been there reading until moments ago when Vaike had shown up and dragged him off. Clearly word of who 'Isaac' actually was had gotten out.

"Fine, whatever, I'm a dick," I sighed.

I moved my jaw a little, testing it as Lissa stepped back. It still hurt, but lingering pain was always a side-effect of healing magic, so I assumed it was fine.

"Thank you, Lissa," I said. "Why don't you go and get to know your niece?"

A big smile broke out on her face as she nodded and ran out of the tent, clearly eager to get to know the real Lucina now. Leaving me all alone with Severa.

"I suppose we'd best go around and pick up all the rest of your little friends, huh?" I sighed, sagging in my seat.

It had been a long night, and now I was feeling it. I mean, sure, all the training had vastly improved my stamina and reduced my asthma to basically naught, but I still got sleepy.

I glanced up when Severa didn't answer. She was looking down, a stormy expression on her face.

"Your mother is on guard-duty," I sighed again. "Otherwise she'd be over her hugging the shit out of you. Don't get all mopey on me now, Red."

"Shut up! What would you know!?" she shouted.

I quirked a brow at her, and she let out a breath.

"… I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"And I'm going to go and relieve your mother," I said, standing. "So sit right here so she knows where to find you."

"Wait, what?" Severa asked, looking up at me in confusion.

"I meant what I said," I shrugged. "Let her hug the life out of someone else for a change."

"W-wait!" Severa said as I went to leave.

I turned, quirking a brow again as she stared at me. There was a brief moment of silence as she looked intently at my face before shaking her head.

"Forget it," she muttered. "I almost had something there but… don't remember."

"Don't force it," I said lazily. "You'll just hurt yourself. Now, if I were you, I'd be looking for a chestplate to wear, because your mom won't take hers off before the hugging starts, believe me."

* * *

A few hours later I yawned as I stared out over the Plegian countryside. Chrom had decided, in all his princely authority, that we were going to move out sometime this afternoon so that people could get some rest after the previous evening's fight. Of course, true to my word, I'd relieved Cordelia, who had rushed off to meet her future daughter. Unfortunately, though, she had only just started her shift on guard duty. And mine had followed right after.

"God I'm tired," I muttered to myself, dragging my feet as I patrolled the camp.

I was attempting to plan for the next stage of things; it would take time to move the ships to Port Ferox, and I was bringing a fuck-off-huge army with me to Valm, so they'd need time to prepare for that, too. Meaning we were free to go ahead and recruit all the others on this continent.

Hell, I'd already had my boys scout out the locations. I knew where they were going to be. Now we just had to be there. I'd take a small group and go along the north, collecting Morgan, Kjelle, Nah and Noire. I'd leave the rest to Chrom. Yarne and Cynthia were in the south somewhere; if he went by horseback he could probably be back in about a month.

"Hey, Ben," Donnel said, coming out of the mess tent. "Frederick says fer me ta replace ya on guard duty. Why don'tcha go an get some shut-eye?"

"That is the best dang idea I've heard all mornin'," I said, copying his accent.

I beat feet, hoping to avoid getting punched a third time that morning for pissing someone off, and beelined for my tent. As nice as this coat was, it was heavy and I needed sleep. And god help Tharja if she was waiting for me. I'd see to it she didn't walk right for a week this time… With my cock, of course. It was times like these I really started to miss Elle, though. Just the thought that there wouldn't be breakfast or even anything to drink waiting for me was oddly depressing. The damn maid had spoiled me now.

I stepped into my tent, shrugging off my coat with a relieved sigh. I gave another, disappointed sigh when I realized that Tharja wasn't in fact waiting for me, and tossed the coat over my chair. I had to do a double-take, though, when I spotted the bowl of oats on my desk.

"I had thought you would be hungry."

"Kyaaa!" I squeaked, spinning.

Seeing Lucina standing there, eyebrow quirked, made me rethink my girlish scream.

"I mean, 'argh!' I mean… fuck it. Thanks for breakfast. What do you want?"

Lucina looked down, not meeting my gaze.

"Ah," I said, grinning knowingly.

"'Ah', what?" she snapped.

"I know why you're here," I chuckled, my grin growing.

"Y-you do?" she asked.

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"Say I was right."

"What!? About what?"

I chuckled again at the obstinate princess, shaking my head.

"Say I was right about you giving your identities away," I explained.

Lucina flinched, looking away from me again.

"Aw, it's not that hard," I laughed. "Here, I'll even help you out! Just repeat after me: 'Ben, you were right. You are always right. I should just accept the fact that you are always right'. Now you try it."

"You are making this harder than it needs to be," Lucina growled, her face beginning to go red.

"Well, just say it and-"

She crossed the space in the blink of an eye and reached up before I could react, yanking my face down to hers and reminding me that there had, indeed, been something mentioned jokingly about a twenty-second frencher. It also made me wonder, as Lucina's tongue invaded my mouth with all the subtlety of a charging horse, where she had learned to kiss? Or even learned what a 'frencher' was, for that matter.

As far as kissing went, though, she wasn't that good. Probably a lack of experience. So, deciding to make the most of the ten or so seconds I had remaining of this I took the lead, massaging her tongue with my own. She let out a muffled sound of surprise that faded into a soft moan as I pushed deeper, holding her up as she swayed a little, still never opening her eyes as-

"Lucina, are you in here? Why did you want to meet in- OH YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I jumped back from Lucina, just in time to see Chrom's big meaty fist flying straight at my face. My nose broke and I fell flat on my ass, stars dancing around my vision as Lucina tried to calm her father down.

Sheesh, her father for less than a day and already beating the shit out of the boys. I felt bad for all the young male suitors of Ylisse.

"Keep your hands off my daughter!" Chrom roared, spinning and finally stomping out of the tent.

I groaned, falling backwards to lay on the floor. Lucina stood there for a moment before chuckling and leaning over me.

"That was a little longer than twenty seconds," she said with a grin.

"You bitch, you planned this," I gurgled. "And you know what? I respect that. Now go find your aunt and tell her that her brother needs anger management classes. And help me set my nose. I don't need to look like I got hit in the face with a shovel for the rest of my life; I'm already ugly enough."

* * *

With a weak groan I fell onto my back, resting against the cool rocks of the mountain path we were on. Just over the next rise was our destination, the castle in the mountains. There was only one more person to recruit now, and that was Robin's daughter Morgan. Judging from the fact he still existed in this world I was assuming Morgan was still his daughter, anyway.

The others all took their cues, falling from their feet just like I had. Remember, at this point I'd been cardio and stamina training with my regiments for nearly two years. So if I was exhausted, I'm surprised the others could still move. Especially Noire; poor kid was like a sack of bones. The European ancestry in me urged me to feed her. I would make her healthy.

I had set out from Port Ferox with Lucina, Severa, Lon'qu and Tharja. We'd already picked up Nah, Noire and Kjelle, rounding our group out to eight, including me.

After a few minutes my pulse had slowed, and my breathing was back under control. With a groan I pulled myself back to my feet.

"Alright, break for lunch," I ordered. "None of you can fight in this condition, anyway."

"I could still kick your butt!" Kjelle groaned, sitting up.

"Yeah, yeah, tone it down GI Jane. Eat some lunch first."

I ended up plonking down next to Severa, who passed me the food bag. Hard cheese, hard bread and cured meat was our meal. I was so. Damn. Sick. Of European style food. I may have been spoiled for choice back home, though… With a sigh I passed the bag off to Nah, who looked forlornly at it.

"Here," I sighed, handing her my share of bread and cheese. "I'm not that hungry."

The young manakete's face lit up with a broad smile as she took her own share and my offerings, passing the bag along to Noire. I remembered that, canonically, she was always hungry and in the future she'd never gotten enough to eat. I'd had a few months like that myself a few years before I'd found my way to Ylisse, but the thought of having to do it my whole life made me want to feed the kid. And hug her. Poor thing…

"Well, that was almost nice," Severa pointed out with a smirk. "If I didn't know better I'd say you have a soul under all that hair."

"Har. Har." I muttered.

"It was very nice!" Nah said around a mouthful of bread. "Thank you very much, Mister Ben!"

"Don't talk with your mouth full, kid, you'll choke," I warned, taking a big bite of my jerky.

Severa huffed, pouting and looking away.

With another sigh I held out my half-eaten jerky to her.

"Here, fuck," I groaned. "All you had to do was ask."

"Ew! Gods, no, keep that away from me! That's been in your mouth!"

"So?" I laughed. "So has L-"

Before I could finish telling her 'so has Lucina' I felt a chill run down my spine. The Princess was glaring at me, tapping her fingers against Falchion's pommel as she slowly, deliberately chewed her lunch.

"Er… never mind," I mumbled, taking another bite of my jerky.

It was not worth losing my life over a crappy joke.

Severa huffed again, finishing her meal in silence. I couldn't help but wonder as we ate at what her deal was lately. She was acting all clingy, in a super tsundere way, and it was getting on my nerves.

* * *

"Big place," I breathed as we walked into the castle's interior.

Lucina and Severa flanked me as we stepped into the area that would be our battleground. The water and bridges were a dead giveaway. So were the Risen. The usual horde shambled around in front of us, nothing anyone here wasn't used to. They caught sight of us and began to shuffle towards our little group.

"You are certain Morgan will be here?" Lucina asked curiously.

"You know I'm never wrong," I said, waggling my eyebrows suggestively. "Wanna make another bet?"

"I will stab you," Lucina warned, turning away from me.

Well, it was less of a warning and more of a statement, but the effect was the same. My attention shifted from pissing off Lucina without her father around to beat my sorry ass when Severa let out a strange groan, holding her head and swaying a little.

"Hey, whoa," I said, reaching out to steady her. "You okay? Red, talk to me."

"I-I'm fine," she said, shaking me off.

"What the hell was that?" I asked.

"Just a headspin," Severa assured me. "It was nothing. I can still fight."

"Sure, from the back," I said. "Swap with Lon'qu and don't push your-"

"No!" Severa shouted suddenly. "I won't! You aren't going to leave me behind again! You always leave me behind!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked.

Before she could answer Lucina gave a warning shout. Apparently Severa's shouting had gotten the Risen horde's attention and they were rushing us. I grabbed Severa by the collar, hauling her shocked face closer to my own.

"You leave my side and I'll kill you myself," I warned her before I released her. "Let's go."

We breezed through the Risen pretty easily, if I do say so myself. With Lucina and Severa's swords on both sides and my own trench knives in the center we made an unpassable line that the Risen broke against, leaving the others to bring up the rear. Once we reached the fork in the bridges we stopped.

"Lucina, take everyone and make for the end of the chamber," I instructed. "Kill the Chieftain. Severa and I'll catch up."

"What?" Severa exclaimed angrily. "I said I was fine! I don't need to-"

Whatever excuse she was going to give was cut off by a small explosion, followed by two more as magic fire spells erupted among the Risen at our three-o'clock.

"That's where we're going," I said, pointing. "Lucina, don't fuck up. C'mon, Red. We got a tactician to save."

I didn't wait to see if the others followed my orders; Lucina was an experienced commander, far more so than I ever would be. I trusted her to take the Chieftain down while Severa and I rescued Morgan. The redhead followed me as I marched towards the eastern end of the chamber, where the lone figure in a black coat was still throwing spells around and hacking at whatever got too close with a sword. She had her hood up, too, which meant I couldn't tell who her mother was from her hair color, but we'd know soon enough.

With a roar I started to run, Severa hurrying to keep pace as we tore through the Risen crowding the young tactician. I was starting to think that we were a little over-leveled thanks to the training regime for the army guys, given how easy all of this was these days, but it wasn't exactly something to complain about. In less than ten minutes Severa and I were standing with Morgan, who was currently hunched over and holding herself up on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. Severa and I were hardly even breathing hard.

"Whoo! Fuck yeah, that was awesome!" Morgan declared, straightening.

She stopped when she saw me, a grin rising to her face.

"Sup, Dad," she said nonchalantly. "What're you doing here?"

I quirked an eyebrow, stepping forward. It felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on my head. Like I was about to have an asthma attack again. Hell, I'll say it straight; being called 'dad' terrified the crap out of me.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Er… oh! Shit! I said the f-word! I'm so sorry!" Morgan said quickly, wilting.

She studied me for a moment before cocking her head.

"Sheesh, you look good, Dad. The air here must agree with you or something. You look ten years younger!"

"Don't care, back the fuck up," I said, my heart beating out of control. "Specifically to this whole 'dad' thing."

"What the hell're you talking about?" she laughed. "Why're you looking at me like that? Hello? It's me! Morgan! Your daughter? Love of your life and Daddy's little girl and all that jazz? Wow, you're really acting out of it today. Maybe you should go home and lie down or something. Uh, but which way is home? Is it— Ngh! M-my head!"

"God-fucking-dammit, focus!" I shouted, grabbing her by the shoulders.

Her hood fell away in my grip, revealing a head of crimson red hair. She looked up at me with steel-blue eyes, just like the ones I saw in the mirror every day.

"D-dad, what-"

"Okay, hold up a sec…" I said, releasing her and stepping back.

My head was spinning, but I forced it down, looking up at Severa to see how she was reacting to this. Morgan followed my gaze, and her face lit up in a smile again.

"Heya, sis! What's crackin'?"

Both mine and Severa's jaws dropped as we spun to goggle at the girl.

"What?" Morgan asked, shrinking back a little.

Severa turned to me, eyes wide.

"I-I… you… we…" she stammered before swallowing and taking a deep breath. "I remember now."

"Oh fuck…" I groaned.

"Dad…" Severa said, taking a step forward.

"No…" I groaned.

"Daddy!" Severa cried as she threw herself at me.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" I shouted above her head.

* * *

That evening we decided to camp in the foyer of the abandoned castle. It didn't appear like there would be any more Risen reinforcements, but Lon'qu had insisted on posting guards to be safe, and I agreed.

I was sitting on a rock a small distance from the castle, two red-haired girls sitting in front of me.

Apparently, these two were my daughters.

"Okay," I breathed. "Let's get this straight. You're my daughter."

"Yup," Morgan chirped happily.

"And you're my daughter."

"Well, duh," Severa huffed. "I've only said as much ten times so far."

I groaned and ran a hand over the top of my head.

This. Was. Bullshit.

I didn't want to get married. I never wanted to get married! I'd never wanted kids!

"And just to check," I sighed. "Cordelia and I were married?"

"Happily," Morgan nodded.

I groaned again, resting my head in my hands.

"Well excuse us for living!" Severa suddenly shouted. "All of the others were so happy to see their kids! Even mother was ecstatic, crying and hugging me and everything! But you-"

"Stop," I said, holding up a forestalling hand. "This is a big, big deal to me. At this point in time, I've never even entertained the thought of having children, let alone being in another committed relationship. It's… a lot for me to handle right now. I need a moment."

"Take your time, we can wait," Morgan said, leaning back.

I shook my head, slapping my cheeks a few times for good measure. If they said they were my daughters, well then…

"Fuck it," I declared after a moment, standing. "I can sit around dwelling on it, but it's not gonna change anything. So, fuck it. Come here, give dad a hug."

"Yay!" Morgan cried, jumping up and into my arms.

"Sorry if I was an ass-hole earlier," I said.

Morgan snuggled into my chest, like a big, warm cat. It was a conflicting feeling. I mean, I knew I wasn't old enough to have a kid her age, but something about it felt… pretty good. The European parental instincts were being awakened within me. After a moment Morgan stepped back, grinning up at me. I smiled back, ruffling her hair, before turning my attention on my supposed oldest daughter.

"Don't touch me," Severa said half-heartedly.

"Or you'll what?" I asked.

"Seriously," Severa warned, taking a step back.

"Either you hug me, or I hug you," I warned, holding up my arms. "We can do it the easy way or the hard way, but this is only gonna end one way."

"No!" Severa insisted. "You were a real jerk before! I… I…"

With a sniffle she gave in, practically jumping at me again. Only this time I was mentally prepared to deal with it. Severa shuddered a little, giving a weak sob.

"Okay," I said, rubbing her back. "Okay, c'mon, it's okay."

"No it's not," she said in a thick voice. "You died! You and mother both… both died and left us alone!"

"I don't remember that," Morgan piped up.

"You don't remember anything," I reminded her.

She shrugged, grinning impishly.

"And as for dying," I continued. "We're all going to die eventually. But, I assure you, I'm working to ensure it doesn't happen to any of us for a long, long-ass time yet. So relax."

Severa nodded, gripping the front of my vest even tighter.

"You'd better not," she said, stepping away from me. "Or I'll kick your butt."

"Yay, sis is back to normal!" Morgan laughed, throwing herself at Severa and wrapping her sister in a big bear hug.

I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that I had apparently had a hand in raising these two. I mean, with Morgan it was pretty obvious, but…

"Oh gods, I can't believe I forgot you were a hugger," Severa groaned as she tried to pry Morgan off of her. "This is it. This is going to be my life now, isn't it?"

"This is going to be our lives now," I corrected her.

"What about mom?" Morgan asked innocently.

The smile fell right off my face.

"Oh fuck-balls," I groaned.

What about mom, indeed?

How the hell was I going to explain this one?

* * *

 **AN2016: I'm afraid you will all never know! This is it. This is the last chapter of this story I'm ever doing. That's why it's about a third longer than usual; to give you guys something of a bang to go out on. Honestly, I never even** _ **wanted**_ **to go past that first chapter. It was only due to reader demand that I took this as far as I did, but now that I'm back at school and working on a Fates novelization, I decided now's the time to pull the plug before the quality of this story dips any further.**

 **Besides. When you shine the light on yourself, sometimes you don't like what you see. A lot more of 'me' made it into that self-insert character than I wanted it too, and I don't like it.**

 **So, thanks for reading. Seriously, if people hadn't enjoyed it so much, it never would have been so long. It wasn't all bad; I did have fun writing this, but it's time for me to move on. I hope you all enjoy my other work just as much.**

 **\- metallover 2016**


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note**

 **Oh, I'm sorry… Did I say that the previous chapter was the ending?**

 **HA! APRIL FOOLS, MOTHER FUCKERS!**

 **Yeah, I'm not a nice person.**

 **Did you all really think I'd just leave you hanging on a cliffhanger like that? Besides, stopping at Chapter 13 would have been some majorly bad juju. But seriously, this will be the final chapter. Just… a real ending this time. With closure. AND FLUFF! PREPARE FOR THE FLUFF!**

 **Read, review and Nagaspeed!**

* * *

 **Part the Fourteenth, or 'One More Time, With Feeling!'**

"Okay," I said, beginning to hyperventilate. "Okay. Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay…"

I looked up at the two girls, my daughters, in standing in front of me.

"Okay," I said again.

Severa sighed and slapped me across the face. Hard. Beside her Morgan actually gasped and recoiled, but it had been what I'd needed.

"Better?" she asked.

"A little. But if you hit me again I swear to fuck I'll put you over my knee. You're not too old. I'll do it."

Severa scoffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms and sinking to a hip as Morgan looked back and forth between us.

I had just had an anxiety attack at the thought of talking to Cordelia about… stuff.

Like the fact she and I would eventually be, allegedly, happily married.

Or that we had two time-travelling daughters together.

"Alright then," I said, slapping my hands on my thighs and standing. "Nothing's going to be accomplished sitting here and brooding. Right? Right. Let's go and get some food."

"Jeez you change gears fast," Severa said, shaking her head a little.

"I'm compartmentalizing," I admitted. "I can freak out later. Preferably somewhere where I'm not going to lose face in front of my kids."

Severa turned to me, arching one brow with an 'oh really?' look on her face. Morgan just grinned up at me. God the kid was adorable…

"I've spent the last few weeks watching you almost constantly sexually harass my best friend and act like a child," Severa deadpanned. "Not to mention the fact that, yes, more than once I've noticed you sneak off with Tharja for Naga only knows what. So I don't really think my opinion of you can get much lower at this point."

"It's called a quickie, and thanks for the confidence boost," I groaned.

"What's a quickie?" Morgan piped up innocently.

"I'll tell you when you're older," I promised.

"I'm already eighteen! I think…" she insisted.

"Okay, I'll tell you when _I'm_ older," I groaned.

Having kids was going to be hard. I'd also probably need to be a little more careful about my language; it was pretty clear to see Morgan had already picked up on the swears, I didn't need to warp her further.

Severa leaned over to her sister, whispering something in her ear. I winced as Morgan's eyes widened and she nodded, making an "ohhhhh" of understanding.

"So that's what a quickie is…" she said with a nod, resting her hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that, Dad. I'm sure mom'll still love you anyway."

I sighed, resting my face in my hands as Severa grinned maliciously over Morgan's head at me.

Didn't take a genius to spot a premature ejaculation joke when it was that obvious.

Being a parent to two adults I had clearly already warped was going to be hard.

* * *

A few days later we were back in civilization, only another few days from Port Ferox now. I was debating whether or not to simply hire a wagon to take us back as we tromped back into whatever logging town we had passed through on the way east, not because I was tired but more for expedience's sake. I was getting sick of dwelling on having 'the talk' with Cordelia.

It was late in the afternoon, still with a few hours of light left, but if I remembered correctly we wouldn't hit another town before it got too dark to travel safely and it was a new moon that night, so it'd be too dark. With a sigh I turned, waiting for the others to catch up.

"Alright, we'll break here for the night," I called. "Pick an inn, meet back here in the morning. Dismissed. Peace out."

There were more than a few relieved sighs at my dismissive instructions, making me think I clearly wasn't the only one excited at the prospect of not sleeping in the forest like a fucking animal again that night.

Ever since Panne's training roughing it in the woods gave me weird boners…

It was a decent sized town; a number of inns and taverns near the gates, the lumber mill in the distance occupying the majority of the horizon. There was a bustling market, too, and a number of actual stores instead of the street vendors I'd expected from Regna Ferox during my first time. It was a good place to have a break before we got back to all the doom-and-gloom of Port Ferox and the Ylissean military life.

I went to turn, planning on scoping out the inns near the town gates, but something caught my arm. I glanced over my shoulder, Morgan clinging to my arm and grinning up at me. Behind her Severa looked expectantly at me, frowning as she was so wont to do.

I had a pretty good idea where this was going…

"Let me guess," I started, quirking a brow at Severa. "You guys want to rent a family suite?"

Severa barely twitched, quirking her brow right back at me. Morgan's reaction, however, was far more animated.

"Fu- er, heck yes we do!" she cheered, stopping herself short of cussing again.

She was a smart kid, but had clearly inherited my foul mouth. It was cute, though, watching her cover her swearing and bite her tongue, trying not to slip, the same way I had around my father.

"Your treat, of course," Severa added.

"Yeah, yeah," I sighed, ruffling Morgan's hair.

She closed her eyes and smiled, disengaging from my arm and grinning up at me when I stopped.

That damn kid… so moé…

I chose an inn pretty much at random and we rented a suite with two beds. It was actually a lot nicer than I'd been expecting from Regna Ferox, not to mention reasonably priced. I guessed they would have gotten a lot of travelling merchants and important tradesmen and shit, being such a major milling town. Nice beds, clean and soft linens, and a barrel of fresh water in the corner with some large buckets for bathing or whatever else we needed them for. I was already planning on using one of them as a makeshift helmet when I built my pillow-fort, anyway…

I sat down on the far bed, letting out a tired sigh as I dropped my pack at my feet. Morgan let out a little cheer as she discarded her own pack and sword, jumping and body-slamming the bed with a happy laugh. Severa did pretty much what I had, shooting a little annoyed glance at Morgan but remaining silent. I guess the girls would share a bed.

Over the last few days we'd fallen into something of a routine; we walked together, ate together, slept close to each other and basically just spent all of our time together. For me, it was taking some getting used to; I was an introvert at the best of times, after all. But I was the only person Morgan remembered properly, and Severa clearly wanted to bond a little with her parents, even if she'd never admit it. So I quelled my own selfish feelings and put up with their attention. At least until we got back to Port Ferox and I could offload them on their mother, anyway. It was nice, though, that I'd had a good relationship with my parents as an adult. A lot of my friends had gone to great lengths to distance themselves from their parents back home, but I'd managed to become friends with my own once I'd hit twenty-one. And stopped acting like a total doucher. So at least I had some idea of what to work with. Morgan was easy; she was a blank slate and apparently I could do her no wrong. Severa, though, I'd just decided to be myself with. If she didn't like me, whatever. I was still (allegedly) her father. She didn't have to like me. But, I was optimistic. It was hard to tell with little-miss-tsundere-pants, but I think she was warming to me.

"Ah, I'm so sick of walking everywhere," Morgan groaned, rolling onto her back.

"Get used to it," I sighed, leaning back and letting myself fall onto my bed. "God I miss my car. Why don't you two get cleaned up and we'll go grab an early dinner? Yes, Severa, my treat."

"Yay!" Morgan cried.

Severa scoffed, chuckling a little.

I stared up at the ceiling, letting my mind wander as the two girls went about preparing themselves for dinner. Me? I was male, so I could get away with stinking and looking like shit. I know, I know, unfair double standards and all that shit. But, that was the world we (apparently still) lived in. Hopefully we could beat the shift-workers to one of the taverns and grab a feed before I had to start busting skulls for hitting on my kids. I ran a hand over my fuzzy jaw, considering shaving anyway just for shits and giggles, but my plans were derailed when Severa let out a small shout of disbelief.

"Morgan, what the hell are you doing!?"

"What?" my youngest asked innocently. "I stink."

I glanced up, immediately regretting my decision and throwing my head back down.

Morgan had disrobed and was cleaning herself with a rag and water from the barrel in the corner. Severa had obviously only just turned and noticed, goggling disbelievingly at her sister with a hairbrush hanging off of one crimson twintail. All of this I had taken in in an instant, my own eyes wide as I tried to wrap my head around what was happening.

At… at least Morgan was comfortable around me?

And amazingly this was the first time I'd seen a pair of tits and felt nothing. She was clearly if not my daughter then some other blood relation of mine. Unfortunately for her, though, it appeared she'd inherited her mother's bust. I still thought she was cute as a button, though, if a little air-headed at times-

I gave a muffled grunt as a red-faced Severa jumped up on my bed and smothered my face with a pillow. Great. The last thoughts I were going to have in my life were mild surprise that I wasn't aroused by my time-travelling daughter's boobs. Awesome note to go out on.

"Gawds, Morgan! Hurry up and get dressed!"

"I need to at least wipe myself down! I smell so bad!"

"So wear some perfume! Why would you just take off your clothes like that!?"

"But I'd still feel gross! What's the big deal, anyway?"

"This pervert is!"

"What? Ew! Sis, that's dad! Besides, it's not like he hasn't seen it a million times before!"

" _You haven't been born yet so no he hasn't now get fucking dressed!"_

As illuminating as this conversation was, mostly because I had learned that Morgan was apparently something of a neat-freak like me and Severa had apparently also inherited a small part of my vocabulary, I was beginning to suffocate. I slapped the bed, tapping out as Severa shrieked at her sister.

"Er, Severa? Honey? Daddy can't breathe."

"Alright, alright, I'm getting dressed," Morgan sighed. "God I want a change of clothes… Hey sis, do you have any spare panties?"

"MORGAN!"

"I'm serious!"

"Yes! Bottom of my pack! I want them back clean!"

"Yay! You're the best sister ever!"

My head was spinning as my life flashed before my eyes, oxygen deprivation beginning to cause that annoying, constricting pain in my chest before Severa finally got off of me. Bolting upright I sucked in a deep breath of clean air, holding a hand to my chest.

"I thought I was gonna die!" I groaned.

I gave a weak cough, furrowing my brow. Huh. My first asthma attack in almost a year. Amazing how they could still sneak up on me…

Severa rounded on Morgan as I bent to retrieve a vulenary from my pack, coughing a little again and fumbling.

"Er, dad? Are you okay?" Morgan asked, leaning around Severa.

Her sister spun, the look of contempt on her face fading to a subtler one of worry.

"Fine, fine," I chuckled, coughing again. "Sheesh. Where is that stupid *wheeze* thing? I *cough* know I have one…"

Wrapping my hands around the vial safely wrapped in my spare trunks I sat back up, tearing out the cork with my teeth and drinking about a third of it.

"Jeez, I didn't hit you that hard," Severa mumbled, wilting guiltily.

"No, but suffocating me did give me an asthma attack," I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. It's no big deal."

Both girls went quiet as I took a few deep breaths, letting my lungs return to normal. Unfortunately, just being fitter and stronger didn't cure anything. Once I was sure I was good I slapped my thighs, standing and grinning.

"Who's hungry?"

* * *

That evening, after some emergency shopping for Morgan to get some basic necessities like smallclothes and a medieval toothbrush, I found myself sitting at a table in one of the cleaner-looking eateries in this town with my two daughters. And also Tharja and Noire. Funny how Tharja always seemed to know where I was…

The others were floating around, too, clearly having decided like I had that this was the optimal establishment to eat at. Lon'qu and Kjelle were both at the bar, the swordsman trying to subtly increase the distance between them as she ordered enough ale for the two of them to kill their livers with. Nah was sitting in the back with Lucina, the blue-haired royal watching a stack of plates growing ever-larger as Nah spent the entirety of the weekly stipend I'd provided her for food and essentials in one sitting. Whatever, kid deserved it. I'd shout her for the rest of the week.

Severa, Morgan and Noire all laughed at something that the young tactician had said, Tharja looking on with a soft smile as she watched her daughter.

Tharja. With a soft smile. Usually a look reserved for me after we'd spent the night defiling my bed. It was enough to make my head spin. But it did remind me of one important question.

I waited until a lull in the girls' conversation before giving voice to my curiosity.

"Hey Noire? Who's your dad?"

The effect that the question had on the girl was instantaneous. She went pale, paler than usual, and wilted, shifting a little to open space between her and her mother before looking down at the table. Clearly, I'd hit a sore spot.

"Hey, c'mon, it's not that big a deal," I tried laughing it off. "I just wanna know."

"I… er… t-that is…" she mumbled, casting a fearful glance at her mother.

Tharja was glaring dangerously at her, though, making me even more curious.

"C'mon, out with it! I wanna know!" I urged.

"Yeah, me too!" Morgan added, grabbing her by the shoulder and shaking her a little. "C'moooooooooon!"

"Oh for Naga's sake!" Severa finally snapped, turning to glare at me.

"It's you! You're her father! I'm sorry Noire, but I can't handle them when they get like that!"

The silence at the table was deafening. My jaw dropped. Again. Severa huffed, crossing her arms and returning the death-glare a furious Tharja was shooting her. Noire was doing her best to look as small as possible, while Morgan just quirked her head as she tried to understand all of this.

Judging from Noire's little panicky reaction, Severa hadn't just been joking. To be sure I took a quick peek at Noire's ample cleavage spilling out of her loosened collar. Clearly she had inherited her own mother's bust, and… Nope. Nothing. Not even a twitch in my pants. That settled it, then. I just instinctively knew… My cock was never wrong.

As I shut my mouth I turned a glare of my own at Tharja, who wilted almost instantly under it. I was the only person that could glare her down like that, something I didn't like doing. But it felt fitting right now.

"Something you want to tell me?" I asked, my voice low and dangerous.

"I won't let you take her from me!" Tharja hissed instantly.

"Why, pray tell, would I do that?" I asked levelly.

"Don't think for a second that the Ylisseans wouldn't take the child of their vaunted tactical genius and a Plegian mage-"

"I don't want to take her!" I shouted, slamming my hands down on the table.

Fortunately, it was already rather loud in the bar, so no one even batted an eyelash at the scene I was causing. Noire and Morgan did jump at my shout, though, which gave me a pang of guilt.

"Dad!" Severa hissed. "You're really bad at this!"

"Dammit, I know!" I sighed, falling back into my seat. "What I meant was that there's no way in hell I'd willingly separate a child from her mother. Noire, why didn't you tell me?"

"B-because… mother asked me… not to…" she mumbled, looking up at me guiltily.

"Noted. Tharja, that was stupid of you. While I am pissed off right now, I am also happy. And slightly confused as to how I'm going to survive surrounded by so much feminine energy, but that's a problem for later. Noire, make no mistake. Your father loves you."

The young archer, apparently my daughter as well, sniffled and smiled, her whole face lighting up. Tharja looked downtrodden, though, realizing the mistake she'd made. Of course I'd be happy! I mean, I loved Tharja, but not in a 'let's get married' kind of way. More like… a sister I occasionally had rough sex with. I'd explained that to her. Human relationships were complicated in reality. She'd accepted that. Why in god's name would she want to hide this from me now?

"And why didn't you say anything?" I asked, turning to Severa.

She shrugged dismissively. "I still have gaps in my memory. That one only came back to me when I thought to myself 'god I wish he'd shut up'."

"Ooh I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are," I deadpanned. "I clearly did not spank you enough. So where does she fit into the timeline?"

"Oldest," Severa huffed.

"Ah, middle child syndrome," I said, nodding sagely. "That explains so much…"

Severa rolled her eyes, turning away from me again but remaining mercifully silent. I spun back to Tharja, red in the face now and looking at the table.

"Tharja," I called out. "This is a lot to take in right now. But I'm not going to just abandon you and take Noire away. I care about you, and I come with automatic love for Noire. So… relax. Trust me."

"I'm pregnant," she said without looking up.

Noire winced as Severa sighed, shaking her head.

"What, now!?" I asked, aghast.

Tharja nodded meekly.

"B-but the herbs…"

"They are not fool-proof," Tharja said. "I did warn you that sometimes they didn't work…"

And with that the table fell into silence again. Oh, the awkward silence was painful. I didn't know how to deal with this. I had done absolutely zero preparation for this eventuality, and it was clearly showing. After a few moments Morgan stood up, and all eyes turned to her.

"Fuck. This," she announced, stepping back from the table.

I inwardly groaned, preparing myself mentally for a teenage freak-out. And who could blame her, being surrounded by all of this stupid adult bull-shit? However, she surprised us all, I think, when she stepped around Noire and threw her arms around a stunned Tharja in a tight hug.

"I'm so happy for you!" Morgan laughed. "How does this make us related? Are you, like, my Aunt? Fuck it, you're my aunt! Congratulations, Aunt Tharja! We're all happy for you! Especially Noire, because now she's going to be born! _Right,_ everybody?"

Severa's eyes widened as she nodded, clearly shocked by her little sister's domineering attitude. Noire sniffled and shifted again, joining Morgan in hugging a catatonically-shocked Tharja, the Dark Mage's mouth hanging slightly agape as she tried to comprehend what was happening.

At that point I was so fucking proud of Morgan it hurt. She could successfully adult far better than me.

And with that realization, I gave up. At that very point I gave the fuck up. There really was no fighting it at this point. Hell, I made more than enough to support two families if I had to, thanks to the little fact that I was Chrom's retainer, so money wasn't an issue. I had a big fuck-off fort to house everyone in. As for whether or not I was emotionally ready to have six kids? Well, there was only one way to find out.

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "This is great news, Tharja. I'm so fucking happy right now."

Tharja blinked and smiled back, her eyes getting a little misty as she basked in the attention.

Everyone was happy. Why wouldn't they be? I would just have to be happy now and figure out how, exactly, this fucked up family dynamic was going to work later.

At least I now had a big fucking fort to house everyone. I kept focusing on the fort. It helped.

* * *

After dinner I found my ass on the floor outside the door to our room while the girls had a bath. Of course, this being one of the nicer inns they'd had enough hot water to fill a tub. It had cost me quite a bit for such a luxury, but both Morgan and Severa had been a little subdued after my sudden asthma attack and Tharja's revelation at the tavern, so I'd decided to just shell out to cheer them up. Judging from the giggling and happy shrieking inside the room, it had worked.

I'd never understood that whole 'fun-bath-time' thing. I didn't even like fucking in the shower back home. The shower was there for one purpose and one purpose only; to get clean. Soaking in a hot bath just seemed like a waste of time to me. But if the girls enjoyed it who was I to judge?

Noire and Tharja had retired to their inn next door, and I promised to make time to talk to them properly once we were back in Port Ferox. One thing was for certain, though. I'd just lost one of my major magical presences, because there was no way in the name of unholy fuck I was bringing a woman pregnant with my daughter to a warzone. She'd just have to stay behind and get first pick of rooms in my new fort.

I was considering calling it Fort Kickass, or something equally absurd. Fort Condor? No, no one would get the Final Fantasy reference… Fort DILLIGAF (which is an acronym for 'Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck'?) was also a front-runner. Why was I sitting there thinking about what to name my Fort? Because I was drunk and reeling with the knowledge I was about to be surrounded by more estrogen than a man trapped in a women's locker room.

It had been a long time since I'd drank. Since the victory party, in fact. But it had seemed fitting this evening.

Knowing that I didn't marry Tharja had helped. Apparently in the future she'd been one of the first to go, during the Valmese war in fact, and I'd gotten Noire at quite a young age. Which explained why she had memories of her mother, but no actual Dark Magic know-how.

I would make sure that no one went without both parents in this fucking timeline. I promised myself that, right there and then.

However, the question of how to explain the newest development in the train-wreck that was my life to Cordelia was still eating at me.

Before I could ruminate further on this conundrum, though (and yes, I use big words when I'm drunk), the door behind me opened and I fell flat on my back.

"Okay Dad! It's all safe!" Morgan said.

"Good to know," I said, blinking from the floor.

Morgan snorted before doubling over with laughter. So we'd all had a little to drink that night. So what? Well, except for Tharja. No booze for my baby-mama. Oh god, I had a baby-mama. Holy fuck. My life was rapidly spiraling out of control and there was no light at the end of the-

"Rargh!" Morgan roared, throwing herself down on me with a text-book body-slam.

Like, a perfect, pro-wrestling body-slam, complete with landing most of her weight on the floor so it sounded painful, but really wasn't. And then she proceeded to start tickling me.

"Oh my – BWAH-HA-HA – God, girl, I'm going to fucking – HA! HA-HA-HAH! – kill you if you don't – HE-HE-HAH! – MORGAN! Get the fuck off of me!"

"NEVER!" Morgan declared, increasing the rate of her attack.

Clearly I was not the only one still slightly intoxicated. After a few more moments of torturous tickling I only endured due in no small part to the fact that I was, indeed, still drunk, Morgan stopped. Both of us panted as we lay on the floor, Morgan resting her head on my chest with one arm slung over me. We lay like this for a time, how long I wasn't sure. Time passes funny when you're drunk. After a while Severa appeared, leaning over top of us with a slightly less intense scowl than she usually wore on her face. Hell, it was almost a smile.

"Hey honey," I grinned. "Think you can help me up? Daddy had too much to drink."

"So did Morgan!" Morgan added, her head lifting slightly off my chest before plonking right back down. "Help us, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're our only hope!"

"That you know that reference alone proves you are my daughter," I said, looking down at the girl laying on my chest.

"Yeah!" Morgan cheered. "I remember you telling us the story of Star Wars when we were kids! It was always my favorite bedtime story! I liked Chewy! GWARBLERAWGLERAGH!"

"Everyone likes Chewy," I agreed, nodding and grinning at her Wookie-impersonation.

Severa sighed and shook her head before reaching down and dragging Morgan off of me. I lay there as the sound of shuffling feet receded and approached again, Severa bending again to help me to my feet and closing the door now that I was finally out of the doorway. She led me to a bed, funnily enough already occupied with Morgan.

Okay, so we were both a whole hell of a lot drunker than she was. I could understand her not wanting to spoon with a drunken sister or, heaven forbid, father. So I made her life easy and flopped down next to Morgan, who giggled happily and snuggled back up to my side.

"Okay, scootch over," Severa groaned, making shooing motions with her hands.

Morgan and I both glanced up at her before shrugging and doing as she said. I was pretty easy to corral when I drank, and clearly so was Morgan. So we did as we were told. And then Severa blew out the lamp illuminating the room and slid into bed on the opposite side as her sister, snuggling up close to my side the way Morgan had.

"D-don't get the wrong idea!" Severa huffed, tsundere to the core. "I'm only doing this because… it gets cold at night!"

"Why did I even pay for the extra bed, then?" I sighed, wrapping an arm around both of my kids.

Okay, this? This I could deal with.

* * *

A few days later we tromped back into Port Ferox, spirits high. Well, everyone else's spirits, anyway.

Now that I was finally back in Port Ferox I had to face the music and talk to Cordelia.

I debated getting cleaned up, first. Then I debated getting really, really drunk. In the end, though, I settled for simply finding Cordelia and telling her everything, otherwise I'd end up putting it off until it blew up in my face (if history was any indication). I hadn't thought of anything worth saying. I didn't really think I had anything worth saying. Hell, I didn't even know if I'd be able to say anything when I did find her.

But, I had to try.

According to the guard rotation, she was supposed to be patrolling along the edge of the town at the moment, so that's where I went. I found her before long, her pegasus trotting along behind her as she meandered her way along the path, eyes scanning everything despite her relaxed pace.

"Hey," I called out, jogging a little to catch up with her.

When she spotted me her face broke out into a small smile, the same one that she always got when I did something particularly stupid that she couldn't help but laugh at.

"Hey yourself," she said as I finally caught up. "Didn't you just get back?"

"We did," I said. "I haven't even had a chance to catch my breath yet."

"Or take a bath, apparently," Cordelia laughed.

"Hey, ouch," I chuckled, feigning hurt. "First thing I do after a month on the road is rush back here to see you and this is the thanks I get?"

"Oh, met by the smelly Grandmaster himself," Cordelia laughed. "I must be the luckiest girl in the world."

I chuckled and shook my head, and we walked along in silence for a time. I marveled at the fact that, at some point, the people here had stopped being 'characters from a game' to me. They were real people, and I'd stopped making the distinction between the two groups a while ago now. I couldn't pin down when.

"So to what was so important you had to rush all the way out here just to see me?" Cordelia asked.

Here we were, then. The crux of the matter. Time to take the plunge.

I took a deep breath to steady my nerves, clenching my fists to stop my hands from shaking.

"Well, I met my daughter," I explained. "In fact, I met all three of them."

"Three?" Cordelia asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yeah," I said with a grin.

"Well, tell me about them!" Cordelia insisted.

"They're all great," I laughed. "Noire, the oldest, she's… a little weird. Eccentric, likes to snap and shout random shit. She looks just like Tharja, too, but has shorter hair and smiles more."

Cordelia's face went slack for a moment before she made a thoughtful sound, turning back to the road as we continued to patrol. I stole a glance at her, wincing. She was wearing the same fake smile, the same mask, she'd worn in the months after her squad's deaths during the war with Plegia. It hurt to see it again.

"I see," she said eventually. "Lady Tharja must be ecstatic to have born you three children in the future."

"Actually, Noire's the only one," I said, my grin widening. "The other two, they've got a different mother. You've already met one of them. But Morgan, the youngest, she's my baby. Takes after me way more than her sisters. Like a chirper, happy version of me. But so mature for her age! Totally pulled my ass out of the awkward-fire a bunch of times while we were travelling! Full of energy, and looks just like her mom and sister. Oh thank the gods none of them look like me. But yeah."

Cordelia stopped, eyes widening as I turned to look her square in the eye.

"She looks just like her sister, Severa. And her mother. You."

Cordelia's face burst into a radiant smile, and she shook her head a little, brushing past me.

"You know, you and Severa are a lot more alike than you might think," she said. "I knew as soon as I met her who her father was."

"Yeah, I know it's a lot to… wait. What!?"

Cordelia laughed, tilting her head back as she spun to look at me again.

"She acts exactly like you when you're in a mood," she explained. "And she has your nose and eyes. I would very much like to meet this Morgan that takes after me so much, though."

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend this new twist.

"So you're telling me you knew the whole time and didn't tell me?" I asked, just to be sure.

"I wasn't certain," Cordelia explained. "Her memories of her childhood were hazy at best. And after our little talk in Ylisstol two years ago…"

She trailed off, and I involuntarily cringed.

"Yeah, so I'm hardly the most stable guy," I sighed. "I'm terrified of commitment. I'll admit it. Hell, I'll shout it from the rooftops. But… I do love you. And I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it, but- MRPGH!"

Whatever else I was about to say was cut off as Cordelia stepped forwards, sealing my lips with her own. She dropped her spear, wrapping both arms around my neck and pulling herself closer to me. When she finally broke away she grinned at me a little, blushing slightly.

"I've waited two years to hear you say that," she said. "And I love you too, with all that I am. With all of my heart."

"A-are you sure?" I stammered. "Because, you know, I'm grouchy. And hairy. And short. And any boys I have will probably go bald, too. And, and I'm a total workaholic. And I have a child with another woman."

Cordelia laughed again.

"Yes, that last one isn't… ideal," she agreed. "But we'll work it out."

"Okay, this seems too good to be true," I said, furrowing my brow. "Like, this is way too easy. What's the catch?"

Cordelia's smile took on a slight hint of sadness, a note of pity in her next statement.

"Have you considered that I may just want to be with you?"

I blinked. "No. That doesn't make sense. I don't even want to be with me. Why would someone like _you_ want to be with me!?"

"Because of your kindness," Cordelia said, blushing. "When I was at my lowest, it was you that was there to pick me back up. You were there, my hero, when no one else ever had been. You give yourself far too little credit."

"But I-"

"No buts," she interrupted me. "Naga knows I'm not perfect either. But you love me."

"I do."

"And I love you, too. I am tired of being alone. And I want you to be the one that ends my loneliness."

I honestly never thought someone would ever say that to me again. 'I love you'. It had been such a long time since I'd heard those words… I was choking up a little.

"I love you," I repeated, my face breaking into a grin. "I… I don't even have a ring to give you. But… would… er… I mean… if it's not moving too fast… marry… me…?"

Cordelia was silent for a moment, looking up at me before a trail of tears began to run from her eyes, and her smile grew to the point where she could no longer contain her half-laughing, half-sobbing answer.

"Yes. Yes! Yes, I will marry you!"

I gave a relieved sigh, letting my forehead come to a rest against hers.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I didn't think I'd… ever get another chance at this. This kind of life. I'm so fucking happy, Cordelia."

"Not half as happy as you've made me!" she said, shaking her head slightly. "Thank you. I thought nothing could warm my heart again. I shall love you above all others, for the rest of my days."

I grinned, the familiar line making me chuckle a little. But where it had been an irritating source of guilt at first, I welcomed it. Because it meant that I'd made it. S-rank support, marriage and children. Of course, this didn't mean diddly-squat in reality. I'd have to work on it. Work on myself. Be a better man. The man Cordelia and Severa and Morgan, and even Noire and Tharja, all deserved.

I had a lot of work to do, in other words.

But, for the first time in more than four years as I held Cordelia against me, I felt a little inkling of hope for the future; that I wouldn't be alone any more.

I shifted a little, frowning. This was physically uncomfortable, and not because I didn't like to be touched…

"Woman, for once in our lives lose the breast-plate!" I grunted.

"W-wha-" Cordelia managed as I started tugging at the straps on her armor.

"No buts! For once I want to hold you, not the damn armor! I don't care how small your boobs are!"

Cordelia laughed, swatting at my hands.

"N-no! Ben, not in public! Stop!" she giggled.

I'm pretty sure we were both smiling like idiots, but who cared. We were finally happy.

* * *

About a week after my confession to Cordelia and our subsequent engagement I marched through the Ylissean countryside, a clear destination in mind. We still had more time before the ships arrived, so I was running one last errand before we left for Valm; something I'd put off for far too long.

I'd opted to travel almost alone, with a few guards for my 'safety'. A shadow passed over me, Morgan letting out an excited whoop as Cordelia led her mount in a sweeping dive before racing back into the air. Noire reflexively grabbed my sleeve, hiding a little behind my shoulder and Severa huffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes at her sister's meek behavior.

Tharja was already halfway back to Fort Kickass. Elle and Bertha would take care of her until we got back (that's right I'd totally poached Bertha and half of the other staff from Chrom before we'd left Ylisstol). She'd clearly not wanted to go, but Morgan and I had managed to talk her down with promises that I'd lead from the back ranks and play it totally safe. That, plus a fort full of unprotected servants to try out mean hexes and shit on, had apparently swayed her.

And now I was marching through idyllic Ylissean farmlands with my fiancé and time-travelling children.

God my family was screwed up… my brothers would have had a field-day.

But, as weird and broken as it was, it was still my family. The one I'd made for myself. Or… would make, once the kids were born… or… whatever.

I'd also come to terms with the fact I'd probably never go home now. Why bother? I missed my family, sure, but I had people here who depended on me. Honestly, I was pretty important in the Ylissean military, too. Something that had happened totally by accident. I had rank, I owned land, and I even employed servants for Christ's sake. Why would I screw up a good thing by leaving?

"How much further is it?" Severa asked in a huff.

"Not much further," I chuckled, mind returning to the task at hand. "Ask me that again, though, and I'll turn this convoy around and there'll be no clandestine mission for anyone."

Severa shot me a glare before sighing and shaking her head. She had learned fast not to enable my stupid. Which was disappointing, sure, but it showed she was smart and capable of learning.

Papa Bear was so proud. That's what they'd taken to calling me around camp. Thanks to a certain loud-mouthed manakete that liked to harp on me for being covered in hair… Nowi really did remind me of my youngest brother sometimes.

Noire looked up at me guiltily, grinning like a kid when I winked and ruffled her hair the way I did to Morgan. She got on great with her sisters, but it would clearly take some time for her to warm up to Cordelia. Which was fine; I wasn't about to force them to have a relationship of any kind, but they were both trying for my sake, and that made me feel… strange.

It was strange, having a family like this. I took it for granted that my brothers and parents back home would put in as much as I did; that we'd compromise for each other, let shit slide to not start fights, and that we'd just be there for one another.

That the girls were all doing that here made me feel equal parts guilt, terror and blinding happiness.

In the distance the form of a farmhouse was growing ever larger. That was our destination.

He was waiting for us there.

Okay, so he had no idea we were coming. But before I went to Valm and potentially died I wanted to talk to him and settle the score.

Morgan let out another whoop above us as Cordelia spun her mount in a tight barrel roll, and Severa sighed.

"Knowing Morgan we're going to spend the entire walk back picking up the stuff she dropped out of her pockets," the tsundere-goddess muttered.

Noire instantly perked up, her sharp eyes scanning the ground around us to get a head-start on the clean-up, but I just grinned and shook my head. All of Morgan's shit was currently weighing down my own pack; kid had common sense about the weirdest shit, I'd give her that. Noire jumped again, though, when an armored form appeared out of the stalks of wheat swaying in the breeze, his plates painted a dull green and his face smeared with black mud. Severa froze, hand already automatically going to the hilt of her sword.

"Report," I said, forestalling their freak-outs.

The scout nodded.

"Sir. Target Alpha is in the farmhouse. We have squads positioned at points around the farm and in the village. Awaiting orders."

"Stand-by. Dig in, prepare for a long stake-out. We need to make sure that nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, gets anywhere near him. Understood?"

"Sir!" the scout said, nodding deeply and disappearing back into the wheat.

"Sometimes it's easy to forget you're actually a respected military commander," Severa huffed.

"Hey, I'm competent when I want to be," I shrugged. "C'mon. Let's not keep our host waiting."

Morgan and Cordelia flew around the farmhouse, circling it as Severa stood in the shade of a nearby tree, standing watch with a frown on her face and her arms crossed. Noire followed me as I stepped up to the farmhouse, a determined set to my features.

The door opened and a man in plain clothes, a few years my junior, stepped onto the porch to meet us.

"I was wondering why there were so many soldiers hiding in my crops. Now I see that I'm paid a visit from the Lord of Tactics himself? To what do I owe the honor, milord?"

I stepped up to the man, about my height but thinner in the shoulders. And a thick shock of white hair atop his head.

"Robin, I presume?" I asked solemnly. "We need to talk."

* * *

About an hour later Robin nodded slowly, setting down the simple tea cup he had been drinking out of. Noire and I sat across from him, both holding similar cups. He'd invited us inside to speak, and had even offered us tea. Not wanting to be a rude doucher, I accepted. Now I had just finished explaining things to him. Everything.

"That's… quite a lot to take in," he said after a moment.

"Yeah," I agreed, casting a worried glance at Noire.

She was taking the revelation I'd come from a different universe altogether pretty well. Or else she didn't understand.

"So… I'm meant to be you?" he asked slowly.

"You're meant to be in my position," I corrected. "Instead of finding you in the field, they found me first. That's how this all began."

Robin nodded again, a solemn look on his face for a moment before it broke into a grin.

"I'm actually rather glad you didn't find me, then," he said, a note of laughter in his voice. "Because the people that found me instead-"

"Robin? Darling, are you in here?"

All three of us looked up as a woman, the Village Maiden model from Awakening, walked in carrying a bundle of what could only be a baby to her chest. Robin's grin increased as he stood, greeting the woman.

"Yes, dear," he said. "I'd like to introduce you to the Lord of Tactics, sir Ben. And his… er…"

"My daughter," I supplied, standing myself now. "I know, I know. I'm older than I look."

The woman appeared flustered for a moment before nodding her head and dropping a polite, one-handed curtsey.

"M-milord, milady," she greeted, eyes downcast.

I laughed, smiling.

"Please, don't bother," I said. "I'm not on the clock right now. Just Ben is fine."

"O-of course, Sir Ben!" the maiden said quickly. "W-where are my manners! I'll get you some tea! Robin, hold Morgan for-"

I laughed again, putting a forestalling hand on the woman's shoulder. Robin was grinning, too, barely containing his own laughter.

"Relax," I said. "Robin already served us. He's been a perfect host and you have a beautiful and warm home. Very inviting."

"T-thank you, sir," she said. "It's n-not very often we see nobility in these parts. I never thought… I'd play host to one."

"It's nice to see some things are universal, though," I laughed, looking down at the baby in her arms. "My youngest, her name is Morgan, too."

"Truly?" the maiden asked in surprise.

"Yes, what a coincidence," Robin snickered.

The baby began to sniffle, clearly being uncomfortable being around so many people. The Village Maiden shushed her, bouncing her lightly and trying to calm her.

"We should probably leave," I said kindly. "Are you sure I can't talk you into joining us, Robin? We could use another sharp mind in the Ylissean Armed Forces."

He shook his head, wrapping an arm around his wife's waist and pulling her and his daughter close.

"No, milord," he said. "My place is here. Whatever was meant to be… well… I have a good life here now."

I nodded. It was fair, in my opinion. We both had good lives. His was probably better than mine, though… no one trying to kill him on a daily basis.

"Although, one thing does come to mind," he added, separating from his wife and turning. "Wait right here, please."

I looked questioningly to the woman, who shrugged apologetically. Noire shifted behind me, reminding me she was there, too. After a few moments Robin reappeared, holding a black bundle out to me.

"When they found me, this was all I had," he explained. "Somehow it feels like… you should have them. Ylisse's tactician should have them."

I accepted the bundle. A black coat, Robin's coat, unfurled in my hands. Wrapped within it was a spellbook.

"Are you sure you don't want to keep these?" I asked in a low voice.

He smiled, shaking his head.

"I'm not the man you described," he explained. "Besides, it seems like you slipped into that role pretty easily. Take them."

I nodded, folding the coat back up and tucking both items under my arm.

"Thank you, Robin," I said. "If it's okay, I'll come back to visit once we return from Valm."

"Of course, milord," he said as we left. "In fact, I should be thanking you. If you hadn't have been there that day, I never would have met my love, and I never would have been able to achieve… all of this. So thank you."

I smiled over my shoulder one more time before stepping out of the house, into the bright daylight. Noire was right on my heels, looking back and forth between me and the house. I set a slow pace as we headed back to where Severa was waiting. Cordelia and Morgan had joined her in the shade, letting her pegasus rest a little. Noire looked up at me in concern.

"Are you… o-okay?" she asked quietly as we walked. "All of that… stuff you said… about…"

"I'm alright," I chuckled, ruffling her hair. "It's all old news now. Here's where I am, and here's where I'll stay."

I stopped, and on a whim I pulled Robin's coat on. It fit perfectly, like it had been made for me.

I looked down at my daughter, smiling up at me as she fixed her hair. In the distance Morgan called out, smiling and laughing as she waved at us. Cordelia smiled as well, running a hand along her mount's neck as it whinnied. Severa glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, her expression softening as she did.

This was where I was.

This was where I'd stay.

I had work to do here. Here, I had a purpose. There were wars to fight, and people to protect. People like Robin and his wife. Like Elle and Bertha back at Fort Kickass. Hell, even people like my family, waiting for me in the shade. Even that didn't feel weird to me anymore.

"I'm alright," I repeated, a smile rising to my face as I started walking again.

Turns out Lucina had been right. There was still good in the world.

Not like I'd ever tell her that to her face, though…

"I'm alright."

* * *

 _ **end**_

* * *

 **AN2016: Firstly, I had been planning to do the whole 'Noire is Severa and Morgan's half-sister' thing from the beginning, and not doing it felt like a little bit of an insult to the story that I'd been planning. Honestly, I was originally going to make Yarne the SI's son as well, but that felt like a little much if I was ending the story here.**

 **And that, folks, is all she wrote. For realsies this time. In the end this story is still the length of a short novel. Which is like, amazing that I wasted so much of my life on it… Thanks for reading, and if you enjoyed this be sure to check out my other stories and/or my podcast,** _ **CAB Anime and Gaming Podcast**_ **(on iTunes and Soundcloud). We're going to start in on YouTube soon as well, so keep your eyes peeled for CAB Entertainment; let's plays, v-blogs, unboxings, all that sorta shit.**

 **Take care of yourselves, guys. Hope you enjoy the rest of your lives, and I hope a little bit of me stays with you. In your mind. Or your pants. Either's good.**

 _ **\- metallover 2016**_


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